Hi

I can totally relate to major problems with the telephone.

Professionally I avoid calling colleagues and clients at all costs, I tend to over use email. This has resulted in missing project deadlines and totally devalued my relationships with my employees. I have found that people find me unapproachable, perhaps because I don't tend to appear interested in what they are saying on the phone.

I can't handle being interrupted when on the phone, as I am so focused on listening. This is really scary because I snap and feel an extreme sense of rage that I express with a glare or snide look. It is so hard to explain the overwhelming emotions that I feel when this happens.

I was diagnosed last week at the age of 35. I am now on meds and feel totally different, my family can't believe the changes in my presence (or lack of it) and behavior.

I am keen to see if I can improve with my auditory communication!

James :)

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I have always hated telephones. I think it's because I have far stronger visual attention than auditory; visual stimuli always overwhelm auditory ones for me and it's exhausting to talk on the phone without visual cues to keep me on track with the conversation. The cognitive demand is on the level of a non-ADDer trying to hold a telephone conversation in a foreign language, as far as I can tell.

Email is a godsend!

(The flip side is that I can always concentrate on reading or doing jewellery work, no matter how much noise there is; I don't hear it. People have to tap my arm to get my attention out of the book! Of course, then they say, "look how hard you were concentrating! You can't really have ADD!" at which point I am severely tempted to bite them.)

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This has definitely been the case for me. I despise talking on the phone. (I currently work as a secretary, so I am in hell every day of my life) The absolute worst is getting up the nerve to make a necessary phone call to someone I don't know. I have been trying to get registered for a college class with a local community college, but I really need to call some department and get something worked out with them. I know I am going to have to introduce myself and state my business to about 12 different people before I finally get routed to the correct administrator, who will probably be out of the office anyway, and then I will end up having to leave a pathetic, stuttering voice message that makes me sound like a half-wit. I have been putting off this phone call for weeks. It should be easy. The actual phone call is not that big of a deal, but it is to me. I just hate feeling put "on the spot" and then I get like a deer in headlights. I can't "read" what the other person is thinking because I can't see their expression. I assume they are frustrated with me, or confused about what I'm saying. So I try to explain myself further and start to ramble and stutter, and of course I grope for even the simplest words that refuse to come to my mind when I need them. That's when I innitiate the call. When someone calls me (like at work) I have a hard time following what they are saying, understanding what they want, and processing what I need to do with what they are telling me. Don't get me started on telemarketers and collection agencies. I agree with you. I totally think it is because there are no "visual cues" to go with the auditory information bombarding our brains. I function "holistically" so to speak. I need to incorporate and understand the information I receive before I can process it, remember it, and use it in any kind of cognitive way. Having a string of words blasted in my ear through a receiver is not conducive to the way my brain operates.

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This is very interesting, and I am SO glad to know it's not just me! I actually feel like I have a harder time with face-to-face conversations than phone conversations; but the bottom line is, I just don't remember things that people tell me, no matter the situation. I always have felt stupid because friends will ask me about things that I have apparently told them, only I don't remember ever having told them; likewise, they'll say "remember when I told you about so-and-so and her new boyfriend...?" and I have absolutely no recollection of being told any such thing. I've learned, over the years, just to nod along. I have always hated the phone, though--particularly making phone calls, like the one lady said. It's been a major source of anxiety for me. I always thought it was just from shyness, but now I'm starting to think that my perceived shyness is really just a result of feeling "weird" and "different". My problem seems to be that have a really hard time processing what people are saying to me--like, sometimes I just can't comprehend it until I've had some time to think about it. I think my problem with the phone comes from not knowing what's going to happen when I dial that number: I need to prepare what I'm going to say in advance, but what if someone else answers, or I get voice mail?? I guess I just worry that I'm going to have to "think on my feet" and it scares me going into it, even though once I'm in the conversation I usually do okay. I actually find it scarier in person, though, because the other person is RIGHT THERE, looking at me, waiting for an appropriate response and sometimes I just get stuck! And then I start to feel stupid, which makes me more stuck......

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I HATE official phone calls, and have always been rather ashamed by this. Email is by far my preferred mode of communication!

While I don't forget what is said on the phone that often (probably because I know myself well enough to write important information down as it's being told to me), I do get extremely anxious about making phone calls. Part of it may be the lack of body language, but I think part is also that making decisions (especially immediate ones) gives me hives, and if people call you, it's usually because they want something immediately. I can postpone things more easily via email. I also think that social anxiety plays a big role. I feel like I'm in a spotlight, fear blurting out something that will make me sound stupid or forget to include/request something important, or become paranoid that I am rambling and annoying the crap out of the other person.

I was beginning to think I was just a freak of nature. Glad to know I'm not alone.

FC

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I abhor telephone calls so much that I inserted a story about a job interview that I did over the phone in my book, "Dear Mary: My Life with ADHD."

My attention span during face-to-face interviews was bad enough, but speaking about my credentials over the phone caused me to stammer, lose track of my thoughts, and move around with the force to knock the telphone off the stand.

I finally came up with a creative solution: do phone interviews in the nude.

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First, Rekka, thanks for starting this thread...a godsend to me because, as I am newly diagnosed at age 53 (!), I am now just starting to understand and explain some of my behavior or "style.". NOTHING fills me with dread more than the phone ringing, especially in the evening as i wind down. Talking on the phone is hard work for me and I can never understand why others love it so much. I, too, love email ,but people who are more facile with auditory communication often think I am cold. Not so! Sometimes I think it is that I get too distracted by the emotion I feel or that the other person feels when speaking rather than writing...like the person who said he/she felt stupid after saying something that the other person didn't react well to. With email, I can focus on the communication and shut out others' reactions or tone. Second, I went to a great seminar about how you learn best about 15 years ago. My good friend at work, who was very popular and easy with people, was an auditory learner. I, no surprise, was a visual learner, and, while people really liked me, I was viewed as a more difficult personality. I was famous at work for never forgetting a piece of paper I saw. Not that I remembered all the details, but it was like a document management database in my head (this was before they used software for this). Anytime anyone needed something, they would come to me first.

Third, Keith, you are hilarious! I am keeping the mental picture of knocking the phone over as I cast about because I get so animated with me today. I've done that and am glad to hear someone else has. : ) I am also going to find your book after I post this.

Fourth, thank to you all for your posts here. I will be checking back regularly as this thread develops. Fifth, Facebook is another godsend to people like me. Wonder what you all think.

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And how many people who have joined this thread simply HATE trying to learn from an audiotape? And avoid Books On Tape?

Interestingly, I had an audiotape I really wanted to follow so played it while driving. About the third time through, I started to "see" semi-transparent text "scrolling" up the windshield as I drove -- matching the words from the tape!

Of course the phenomenon was so odd that I nearly lost what focus I had!

For those of us who are not spatially challenged, I find that drawing a map as directions are given, and writing down the street names where I turn is extremely helpful. I should write the actual house number on my hand, though--because I've been known to arrive at the right block without the map--and not know which door to knock at!

Any kind of doodling/picture drawing helps mefocus on the phone.

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I always get anxiety when I have to call anyone I don't know. A couple of things I've found work for me is to make notes as to what I want to say, and then start the conversation with something friendly to establish rapport with the other person. Once I realize they're a normal, friendly person, I find it much easier to talk. I will also go to a private place to make these sort of calls, because otherwise I get even more nervous if I think I've got an "audience." Of course this isn't always possible, but most of the time it is. I use my car as a phone booth a lot. It's reassuring to hear that others have this same quirk I do! If other people do it too, it must not be weird, right?

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It's always heartening to find out that you're not alone in the world. I have major telephone issues too. First, I can definitely relate to the anxiety of making "cold" business calls. I recently started working in business development (of all things) and am supposed to make lots of sales calls. Well, I find myself doing everything else but that; due to many of the same reasons others have stated. I especially hate making them in the office (for fear of an audience) so I usually make them from home or my mobile phone booth like Shegrizz. But I've learned to work around it by making lots of "warm" contacts through networking which involves lots of lunches and social events at which I can get comfortable with people and gather business cards; they act as visual reminders of those I've met (I sometimes draw pictures on them) and that makes me a lot less nervous when I finally make myself call them. But my biggest telephone issues are with automated routing systems! Whenever one of those things answers, I immediately zone out for a few seconds and I usually don't re-engage until they're on "press 4 for..." And I have NO idea what 1,2&3 were! I makes me SO mad at myself that I always have to wait til "press 9 to hear this message again", and what's worse is, I often go through the whole cycle two or three times! The other problem I have relates to distracting visual stimulus. I tend to verbally relay every distracting thing I see to the person I'm talking to. Since I'm most often driving when talking on the phone, I'll blurt out random comments about the scenery, traffic, birds, or whatever. As annoying as it must be to all of my friends & family, they're used to it and just ignore me, but lately I've caught myself doing it on business calls too! I've got to figure out a way to keep that stuff inside my head. Any suggestions?

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I, too, have always hated telephones. I do not have a cell phone and I much prefer email. I can control email because it does not require fast processing. I can think a thought through and live with a statement until I am sure it is what I mean to say. On the telephone, as in real life conversation, the thought that gets spoken is one of many that crowd my brain to get out. The one that gets out is often the thought that hindsight tells me is the last of the five thoughts that should have been let out.

As bad as I can be in conversation on the phone, it pales in relation to messages I am apt to leave on machines. What seems to be a clear, simple idea to be expressed can turn into what could be interpreted as "this guy assembled a bunch of words in his brain, threw them up in the air and uttered them in the order that they fell to earth". I sometimes remember to leave the simple message "Please call back when you have a minute". But usually I attempt to do what should be so simple but is not and attempt to leave a detailed message. Tony

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Thank you so much for this thread. Until now, I thought I was the only person in the United States who hated-no, dreaded-talking on the phone. I felt as though everyone else had no trouble at all making calls, especially to strangers (e.g. for business or even to get service on a product). I agree that not having the visual facial clues makes talking much harder. I do try rehearsing what I am going to say before I say it. I think there is also the fear that what I am saying is inappropriate or stupid since I don't have the time to edit that I have with written expression. My husband has never understood why I have such an intense dislike for phone calls, but I feel better knowing that for some of you, at least, I am normal.

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I too thought I was the only one who hated the phone (not that it keeps me from clinging to a cell phone or having cordless phone receivers in every room of my house). I think you're onto something with the visual memory theory... I remember most conversations and events with visual ques. The best example is an instance when my wife asked me about a conversation that I couldn't remember ever having... up until I figured out that it had happened during a long car ride and then I was able to recite most if not all of the conversation. As it came back to me I also remembered what exits we had been passing throughout the conversation and that I worried that we had missed our exit during a particular point in the conversation. It sounds 'distracted' but the visual cues seemed essential to putting the events together in order. I wonder if that's why I tend to look around the room when we have really serious conversations. or maybe it's just because I don't like the: "what are you, stupid or something..." look that I would get if I were to look eye to eye.

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Incredible! Tony, you have, almost verbatim, said exactly what I have said when trying to explain to others how my brain often operates (or rather, doesn't). I've also used the dry-leaves analogy, or the cliched printed manuscript that suddenly gets scattered by the wind. Or what about those games in which you have to slide the little tiles around in the frame in order to come up with the correct sequence? All the pieces are there, but it takes concentration and great effort to put them in an order that makes sense to others.

And I agree that any communication that requires thinking on-the-feet, is a dreadful proposition, and it has caused me much social-anxiety and overall avoidance of situations that may require it. It's frustrating to be seen as uninterested, uncaring, and uninvolved, because I do generally love being with people.

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like many others posting... YOU HAVE THIS PROBLEM TOO?!?!?!?

Wow, who knew it could be ad/hd related! I've ALWAYS been famously known with my family and friends to never call, ever. I didn't know why I didn't like it so much, I just knew I avoided it at all costs. Calling for appointments, bills, business, or friends I just wanted no part of it and pushed it to the very very last minute.

Glad to know I'm not just being stupid about nothing!

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About the third time through, I started to "see" semi-transparent text "scrolling" up the windshield as I drove--matching the words from the tape!

You know, I'm seriously considering spending a whole day imagining everyone who is speaking to me as having subtitles at the bottom of the screen. Maybe that would help so I stop missing half of what the person is saying because of their words merging together.

Hm...I wonder if I should try learning American Sign Language? It certainly seems more visually oriented, so I wonder if that would be easier for an ADD person to keep up with? I have noticed that some of my family complains about my tendency to use wild hand motions while I'm speaking; one family friend kept asking me if I was "Italian or something."

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...I'll burst out random comments about the scenary, traffic, birds, or whatever.

That definitely sounds familiar! It's like the classic ADD joke of "People think I have ADD, but they just don't under--hey look, a chicken!" :) It seems to get worse during periods of ackward silence. Which is another reason why phone conversations drive me nuts. I'm thinking "Um...am I supposed to hang up now or something...?"

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What seems to be a clear, simple idea to be expressed can turn into what could be interpreted as "this guy assembled a bunch of words in his brainin, threw them up in the air and uttered them in the order that they fell to earth."

That, Tony, has got to be the best analogy (or metaphor, or whatever it's called) for how ADD people think EVER!

Also, is anyone else here really sensitive to changes in voices on cartoons or anime, or variations in a song? Both my mom and I watch a lot of anime, and I've noticed that there is a startleing number of series that I flatly refuse to watch the English dubbed version for because I can't STAND the way the voices turned out in that version! But since my mother can't see the subtitles on the Japanese version, I'm stuck. It's even worse when they change the voice actors for whatever reason, because then it's stuck that way for the remaining 50 episodes!

Same thing with books on tape and different versions of a song...the voices don't match the image in my head, so the entire equation falls apart. Has anyone else noticed this?

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I just wanted to point out something that I noticed. All of these posts are coherent, well-thought-out, well-written--with correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and use of capital letters. Most of the message boards on the internet are riddled with 'i cnat beleive u r so right i feel just the same way!!!!!!!!!!!!' So, evidently, ADD people have written communication on their side, but I'm also thinking we're just smarter than the average bear. : )

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can relate to anxiety with phone conversations; the thing is if you dont understand or know anything about adhd, then not just anybody can relate or understand you; all my live i have always felt different, key word "different" then others and i still do at 53 years old.

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Wow. That's all I can say. My family has always had a joke about how I would rather starve than call for a pizza. Working up the nerve to call someone on the phone is something I've been dealing with since rotary dialing. I can take a call without a problem, I welcome a phone ringing and I love a good phone conversation. But I hate to make the call. I'm always certain that I'm interrupting something, or right when the phone rings, the person I'm calling is thinking, "Oh, no!" Or worse--since the days of caller ID--are they actually thinking "Oh, I don't want to talk to her?" I had no idea this was an ADD issue. It probably isn't, actually. It's probably an anxiety-related issue, with anxiety being the co-existing condition with ADD. I grew up to be a writer. Hah.

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Yup like everyone else I have alot of anxiety with phones, I either talk really smooth and great during one and the next I'm rushing my words and putting my foot in my mouth. Like I have this hurry to finish the call.. I know otherwise of course but it's this feeling that I get. One thing I notitced missing is that hardly anyone suggests ways to bite the bullet and cope with this feeling. Well maybe except for that girl who phones in the nude but I make calls from and office so not too sure how that would go over with the other clients.

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I've had this issue for years. I've done alot of thinking about me and found I think it's because I miss social cues enough with the people standing in front of me. When I can't see them it's so much worse. If I'm writing-like in email, letters or IMing-I can really think about what I'm saying before I send it. If I'm talking on the phone, I feel stupid if there's any dead air time. It's so good to know I'm not alone on this, even though for some people it seems like a small thing. Interestingly, I've seen it in my 13 year old all her life and she has been actually diagnosed ADD. Thanks to everyone who has posted on this! You've made my day! :D

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What was I just thinking? said: I just wanted to point out something that I noticed. All of these posts are coherent, well-thought-out, well-written--with correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and use of capital letters. Most of the message boards on the internet are riddled with 'i cnat beleive u r so right i feel just the same way!!!!!!!!!!!!' So, evidently, ADD people have written communication on their side, but I'm also thinking we're just smarter than the average bear. : )

I agree. It's interesting as I too do not like to use the phone. That being said the odd part though for me is at work I am the first to say "I'll call them" when someone needs to be contacted and have no trouble doing this and carrying on conversations with ease.....which is completely opposite to my personal life where I dread using the phone at home for any calls whether its to call to make appointments, family, friends, you name it. I'd prefer to leave those calls to my wife. I don't know why this is but it is and sadly when I do make calls at home I feel like I should be given an award which in turn saddens me as these are things that many other people do throughout the world with little thought or effort. One last point to make is that I agree with others when it comes to leaving messages. I try to get to the point but find many times I trip over words or think one word while saying another. I get off the phone trying to imagine the person receiving the message listening to it thinking "This guy is a professional?". I try to keep a sense of humor about it all but sometimes that too fails.

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Definitely have issues. Funny thing is, I actually used to be the volunteer telephone person for a local non-profit. Finally I realized this wasn't my thing! Anyway, the solution I've found that works best (on the phone) is an earpiece. For some reason, the little earbud boring down into my head, focusses the sound or something and I can concentrate SO much better and am actually quite lost without it. That also leaves my hands free to be doing other things (like tidying, cleaning, cooking, whatever - not surfing the internet ha ha). Another way for me to cope on the phone is to have a pad and pen to scribble notes as i go along. And another problem with the phone is that I seem to get "stuck" on it for an hour at a time with someone blabbing away.....annoying to me and I can't seem to end the conversation! So the issue there is time - I know if I call so -and -so, i'll be STUCK for an endless hour! But as others have said, e-mail works so much better for me than phone - and also impacts the impulsivity issue - with email i can take the time to think, delete, think some more, back space, type some more, read what i wrote to jog my memory, run to the loo, write some more, read it again after another interruption,.... you get the idea! Wow, i'm flabbergasted that its an ADD thing - as some here have said, i always thought it was just an idiosyncrasy. This is an eyeopener.

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I can definitely relate on being able to process what the caller is trying to get across to my ADD addled mind. I lost my last job 54 weeks ago because customers of my company thought I was angry, rude, uncaring, etc. due to my phone mannerisms late in the day. As an outside sales person, I was expected to be friendly while attempting to clean up my daily accounts, answer the phone, answer the door, complete inventory tasks, etc, etc. So, if I was deeply involved in one of the above misc. tasks, answering the phone was NOT at the top of my list. The worst part was that I had no idea I was acting in the manner they were complaining about. If one of them had told me face to face they were not happy I could have added the concern to my (personal ADD) daily list of tasks as something to watch out for. Needless to say, not one of them had the sense to speak directly to me. My coworkers and manager heard about it first and then it became a discipline problem for him. I really loved the position too.

ADDSailor

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mags said and I Quote:

the solution I've found that works best (on the phone) is an earpiece. ... as others have said, e-mail works so much better for me than phone

In terms of quality-of-life improvement, my bluetooth headset stands among the best money I've ever spent. I've got the kind with the squishy ear doodad so it doesn't require the gizmo that hooks over your ear. It cost about $20 more than the cheapest model at the office store, but it's completely worth it.

Without it, having to hold the phone up to my ear drives me bananas! My wrists get tired, my ears get hot, and that can make me cranky.

My mobile (ONLY) phone represents an acceptance of these two realities: 1. Not everyone has e-mail. 2. I don't want to carry a laptop everywhere.

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