Hi. Although I have yet to be diagnosed, for fear that I may hear a resounding, "yes" I do believe that I have ADHD. I have been a daydreamer most of my life. How has it affected my mothering? I tend to be less patient when waiting for explanations about "why" one of the kids did something. I sometimes talk when I should be listening. My oldest and I are not speaking currently because he gets mad so quickly and will mouth off at me and I am willing to go toe to toe with him as well. We got into a physical fight last year because I asked him what problem he was having with me. On the other hand, I understand how it feels to not want to just stop what I am doing, and do something else, find my mind wandering, suffer from boredom, and feel incredibly restless! I know it sounds worse than it really is. However, I wanted to be honest with you. I think it can work for you when you are aware of your own weaknesses.

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This sounds like an excellent topic for a dissertation, and I commend you on working toward your Psy.D! I hope to have mine some day as well, though, right now I need to start with my Masters. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and it most certainly affects my parenting skills. First off, I tend to great at creating these behavioral plans (charts, token economy, etc) for the kids, but then it only lasts a short while because I have trouble following through on it. Obviously, without consistency in noting the positive behaviors that the children exhibit and reinforcing them correctlly, the plans' effectiveness is severely compromised. Another thing for me is that I tend to be very hypersensitive to noise. Unforunately, my oldest (age 5 and currently waiting for an evaluation for ADHD) has a tendency to constantly chatter and screetch and make noises. Its not really under his control, but it drives me insane nonetheless. The only way that I can get anything actually completed is to hyperfocus. You can imagine how difficult it is to hyperfocus when there are young children around. Plus, I get very irritable when interrupted in a task, and as any parent of young children knows - there are constant interruptions. Additionally, when I do hyperfocus, hours can go by without me realizing. I've already forgotten to make lunch because i got preoccupied with something. And though it doesn't happen often, and I hate to even admit it, there was a time where I was very late picking him up from preschool because I lost track of time in a Walmart! I actually don't do much of our grocery shopping because I get so distracted by everything there -that it takes me much longer and I wind up spending way more money than if my husband goes -- so he does the bulk of our shopping. Additionally, I feel that my ADHD reduces the amount of patience I have. I also tend to spend way too much money on toys - because of being impulsive and knowing it would make the boys happy. I also tend to yell way more than I would like, and I'm really working to reduce this.

We all know that probably the biggest component of successful parenting is consistency. I feel that this is the area most affected by my ADHD. I have great difficulty being consistent. I have a hard time even maintaining a consistent routine for more than a few days at a time. I'm working to fix this, but it doesn't come naturally!

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I'm an ADHD mom. Both my boys (agesa 12 and 6.5) are both ADHD as well. I find that I am very short in patience. My oldest has come leaps and bounds since his diagnoses when he was 7. To talk to him now - you wouldn't even know he is ADHD unless you were around him for extended periods. He still has the ocassional "episode" as I call them, but nothing that he can't snap out of. Now my youngest was disgnosed in January and myself in December. My youngest is a real handful when his meds wear off. He gets like me though (thank god I recognize the signs). After his meds come off he gets hungry AND cranky. If I feed him immediately, his sugar level goes back to normal, and he's not so hyper. I do the same thing. I find that I'm very snappy, and always in a hurry to put him to bed. I'm making a nightly effort to have more patience with him. Not so easy sometimes though. :o( I know I could listen a lot more and stop jumping so fast. I promise myself every night that I'm going to work on being a "better" parent. However I feel like I always seem to fall short on that. :oS

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I am 38 and got diagnosed because my 7 year old had his evaluation, and I put it together. I found out about a year and a half ago. It does make sense because when two people behave and react similarly then you have battles. I am clearly impatient, I have to think about it so I can try to think before I react. I don't always do it but It does help. I am also in a hurry for everything, that cannot be good for my kids. It is like I don't have time for anything. Then, your whole life passes by and you regret it. Because I was diagnosed later in life, I never finished college, I never finished anything really. I think it is safe to say that the way I was parented affected my self esteem. That is why some adults with adhd do better than others. The good news is that I am in counseling and I have awareness now. I can't change the past but I know that I am a complete 180 to what I was before and from the way I was parented. I am starting college in the fall. For the first time in my life I think I might actually do good. I think any person with adhd needs to find something that they can feel good about because we are all very good at finding out negative faults and LIVING IN THEM. If we can face up to whatever scares us the most, that is where we will find the most value. For me, it WAS school. Overcoming adversity.

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I am an ADHD mom of two boys, I have a 9 year old and a 2 year old. Neither of which have been diagnosed with ADHD, I myself was only diagnosed in January. It definitely affects my parenting, I have no patience and I yell way too much. Then the guilt sets in because I don't want to yell at my children but it's like I have no control over it. I tend to hyperfocus a lot too when I'm trying to get stuff done around the house. Then the kids are saying they are starving because it's 2 hours past lunch or my husband is home from work and I haven't even thought about making dinner yet. I know I can be a better parent than this and the fact that I keep failing really brings me down. It's a constant battle.

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I am a 41 yr old, extremely happily married woman with ADHD (20 years this year - woo hoo!). We have two children: our 14 year old daughter has ADHD, our 12 year old son has ADD, Tourette's Syndrome & ODD. My poor husband often feels like he is 'herding cats', trying to get us all out the door! Like you, I am attending post-secondary education: on a part-time basis, working towards my Visual Arts diploma. This is a HUGE goal that I have FINALLY decided I NEEDED to do; JUST FOR ME!! So far, my GPA is 3.95 out of 4: I received 4 A+ marks this past year and am SO PROUD!

It has been a huge turnaround year because I have been actively seeking help & assistance for MYSELF. This has washed down to create a much better environment & relationships for us all! About 2 weeks ago, I heard the same message from 2 professionals & 2 family members: "YOU are the person in the family who needs the most help, not only for yourself, but because as 'The Mom' you are the main cog in the family system". I could have decided it was a giant conspiracy and that none of them knew what they were talking about, sit, pout, and concentrate on the unfairness of life, but that would have left me in the same spot - actually it would have been worse! Instead, I seen my psychiatrist, got a medication boost, and the overwhelming anxiety I had been battling went away (Yay). This brought home the vital importance of ensuring medications are Correct & Effective! Because if they're not working right, neither are you!

As a student at a post-secondary institution, I found out by accident (some info. on a government grant form) that I am disabled! Go figure! As such, this allows for tax advantages, but it has been one long, form-filling, head-banging experience! Nothing moves quickly, and the big thing is persistence because ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WILL DO IT FOR YOU! Through the school, I have also been able to access counselling; this has been life changing! A coach really helps: putting together a list of the things I needed to do for the week nearly gave me an aneurism, but together with the counsellor, I was able to get through it. As most adults aren't diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood, we have received from others & ourselves a lifetime of harsh messages: "Why can't you do this" "HOw many times do I have to ask?" "Helllloooo - where did you just go?" "Will you sit down & relax already"! After having your soul squashed, some may find that the job to be your own best friend & cheerleader is a vacant position. The encouragement of even ONE person is such a huge boost in believing in yourself - something that sometimes feels like a foreign concept.

God Bless You as you work towards your degree! Having one more person in the field who GETS what ADHD is like for the individual and their family will be a great addition to the profession. An aside: A professional 'house-keeping' thought: By hiring someone who is good at the stuff you don't want to do, you can concentrate on what you do best!

:) Kim S. - Alberta, Canada

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hello,

I'm thankful for individuals like yourself who are pushing on to obtain their PhD. While I'm not a mother with ADHD, I recently got married and definitely plan on having children. I've gotten very anxious about the thought of having childen, as at the moment, I have difficulty getting the usual day to day things done. I often ask myself, if I can't even keep myself organized, how am I going to keep a family organized???

What I've discovered that works really well for me, is to focus on making things as VISUAL as possible. If I need to remember a phone number, I try to see the numbers in my head as they're being said. Often, I'll forget the information right after I've heard it. (I also have LD - short term working memory, and gifted)

I also once used a software program called Inspiration, for a big university essay and got my highest grade ever... I made it into a poster and put it up on my wall, and marked off each section as I wrote it.

I'm getting certified as an Orton-Gillingham Tutor in July, and plan on using Inspiration to make notes, as I'm highly motivated to do the best possible for the sake of the children I'll be tutoring. What I really like about the science behind the teaching system is that it focuses on "3-D learning", or experiential/kinesthetic.

It might be interesting to see how that works into parenting strategies, and scheduling.

Again, thanks for inspiring me... I also want to go further than my B.A. Psych and Certification as a Sp Ed Assistant. I've often had doubts about whether I'd be able to handle a Master's or PhD. Hearing of people like you who are actually DOING IT, makes me realize it's possible, and makes me push aside the negative voices.

Good luck, I'd love to know more about your thesis.

:)

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Wow - yes, it's hard being an ADHD mom! I want so much to be consistent and help my kids have a consistent routine, and I've made progress, but I have to grit my teeth and use every ounce of will power I have to force myself to pay attention to the routines and schedules. I make charts, and then forget to have them fill them out. I make rules and forget I made them! I can't tell you how many times I've grounded one of them, and then forgot all about it the next day! But I'm trying, and I'm getting better - I think. I hired a girl across the street to help with homework - it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders! If I had a ton of money, I'd have lots of different people come in to help!

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I too think I have ADHD, because my son was just diagnosed last year and I never understood why I could never focus in school or be patient with him. I have depression, severe anxiety, and just diagnosed last year with chrohn's disease and ulcerative colitis and it is very frustrating because I told my doctor about the adhd and he said it's the same as depression??? I am struggleing now with studying to take my personal training cert, because I can't focus nor get the time alone to study... It takes me forever to get it and focus, I find myself reading over and over to get one page!!! My son means the world to me and I struggle to be patient sometimes and everything goes in one ear and out the other with him, not his fault I knw but I sometimes get soo mad... How do you control your frustrations??? I try with every inch of me to read and try to stay calm and redirect in the right way but it seems I do everythig wrong and feel like a horrible parent at times.... His dad doesn't get the adhd thing in my son and we are divorce and it makes me sooo mad because not one time could he hlp even when I was sickest with the chrohn's, he said he knws wht he is doing is wrong and needs to be spanked??? I didn't get any hlp on his side so we moved to Las Vegas for family support for me and to get some help for my son.. Especially when I was drained completly with being sick... I am trying everything and feel at times I give up, and shouldn't but soo tired!!! I love my son soo much, and have tried everything but I feel I am losing!!! I also need to get new doctor to get checked for ADHD out here in Nevada, maybe someone will listen to me this time?? I even noticed myself taking painkillers just to keep me going throughout the day, and I knw it;s bad but I have no energy at times or life in me!!! Please help!

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I hear u all.. i deal with all this stuff and am so glad there is people out there who feels the same as me.. thank u all..

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Hi all,

Head's up! I've started a new resource just for moms with ADHD. We're a community of moms who have similar struggles and want to reach out to each other with support and resources: http://www.MomsWithADD.com

Regards, Terry Matlen, ACSW

http://www.MomsWithADD.com http://www.addconsults.com

Author, "Survival Tips for Women with ADHD"

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FitMom??? I Completely understand the way you are feeling!!!! I struggle daily with sickness & disease and on top of that, I have ADD & my 9yo girl has ADHD, ODD & OCD. I have Rhumatoid Arthritis, Narrowing in my spine in 2 places (there is a word that I know very well for that condition but, I cant remember it right now!!!) Fibromyalgia, 6 ruptured disc in my spine, PVD in my R leg, my right foot that hurts all the time although it is surgically fused, I have a total knee replacement in my r knee that hurts, & a hosts of other medical problems I just cant remember right now. I am in an active Pain Mgt program & I currently take tons of meds. I am not sure that some of the meds are working against my ADD. The docs say no but I am not so sure anymore. I was hit head on by a drunk driver when I was 22 yrs old. With alllll my medical problems, I find my ADD is the worst one that bothers me now.. I cannot remember ANYTHING, I cant get motivated to clean my house, I have clutter allll over and I just cant get anything done. I work all day cleaning and at the end of the day, the place looks worse that it did that AM. I loose words completely. I cannot remember the words I want to speak. Oh yeah, stenosis, It just came back to me.. Stenosis is the narrowing of your spine column. See, my words just go away & I look like an idiot when I talk to someone or talking to my husband. I am on disability now because I cannot work any longer. I have worked in the Customer Service field for 20+ yrs and was at the very top of my game when all this just started robing me of --- myself!!! I too forget to feed my ADHD daughter, I can make myself to do lists and forget to do the stuff on my list. I am extremely talented when it comes to arts & crafts. I make very nice jewelry, stained glass, mosiacs and the list goes on & on & on. Most of the time I start a project and it just sits there.. I have the hardest time finishing anything. I collect things for my different projects and it ends up being clutter everywhere. When my husb asks me about this or that, I respond Oh this, this is for a lamp I am designing or this is for a project I am work on. If he could EVER see anything finished, he would have more faith in my abilities. He knows I can make jewelry because I gave him some to take to work and It was all bought right away. He wanted me to make some more but, I could NOT get my self movitated to get it done. Now I have tons & tons of beads and jewelry findings all over the house because I cant get myself organized to set up my craft room. I have the room but the organization is just out of my control. My husband & I have had ALOT of maritial problems because he wants the house straightened up.. That is not an unreasonable request, Tell me why I just cant do it ???? We yell at our daughter then feel soooo guilty for yelling at her. I am NOT consistent with ANYTHING discipline wise, I just cant get it together. My 1st child whom I had when I was 20 yrs old did not have ADHD. I had soooo many problems raising her but they were my problems, she was a great child. I just could not get myself together enough to realize it back then.. She grew up and turned out OK, Thanks to God!!! When I was 39, I got remarried and found out I was PG, Yes folks, there is almost 19yrs difference between my girls age. It sucks to be a parent with alllll these problems and be responsible for another young life... I LOVE MY LITTLE GIRL with my whole heart and want to raise her right. I just feel like such a failure right now.. I got my hormones checked to see if I was in menopause because of the extreme irritation I was feeling, the forgetfullness, the anger that builds up inside me & causes me to snap at the world but the tests were negative. My doc said to f/u with my psych MD to see if my meds needs to be adjusted. I have been thru soooo many meds and adjustments. Sometimes I wonder If there is help ANYWHERE for me!!!!! We cannot afford to have professionals come to the home such as a house cleaner or an ADD coach so I am still trying to find answers. I just felt after reading some of these posts that I am NOT all alone with my symptoms like I thought I was... I now know that there are other Moms out there that struggle daily just to make it thru the day without loosing her self!!! I find comfort in prayer, so I do that alot. Hang in there ladies!!!

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"Wow - yes, it's hard being an ADHD mom! I want so much to be consistent and help my kids have a consistent routine . . . I make charts, and then forget to have them fill them out. I make rules and forget I made them! I can't tell you how many times I've grounded one of them, and then forgot all about it the next day! "

Diane, I had to check this more than once to make sure it wasn't a post I made! Yeah, all the charts and plans and discipline in the world don't help if you can't even remember you made the charts, the plans and implemented discipline. I can never even remember to refer back to things I've made to help me. Just wanted you to know you have a sympathetic twin out here. :) We keep plugging away . . .

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I so relate to these posts...thank you everyone for sharing - it is so helpful. Fitmom and IamADD: I have ADD (discovered after kids) and a chronic illness (CFIDS) and both my kids and my husband have ADHD and learning problems and my daughter also has Graves disease...The stress of life with undiagnosed ADD can cause all sorts of health problems (anxiety, depression...) and can lead to chronic illnesses (like crohn's disease) (kathleen nadeau has a text book about gender issues in adhd that talks about that)....and the chronic illnesses can make the ADD symptoms worse....(vicious cycle) (not to mention peri-menopausal hormonal fluctuations - Ugh!) which is why I can't focus to remember what I wanted to say to you.....OK, it's that you MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. We are sick because our bodies are telling us something. We need to listen to our bodies. We put so much pressure on ourselves, and we're not taking care of ourselves - so how can we take care of our kids? We will not get better and we will not be good for our children if we don't first figure out what WE need to take care of ourselves to get healthy so that we can be the kind of parents we want to be for our children - before they are grown. Two things that have helped me: 1) Years ago I read some books about cognitive therapy. Since I tended to be a little bit OCD (like many ADD'ers), I thought: "give me some POSITIVE thoughts to obsess over, and I'LL DO A REALLY GOOD JOB OF IT!!!!" -haha! By mothering yourself with POSITIVE SELF-TALK, you change and you're better for your kids. Try to speak to yourSELF with encouragement, the way you would like to speak to your children and the way you would speak to a friend. And give yourself a break!!! Forgive yourself, like your forgive your kids and LET IT GO. 2) The thing that I've recently begun doing that is hugely helpful is MEDITATION. The trick is to SCHEDULE it in and do it regularly! BUT WHEN I MEDITATE REGULARLY, I AM SO MUCH CALMER WITH MY KIDS AND HUSBAND, and I am so much better able to ACCEPT things as they are and APPRECIATE and act with a perspective on what's important NOW (each moment).....and decide to let go of things that I often choose to stress over - things that I can't change and only make myself sicker by stressing over. I would share more but this is the worst ADD thing - I made a rule for myself not to get on the computer at night, because I end-up staying up really late and I need to take care of myself and go to sleep so I'm going to sign off - just hang-in there, have hope, you are so not alone, you are doing the best you can, be kind to yourself - sending you hugs -

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I must have ADD. I have no official diagnosis, but after reading all of these posts and seeing myself over and over again, I can't deny it. I read the post from TRACYTOO about reading DIANE's post and wondering if SHE had written it--I felt the same way. I can't tell you how many times I have come up with a great idea for getting organized, helping my daughters get organized, starting a routine (like cleaning the bathroom once a week or vacuuming weekly). I even tried to homeschool my ADD/LD 6th grader--don't laugh--at the same time as I was teaching an online college English class and doing freelance editing. Didn't work. (And I have thousands of beads for making jewelry, as well as tons of material and patterns for making clothes--by the time I use the material, it will be antique!)

And by the way, when I read TRACYTOO's post to my husband, he laughed--kind of a "I told you so" laugh. He's been telling me I have ADD for at least a year.

I've already raised three great kids (23, 20, and 18) without too much damage. Could it be because I worked fulltime when they were young and they had "normal" people who provided routines while caring for them? (Just this morning, I was trying to come up with a chore chart, but I'd already forgotten about it when I started reading these posts ;-0) I'm happy to know I'm not alone. Hang in there, ladies.

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and I am a mother and wife. It is easier for me to be the one who has gone out to work than being the one home. I am to impatient for the daily grinds at home. I hate to clean . When my daughter was younger it was harder to be a mother I think because I never knew how to get away from the feeling of boredom that tend to plague me if she wanted me to play. I was so much better outside the house in the park because i would run and play on the slides and swings with her. Organization and keeping schedules for my family is difficult ; but it has gotten easier as she got older. I think it is me who though given her love of music and am the creative one so holiday decorations and thing were always my fortitude . As she got older I loved letting her to create with me. It is always a spontaneous follow-up so if I wanted something you would never know when or if I was going to check it. This drives her crazy; but It keeps her on her toes. .

Things that still make me crazy is that I sometimes want to kill her and my husband if they talk to me as if I don't understand because I asked a question that they thought I should have remembered or if I need help in algebra.Or if they invade my personal space and try to inject themselves into things when I haven't asked them I think it is harder to be a wife than a mother

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I'm recently diagnosed (tho not taking meds) and have two ADHD boys, 8 & 5, and baby girl who is probably headed down that path (God help me-lol!) For the most part, and to outside appearances, i do pretty well. I own my own p/t business and keep up with the house and kids OK. But I do recognize that I can get so easily frazzled when trying to do things like cook a meal--i need them OUT of my kitchen. We have to have chain bolts on the doors and our deck is gated like a large play pen for 2 yo, or the littler two will wander. I have a hard time talking on the phone with the kids around. The background noise is extremely distracting and annoying (and of course they CANNOT be quiet when mom's on the phone!) The outside thing--we live on a busy corner and we do try to play outdoors often but i have to be forever on my guard. I cannot let my eyes off them for even 5 seconds, and this can be a stressful mode to be in chronically. I feel the only time I can relax is after all are to bed. Now my older two are home all day on summer break as well, so the days are looooooong-lol! My husband works long hours and does help out but he also deals with a low frustration tolerance. I worry that we are constantly telling the kids, "NO!; STOP!; BE QUIET!; KNOCK ITOFF! GET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!", etc...not much in the way of positives. I feel bad about that. We have recently tried forgoing meds since the boys are home with me, but quickly realize they are too loud, wild and all over the place w/o their metadate cd daily. For my own sanity, I need to make sure they have their pills each a.m.....off to do that now! I hope this gives you a little snapshot of my parenting woes/challenges. Good luck with your studies and research! Thanks to all the moms for sharing your stories with ADHD : ) It's good to know we're not alone.

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Well I certainly don't feel alone now. Isn't it funny how far science has come to help us all because we have children with ADHD. If my children hadn't been diagnosed with ADHD then I would not have thought twice about it in my own life. I just thought I was hopelessly disorganized, cluttered and on an aimless treadmill of forgetfulness up until I found out my kids had ADHD. Even when my son got diagnosed 6 years ago, I blamed the ADHD on my ex-husbands genes because he had kids at such an early age (older siblings to my 2 kids), lost his temper easily, was a slob and has been married 4 times. LOL! I have raised my kids differently than my parents raised me (with 3 other siblings). My parents were wonderful, but they didn't have a great deal of involvement in my schooling; I choose to openly speak to the teachers and principals about my children's difficulties as well as their successes. We were the type of kids that were seen, but not heard growing up; my children are heard and listened too as well as respected for their opinions (unless of course they are mouthy). When I was growing up, alot of injuries happened due to my parents just thinking sibling rivalry; I realize today (with my 2 ADHD kids) that if I let it go, there will be a trip to the hospital eventually. I'm 43 and there really is no way to compare the way I grew up and the way my children have grown up. The ADHD is certainly not a crutch (for when their impulsiveness gets the better of them); but at least by knowing they have ADHD they can be aware of why they behave the way they do. When I was a kid, I never knew why!!!!! What could I do better to fix myself??? What was the right job for me (fired 3 times)??? Why was I the dumb one and my sister the smart one??? Why couldn't I make my first marriage work???How many guys did I need to go out with to feel cared for??? So many questions are answered now, and I have forgiven myself for the life I have led not knowing. My kids are better prepared for the world, and when they go out there I hope that I have helped them a little bit along the way.

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