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|Thread : Why Can't I Date Anyone Because of my ADHD?|
|1 Apr 2009 @ 2:28 AM|
Wed 1st Apr 2009
Why Can't I Date Anyone Because of my ADHD?
Hey everyone, my name's I'm 20 years old, and I'm in college. College has been crazy. I used to just "hook up" with girls I found attractive when I first got to college because with ADHD I'm impulsive and sometimes can't control skipping the relationship part and moving straight to the physical part. These days, though, I'm tired of the one night stands and loneliness of never having a girl around who I can make my one and only; who understands me. I've been trying to meet new women for a while, but have always felt deep down that everyone I've met won't work for me, probably because with an ADHD person like me, they might lack the patience and understanding necessary to get past the things I say and do that are unintentional. I just have trouble concealing what's on my mind when I meet a girl I like. I say what's on my mind immediately such as "I really like you," which drives girls away and makes me wish I could take things slow. I talk a lot and try to give the girls I'm frequently semi-involved with a chance to speak, but most times there's just silence from them. I'm passionate about music and many things and am so jacked on life that I love sharing things with them. Most times I think that these girls get turned off by that and just aren't as enthusiastic as I am. Recently I was told that "I talk too much about playing music and Blink-182" and that it was annoying and that this girl felt like I "talked 80% of the time and never let her have a chance to talk." I feel really guilty about this because I think people should understand the passions of ADHD and non-ADD people and their excitement to talk about them. The worst part is I feel the reason that I talk more than she does is not so much because of ADHD but when I give the girls I've met a chance to tell me things, there's silence, they have nothing interesting about life and themselves in general to contribute to the conversation. I know I'll probably meet someone someday who likes me for me and I'm okay with it that I haven't ever been in love or had a serious long-term relationship yet, but everyone I know has been or is in love and a long-term relationship.
What I want to know from everyone is: Am I doing the wrong things? What can I do with these girls I've met? How do I create an even exchange of thoughts and ideas with them to make them happy and realize that although I have ADHD, I'm a good guy and mean well?
|1 Apr 2009 @ 5:21 PM Reply # 1|
Wed 1st Apr 2009
You seem great!!! I do think you may want to start out the date knowing in yor mind that you will ask the girls about themselves first. Even write down alot of questions to ask them about who they are before the date,or the girl you want to ask out. Find girls who will not have one nights stand with you as well. There are girls out there that would like you talking alot and find what you say to be exciting and never a dull moment when they are with you because you do talk so much. BUT,train yourself to stop so they can get a word in the conversation,make sure to ask them what they think about your opinion as a segway into them speaking and you listening,this way they can join in the conversation. Make the first few dates active,like amusement parks,sporting events,these activites accomodate your high energy and it condones the proper enviroment to help with your energy on a first or second date or so. They can get a chance to see how fun you are and keep them interested till th enext date when you can be more calm and less anxious yourself.
gman513 said: Hey everyone, my name's I'm 20 years old, and I'm in college. College has been crazy. I used to just "hook up" with girls I found attractive when I first got to college because with ADHD I'm impulsive and sometimes can't control skipping the relationship part and moving straight to the physical part. These days, though, I'm tired of the one night stands and loneliness of never having a girl around who I can make my one and only; who understands me. I've been trying to meet new women for a while, but have always felt deep down that everyone I've met won't work for me, probably because with an ADHD person like me, they might lack the patience and understanding necessary to get past the things I say and do that are unintentional. I just have trouble concealing what's on my mind when I meet a girl I like. I say what's on my mind immediately such as "I really like you," which drives girls away and makes me wish I could take things slow. I talk a lot and try to give the girls I'm frequently semi-involved with a chance to speak, but most times there's just silence from them. I'm passionate about music and many things and am so jacked on life that I love sharing things with them. Most times I think that these girls get turned off by that and just aren't as enthusiastic as I am. Recently I was told that "I talk too much about playing music and Blink-182" and that it was annoying and that this girl felt like I "talked 80% of the time and never let her have a chance to talk." I feel really guilty about this because I think people should understand the passions of ADHD and non-ADD people and their excitement to talk about them. The worst part is I feel the reason that I talk more than she does is not so much because of ADHD but when I give the girls I've met a chance to tell me things, there's silence, they have nothing interesting about life and themselves in general to contribute to the conversation. I know I'll probably meet someone someday who likes me for me and I'm okay with it that I haven't ever been in love or had a serious long-term relationship yet, but everyone I know has been or is in love and a long-term relationship.
|2 Apr 2009 @ 1:55 AM Reply # 2|
Sat 31st May 2008
Threads: 11 Posts: 38
A girl's perspective
For the silence, as I am not in on the conversation I can't say for sure, but it may be that you need to not just "let them talk" (implying breathing for a minute and hoping she'll fill the space) but coax them to talk. Ie ask for their opinion about something. If they don't have one, ask a related question, or change the topic entirely (surprisingly, ADD can come in handy here b/c we can sometimes think of totally random things to ask!). If she doesn't happen to share your passion for a certain music style, she may not know what to say. Take note if they mention something you want to know more about, and bring it up later when you think you've talked to much (ie, "So you mentioned you're Mom was from Poland--when did she come to the US?")
An even BETTER idea is to go with things you KNOW you have in common (eg "I thought the last Calculus lecture was confusing --- could you follow what the prof was saying?"). This is why I am a STRONG believer in the conversation-promoting date. Concerts, movies, sporting events, theater, shopping for something you're interested in (like cd's) -- dates like this where you have something to discuss during or afterwards are fabulous because you don't have to come up with a list of questions before hand. You have an immediate shared experience as a starting point, which you can easuly use to probe the other person's interests ("So why did you hate the movie? What kinds of movies do you prefer? It reminded me of _. Did you get the same impression, or was it just me?" etc).
Group dates can also be nice if you're awkward with conversations because the other ppl can help keep the convo balanced. You get a chance to test the waters with a little less pressure on both of you, and getting to see how the other person functions in a group can tell you a lot about them. Plus, if you have any particularly close friends in the group, you get the chance to get some feedback afterwards if you are unsure if you talked too much (or some help ending the date early if it's totally bombing!).
Those are my thoughts. You seem like a nice guy. Just be yourself, and good luck!
|18 Apr 2009 @ 12:42 PM Reply # 3|
Sat 18th Apr 2009
Threads: 0 Posts: 3
Hang Out With Other ADD Kids Once in Awhile
I have actually had some of the same issues, but on the opposite side being that I'm a chick. I think the one thing that got me to a place where I could reign in my talking/more annoying ADD behaviors was actually being around other college kids with ADD. One of my best guy friends has ADD and in the beginning we sort of drove each other nuts b/c neither of us are really good at waiting our turn to talk. It led to a lot of circular conversations where one of us would have something to say but would have to wait to remember later on b/c the other person was talking when you were thinking it.However, the important part is you start to realize everyone else's point when you're getting frustrated because your ADD friend isn't letting you get a word in or they only stop after such a long time your ADD brain has already completely forgotten what you were gonna say and 90% of what they said. Basically it makes you much more aware in two ways: it shows you how annoying you yourself can be and it teaches you to learn some give and take. Not saying that you have to be hard on yourself, but being self aware is one of the biggest self developed coping tools you can give yourself. Focus on non verbal cues...are their eyes drifting away when you talk? Are they only responding with yahs? Um hmms? Totallys? Oh for sures? Think about your relationships: do you know how many siblings they have? What kind of foods they like? What kind of activities they did when they were younger? What hobbies they have? What their fav music is? This is a good assessment tool for me b/c given that I talk a TON my friends know EVERYTHING about me but when I realized i know very little about some of them I start asking questions and trying to keep my mouth shut. Hope that helps! Of course I know its not fair or cool to be judged for something that doesn't feel voluntary or purposeful, but understanding the way ADD/ADHD presents itself in your personality actually is the key to fixing it. Just knowing that you have historically talked too much in the past will help you be less chatty in the future. Finally, you could always date somebody that is a little quieter. There are such things as personality compliments where your boisterous, talkative enthusiasm is balanced by a more subdued, shy mannerism that together actually does work well in some cases.
|30 Apr 2009 @ 8:14 AM Reply # 4|
Thu 30th Apr 2009
A nice change of pace...
Hello, I agree with the the posts that follow the original post here. They together seem to work really well and even apart give so much insight as to how both sides of the dating " game" (However much I hate calling it that). I was diagnosed with ADHD at 17 (am now 26) I was placed on Paxil which I hated in the first place, so when I was going through the steps of joining the Navy I learned that I could not be on a medication to control a mental state to do the job I was wanting to do. None the less I quit taking it. This realization of the differences from with medication to without changed alot of how I thought about things. So to take this back to the topic at hand, Dating is hard and in reality yes ADHD and ADD or any other problem just makes it harder. I learned to look for signals within my own actions and try to use them to my advantage, I am sure you can do the same. The thing you have to first remember is to be yourself as everyone knows is the right answer and says over and over again, right. Well the advice I am going to give has worked for me so it is all just suggestion. The absolute first thing you have to remember when you are out with a girl it being the first date or any date, is you are there because you want to be with her (or at least I would hope). So with that said I have learned that talking is great! I tend to do it a whole lot, however I have learned to get a stop sign to talk back. Obviously you have to ask questions, and if those don't work or you can't think of any, use emotions. It is really hard to try and figure out which emotions are ok to touch on, on a first date but I garuntee they will remember you after if you do. Go with happy ones first find something positive around you (NEVER NEGATIVE) the food or maybe your seat is wicked comfortable make a comment about it, she might laugh at the comment and it may embarass you a bit but she laughed right???? And girls are typically going to get to know more about you before you know alot about them. So try to switch that role it will keep them wanting to know more. Anyway thats enough of my opinion for now maybe if you like this let me know I love to share. I will check back often.
|5 May 2009 @ 11:59 PM Reply # 5|
Tue 24th Mar 2009
Threads: 7 Posts: 46
I had a difficult time controlling my impulses when I dated women in college. The first thing that came out of my mouth was usually the last. There are myriad of suggested tips to combat the impulsiveness, but I wonder if the authors of these tips ever walked in our shoes. Hyperactivity and distraction can be managed to a certain extent; impulsiveness is a burst of mental energy that is difficult to control. i love the "count to ten" before speaking tip. I never made it past three.
I was fortunate that I met a woman in college who cherished my "beautiful mind." Our relationship was more about our minds than bodies, and that went a long way towards validating my behavior. She meant so much to me that I dedicated a book about ADHD to her. I sincerely hope you can find a similar person to confide in and share intimate moments.
Don Author-Dear Mary: My Life with ADHD
|18 May 2009 @ 3:53 PM Reply # 6|
Sun 6th Jan 2008
Threads: 0 Posts: 20
Dating and ADD
You've gotten a lot of good advice here. I would like to point out a few things for you to think about: First, don't use your ADD as an excuse for dominating conversations or saying things that might hurt someone because you don't think them through. You can learn not to do this. One method is to teach yourself to take a deep breath before responding to someone (think before you speak). Another is to put a losenge in your check while you are speaking as a physical reminder to "slow down". Another is to count to five before responding. Practice this with your guy friends or your non-date girlfriends. If you are speaking too much of the time, practice speaking in smaller chunks with friends or a coach. Set a timer for one minute (or two). At the end of the minute, the other person gets to speak. If you do this a lot, you can teach yourself to shorten the duration of how long you speak. Make sure to LISTEN to what the other person says in response so that you can continue your conversation in a mutually interesting way.
As for your question "how do I make girls realize that I'm a good guy and mean well?" I want you to take a look at what you mean by that. Do you mean that because you mean well they should just put up with your dominating the conversation forever? That you don't intend to try to change some of your conversational patterns? If so, you should consider the long-term ramifications of this. Girls aren't the only ones who have trouble with people who dominate conversations. So do bosses, co-workers, friends, and more. My point is this - don't use your ADD as an excuse to not try to work on this. I'm not encouraging you to let go of your enthusiasm, nor am I suggesting that you shouldn't participate...just do so in a way that encourages others to engage actively with you.
To avoid those awkward silences you can always invite someone into a conversation. By ending with a "what do you think?" or "do you see it the same way?" or some such, a date then feels invited in. If "what do you think?" doesn't fit onto the end of whatever you were talking about, then you aren't holding a conversation...you're giving a lecture. Boring!!! Use this test to make sure that you aren't just lecturing without realizing it.
Finally, make sure you are listening (not always a great ADD skill!) To show your interest in your date, listen to what she has to say, then say something like "so I think you said (fill in the blank here)" Careful listening is one of the secrets of a GREAT date - everyone loves to be heard.
|19 May 2009 @ 11:03 PM Reply # 7|
Wed 1st Apr 2009
I appreciate the advice and suggestions
Thanks to everyone who has posted a reply here, the tips have really helped. After this semester I grew as a person and realized a lot about the types of women I was seeing. I tended to read too far into things most of the time and now I'm doing things differently. I have to be my own person, and be a man. I have to be confident in who I am and what I do. As long as I make a conscious effort to be myself and try my hardest to listen and ask questions, there is no fault if someone fails to like me for me. Right now women are the last thing on my mind. I have school, playing music, baseball, and a number of random things I tend to become obsessed with from time to time to occupy my thoughts. I've realized that I cannot compromise who I am, what I do, or what I love for someone unless they've earned that compromise. The compromise can only be for the right reasons, though, I can't simply give up music just because some girl doesn't like guys who play guitars; that would be unfair. But if compromising means closing my mouth for one night and letting her do most of the talking, I believe that's fair assuming she has asked me in a sincere and kind manner. Overall I appreciate everyone's help. I'm 21 years old now and I feel that although I've always been emotionally behind my peers, I'm growing up mentally. I feel that now more than ever I'm becoming the mature, confident, and genuine adhd person I've always intended to be. I'm finally learning to handle my emotions and actions in the right ways.
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