My husband and I both have ADD, as well as our 3 children. It is very difficult, and I am in a similar situation to yours. The best resource I have found is a book called "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" It offers an incredible amount of support for the non-ADD spouse. Hope it helps........I ordered it from Amazon.

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GoingKrazy,

First and foremost, you are not alone, and my heart and hugs go out to you. I too, am married to an ADD spouse. It took nearly 12 years into our marriage before he was diagnosed (we've been married for over 18 years now), and we'd been through hell and back with anger, anxiety and depression, frustration, you name it! The good news is there really is a way to manage your life with an ADD partner. He took medication for a while, but didn't like the side effects, so we agreed to go off the meds. Notice that I said 'we'.

My first recommendation (and it's the hardest for you), is to realize that he hates having ADD even more than you do. He's lived with it, either diagnosed or undiagnosed, his whole life, and has felt the impact of it very personally. As a result, he's likely carrying a bunch of other negative baggage (crummy self image, anger as the first defense mechanism to cover fear of failure, alcohol abuse......the list can be really long here, I'm sorry to say.) Anyway, if you are able to separate the person you love from the disability you hate, it can be a major relief for both of you.

The second recommendation is to learn as much as you can about ADD. The ADDitude web site is helpful, and there are some really good books/tapes/DVDs out there (You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?, or a personal favorite, the series on depression and anxiety from the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety, though it's pricey to the tune of about $400 and requires discipline (on your part!, to get through all 15 weeks.) Neither of you can fix or get rid of the ADD, but you can develop a long list of coping skills for both of you to draw on. It is SO much more manageable when there's at least SOMETHING that you can try, even if it only works once, or for a short time. When the situation presents itself, you might also find that you can both work together on developing a strategy to work around the ADD, but just know that it might take some time before either of you can trust the other in that effort.

Next, develop a venting mechanism for yourself, one who is not your spouse. Ideally, it's a female friend who is really good at listening and who DOES NOT offer advice. Having a male friend makes you vulnerable to infidelity (been there, done that, and it only complicates things). Having a friend who commiserates that you're married to a jerk (when he's being a jerk) only reinforces negative things that you have in your mind at the time (not helpful!) I found it's better when my friend is not a family member, either, because it can get messy at family functions. That way, you might be able to come off meds too, if it's appropriate, because you will have a place to dump all the emotional junk that you just can't share with an ADD spouse.

Sorry to go on so long, but I promise, there really is a life with an ADD spouse, provided there's no abuse or other stuff that is outside of the ADD.

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Krystal has a great point, you can have a life with an ADHD spouse, but it takes a lot of work for BOTH of you. Learning more about ADHD will certainly help give you a perspective on your husband's struggles with ADHD. It helps to focus on the relationship's strengths, not its weaknesses. Think positive, it will help when times get rough.

I did a search on the ADDitude website and found these articles that you might appreciate:

Communication Secrets of ADHD Spouses

Married to ADHD

If you need more info, there is a whole list of articles for spouses of ADHD adults.

These should be a good starting point. I hope this helps.

Good luck.

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Thanks so much for your thoughts and support. I have ordered "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" and I will look over those sites. I really need to be more positive. It is just so hard when it hurts me so much.

I also went to a CHADD meeting in my area but found there wasn't a support group for the non-ADD spouse. They may try to start one if they have enough interest. It was sad to hear all those people pleading for something to fix "it". They can do meds, therapy, biofeedback, all they want. It won't make "it" go away. It is permanent. I want "it" to go away.

It is so hard to separate the man I love from the ADD. It is so pervasive. Sometimes I am able to but it is so much work! He doesn't say what he means and I am not a mind reader. I can only hear the words coming out of his mouth and I go by that. He questions what I say as if I didn't mean it! I keep telling him that when I say I'm going to do something he can carve it in stone. It's no use. It's not going to stop.

I definitely need to develop my own coping skills. I know the fact that he does have ADD bothers him so much and has hurt him all his life. But it's hurting me and our kids. I can only hope that he will come around and want to work on it too.

You are SO right about finding a friend I can vent to. That will really help me a lot.

Thanks

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I'll ask my husband to do something, say, put away a load of laundry, as we're cleaning up the house. He says 'ok'. Then, I'll be busy getting all the stuff done that I have in mind, and come back an hour later and notice that he hasn't even started the task. It used to (and still does sometimes) drive me nuts or make me angry. However, if I take notice of what he's been doing over the past hour, what has happened is that he went to find hangers, but got sidetracked with something on television, which reminded him of something that was in his car that he needed to get for work, which..... you know how it goes. It's kind of like the children's book, "If You Give a Moose a Muffin", except the situation doesn't resolve back to getting the first task done. It's both humorous and heartbreaking to see a person wander inefficiently from one thing to another.

A potential solution: If you really want to have a task completed, get his full, undivided attention and then ask in a direct way that has the plan built in, because ADDers often have a really hard time planning a strategy to complete a task, especially if it is even a little bit ambiguous. It might go like this-- "Would you be able to put away this load of laundry within the next half hour?" (You have the basket right in front of both of you) When he says, "Sure" you can respond "Great, I'll go get the hangers out of my closet if that would help." He'll probably thank you for taking on part of the task, or say "No, that's ok", and get the hangers himself. Odds are much higher that he'll do the job, and get it done sooner and without distractions. (If he says no to the first question, then you can always ask, "Ok, when do you think you'll be free, and I'll come back then?") Either way, he stays on task, and you don't feel like his mom.

Something to remember that helps in general, is that an ADDer is missing a key filtering element in the brain. All stimulus comes in at the same time, with the same level of intensity. So as you're asking him to put away a basket of laundry, in his brain the television and the radio are on, he's recalling a conversation about the weather, and somebody cutting him off in traffic, but also remembering the sound of the Indy 500, and seeing his kids at the circus. To make things worse, the noise level for each activity is exactly the same. Sound a little distracting? That's what it's like in their brain 24x7. Where the non-ADDer can tune out a lot of extraneous stuff, the ADDer can't. That makes just being himself a stressful experience. Chances are, he married you because there is something about you that triggers a sense of calm, or a sense of peace. Each time you interact with each other, try and capture that sense of calm in your voice, in your face, and in your touch. That helps him tune into you, rather than listen to all the noise in his own brain. It's also a great way for you to feel loved by him, because you can see that he sees and hears you in spite of all the distractions pulling at him.

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That post was amazing! How you explained it is SO right. It is exactly what happens! I can't tell you how comforting it is to talk with someone that gets it.

It is so hard to think outside your own brain and for ADDers, probably impossible. Thanks for putting it all into perspective for me.

It still is a lot of work but at least there would be a chance of getting the tasks done! I still feel like he is another child and I have to spell each step out for him as I do my kids. Actually they are a lot easier! Instead of just saying "please get me a glass of milk," I have to say "Please get the milk out of the fridge, close the fridge, get a glass and pour the milk in it, then return the milk to the fridge, in the same place you found it, close the fridge, and then bring the glass of milk to me. All this has to be said slowly because it's too many steps for him to remember.

Most of the time I end up just doing things myself. It's so much easier. He really resents that. He wants to help but it's worse when he says he'll do something, I count on him to do it, and then it just doesn't happen. He is great at making excuses why he wasn't able to follow through. I guess that's his coping mechanism. I bought all his excuses when we were dating, but I am on to him now and it's not acceptable. I want him to tell the truth. To just say "I forgot, it's the ADD, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do now?" Then I would feel more compassionate and understanding. I'd rather he'd just say "I'll try to do it." Then I would know I might have to do it and I can leave time for that. I've mentioned that scenario to him but of course he forgets.

Again the work is on the non-ADD spouse. It just irks me. I hate ADD!

I will try what you suggested and I am hoping it will be less stressful for all of us. The one who is annoyed and angered the most is me so I guess I have to do the work.

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The most important thing to remember (regardless of ADD or non ADD) is you must show him respect! There is no faster way to ruin your relationship than by not doing so.

And you can't change him so stop trying! He has to WANT to change, then you can help him by coming up with coping strategies that work FOR HIM, not you, your kids, ect. Even between ADDer's different strategies work better for different people. I recommend the help of a good ADD coach; that can counsel both of you.

Also remember this (it's probably one of the best quotes I've ever heard) "All life's stress come from our expectations." -Dr. Gary Smally

I'll be praying for you guys, -Brandon Cordoba

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I feel your pain. I have a husband who was diagnosed as a child. He refuses to admit that he is ADD because he never took meds. His mom has assured me of his diagnosis. Not only do I have to deal with the issues that affect our marraige, I also have to deal with his denial. I also have 3 kids with varying degrees of the disorder. It compounds the problem when your spouse doesn't think that I should teach the kids to be responsible for their daily responsibilities or to accept consequences for their actions. Hang in there, I can only say that one day, you and your husband will have figured out what works for you both and take some time for yourself. It helps to get away and decompress before you explode.

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Brandon, Thanks for your support. I feel so angry at ADD that I find it difficult to separate if from my husband. I feel I have lost respect for him and I often feel disrespected from him. While I know many times it's his ADD talking (he says it's just his personality) it still hurts. He says I just look at what he says with the wrong perspective. Throws up stuff about my childhood and how it's my problem. He refuses to hear that he plays a part in it too. I am the one on depression meds just so I can maintain my sanity in this marriage.

I am just too angry at ADD to see clearly now. It is hard for me to be compassionate.

A coach or counseling would be great but he won't do it. So I am seeking counseling for me. I don't want to help him come up for coping strategies that work for HIM. He has to do that on his own. He rolls his at me eyes every time I bring up the subject of ADD. I need to work on me.

I love your quote! I will tape that to my computer next to my other one: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Thanks for the prayers GK

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Dear Plodding Along,

Teaching your kids to be responsible for their daily responsibilities and to accept consequences for their actions is a very important life skill for EVERYONE! You go for it girl!

You must work very hard to keep it all together. My heart goes out to you.

I would LOVE to take some time for myself. I need quiet and alone time to recharge my batteries. I need to get a sitter!

I can only hope that someday my husband and I can work this all out.

GK

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