My husband and I both have ADD, as well as our 3 children. It is very difficult, and I am in a similar situation to yours. The best resource I have found is a book called "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" It offers an incredible amount of support for the non-ADD spouse. Hope it helps........I ordered it from Amazon.

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GoingKrazy,

First and foremost, you are not alone, and my heart and hugs go out to you. I too, am married to an ADD spouse. It took nearly 12 years into our marriage before he was diagnosed (we've been married for over 18 years now), and we'd been through hell and back with anger, anxiety and depression, frustration, you name it! The good news is there really is a way to manage your life with an ADD partner. He took medication for a while, but didn't like the side effects, so we agreed to go off the meds. Notice that I said 'we'.

My first recommendation (and it's the hardest for you), is to realize that he hates having ADD even more than you do. He's lived with it, either diagnosed or undiagnosed, his whole life, and has felt the impact of it very personally. As a result, he's likely carrying a bunch of other negative baggage (crummy self image, anger as the first defense mechanism to cover fear of failure, alcohol abuse......the list can be really long here, I'm sorry to say.) Anyway, if you are able to separate the person you love from the disability you hate, it can be a major relief for both of you.

The second recommendation is to learn as much as you can about ADD. The ADDitude web site is helpful, and there are some really good books/tapes/DVDs out there (You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?, or a personal favorite, the series on depression and anxiety from the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety, though it's pricey to the tune of about $400 and requires discipline (on your part!, to get through all 15 weeks.) Neither of you can fix or get rid of the ADD, but you can develop a long list of coping skills for both of you to draw on. It is SO much more manageable when there's at least SOMETHING that you can try, even if it only works once, or for a short time. When the situation presents itself, you might also find that you can both work together on developing a strategy to work around the ADD, but just know that it might take some time before either of you can trust the other in that effort.

Next, develop a venting mechanism for yourself, one who is not your spouse. Ideally, it's a female friend who is really good at listening and who DOES NOT offer advice. Having a male friend makes you vulnerable to infidelity (been there, done that, and it only complicates things). Having a friend who commiserates that you're married to a jerk (when he's being a jerk) only reinforces negative things that you have in your mind at the time (not helpful!) I found it's better when my friend is not a family member, either, because it can get messy at family functions. That way, you might be able to come off meds too, if it's appropriate, because you will have a place to dump all the emotional junk that you just can't share with an ADD spouse.

Sorry to go on so long, but I promise, there really is a life with an ADD spouse, provided there's no abuse or other stuff that is outside of the ADD.

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Krystal has a great point, you can have a life with an ADHD spouse, but it takes a lot of work for BOTH of you. Learning more about ADHD will certainly help give you a perspective on your husband's struggles with ADHD. It helps to focus on the relationship's strengths, not its weaknesses. Think positive, it will help when times get rough.

I did a search on the ADDitude website and found these articles that you might appreciate:

Communication Secrets of ADHD Spouses

Married to ADHD

If you need more info, there is a whole list of articles for spouses of ADHD adults.

These should be a good starting point. I hope this helps.

Good luck.

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Thanks so much for your thoughts and support. I have ordered "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" and I will look over those sites. I really need to be more positive. It is just so hard when it hurts me so much.

I also went to a CHADD meeting in my area but found there wasn't a support group for the non-ADD spouse. They may try to start one if they have enough interest. It was sad to hear all those people pleading for something to fix "it". They can do meds, therapy, biofeedback, all they want. It won't make "it" go away. It is permanent. I want "it" to go away.

It is so hard to separate the man I love from the ADD. It is so pervasive. Sometimes I am able to but it is so much work! He doesn't say what he means and I am not a mind reader. I can only hear the words coming out of his mouth and I go by that. He questions what I say as if I didn't mean it! I keep telling him that when I say I'm going to do something he can carve it in stone. It's no use. It's not going to stop.

I definitely need to develop my own coping skills. I know the fact that he does have ADD bothers him so much and has hurt him all his life. But it's hurting me and our kids. I can only hope that he will come around and want to work on it too.

You are SO right about finding a friend I can vent to. That will really help me a lot.

Thanks

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I'll ask my husband to do something, say, put away a load of laundry, as we're cleaning up the house. He says 'ok'. Then, I'll be busy getting all the stuff done that I have in mind, and come back an hour later and notice that he hasn't even started the task. It used to (and still does sometimes) drive me nuts or make me angry. However, if I take notice of what he's been doing over the past hour, what has happened is that he went to find hangers, but got sidetracked with something on television, which reminded him of something that was in his car that he needed to get for work, which..... you know how it goes. It's kind of like the children's book, "If You Give a Moose a Muffin", except the situation doesn't resolve back to getting the first task done. It's both humorous and heartbreaking to see a person wander inefficiently from one thing to another.

A potential solution: If you really want to have a task completed, get his full, undivided attention and then ask in a direct way that has the plan built in, because ADDers often have a really hard time planning a strategy to complete a task, especially if it is even a little bit ambiguous. It might go like this-- "Would you be able to put away this load of laundry within the next half hour?" (You have the basket right in front of both of you) When he says, "Sure" you can respond "Great, I'll go get the hangers out of my closet if that would help." He'll probably thank you for taking on part of the task, or say "No, that's ok", and get the hangers himself. Odds are much higher that he'll do the job, and get it done sooner and without distractions. (If he says no to the first question, then you can always ask, "Ok, when do you think you'll be free, and I'll come back then?") Either way, he stays on task, and you don't feel like his mom.

Something to remember that helps in general, is that an ADDer is missing a key filtering element in the brain. All stimulus comes in at the same time, with the same level of intensity. So as you're asking him to put away a basket of laundry, in his brain the television and the radio are on, he's recalling a conversation about the weather, and somebody cutting him off in traffic, but also remembering the sound of the Indy 500, and seeing his kids at the circus. To make things worse, the noise level for each activity is exactly the same. Sound a little distracting? That's what it's like in their brain 24x7. Where the non-ADDer can tune out a lot of extraneous stuff, the ADDer can't. That makes just being himself a stressful experience. Chances are, he married you because there is something about you that triggers a sense of calm, or a sense of peace. Each time you interact with each other, try and capture that sense of calm in your voice, in your face, and in your touch. That helps him tune into you, rather than listen to all the noise in his own brain. It's also a great way for you to feel loved by him, because you can see that he sees and hears you in spite of all the distractions pulling at him.

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That post was amazing! How you explained it is SO right. It is exactly what happens! I can't tell you how comforting it is to talk with someone that gets it.

It is so hard to think outside your own brain and for ADDers, probably impossible. Thanks for putting it all into perspective for me.

It still is a lot of work but at least there would be a chance of getting the tasks done! I still feel like he is another child and I have to spell each step out for him as I do my kids. Actually they are a lot easier! Instead of just saying "please get me a glass of milk," I have to say "Please get the milk out of the fridge, close the fridge, get a glass and pour the milk in it, then return the milk to the fridge, in the same place you found it, close the fridge, and then bring the glass of milk to me. All this has to be said slowly because it's too many steps for him to remember.

Most of the time I end up just doing things myself. It's so much easier. He really resents that. He wants to help but it's worse when he says he'll do something, I count on him to do it, and then it just doesn't happen. He is great at making excuses why he wasn't able to follow through. I guess that's his coping mechanism. I bought all his excuses when we were dating, but I am on to him now and it's not acceptable. I want him to tell the truth. To just say "I forgot, it's the ADD, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do now?" Then I would feel more compassionate and understanding. I'd rather he'd just say "I'll try to do it." Then I would know I might have to do it and I can leave time for that. I've mentioned that scenario to him but of course he forgets.

Again the work is on the non-ADD spouse. It just irks me. I hate ADD!

I will try what you suggested and I am hoping it will be less stressful for all of us. The one who is annoyed and angered the most is me so I guess I have to do the work.

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The most important thing to remember (regardless of ADD or non ADD) is you must show him respect! There is no faster way to ruin your relationship than by not doing so.

And you can't change him so stop trying! He has to WANT to change, then you can help him by coming up with coping strategies that work FOR HIM, not you, your kids, ect. Even between ADDer's different strategies work better for different people. I recommend the help of a good ADD coach; that can counsel both of you.

Also remember this (it's probably one of the best quotes I've ever heard) "All life's stress come from our expectations." -Dr. Gary Smally

I'll be praying for you guys, -Brandon Cordoba

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I feel your pain. I have a husband who was diagnosed as a child. He refuses to admit that he is ADD because he never took meds. His mom has assured me of his diagnosis. Not only do I have to deal with the issues that affect our marraige, I also have to deal with his denial. I also have 3 kids with varying degrees of the disorder. It compounds the problem when your spouse doesn't think that I should teach the kids to be responsible for their daily responsibilities or to accept consequences for their actions. Hang in there, I can only say that one day, you and your husband will have figured out what works for you both and take some time for yourself. It helps to get away and decompress before you explode.

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Brandon, Thanks for your support. I feel so angry at ADD that I find it difficult to separate if from my husband. I feel I have lost respect for him and I often feel disrespected from him. While I know many times it's his ADD talking (he says it's just his personality) it still hurts. He says I just look at what he says with the wrong perspective. Throws up stuff about my childhood and how it's my problem. He refuses to hear that he plays a part in it too. I am the one on depression meds just so I can maintain my sanity in this marriage.

I am just too angry at ADD to see clearly now. It is hard for me to be compassionate.

A coach or counseling would be great but he won't do it. So I am seeking counseling for me. I don't want to help him come up for coping strategies that work for HIM. He has to do that on his own. He rolls his at me eyes every time I bring up the subject of ADD. I need to work on me.

I love your quote! I will tape that to my computer next to my other one: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Thanks for the prayers GK

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Dear Plodding Along,

Teaching your kids to be responsible for their daily responsibilities and to accept consequences for their actions is a very important life skill for EVERYONE! You go for it girl!

You must work very hard to keep it all together. My heart goes out to you.

I would LOVE to take some time for myself. I need quiet and alone time to recharge my batteries. I need to get a sitter!

I can only hope that someday my husband and I can work this all out.

GK

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I have ADHD and I married a man who was diagnosed with ADD this past year. He has two children ( girls ages 6 and 9 ) who also have ADD and ADHD. I have only been married for a year and I am almost ready to call it quits! I have ADHD so I am not guessing how they are feeling or how ADD is a challenge at times. I am tired of raising three children myself. I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions and learn strategies that help me deal with some of my issues( forgetfulness,organization etc.). I have offered my husband advice, offered him books to read etc. but...he goes back to his same old patterns. The 9 year old daughter acts just like him! I love them all but am wondering if it is worth it. I don't want to resent them. We all go to a psychologist and psychiatrist for assistance in dealing with the dynamics of our family but is it enough? I have begun taking depression medication again to deal with these over whelming issues and my own dog now has to take depression medication! I have the same question I saw on another blog. Where does responsibility begin and ADD end? How do I know if medication needs to be changed or responisbility needs to be learned with the children? I have asked the children's psychiatrist the same question and she does not have an answer. I am looking for a better doctor to assist us more. However, is medication or another doctor what we need OR is it responisbility for one's self and showing intiative what is needed? I feel like I have read every article and book I can get my hands on but not too much has changed. Sincerely, frustrated!

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Dear Prozac,

I certainly am no expert on this but IMHO I would say it is much easier to teach the children to be responsible. The earlier they learn coping mechanisms the easier it will be for them when they get older. It may be difficult for yout to train them now but it will pay off later.

I now suspect my ds(11) is ADD also. Same patterns as my dh. We are both teaching him ways to compensate. It still is very frustrating. My dh does some time management and other things which he doesn't talk with me about, to cope with his ADD. He just doesn't want to talk about ADD at all.

Initiative on the part of the spouse is VERY important, in my book. It shows that at least he cares enough to try. I wouldn't expect kids to take the initiative but perhaps if there was a reward they would have more motivation. For example, my kids earn video game time by getting chores done and extra for good behavior.

It is interesting to me that you married into this family. Did you know they had ADHD before you married? I would think that you would have a greater understanding and more compassion since you are ADD yourself. Remember I am an "outsider." I just don't get that ADD brain. I want to run from it!

"We all go to a psychologist and psychiatrist for assistance in dealing with the dynamics of our family but is it enough?" I love your question! Good for you all for trying! I think it certainly helps. But @#! that ADD/ADHD it is not going to go away no matter what you do!

GK

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Dear Prozac,

Congratulations on having found coping strategies the work to make your life more manageable. That's a major accomplishment. But don't let your success turn to resentment for someone else who hasn't had (and might never have) that epiphany moment that made you want a change. Generally, it's the person who does not have ADD/ADHD who goes through those feelings, so this shows a real level of awareness on your part. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, every ADD/ADHD person grows at precisely the rate that they are ready/able.

Make sure that you have only those things in your life that really matter, in terms of people, actual stuff, and activities. It goes against the grain of non-ADD society not to have a life crammed full, but it makes great ADD sense not to overwhelm yourself or each other. Then, relax. You've created an environment for the ADDer to have success. As a byproduct, you will also have created a framework that will allow for the epiphany to happen. Doesn't guarantee that it will, but at least the atmosphere for positive change is there.

Where does responsibility begin and ADD end? The answer is pretty simple, actually--when there is no alternative. ADDers cope just fine when there is no other option. I mean when there is TRULY no other option. Most of us get really stressed when we're at the brink of 'crash and burn,' and want to keep that from happening whenever possible. Fortunately, there are few situations in life that are truly crash and burn moments, it just seems that way. Bills should be paid, but life doesn't end when they're not. Yes, your credit rating goes in the tank and it's a nuisance not to have electricity, but life doesn't end. Some ADDer's seem to know when it's not REALLY a crash and burn moment, so they procrastinate, avoid, ignore, or otherwise not deal with a situation. But when a TRUE crisis happens, they are able to react responsibly and effectively.

Case in point: my ADHD (high school aged) son rarely gets his homework turned in on time, and has horrible grades. But, when we had brush fires in the Everglades that forced him to organize an evacuation of the house and our pets, he was a portrait of efficiency. (My husband and I tried to get home from our offices, but were not allowed into the area because of road blocks). He marshalled his younger brother, caged the 2 dogs and 2 cats (who were freaking because they sensed danger) locked up the house, and calmly left the area with a neighbor. The whole time I'm calling him on his cell phone to offer advice, but he told me, "Mom, I've got things under control, you can just relax." And he was right.

Streamline your lives, and only give your stress energy to those things that really matter.

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Hey GoingKrazy how are you!? May I recommend the book, "Change your heart, change your life" I'm reading it right now and it's really great.

And your right the only one we can change is ourselves. You'll probably find as you being changing yourself for the better you'll began to have a positive influence on your husband, and I wouldn't be surprised if he would one day begin to change to. :) There is always hope.

Still praying for you GoingKrazy. Phileo, Brandon

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Hi Everyone:

My husband (for ten years) has ADD and is in denial. I have 2 children, one of them has ADD too. As you all know, clearing up the clutter in the house, is like shoveling in the snow.

Here is one suggestion that I have found helpful in my house. I purchased a "time machine". The time machine controls the TV and DVD player. In order to get half an hour of screen time, my kids need to earn a coin to put in the machine.

They don't get any coins until they clear up the clutter in the living room, kitchen and bathroom. (a practical way of implementing what "goingcrazy" suggested: chores vs videotime)

This takes care of the kids at least. If dad doesn't do it, I have no control over it. If he does it for them because he thinks I should be doing it form them, that doesn't help either but overall, this little device has been extremely helpful.

I purchased it at amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Time-Machine-Childrens-Management-System/dp/B000W4H6FQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1244223512&sr=8-2

I also got the book, Is it You, Me or ADD? -- very helpful!!!

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I have been dating a man for 3 years (we are not kids - both in early 50s) who just now admitted to me that he has ADD. For all this time I thought I was just with someone terribly inconsiderate - the ignored birthdays (you are too old for that!), last minute Christmas gifts, etc. The worst experience was when he told he would me would drive me to the hospital for a biopsy, showed up after I took 2 vicadin - and said he didn't feel like driving. So I drove high as a kite. He is very nice in public - but very sarcastic and demeaning when we are alone. Unable to have serious conversations, ridicules my beliefs and blames me for always getting mad at him. Cannot grow up - Mom comes first in everything. No confidences - tells Mom everything. Finally opened up about the ADD - very casually and laughing about it. For the past several years I have felt like I have been losing my mind. He is unwilling to get help and brushes it off. I have finally had enough. I feel sorry for him, but need to stay away. Hard to talk with friends about this - and they all like him. Just need to get some of this out. I am a successful businesswoman and am blaming myself for not catching this earlier. I guess until recently I was not even sure of what ADD was.

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Hi Wornout, I totally get where you are at. You have to do what is best for you. Be glad you don't have any children with him and you can walk away.

There may even be another thing going on with him and all of us non-ADDers. I just found out my dh has Aspergers syndrome. It is also know as High Functioning Autism (HFA). From what I have been reading, ADD is actually one of the character traits on the Autistic Spectrum! This syndrome is SO puzzling! It has a lot to do with executive functioning, social skills, emotional regulation, impulsiveness, and much more. It is permanent and there is no medication for it. You can just Google it to find out more. Everything makes SO much sense to me now! Our new marriage counselor saw it right away and said Aspergers is extremely under diagnosed. One out of 6 boys/men have it. 80% of Aspie marriages fail! I began to see it in my ds so I had him tested and just got a formal dx so I know for sure my dh has it. Of course my dh is in denial about that too. I am getting services for my son so he won't have as difficult a life as my dh has. My dh is fighting me over it though. He doesn't want our son to have a label. I don't care! I just want to get him the help he needs!

I am still wondering if it is worth it to stay in this relationship. I am so tired of being blamed for what is really his Aspie perspective on the world. I am concerned that if I leave the battles over my son's care will be even harder because we will have to go through attorneys. I just can't live this way anymore. Life is too short. I am 53 and a breast cancer survivor. Marriage shouldn't have to be this hard.

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Oh, thank you all! I, too, have often felt like I am drowning and have given up so much of myself in order to deal with a man who cannot or will not change that I have questioned my sanity, have gone through depression, you name it. Trying to raise a son who is like a junior version of his Dad's ADD to be a caring and responsible person who will cope. Like his Dad, he is smart, sweet and charming when he wants to be, funny, talented in a million ways, and so full of life! I try daily for the strength and humor to make these attributes, not the ADD, the deciding factors in his life and relationships. I got on this site because my husband was driving me crazy trying to do and say and worry about 9,000 things at the same time and ultimately doing a half-ass job at all but worrying about things. Reading other people's stories helps a lot! I have to get this off my chest: I have had enough of hearing about how life is so hard for the ADD or ADHD adult, how it is important to understand what they are going through/have gone through. Yeah, that's true, but haven't you heard it all a million times from well-meaning people who don't realize that you are still there because you are already doing your best to understand and cope? It is good that there is more recognition and help out there for ADD/ADHD adults but reading this and looking at resources available has been a revelation -- true validation of those individuals struggling with someone else's adult ADD/ADHD does exist.

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CrystalFL said: I'll ask my husband to do something, say, put away a load of laundry, as we're cleaning up the house. He says 'ok'. Then, I'll be busy getting all the stuff done that I have in mind, and come back an hour later and notice that he hasn't even started the task. It used to (and still does sometimes) drive me nuts or make me angry. However, if I take notice of what he's been doing over the past hour, what has happened is that he went to find hangers, but got sidetracked with something on television, which reminded him of something that was in his car that he needed to get for work, which..... you know how it goes. It's kind of like the children's book, "If You Give a Moose a Muffin", except the situation doesn't resolve back to getting the first task done. It's both humorous and heartbreaking to see a person wander inefficiently from one thing to another.

A potential solution: If you really want to have a task completed, get his full, undivided attention and then ask in a direct way that has the plan built in, because ADDers often have a really hard time planning a strategy to complete a task, especially if it is even a little bit ambiguous. It might go like this-- "Would you be able to put away this load of laundry within the next half hour?" (You have the basket right in front of both of you) When he says, "Sure" you can respond "Great, I'll go get the hangers out of my closet if that would help." He'll probably thank you for taking on part of the task, or say "No, that's ok", and get the hangers himself. Odds are much higher that he'll do the job, and get it done sooner and without distractions. (If he says no to the first question, then you can always ask, "Ok, when do you think you'll be free, and I'll come back then?") Either way, he stays on task, and you don't feel like his mom.

Something to remember that helps in general, is that an ADDer is missing a key filtering element in the brain. All stimulus comes in at the same time, with the same level of intensity. So as you're asking him to put away a basket of laundry, in his brain the television and the radio are on, he's recalling a conversation about the weather, and somebody cutting him off in traffic, but also remembering the sound of the Indy 500, and seeing his kids at the circus. To make things worse, the noise level for each activity is exactly the same. Sound a little distracting? That's what it's like in their brain 24x7. Where the non-ADDer can tune out a lot of extraneous stuff, the ADDer can't. That makes just being himself a stressful experience. Chances are, he married you because there is something about you that triggers a sense of calm, or a sense of peace. Each time you interact with each other, try and capture that sense of calm in your voice, in your face, and in your touch. That helps him tune into you, rather than listen to all the noise in his own brain. It's also a great way for you to feel loved by him, because you can see that he sees and hears you in spite of all the distractions pulling at him.

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Hey everyone! I can imagine how difficult for a fellow non-adder as yourself. I know you struggle and sad to sat that you may never fully understand what your hubby goes through. I know you must be beyond yourself. I know I find myself trying to figure everything. Its soooooo hard sometimes I want to give up. I'm 22 years old and I have had ADD for my whole life. I don't know how marriaged life is because I have never married nor do I have any babies of my own. I think you should try counseling with a psychologists that specializes in ADD and couples therapist. Right now, I'm transitioning into the new chapter in my life. Graduation from college and the job searching continues. I still deakl with anxiety, anger, sexual frustration, and paranoia as a part of a regular. I'm being to accept myself as unique. I hope that you and your hubby find some common ground! :D Write back and hopefully this helps Monica

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Hi all, I'm brandy-new here. This thread prompted me to register, but whether or not I'll frequent the forum still remains to be seen. I've learned that I have to be careful not to socially overextend myself, in both the real and virtual worlds.

What I want to say most of all is that while ADD/ADHD does present legitimate relationship challenges, it isn't fair to anyone (especially the non-ADD spouse) to blame ALL of one's problems and shortcomings on ADHD. ADHD does indeed affect every area of a person's life, and is the root cause of a score of secondary problems (which often grow into primary problems, like anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor communication skills...just to name a few). However, it DOESN'T absolve a person of having to take responsibility for his or her actions. This is especially true in a marriage relationship. Both partners are accountable for their actions, and both should be expected to contribute to the health of the relationship. When one partner isn't willing to work toward an improved relationship after the other has expressed that they are unhappy and struggling, I think it's time to re-evaluate the marriage and discuss whether it's worth preserving. Let's not venerate an institution for the sake of.....(fill in the blank with whatever you want).....when it's harming the people (or even one person) involved. Living in chronic, pervasive stress will eventually harm one's health (mentally and/or physically), and the partner suffering from this deserves the same validation as the person with ADD. Having ADHD does NOT give one license to be rude, insensitive, cruel, or disrespectful; nor does it eliminate personal responsibility. A lot of the problems/frustrations I read in this thread are issues that often affect non-ADD marriages as well, the difference being that there's no ADD to blame it on. Please don't let your partners use their ADHD as a cop-out for personal responsibility. I'm not saying there aren't challenges....I'm not saying it's easy...but I am saying that everyone needs to take responsibility for their lives and actions, and if you're with someone who isn't willing to do that, the real problem may NOT be the ADD, and you might want to take a look at that. Best of luck to all.

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Thank you WatchMeFly! I have discovered that some of the problems are due to me not setting my boundaries. If my ADD husband doesn't want to do anything but blame me and get me "fixed" then that is his problem. I am now in therapy for myself. I am getting stronger and am starting to go off depression meds.

I found out my husband also has Aspergers syndrome. Now he has another thing to deny :) It explains so much about the confusion, anger, paranoia, extremely poor communication skills, not being able to hear me, read body language, social cues, etc. It all has to do with the lack of executive functioning skills. Most with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism also have ADD/ADHD.

This relationship is unhealthy for me and my kids. I am no longer interested in marriage counseling as his impairments make it difficult for him to see any other perspective than his own. If he doesn't open his eyes and see that he is destroying our family then I will have to leave. He may be incapable of "seeing." But should I suffer because he has a disability and is unwilling to talk about it or seek help for himself?

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GoingKrazy said: Thank you WatchMeFly! I have discovered that some of the problems are due to me not setting my boundaries. If my ADD husband doesn't want to do anything but blame me and get me "fixed" then that is his problem. I am now in therapy for myself. I am getting stronger and am starting to go off depression meds.

I found out my husband also has Aspergers syndrome. Now he has another thing to deny :) It explains so much about the confusion, anger, paranoia, extremely poor communication skills, not being able to hear me, read body language, social cues, etc. It all has to do with the lack of executive functioning skills. Most with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism also have ADD/ADHD.

This relationship is unhealthy for me and my kids. I am no longer interested in marriage counseling as his impairments make it difficult for him to see any other perspective than his own. If he doesn't open his eyes and see that he is destroying our family then I will have to leave. He may be incapable of "seeing." But should I suffer because he has a disability and is unwilling to talk about it or seek help for himself?

Hi GoingKrazy,

I just wanted to ask you where you got the Asperger Syndrome (AS) info from? The stats you quoted are way off. It's not 1 in 6 boys, it's more like 1 in 350 (with most being boys). Also whilst AS and HFA are similar, they are actually different disorders, AS normally presents with high IQ.

Many different disorders can present with ADD-like symptoms, and are usually diagnosed based on behavioural criteria, however the behaviour can be caused by different underlying conditions.

ADD results from impaired neurotransmitter function, primarily norepinephrine transmission.

AS (and other ASDs) result from an impairment in mirror function (mirror neurons). This is the ability that most people have to mirror other people’s emotions (eg. Someone smiles at you and you automatically smile back, or you’re watching ‘funniest home videos’ and an adult stands too close to the kid with the pinata and you automatically cringe when they get hit). If the mirroring function doesn’t work, then the ability to empathize, read social cues and body language is seriously compromised. People with ASDs can still learn to observe and intellectualize the cues, but it isn’t instinctive.

I would be wary of any diagnosis given based upon behavioral criteria alone, and would want it backed by neurological testing. Especially if the diagnosis was given by the same person who has given you the previous misinformation. And BTW, if my spouse had convinced themselves that I had an ASD when I didn’t, I would be very angry and uncooperative also. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he is not able to see your perspective just because he disagrees with it.

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