I have ADHD and I married a man who was diagnosed with ADD this past year. He has two children ( girls ages 6 and 9 ) who also have ADD and ADHD. I have only been married for a year and I am almost ready to call it quits! I have ADHD so I am not guessing how they are feeling or how ADD is a challenge at times. I am tired of raising three children myself. I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions and learn strategies that help me deal with some of my issues( forgetfulness,organization etc.). I have offered my husband advice, offered him books to read etc. but...he goes back to his same old patterns. The 9 year old daughter acts just like him! I love them all but am wondering if it is worth it. I don't want to resent them. We all go to a psychologist and psychiatrist for assistance in dealing with the dynamics of our family but is it enough? I have begun taking depression medication again to deal with these over whelming issues and my own dog now has to take depression medication! I have the same question I saw on another blog. Where does responsibility begin and ADD end? How do I know if medication needs to be changed or responisbility needs to be learned with the children? I have asked the children's psychiatrist the same question and she does not have an answer. I am looking for a better doctor to assist us more. However, is medication or another doctor what we need OR is it responisbility for one's self and showing intiative what is needed? I feel like I have read every article and book I can get my hands on but not too much has changed. Sincerely, frustrated!

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Dear Prozac,

I certainly am no expert on this but IMHO I would say it is much easier to teach the children to be responsible. The earlier they learn coping mechanisms the easier it will be for them when they get older. It may be difficult for yout to train them now but it will pay off later.

I now suspect my ds(11) is ADD also. Same patterns as my dh. We are both teaching him ways to compensate. It still is very frustrating. My dh does some time management and other things which he doesn't talk with me about, to cope with his ADD. He just doesn't want to talk about ADD at all.

Initiative on the part of the spouse is VERY important, in my book. It shows that at least he cares enough to try. I wouldn't expect kids to take the initiative but perhaps if there was a reward they would have more motivation. For example, my kids earn video game time by getting chores done and extra for good behavior.

It is interesting to me that you married into this family. Did you know they had ADHD before you married? I would think that you would have a greater understanding and more compassion since you are ADD yourself. Remember I am an "outsider." I just don't get that ADD brain. I want to run from it!

"We all go to a psychologist and psychiatrist for assistance in dealing with the dynamics of our family but is it enough?" I love your question! Good for you all for trying! I think it certainly helps. But @#! that ADD/ADHD it is not going to go away no matter what you do!

GK

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Dear Prozac,

Congratulations on having found coping strategies the work to make your life more manageable. That's a major accomplishment. But don't let your success turn to resentment for someone else who hasn't had (and might never have) that epiphany moment that made you want a change. Generally, it's the person who does not have ADD/ADHD who goes through those feelings, so this shows a real level of awareness on your part. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, every ADD/ADHD person grows at precisely the rate that they are ready/able.

Make sure that you have only those things in your life that really matter, in terms of people, actual stuff, and activities. It goes against the grain of non-ADD society not to have a life crammed full, but it makes great ADD sense not to overwhelm yourself or each other. Then, relax. You've created an environment for the ADDer to have success. As a byproduct, you will also have created a framework that will allow for the epiphany to happen. Doesn't guarantee that it will, but at least the atmosphere for positive change is there.

Where does responsibility begin and ADD end? The answer is pretty simple, actually--when there is no alternative. ADDers cope just fine when there is no other option. I mean when there is TRULY no other option. Most of us get really stressed when we're at the brink of 'crash and burn,' and want to keep that from happening whenever possible. Fortunately, there are few situations in life that are truly crash and burn moments, it just seems that way. Bills should be paid, but life doesn't end when they're not. Yes, your credit rating goes in the tank and it's a nuisance not to have electricity, but life doesn't end. Some ADDer's seem to know when it's not REALLY a crash and burn moment, so they procrastinate, avoid, ignore, or otherwise not deal with a situation. But when a TRUE crisis happens, they are able to react responsibly and effectively.

Case in point: my ADHD (high school aged) son rarely gets his homework turned in on time, and has horrible grades. But, when we had brush fires in the Everglades that forced him to organize an evacuation of the house and our pets, he was a portrait of efficiency. (My husband and I tried to get home from our offices, but were not allowed into the area because of road blocks). He marshalled his younger brother, caged the 2 dogs and 2 cats (who were freaking because they sensed danger) locked up the house, and calmly left the area with a neighbor. The whole time I'm calling him on his cell phone to offer advice, but he told me, "Mom, I've got things under control, you can just relax." And he was right.

Streamline your lives, and only give your stress energy to those things that really matter.

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Hey GoingKrazy how are you!? May I recommend the book, "Change your heart, change your life" I'm reading it right now and it's really great.

And your right the only one we can change is ourselves. You'll probably find as you being changing yourself for the better you'll began to have a positive influence on your husband, and I wouldn't be surprised if he would one day begin to change to. :) There is always hope.

Still praying for you GoingKrazy. Phileo, Brandon

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Hi Everyone:

My husband (for ten years) has ADD and is in denial. I have 2 children, one of them has ADD too. As you all know, clearing up the clutter in the house, is like shoveling in the snow.

Here is one suggestion that I have found helpful in my house. I purchased a "time machine". The time machine controls the TV and DVD player. In order to get half an hour of screen time, my kids need to earn a coin to put in the machine.

They don't get any coins until they clear up the clutter in the living room, kitchen and bathroom. (a practical way of implementing what "goingcrazy" suggested: chores vs videotime)

This takes care of the kids at least. If dad doesn't do it, I have no control over it. If he does it for them because he thinks I should be doing it form them, that doesn't help either but overall, this little device has been extremely helpful.

I purchased it at amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Time-Machine-Childrens-Management-System/dp/B000W4H6FQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1244223512&sr=8-2

I also got the book, Is it You, Me or ADD? -- very helpful!!!

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I have been dating a man for 3 years (we are not kids - both in early 50s) who just now admitted to me that he has ADD. For all this time I thought I was just with someone terribly inconsiderate - the ignored birthdays (you are too old for that!), last minute Christmas gifts, etc. The worst experience was when he told he would me would drive me to the hospital for a biopsy, showed up after I took 2 vicadin - and said he didn't feel like driving. So I drove high as a kite. He is very nice in public - but very sarcastic and demeaning when we are alone. Unable to have serious conversations, ridicules my beliefs and blames me for always getting mad at him. Cannot grow up - Mom comes first in everything. No confidences - tells Mom everything. Finally opened up about the ADD - very casually and laughing about it. For the past several years I have felt like I have been losing my mind. He is unwilling to get help and brushes it off. I have finally had enough. I feel sorry for him, but need to stay away. Hard to talk with friends about this - and they all like him. Just need to get some of this out. I am a successful businesswoman and am blaming myself for not catching this earlier. I guess until recently I was not even sure of what ADD was.

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Hi Wornout, I totally get where you are at. You have to do what is best for you. Be glad you don't have any children with him and you can walk away.

There may even be another thing going on with him and all of us non-ADDers. I just found out my dh has Aspergers syndrome. It is also know as High Functioning Autism (HFA). From what I have been reading, ADD is actually one of the character traits on the Autistic Spectrum! This syndrome is SO puzzling! It has a lot to do with executive functioning, social skills, emotional regulation, impulsiveness, and much more. It is permanent and there is no medication for it. You can just Google it to find out more. Everything makes SO much sense to me now! Our new marriage counselor saw it right away and said Aspergers is extremely under diagnosed. One out of 6 boys/men have it. 80% of Aspie marriages fail! I began to see it in my ds so I had him tested and just got a formal dx so I know for sure my dh has it. Of course my dh is in denial about that too. I am getting services for my son so he won't have as difficult a life as my dh has. My dh is fighting me over it though. He doesn't want our son to have a label. I don't care! I just want to get him the help he needs!

I am still wondering if it is worth it to stay in this relationship. I am so tired of being blamed for what is really his Aspie perspective on the world. I am concerned that if I leave the battles over my son's care will be even harder because we will have to go through attorneys. I just can't live this way anymore. Life is too short. I am 53 and a breast cancer survivor. Marriage shouldn't have to be this hard.

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Oh, thank you all! I, too, have often felt like I am drowning and have given up so much of myself in order to deal with a man who cannot or will not change that I have questioned my sanity, have gone through depression, you name it. Trying to raise a son who is like a junior version of his Dad's ADD to be a caring and responsible person who will cope. Like his Dad, he is smart, sweet and charming when he wants to be, funny, talented in a million ways, and so full of life! I try daily for the strength and humor to make these attributes, not the ADD, the deciding factors in his life and relationships. I got on this site because my husband was driving me crazy trying to do and say and worry about 9,000 things at the same time and ultimately doing a half-ass job at all but worrying about things. Reading other people's stories helps a lot! I have to get this off my chest: I have had enough of hearing about how life is so hard for the ADD or ADHD adult, how it is important to understand what they are going through/have gone through. Yeah, that's true, but haven't you heard it all a million times from well-meaning people who don't realize that you are still there because you are already doing your best to understand and cope? It is good that there is more recognition and help out there for ADD/ADHD adults but reading this and looking at resources available has been a revelation -- true validation of those individuals struggling with someone else's adult ADD/ADHD does exist.

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