I appreciate your comment Brightside. I made a mistake in listing my information. I went from my head and not my notes. . . too emotional at the time ;) I got my information from a I recent Autism conference. The latest research says that 1 in 90 people have ASD. There are 4 males for every 1 female with ASD. Many people with ASD also have ADD/ADHD.

I was definitely trying to fix my dh before I found out he had disabilities. Now that I know it's something that is just a part of him I have more compassion. But it is SO exhausting! I need him to take responsibility for his part in the relationship too. I just need him to be willing to talk with me about it. I am SO willing to work on myself, be it through psychotherapy, psychiatry, medications, whatever it takes to help save the marriage. He is not willing to even talk about it. GK

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Hi GK, firstly I want to say, no matter how strange this may sound, I am so happy to find, I am not the only one who experiences and feels the same way you do. My husband also has ADD and was only diagnosed recently, my three step children have ADD with learning disabilities, as well as my own son having ADD. I too have been on antidepressants for awhile. Life with ADD people is extremely hard and I can so relate to the hate of the ADD. There have been countless times where I have wanted to scream at the top of my voice how much I hate ADD. Unfortunately the reality is that it will never go away, no matter how much reseach you do or how much advice you get, it will always be a battle, help around the home from your husband will never happen unless you specifically state what you want over and over again, it will always feel like you have an extra child. However having said this, I have found the best way to cope is two things, 1. Have good friends to vent to and 2. Find time for yourself on a regular basis. Some sort of Craft class once a week or even just a girls day/night or if you can a weekend away. These distractions are so important for the non-ADD spouse, without them I think I would have run away a long time ago. Hang in there. Anytime you want to vent, send an email / blog, know that you are not alone, even though it feels like it.

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Just a quick note to thank all of you for this information. It's nice to know I'm not alone out here. Keep those tips and suggestions coming.

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I was diagnosed with ADD at age 30 after my 7 year old son was diagnosed. His improved with age, obviously mine hasn't. I just wanted to put a word in about medications. I take mine faithfully but it is not the end all be all. It is only a tool. I've been in therapy for quite a while too. I think no matter what route you go the person that has ADD and the people in their life will always struggle. Our brains work quite differently. I try to read up on everything I can. I have organizing books and ADD books up the gazoo but I think they're just dust collectors. I always hope someday I'll be better but know that only I can make the difference. The only reason I signed up for the board today which consequently is the first and only board I've ever logged onto, is to tell people that medication definitely helps but it won't solve all of your problems. Please don't think just by that person taking medication everything will okay. Different types of medications have very different effects. Take ritalin for instance. It first helped me concentrate and focus like I never knew I had the capability of. I thought gee, I can listen to the radio and do paperwork or think at the same time. That same medication and different forms of it make me very depressed as well. At the end of the day I was prone to outbreaks of crying for some unknown reason. Adderall type medications on the other hand make you feel like you can take on the world and so you go out and take on the world but then you realize that you can't do it all. Not to mention the fact that usually ADDers usually do have co-morbid conditions. They have mood disorders, depression, anxiety, the list goes on and on. So you start taking one medication to help with your ADD then you realize you're having anxiety attacks so you take something for that. Next thing you know you're on 6 different medications. I'm not kidding either. It's a long road to for some people to find the right combination of medications. So in closing please don't think in any way shape or form that medication will solve a lot of these problems. It's only a tool for the management of ADD. It is up to the ADDer to seek treatment on all levels. It will always be a challenge no matter what.

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This has been a really great thread, with a lot of wonderful suggestions. I want to copy it all and paste it to my office wall! I'm the non-ADHD partner and my husband has been diagnosed for around 7 years, treated only with Adderall. The medication helps tremendously, but I think there are some side effects he's never/never will attribute to the drug since that may mean having to try something else (such as, I think it makes him more aware and sensitive to things like noises and other things that piss him off; instead of just having a flood of information 24/7 and noticing everything, now he does all that with the ability to analyze and focus on each and everything that comes into his head, making him even more prone to frustration, etc.).

I can relate a lot to much of what has been said here, and several months ago I thought I had made the decision to leave. Some days, I still feel that way and maybe some day it might be the right time, but I'm not quite done trying to make it work. I can't even remember what he said that made me change my mind all those months ago, but I think it was something about how he isn't even aware of some of the things he says to me that are hurtful. Just the fact that he truly had no idea that he had said something pretty threatening and horrible in a moment of pure frustration was really telling to me, and for maybe the first time, I believed him when he said he suffers more than me.

But that is where we always butt heads -- the understanding. I'll never understand what he goes through because I don't have ADHD. But do I really have to fully understand it to be able to provide insight or give my opinion on something or ask for a little respect when he talks to me? The anger issue still persists and I don't know how to help him. He can go off in a verbal rage several times a day, and it usually somehow involves calling me a host of terrible names even if I had nothing to do with (often times because I didn't have anything to do with it, as if I'm supposed to be able to solve every problem!). He believes that I shouldn't "take it personally" or get upset when he calls me names and puts me down because he doesn't actually believe or mean what he says. I've tried explaining to him that it doesn't matter if he doesn't mean it, it still hurts, especially because it is on a daily basis. Just because it is his "disorder" that he can't control (somehow he manages to control it at work!), somehow I'm supposed to turn into a heartless automaton and not feel a thing. I've tried explaining it like this: if we were horsing around and he did something that caused me to fall and break my arm -- a complete accident -- would knowing that he didn't mean to do it somehow make my arm not hurt? This didn't seem to explain it to him. How do I explain to him that hearing on a daily basis that I'm an ignorant f* a*hole is hurtful whether he means it or not?

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I want to tell you that anger from your adhd spouse is NOT acceptable behavior... plenty of us have it, and I dont ever feel the need to berate or belittle my SO, dates or completely ingorant ex wife.

Adhd is frustrating, absolutlely, but if hes that wound up, thats probably another personality or behavioral disorder..My dad was an angry man, and no ADD. I have ADD, and I am stressed often, but thats not an excuse for verbal berations... I am actually more of the comedian.

My ex wife does not understand me, and her patience is gone it was too much for my marriage. She uses every oppurtunity to stick the knife in and twist it. Thankfully that is one stimilus that i have stopped responding too..

best advice is to understand that there is no excuse for bad manners. At the same time, understand that Adhd folk struggle with consistancy so please dont take our inconsistancy and its repercussions as disrespect. People value time.. we are are not punctual people.

good luck.

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I am 58 and have had ADD problems all my life. In 1983 I opened a flower shop and 4 years later my husband came to work with me, We worked together until 2009. A bit of advice that may help is to always remember when you want to scream your head off, stop and say in a low voice, "I don't want to argue about this but what do you think about ........?' This takes the defensive "fire" out of a confrontation. My husband has learned a lot patience with my ADD and even after 37 years of marriage we don't like being away from each other. There are times you just have to understand that they don't inderstand.

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Wow people. I am a fairly young guy that recently was left by a woman. A woman that might have been calming, as one of the members of this forum stated so kindly, that prompted me to continue reading and try to research responsibility for my actions, my impact. Get some perspective.

Diagnosed with ADHD in grad school not finished and after accomplishing the norm; high school, college, work.

What I am looking for might not be simple. Can someone tell me more about one of the good days? What was worth the work? How do I bring it up in the beginning, without” it” being a deterrent?

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GoingKrazy said: That post was amazing! How you explained it is SO right. It is exactly what happens! I can't tell you how comforting it is to talk with someone that gets it.

It is so hard to think outside your own brain and for ADDers, probably impossible. Thanks for putting it all into perspective for me.

It still is a lot of work but at least there would be a chance of getting the tasks done! I still feel like he is another child and I have to spell each step out for him as I do my kids. Actually they are a lot easier! Instead of just saying "please get me a glass of milk," I have to say "Please get the milk out of the fridge, close the fridge, get a glass and pour the milk in it, then return the milk to the fridge, in the same place you found it, close the fridge, and then bring the glass of milk to me. All this has to be said slowly because it's too many steps for him to remember.

Most of the time I end up just doing things myself. It's so much easier. He really resents that. He wants to help but it's worse when he says he'll do something, I count on him to do it, and then it just doesn't happen. He is great at making excuses why he wasn't able to follow through. I guess that's his coping mechanism. I bought all his excuses when we were dating, but I am on to him now and it's not acceptable. I want him to tell the truth. To just say "I forgot, it's the ADD, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do now?" Then I would feel more compassionate and understanding. I'd rather he'd just say "I'll try to do it." Then I would know I might have to do it and I can leave time for that. I've mentioned that scenario to him but of course he forgets.

Again the work is on the non-ADD spouse. It just irks me. I hate ADD!

I will try what you suggested and I am hoping it will be less stressful for all of us. The one who is annoyed and angered the most is me so I guess I have to do the work.

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