Afternoon all!

Here I sit, been getting all caught up in this web since a doctor said to me that my chronic insomnia could stem from ADD.....and the story goes...

I have been suffering from insomnia my whole life. I have memories of when I was five listening to Disney Read-a-Long records in my room (on one of those ole plastic kiddie record players) in the wee hours of the morning. Only to be chastised by my sleepy eyed parents, shushing me back to bed. Fast forward to the present and I have been to dozens of doctors who have prescribed everything from Benzodiazepines to Tricyclics to treat 'my' depression, anxiety and/or stress, as I was informed that was the issue....that and 'all women have troubles sleeping', I guess that is printed in one of them medical journals as a woman kind of ailment...insomnia that is.

So, off I go to another sleep clinic, I had to insist of course...purdy much threatened to throw the Doc to the Sleep Gods as a sacrifice if he did not refer me. There I heard a word I have never heard before. 'Bizarre', as in 'your results are bizzare.'

GASP?!?! Say it isn't so?!?!

Imagine the look on my face as I watched this new Doctor frown over my sleep results. Once again fast forward to the (almost) now with another sleep clinic test -this one a Daytime Sleep Latency Test- under my belt, and many...many more visits with the new and very attentive Doc. He suggests that I might have ADD. He questions me about my life as a child, my current ways of life and how my brain felt....Ya, odd eh? But sit back and think about it, we can pin point acts of guilt, regret, extreme highs and lows that we seemed not to have control over, that darn hindsight thingy eh? 20/20 never looked so vivid! Now, he did not diagnose me, but he did put the bug in my brain...like it needed anything else squirming in there. So I start to research, visit a counsellor and Naturopathic Doctor to see if there could be something else, some surpressed memory or allergy...hey I have to keep my options open. I am a firm believer that we are all in control of our actions. I do not believe in the 'Twinky Defence', my heart strings are not pulled for people who feel compelled to rob a bank/store to feed an addiction. If you hate something in your life change it or quit your whining....I see few shades of grey. Oh lookie here, a symptom of ADD, funny isn't it? I mean ADD has so many symptoms that just about anyone could deem themself impared and then use that as a defence, could they? Couldn't I?

So, new fandangled Doc puts me on Alertec. While it is used for narcolepsy it has an off shelf use for many other things, among them ADD. I was not given it so much for the ADD but as a stimulant to keep me up during the day, heck tis good enough for fighter pilots should do me the trick. Doc thought that if trying to get me to sleep during the night was not working he would stimulate the old noggin' during the day in hopes of forcing it to sleep/shut off in the evening. My insomnia comes in ebs and flows and was like a earthquake about to create a massive tidal wave in the middle of an ocean. I have taken just about everything legal and...ahem not, to try to sleep, why not this?

Well folks, while my sleep did not get better my daily activities did. It was like my mouth was given a pause button and my brain was in charge. The 30 year old film that was over my eyes seemed to be peeled back and I viewed the world in a whole new way. Sure a few of my physical ailments were somewhat noticable, the burning eyes, the tense muscles but we have to remember I was still not sleeping. I figured if this is what awake felt like, gimme more of it, and now darnnit!

Hence, here we are today in the very present. Alertec burns through the system very quickly and the good ole Doc, whom I have been seeing for years now, changes the drug of choice to Concerta. I took it for a bit and felt ok, started me looking into the ADD thing with more of an open mind....researching more, assessing the life of me and my family. I was (am) not totally convinced I suffer from ADD. I mean, just about everyone can turn into a raving hypochondriac when symptoms are placed infront of them. This we know from the ever pressing drug ads...heck, I have suffered from strokes, heart attacks and acid reflux if I just close my eyes and listen to the symptoms. I have even wondered about ED and I am a gal!!!! Ahh, the power of advertising.

So, where does this leave me?

Puzzled really. ADD seems to have stemed from actual brain issues, like what ya get if you eat lead paint. Now-a-days just about anyone is ready to label some poor kid as ADD or ADHD and drug the wee youngster. I am afraid that this once rare thing has turned into a self defence mechanism that everyone wants to use as an excuse for poor behaviour, did I mention my lack of seeing shades of grey? Parenting has gone by the wayside in this 'Me' generation giving into lazy, narcissistic tots who forget the meaning not only of respect but manners. Doubt me? Look up 'Helicopter' or 'Curling' Parents, have a good ole laugh. Working hard seems to be something of the past. Earning one's keep or climbing up the ladder has been passed by for instant gratification and 'No Child Left Behind'. People are losing sight of what it is like to be responsible for their own actions blaming every ailment fresh out of a Drug Company....oh yes, yes there is a conspiracy sigh, but I digress.

How do I make myself see that my issues are symptoms? How do I lay blame for a messy house, financial upheaval and personal woes on three little letters? Maybe I was not given the proper life skills. Maybe I lack the drive to cure my constant procrastination. Could it be possible that I am just lazy? That my insomnia stems from something other than ADD and this drug will just do what it says it is.....stimulate me to keep me awake, fooling my tired body into thinking it is not as tired as it really is?

Maybe I should just shut up, take the drug and call it a day.

Thanks for listening, I will probably be back for more ramblings as they come to me..... Seragilo

Quote