The weather here has been gloomy , first of the morning it was pouring freezing rain , then it switched to hailing , then it switched to sleet , the finally tapered off & it's been pouring the snow ever since . In other words the weather has been acting the exact way I feel . It's not quite sure what it's mood is but all it knows is that it has to put it's emotions some where . The last couple of nights I have spent cuddled up to Jeremy , but some how I can't seem to get close enough to him . Yesterday morning I woke up mentally & emotionally exhausted , after go through court on Friday - seeing my ex - remembering everything he put me through , having all those flash backs - just made me love Jeremy that much more.

I'll be honest its not right that DSS & the court system won't allow me to have any kind of an attempt to have a relationship with my son , all because of my ADD , so there for in their eyes I am considered to mentally unstable & don't deserve to have a relationship with my son , so there for I deserve to be completely cut out of my son's life. God it's so unfair that DSS nor the State of NC will allow me to take the proper assessements to where I can prove myself mentally & emotionally stable to have some sort of relationship with William . The other thing that bother's me is the fact that none of my family members even bothered to tell DSS how much I have struggled with my ADD through out my life & how hard I have worked to fit into this non ADD world . None of my family members even bothered to tell DSS how manipulative William's father was, how much money he conned out of my mom , even before I got pregnant . I don't think it's right that DSS & the court system based their decision to move forward with their recommendation of Willilam being put up for adoption , based one party's statements . None of these people know who I truly am , they don't interact with me on a 247 daily basis - so how can they sit there & say that I don't deserve to even attempt to reconnect with my son & have a relationship with him - no matter how small that interaction is right now . I feel as tho I have been hand cuffed & put in front of the town square and crucified for being the best mother that I know how to be .

I'm not going to sit here & tell you that I am not happy that William is doing good mentally & emotionally - I am very happy that he is growing & thriving , I"m happy that William is excelling in school , I'm happy that he was finally baptized , I'm happy that I have finally got some information on the foster family he is with , I am relieved to know specifically where he is at as far as his location of what county he is in . Now I'm not quite sure what all about me this foster family has been told , as far as my family back ground is conerned - I would hate to know what all this foster family has been told about William's father's family background - I'm a little worried on what this foster family has been told about my mental health back ground . I don't know what impression DSS gave this foster family - I pray that this foster family doesn't think that I am ADD , un married, mentally unstable girl who just fell for wrong guy , got her self pregnant & then when the pressures of being a mother got to be too much for her, she pawned her son off onto her best friend , who then took advantage of her & abused her son - yet the mother continues to remain in a relationship with a man who DSS considers to be violent & dangerious .

Now I have yet to meet this foster family , but I hope & pray that once I meet this foster family at the family / team meeting on the 11th of this month that I can clear up any misunderstandings . I hope & pray that I can possibly talk to this foster family about sending me updates on William as well as pictures of him as he grows . Maybe perhaps this foster family will talk to William and see if maybe if he is Willing to try to be re introuduced to me and us be able to reconnect . I'm not meaning to sound like a hard ass but I'm not going to feel better about any of this until I have met this foster family & get to know them , get to know who they are as a family . Right now I'm it wouldn't matter if this family was hollyer than tho , I'm not going to feel that anyone out there is good enough to raise my son but me .

Jeremy made a statement the other day , saying that I should be happy that I can still have more kids - yeah I'm aware that I should be happy , but truth of the matter is , it wouldn't matter how many childran that Jeremy & I might have, none of those childran could never , ever resplace William . Right I'm questioning myself on weather or not I could even love another child , the way I love William - I know that when the time comes & Jeremy and I have a child or our own that I once I hold that little that I'll fall inlove with that child the exzact same way I fell inlove with William when I held him for the first time .

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