Well I had my court review today , a review to see the progress of my son . Willliam is doing good , William is excelling in school , he's staying with a wonderful foster family who is apparently very heavly involved with their church . This foster family are very close knit & very heavly ingrained in their faith and values , of course they have instilled those faith and values into William . William was recently babtised this past sunday . Of course when I read this tears rolled down my face . My ex showed up stating that he will doing anything the court asks him to do , just so he can have some sort of contact with William , and of course the judge denied him any contact with William . My lawyer pretty much told me that it doesn't matter how many assesments I take, that we are way past that now and that DSS 's recommendation is adoption . William has stated that he either wants to be adopted by Carolyn ( whom refers to as Memaw ) or he wants to be adopted by Gerald ( Carolyn's son ) and his wife along with the rest of the family . It's very apparent that this foster family have taken the messures to adopt William and get their foster licnses . Now Im not going to sit here and lie and say that I am not disappointed in how DSS treated me , I am not going to sit here and lie and say that I didn't get my fair chance to prove that I am mentally stable to have a relationship with my son , because I am , I am very dissappointed and it's hurts like hell . All I have ever wanted is for my son to have the best life - I hate the fact that some one else is going to be rasing him , watching him grow up , I hate the fact that I am not going to be able to see William graduate high school , go off to collage, fall inlove & get married and have kids of his own one of these days . How ever I am also very aware that this whole mess needs to come to an end , the last thing I want is to put William through any more hell then he's already been through . As of right now there has been a family / team meeting set for the 11th of march in Jackson county , how ever I asked this meeting to be moved to where I am , so I can meet this foster family and get a feel who these people are , it will be then that I will make my decision weather or not I will go along with the adoption . I just have to know in my heart that these people are who they claim they are , I have to know for sure in my heart that this is where William wants to be and as long as he's happy , then I have no choice but to set him free .

After court was over , as Jeremy and I were driving over to my moms , Jeremy made a statement that he knows for sure now that I am going to want to have kids with him , I told him that it would matter how many kids I have with him , that no child that we have is ever going to resplace William . I also stated to Jeremy that it has taken alot of courage for me say ok it's time to start over and start fresh . I told Jeremy that he should take it as a compliament that I want to have childran with him , considering everything that I have been through , its taken along time for me to trust some one again such as him self to even want to try again & have that family that I have always wanted .

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