If he really wants to start being responsible, he can prove it by asking his parents to tell him no. And back them up by not bailing him out when they do. If you really need to borrow money, then you must do it together. Something that is helping us with our finances (we both have ADHD and our 4 kids too), is we are dividing our money into 3 categories: 1/3 Long term savings for big ticket items and emergency funds. 1/3 Spending on whatever we want. And 1/3 Bills. After putting money into the joint account, if he divided the rest up into 1/3's maybe it would last longer. He could label the Bills category with the things that he does on a regular basis. The savings for those last minute surprises (oops, & I don't need to call mom, category). And the other 1/3 for the incedentals. We opened 2 different savings accounts for our kids last week. One for Savings. One for Spending. And when they get their allowance the bills they pay are tithe and they pay us for the pets since we pony up the money for taking care of them. I hope this helps. We have been married almost 13 years and it has taken us almost 2 years to get our finances to work with this pie chart. We finally got it right last month!!!! Praise God!!!

Remember, you can't "fix" him, but you can make life a bit uncomfortable to get positive changes, just like with rearing kids. He isn't your kid, but if he doesn't feel the pain/pressure and make more mature choices, it will feel like you married your kid. It will ruin your marriage. If you feel like the parent: He won't feel respected because he feels judged. Sex won't be something you want, you aren't supposed to want to have sex with your kid so it's a turn-off if your husband feels like your kid. It will destroy the fabric of your life together. Maybe there are things that you both do that if he needs money you can take it out of those funds, like movies, dinner out. And the other things like cable tv, internet, cell phone plan changes to make up for the screw ups, things you both will feel that you can remind him about when you are irritated he screwed up. It could make a difference when he makes choices. He must feel his choices or he will keep repeating them. You don't have to complain or give him the silent treatment, but you know if you stay home and watch a movie from RedBox because he blew the going out money, you can gently remind him when he complains, that he blew it for you too.

We are 36 & 41. It could take some time for sure, but if he is being honorable, honest and trying, it will help you keep your respect for him and it will keep you as equals. If he isn't willing to work on it, this actually really could be a deal breaker. Remember, "Don't marry someone you think you can live with, marry someone you think you can't live without" -Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family Good luck and God bless!

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hi, this is really helpful. unfortunately it's a really loaded topic for him. his mom has helped him ALOT over the years. i get the sense that often it was against his fathers' will. since he knows that, i think he feels very sensitive about it. i make a lot more money than he does, so this is also an issue in some ways. we've tried to structure bills so that he is paying house related things based on income to make it more equal. after all, he works just as hard as i do. he's just paid less. i still have more spending money left over at the end of the month than he does (but often i choose to work on paying my personal debt down).

the good news is that we've both been willing to go to counseling. he is working really hard on getting his life in focus. i don't think he's every had anyone treat him like and adult and believe in him. i think this makes all the difference. but i'm having to learn how to not getting down on him at times because i have my own issues with worrying that the man in my life won't be responsible. my father had a mental illness that really did make him like a child (clinical depression). i have been really hard on my fiance in the past, mostly based on fear. we're in recovery mode from those experiences (they started when we started living together). I think I'm going to wait a little while to bring this up. or if i do, i'll bring it up in counseling. i'm having to work on helping him to feel like i'm approaching him as a partner and not as a parent figure unfortunately he hears me that way sometimes simply because i went there in the past.

i do have another questions for you. you said both of you have adhd, plus your four kids. do any of you take medication? my fiance is wanting to start. he hasn't had it since he was a young teen. at the time he was abusing it and starting to get into the wrong crowd partying, so it didn't work out so well for him. he probably needed it sooner. anyway, i am nervous about him taking medication. especially stimulants because he had a history of using drugs recreationally. i know he will talk to the psychiatric nurse he is going to see about this. but i read that book 3 steps to conquering add/adhd and they mentioned supplements. i am a huge advocate for diet and nutrition, but he has told me he has a hard time focusing enough to make good eating decisions and he thinks medication might help him to start down that path.

do you have any thoughts on this? do you take medication?

i taked medication for depression, so i feel a bit like a hypocrite for being so concerned about him. but i've read a lot of negative things about adhd drugs and heart conditions/etc. he's a functional and happy person. he is amazingly talented and wonderful. he doesn't have a mental illness like I do. His brain just works differently than most people. Believing that, it's hard for me to be convinced about the drugs, short of going to the doctor with him.... i'm not sure how to handle this. I want him to go to the doctor on his own because up until recently dealing with adhd meant just dealing with his mom giving him books, articles, advice, etc. etc. etc. and nothing is going to help him until he deals with it on his terms..

thank you!!!!!

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Medications aren't usually the kind you abuse. Things like Ritalin /Adderall etc are stimulants ; but they don't have a real value out in the real world. The abuse stimulants that are abused are cocaine/crack. methamphetamines which is also known as biker speed. The other used are Welbutrin which anti-depressant used with the Ritalin or Adderall. Many ADDer are known to engage in risky behavior which may include drugs/alcohol in order to self medicate. This is the usually reason why many of ADDers such as myself engage in illegal drug use (I do Not or ever use drugs). I take Ritalin and it doesn't actually make me "high" It does keep me calm , and more focused. Stimulants effect on the heart is quicker heart rates; and if he has afib or Ventricullar Fib they will not be prescribed. . But many thing in our enviroments such as cold mediications, soda, cigarettes have stimulants and so do herb ,green teas, things like such as ginsing, vitamins are just like taking a stimulant and they are not regulated. Not alll ADD med are stimulants things like Concerta. Vynase . Over the counter such as fish oil, melatoin to help sleep do not not have any real sideeffects but don't really make a appreciable difference .....

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thanks for your thoughts. i know for a fact that adderal (sp) taken recreationally because i've been at parties where it's taken. people take it like speed used to be taken before meth became prevailant. i am probably just totally ignorant about this, but i've seen FDA warnings about these drugs and it really worries me.

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Hi, my boyfriend has slight ADHD and we've actually overcome his finances together. It might be a little of an unfair advantage because I'm an accountant but anything helps right?

At one point I was managing everything but it became too time consuming and is better off having both parties involved. It's important to be really patient and explaining how the both of you can really get ahead if you work on it together. Put some goals into place to strive for. For us it's buying a house and taking trips, maybe for you guys it's new toys or trips also. That way when frivolous spending comes up you pull them back to the goals we're focusing on. Another thing is the "Do I need this" tactic. If you can get into the habit of asking yourselves if you need it, it cuts out a lot of spending. Finally, we put together a financial plan, we bought Microsoft Money and fully implemented it. (It took a full day to set up all the bills and figure it out but well worth the time). This way once it's set up and working properly it does the work for you. It becomes very clear as to what you've been spending your money on.

Good luck, it can definitely work. My boyfriend went from coming home with something new almost twice a week to managing everything he spends. It doesn't mean it's perfect because every once in a while there's an impulsive purchase but he quickly snaps out of it and feels guilty because he knows what the larger goals are.

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ams said: thanks for your thoughts. i know for a fact that adderal (sp) taken recreationally because i've been at parties where it's taken. people take it like speed used to be taken before meth became prevailant. i am probably just totally ignorant about this, but i've seen FDA warnings about these drugs and it really worries me.

Medication used correctly can make a very appreciable difference. Studies do show the ADHD person who isn't medicated or not doing any other things to manage their symptoms will likely use some type of substance to self medicate if they are feeling that uncomfortable. Adderall , Dexedrine, and cold medications that can be used to get high; but In the part of the world I live in. It easier to buy biker speed, crack, cocaine, heroin, percocet then selling your adderall. There are so many different medication out there to use if a stimulant makes you or him uncomfortable. I take Ritalin and I don't get high, I do calm down and focus . I have no need to go out and buy drugs, drink alcohol etc. . It is one of the things I do for my ADD/ADHD I also take a MVI and Fish OIL , exercise and eat well. It all use to keep my ADHD under control. The FDA warning will say the same things about many other medication there is a risk of addiction.; but if used correctly they aren't . You get addicted only if you take them such as in narcotics if not taken for pain. If you are in true pain the risk of addiction is non-existing. Those who abuse these drugs are taking because they anticipate pain ; but are not in true pain anymore. .

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