It really can be simply the childs age; and this should be factored in. Children tend to move away from their parents on a emotional level around the ages 8-10 and well into the teen years . It is quite normal behavior because their peers are always right. It proably seems to your ex that no matter what the child says everyone elses opinion is more important than is his. This problems in how he reacts to him frankly is your husbands problem not your childs; and trying brow beat him into submission or to give him the love he deserves is your husbands to figure out. The child should not have to figure out this this should be a given. We don't always beat to same drums ; but if your husband would take the time to find out what your child loves to do ; and try to engage him on that level would make it easier for these two to relate. Trying to make your child go with your husband stresses both of them. Your ex is feeling threatened and your son is feeling the why doesn't like me the way I am. I know you are trying to be helpful pointing out to your ex that your son doesn't particulrily like him ; but honestly this is really not helping and makes your ex feel like a failure. Being ADD doesn't give us liscense to be clueless about people andf their feelings. If you can suggest an activety to your ex ; and then shut up about it . Say he loves baseball ; and let your ex figure how to incoporate a day . Maybe going to a field and watching him play. out to lunch. Or a big game day at home for a real important game . Just let them plan it ; and have a day where they can get excited about thing together. I know you want to be helpful ; but it never going to happen if you keep butting in. I am ADD and have a daughter who loves NASCAR and watches it with her father. It was her father who made the extended hand out and she accepted. . It takes time but they will get there on their own. You need to listen ; and not advise. I know it hard especially for us because we are both ADD and believe I struggle to keep quite especially when I don't understand why someone doesn't see it or as my daughter affectionaly calls me "point out the obvious " when I do impusively say something. My husband isn't ADD/ADHD so at time I find I really fustrate him because I tend to very independent in my beliefs and actions as well. I hope i helped

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Hello, I am a Mom of a ADHD son, and a licensed therapist. Here are a couple of suggestions: Suggest through a mutual friend or family member about the resources available, such as books on tape, a great book is the one titled: Living without Brakes", recently published. He might be more willing to listen to others who love your child instead of you. Second, since this is a medical diagnosis, maybe he would be willing to go to your Pediatrician together to discuss the traits of your son, and receive a referral to a local therapist to help you co-parent him in a more healthy way. A last resort is to contact an Atty in family law who will request the court order you both to attend co-parenting classes together with a counselor who specializes in these situations. Hope this is helpful. JDJ

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Sounds like you are in a very frustrating situation in which you have very little control. Remember that you are the adult in this situation and that you can help both your son and your ex by helping yourself. Obviously you aren't going to be able to force your husband to do something he doesn't want to do. However, you can get a little extra help for yourself that will allow you to be the best mom you can be. Your son is going to pick up on even the smallest negative cues that you send out about your husband and that will not help their relationship. I came from a divorced family and was very very fortunate that my parents made it a priority never ever to say bad things about the other parent regardless of how they really felt. That said, I think a good place to start is by figuring out the best way for YOU to deal with the ex. The ADDitude website has some thought provoking articles on ADHD relationship advice that might provide a few helpful tips. Many of them are for married couples, however, because you share a son, you and your ex are going to be in a relationship for a very, very long time.

How to Fight Fair

ADHD Communication Secrets

Good luck, Dena

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This is the BEST response of all. It seems that some of the responses (although I am sure there are good intentions) are missing the point entirely. This is not about the relationship between the two divorced parents. This mother recognizes that her ex is probably not going to listen to her because of the nature of their relationship. They do not have to like each other, and her ex does not have to listen to her. However, he does have an obligation to understand his son for the sake of being a good father (this is no favor to the mother - this is HIS RESPONSIBILITY.) I didn't get the impression that the mother was bad mouthing the father to her son at all - in fact, I got the opposite impression. It seemed to me that she was trying to make the relationship between her son and his father BETTER (not worse). She is worried about her son because she understands why his behaviors are the way that they are. If you have a child with ADHD, and one of the people that he looks up to the most refuses to understand his behavior (and believe me, these behaviors can be misinterpreted in a very negative way if you don't understand ADHD), you should be worried. I have learned that the negative interactions between parent and child can cause the biggest part of an ADHD child's self esteem issues. When your child keeps misbehaving, and you can't attribute it to a neurological disorder such as ADHD, you will naturally see it as a moral issue or a character flaw, if you will. This affects the way that you interact with that child. It makes you frustrated. It makes you angry at the "deliberately misbehaving" child who doesn't seem to "learn from past mistakes" or "listen to you when you tell him to stop jumping on the furniture time and time again." It is CRITICAL that his father understand his neurobiological condition. To ignore this would be in the same category as NEGLECTING a medical condition that the child might have. I agree with this therapist. If the mother cannot reason with the father, and if she cannot get another person to get through to him (which, by the way, is and EXCELLENT idea, because the goal is to help the father understand the child - it doesn't matter how this happens or who it comes from), then she should pursue seeing a judge who will require that they both go to some sort of counseling or classes to learn about the ADHD. If both parents are required to go, the father may not feel so singled out (and I'm sure they won't have to go together necessarily.) Even if the mom is already well educated, it would be a nice gesture for her to go as well just for this reason . . .ADHD is a medical diagnosis. Why should his father not have to know something about it if the child is going to be in his care? I wouldn't let my babysitter stay with my kids without knowing something about it. . . ?

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JDJ said: Hello, I am a Mom of a ADHD son, and a licensed therapist. Here are a couple of suggestions: Suggest through a mutual friend or family member about the resources available, such as books on tape, a great book is the one titled: Living without Brakes", recently published. He might be more willing to listen to others who love your child instead of you. Second, since this is a medical diagnosis, maybe he would be willing to go to your Pediatrician together to discuss the traits of your son, and receive a referral to a local therapist to help you co-parent him in a more healthy way. A last resort is to contact an Atty in family law who will request the court order you both to attend co-parenting classes together with a counselor who specializes in these situations. Hope this is helpful. JDJ

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Thank you SO much Vicreed. I nearly cried when I read the horrible post by ADD RN. She made a lot of unfair assumptions, and I felt totally raked over the coals and misunderstood. You hit the nail on the head with your response. My main concern is for my child. I would never bad mouth my ex in front of my son, because I know that would only hurt my son. And I have never told my ex that "my son doesn't particularly like him." I don't know where she got that impression!?!? I agree with you that the best response was the one that gave non-judgmental advice. I have already ordered the book "Living without Brakes" and I will consider asking my ex to visit with my son's ADHD doctor so he will feel more involved in his treatment. I really want them to have a better relationship because my son is getting so stressed out, he is pulling out his eyelashes. He is literally missing half his eyelashes on one side. I hate for him to feel so angry, frustrated, and out of control. It hurts my heart, and I only want to help. Thank you to those who offered helpful advice, and answered with compassion and understanding. I really appreciated that.

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I didn't attend to hurt your feeling . Any assumption I made was based on reading your post. I I nevered try to imply you didn't care avbout your son Quote:

Amy2838 said: Thank you SO much Vicreed. I nearly cried when I read the horrible post by ADD RN. She made a lot of unfair assumptions, and I felt totally raked over the coals and misunderstood. You hit the nail on the head with your response. My main concern is for my child. I would never bad mouth my ex in front of my son, because I know that would only hurt my son. And I have never told my ex that "my son doesn't particularly like him." I don't know where she got that impression!?!? I agree with you that the best response was the one that gave non-judgmental advice. I have already ordered the book "Living without Brakes" and I will consider asking my ex to visit with my son's ADHD doctor so he will feel more involved in his treatment. I really want them to have a better relationship because my son is getting so stressed out, he is pulling out his eyelashes. He is literally missing half his eyelashes on one side. I hate for him to feel so angry, frustrated, and out of control. It hurts my heart, and I only want to help. Thank you to those who offered helpful advice, and answered with compassion and understanding. I really appreciated that.

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