Just don't let yourself to become all apart because you will lose everything and when I say this I mean Jeremey .because he is trying ;but he can't really appreciate no matter how hard he tries to .It is not his fault he just doesn't have his emotions invested in Willim like you do. iT IS TRUE GRIEF you are going through and all the steps of Death and Dying will have to be gone through.. No one has died; but the stage you are in is bargaining. NEXT WILL BE ANGER, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. each of these will be gone through at some point. it can be days, weeks and even years. You my dear are going to have to go through this in order to come out of this stronger then when you went in. this is the time to get a counselor who understands ADHD and grief.Jeremey is going to need extra patience and realize this time is not about him. GOOD LUCK! Judi

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Judi I'll be honest with you Jeremy isn't being very patient with me rght now , not as patient as I really need him to be . Of course his angxiety level has gone up by all of this stress ( which I knew it would) but fact of the matter his OCD & his constient need for perfection arround the house is just stresing me out more , makes my brain hurt even more there for I'm more tense . The fact that my mom has been in the hospital hasn't helped my stress level at all , but at leasst with my mom having been hosptialized she'll now get the home health nurse that she so desperately needs , so that away at least Jeremy & I will have some of the stress lifted off of us . Truth of the matter is Judi I'm on over load , all my emotional circuts are frazzled , I can't think , I'm not sleeping very well , I don't dare take any kind of sleep aid or else I'll sleep for days because me & sleep aids just dont mix , the fact that i'm very sensitive to any medication , if I take any kind of medication for depression all my emotions dry up & I'm not able to express myself . I'll be honest right now Im incredibly angry , depressed , I feel as tho my whole world has been taken from me , Jeremy keeps trying to make things better , by askng me me what I need, that he'll buy me anything I want , when the fact is I don't want anything , I just want my little boy . I wish I could just hug Willilam & explain to him how much I love him & that me giving him up is not my choice but that he has to know that I never not wanted him , that I never abandoned him , that all I want is for him to be raised by loving, caring godly parents who will allow me to be a part of his life, even if it's from a far . The fact that my ex has come back into the picture just makes everything all that much more complicated . My ex ( Wiliam's biological father) is suposedly going to try to get custdy of William but the fact that he hasn't been a part of William life the last 7 1/2 yrs ,on top he fact that he has criminal record there's no way that any judge is going to give him custdy . Now I could care less if they stripe my ex's parental rights , how ever my parental rights are different story . I'm going to do everything that I can to see if I can address the judge to see if there is some sort of way to do adoption but have a contract drawn up in court that will allow me to still keep my parental rights , have updates on William , be able to a part of his life at least a little & not completely be shut out of his life . I just don't understand why we can't compramise , I'm willing to do adoption isn't that enough ?

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The good thing is you are least responding to me ; and if I can help you anyway I can I will. This maybe time to be frankly honest with Jeremey and tell him that he needs to get his own anxiety and OCD under control. The premise needing things to be in order and rituals actions is to reileve his anxiety ; and doesn't address what really going on for him.. And you be ADHD and all the other things that you have going on with William , your mom is alot to carry ; and he needs to let you grieve. and realize when stressed our ADHD symptoms are heightened . You can not be rushed, things will not make it right for you ; and this he needs to understand. Being a mom myself , I would not know what to do if my daughter was taken from me, My husband yes I would be dpressed, my mom , my best friend the samething; but as mother that loves this child do what you had to do for his sake out of love not selfishness is like someone shot you in your heart and left you to die slowly that the pain is not just emotional, it is physical, and very psychological; and frankly I may be wrong the thought of dying would be easier than living through this. However you will survive because you do have people you love you and care for you. I would go to the library to borrow the stages of death of dying by Kubler Ross and you will see how this is very much a grief pattern, join a group for greiving parents . Right now I lost my 95,000 job due to my adhd mouth off and my husband is disabled ; but because I made too much he doesn't have a cent from the state, he got in trouble few weeks ago and has to go to court and may get 6-12 months jail time , I have a wonderful 16 year old who needs things just to go to school, I am worried about paying mortgages, gases and electric companies , car need repairs , and way too many animals , now all this and I can tell you my anxiety is so high I feel mopieand have a hard time falling to sleep. My counselor see me 15 minutes and nothing get really talked about. I also in the beginning of a grief period, The most largest stressors in your life,. #1 Lose of Loved ONe (william) #2 ILLness if Family #3 financial problems have all 3 and you fall in to the 3top strssors in life which we grieve over and turns our lives upside down Truthfully my anxiety is offf the hook, and I have to take ambien to sleep Ritalin and Welbutrin to control my symtoms. You know things are bad when I don't care to if my dasughter doesn't want to school or if the house wasn't clean or I want to sit watch tv all day and then go to bed. that is when I tell everyone around me stay out of my way because fresh and quite irritable , plane old *itch

SO if you want to talk I am in my early 50's and I will give you my cell phone 201-696-0095 if you have AT&T it great cost us nothing. I still need a new baterry it was suppose to be here yesterday ; but it didn;t arrive so give a few days. don't worry i have a great ear; and since i'm not your mom you can say anything you want and i can answer you anyway i need to so you don't do thinks that will cause major projects best time is 9-10pm, (JUdi)

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