I hope you can be like a duck and let alot of things said can be run off your back and forgiven because if you can't do that it will make it so much more difficult to be married. i speak from excperience because I am ADd /ADHD and have sais some things to my husband out of shear fustration that he won't believe me when I say something. It not easy to be ADD/ADHD and have impulsive thoughts , inattentive to some things. Long and tough at times when you hoped something will work out and find out somehow you are to be blamed for the mess up. If he is being particulairly abrasive excuse yourself and don't engage him. If something needs to be discussed make sure you approach him without sounding condescending or accusatory because if you do it this way nothing you have to say will be heard. I know because I turn off immediately if my husband does it this way. If you want something ask nicely like you would ask someone else. When he does something let him know it is appreciated. What you could do such as paying the bills then be the one to do it. If he is an impulsive spender have a account with so much money so it doesn't impact your bigger budget. If he spends too much on credit cards sit down together show him ; and agree to cut them up and pay them off together. If he feels part of the solution not the problem he will be more responsive to your request. Just remeber he doesn't want to be this way ; and proably does feel pretty crappy when he does . Let him apologize and don't hold on to the anger because if you don't forgive eventually you willl have your mariage crumble. Enjoy the creative , the fun individual you were attracted to because, I know if you this you will enjoy the mariage and the life you have with him. And don't worry about keeping the perfect house etc because in our world nothing or noone is perfect . And frankly we apppreciate it because it our imperfections that make us

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Thank you for your reply! I appreciate the words you gave me!

I have one more quick question ... how do you help someone understand that they are NOT stupid and WRONG for dealing with this? He often beats himself up about things but - REFUSES to admit that he is struggling with adhd! He knows he has it BUT refuses to admit the struggle ... won't go see anyone and FOR SURE won't even think about medication? Problem is ... because he is unmovable on the admittance - his childhood adhd has turned into adult adhd and from this adult adhd depression is growing??? I know it takes an aweful lot of understanding on the spouses' end who does not face this everyday BUT - where is the accountability on the side of the spouse who is struggling with it? Isn't there a point where you have to say, "This is not my fault but my problem to deal with? I can't continue blaming it on my wife?" So I will continue to take the understanding approach, as I always have ... but, what else is there to do about helping him understand that its ok to go see someone and possibly even take medication?? Because there has to be a point where he stands up and takes responsibility for at least the fact that he's strugglin with this? Can't always be - I'm just, "supposed to understand?" even when he chooses to not take charge of his own self?? I know he has a very severe case as he has told me when he was diagnosed ... his Dr. told him hehad the "worse case of adhd he had ever diagnosed" ...but, where is the line?? I would love to be able to be an encouragement to him?

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This book might be encouraging or give you some insights on how to handle things: " 'Honey, Are You Listening?': Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Your Marriage" by Rick Fowler, Richard A. Fowler, Jerilyn Fowler. The banner at the top of the book says "Help for the Frustrated Partner!"

Just a thought.

- Cathy

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It was after the 100th time when a cousin saw that I was so frustrated and denying that I did something .It was the lightbulb that went off for me when I read Driven to Distraction. and a child book I am different ,not stupid (something like that ) that made me look into the diagnosis. Truthfully it may be someone else who see his struggles not you because you are his wife that could suggest thathe get diagnosed ; it very sensative when we hear from our spouses that there is something wrong with "ME" . iis not easy to hear it ; and it not going to be easy for him to seek out the diagnosis. Just remember meds and counselling do help ; but soon as the meds are finished for the day and wear off the symptoms do raise their ugly heads. It not our intentions to make anyone including ourselves miserables; and we can, do get in our own way when we say what on our minds , impulsive say what we think even if it not appropiate at the moment, use anger as a stimulant, lose our tempers at the moment and act like nothing is wrong after seconds when it over, lose our things, forget to pay bills, buy thing we don't need, use auctions (E-bay) or gambling as a stimulant, unable to organize a room so forget the house. Ignore things right in front of us like taking the garbage out or piking something off the floor. It does exbunant energy to remain organized.; but it can be done. I have to use list and then give it to a good friend to put in order of things to do. The best advice I can give you is have someone else tell him is ADD/ADHD you can't because he will get defensive, not his parents, brothers , sisiters. Preferably a friend he respects so he will listen and still feel he okay because his peers still like him anyway. You sound like a patient wife , a great friend to your husband, Good luck!

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What I guess I'm saying he needs to revisit it and some one else could help . It not going to be easy , I know it took years ;but I hated feeling so different, so rebellious and not knowing why I was so impulsive , unorganized and the Book helped me to say okay I can get treated , the advantage of meds help keep focus; and quites the impulsiveness, it can change our personality some . Definetly I am not so spontaneous and it not until after 8PM do I feel my ADHD signs again where I become my fighting self.

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