Just a quick reply as I don't have time now but I will write more later. You do not have anything at all to feel guilty about. I'll explain more, a little later tonight.

Elaine

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Have patience with yourself. ADD and ADHD are bio-neurological disorders. It means your brain is actually wired to work a different way from others. It isn't bad, just different. It is this difference, which others don't understand, and believe we have no self control.

It really isnt' a matter of self control either. I've battled for almost 40 years with my own demons, though most of those were like bottling lightening. Lack of impulse control, easily distracted, and even easier to frustrate, I was a walking powder keg waiting to go off. The number of times I struggled holding that temper in, trying not to do things that I knew were unacceptable, but I felt driven to do.

I was only assessed this year, at age 50, and I know the guilt I am struggling with (described above). Basically, my own self image was formed by listening to others about what "normal" is. Normal doesn't exist. I'm now trying to figure out who I am, and how I can be that image I have of myself. I'm not even talking physical image, but the emotional, intellectual and spiritual person I choose to be, not what others think I should be, nor what I could be if I didn't try.

You should at least talk to your therapist about it. If they don't understand, they more than likely aren't the right fit for you. Not everyone will understand, and if you think your mother won't, then don't tell her.

Take care, and remember to be patient with yourself. We're all works in progress....

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Amina,

You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. ADHD is a neurobiological condition. It is not a moral weakness or failing of yours. Do you feel guilty if you need to wear glasses or contacts? Do you judge other people as weak because they use eyeglasses or hearing aids?

What if someone takes medication for allergies or insulin for diabetes? Are they weak or bad? I could still manage without my allergy medicine but I would be miserable without it and therefore not able to perform at my best. I could get by without wearing my contacts or glasses but you might not want me driving on the road without my contacts. What makes ADHD so different? People who don't understand what ADHD really is are the ones who have the biggest problem with treatment of ADHD. Many years ago people with epilepsy were thought to be demon possessed. Just because other people thought (incorrectly) that someone suffering from epilepsy was demon possessed, did that make it true?

You can't control what other people choose to believe. That is their problem, not yours. And scientific research has shown that individuals with ADHD who are properly treated with medication at the correct dose are less likely to abuse drugs. Those who are not treated, or undertreated for their ADHD are the ones most likely to abuse substances. My husband abused a lot of different substances in his teenage and early adult years. He was finally diagnosed with ADHD at age 46 and has been on Adderall XR for more than 4 years and he doesn't abuse the Adderall.

Adderall is replacing a chemical in your brain and allowing your brain to use it more efficiently. It is something your brain needs but your brain is not processing the chemical correctly. Adderall helps to correct that.

You are actually showing maturity and responsiblity by taking your medication, in the same way that I would be acting responsibly if I wore my contacts when I drive. Don't let someone else's lack of knowledge or understanding make you feel guilty. If I met someone who thought wearing contacts was evil, would I feel guilty for wearing them? Of course not.

I don't worry about some possible "discovery" that Adderall will cause a problem. You might as well worry about everything that exists. Adderall is being used by millions of people. And did you know that Ritalin is safer than Aspirin and has been researched more than any other pediatric medication including aspirin and cough medicine.

People fear what they don't know. Don't let others fears stand in the way of doing what is best for you. You know yourself better than anyone else and you know what works for you. If you can, try to find a support group of adults with ADHD. Go to www.chadd.org and see if there is one in your area. And you have online support here as well.

My whole family has ADHD and we all take medication for it. My son,17, my daughter, 27 and I all have inattentive ADHD and my husband has the classic ADHD. By the way, many people believe that Einstein, Ben Franklin and Thomas Edison had ADHD. So we're in good company.

Elaine

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There is a lot of wisdom in these postings. Please try to be open to it. As Elaine said, AD/HD is not a moral weakness.

Guilt is a feeling. Feel it, and then let it go. We do an exercise in my yoga class to practice letting go. We cup our hands as if holding something very precious and fragile, like a butterfly. We gradually squeeze tighter without squashing what we are holding. Then we slowly open our hands and let go. We let the precious treasure fly into the breeze. Try practicing this daily. It will help you learn to let go.

Best wishes! Allison

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My story is very similar to yours. Although I still struggle with my diagnosis, I will admit, I feel better on my medicine. The doctor told me when her first put me on a stimulant, if you need it you will feel better... if you don't, you won't. I felt like the light bulb was turned on when i started taking my ritalin. My past may have been much more enjoyable if I had been diagnosed at an earlier stage in life, but I was't. I have other 'issues' besides ADD. My counselor and doctor have mentioned my earlier behaviors may have been my way to cope with my illness.

For some unknown reason, I am married to a wonderful man whom continues to tell me I have an illness which needs to be treated with medication. We both work in healthcare, however I struggle with the stigma of the diagnosis and forgiving myself for my past behaviors. Kurt often reminds me I am harder on myself than anyone. He also reminds me that when I take my medications and follow a routine, I function very well.

The blessing... well, I am learning it is actually being diagnosed. Now, I can take medications and actually feel better and function better. Forgiving my past behaviors I am still working on...but will get there! Good Luck! Valentine Twin

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Here is a quote from a recent blog that may give you some comfort:

"...she is right ADHD is a gift. Despite somedays when I feel overwhelmed with the challenges in our family's life with different characteristics that make up my children, I also work hard to remember that the Lord thought enough of Kevin and I to handle these special spirits. We have been blessed at being able to see the world in a whole new way and forced to step out of the "norm"."

Source: http://thealbrechtsquad.blogspot.com/2008/12/adhd-is-gift.html

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you have nothing to feel guilty about; if you want to feel guilty then feel guilty that you question that you are doing so much better now on meds than not. If any counselor would be mad at the idea of you taking Adderall for your ADD then they haven't a clue about this . It is a well known FACT those you are untreated tend to be in more risky behavior; and many will land up in jail or be addicted to illegal substance in order to self medicate. How could that be better?

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I haven't yet been diagnosed with adult add but I have an appointment tomorrow to see my first psyciatrist EVER! I am very apprehensive because I was raised not to buy into the whole add thing. I am a 30 year old stay-at-home mother of two. I was told when I was in kindergarten, upon expulsion, that I needed to be medicated for hyperactivity. At that time many parents were against drugs including my mother. She constantly defended me and told all my teachers that I was just acting out of bordom and I was not challenged enough in the classroom. She assured me nothing was wrong with me & medicating children was just an act of laziness in parents and teachers. She told me medication turns creative kids into "zombies" and alters the personalities. I really believed those statements full-heartedly and would even preach this to other parents who were considering medication for their children. I recently talked to my doctor about some depression during a visit for recurring uti. I had an adult friend that was recently diagnosed with add and said I should consider talking to my doctor about add symptoms instead of depression symptoms. I have taken a handfull of anti-depressants over my adult life (prozac, wellbutrin, effexor, xanax) but always got even more depressed and quit b/c of the inital side effects of the medication. My doctor prescribed adderall for me to try for a month and referred me to the psyciatric appointment almost 3 weeks ago. I have been taking adderall off and on this past month while experimenting with the dosage. My prescription called for 10 mg twice a day which I only followed the first couple days. The second afternoon dose kept me up all night and I could not keep my thoughts quiet when I tried to fall asleep. Now that I have been taking it faithfully only once a day I feel better. My morning routine is much calmer. I don't spend the first 2 hours of my day screaming at my kids to get them ready for school. I have patience now with them to explain things and talk to them like people. When they ask the inevitable "why" I now actually explain the reason why instead of snapping "beacuse I said so" and my normal frustrated tone. Doing homework and long crafts with them is actually enjoyable. I sit down and make lists now, plan ahead for things, discuss budget issues with my husband w/o feeling overwhelmed. I feel like everything I do now has a purpose and I almost take pride in mundane tasks. I even registered last week to start taking classes again in plans to finish my college degree. I seem to be able envision achieving my goals now. At the same time I feel guilty and concerned how one little pill can do so much. I feel like I have been given a different brain and am not sure if this is ok...is it just "Catholic guilt?" Some that feels too good is usually bad? I can't wait for my psych evaluation tomorrow to learn more. Any feedback for me?

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I haven't yet been diagnosed with adult add but I have an appointment tomorrow to see my first psyciatrist EVER! I am very apprehensive because I was raised not to buy into the whole add thing. I am a 30 year old stay-at-home mother of two. I was told when I was in kindergarten, upon expulsion, that I needed to be medicated for hyperactivity. At that time many parents were against drugs including my mother. She constantly defended me and told all my teachers that I was just acting out of bordom and I was not challenged enough in the classroom. She assured me nothing was wrong with me & medicating children was just an act of laziness in parents and teachers. She told me medication turns creative kids into "zombies" and alters the personalities. I really believed those statements full-heartedly and would even preach this to other parents who were considering medication for their children. I recently talked to my doctor about some depression during a visit for recurring uti. I had an adult friend that was recently diagnosed with add and said I should consider talking to my doctor about add symptoms instead of depression symptoms. I have taken a handfull of anti-depressants over my adult life (prozac, wellbutrin, effexor, xanax) but always got even more depressed and quit b/c of the inital side effects of the medication. My doctor prescribed adderall for me to try for a month and referred me to the psyciatric appointment almost 3 weeks ago. I have been taking adderall off and on this past month while experimenting with the dosage. My prescription called for 10 mg twice a day which I only followed the first couple days. The second afternoon dose kept me up all night and I could not keep my thoughts quiet when I tried to fall asleep. Now that I have been taking it faithfully only once a day I feel better. My morning routine is much calmer. I don't spend the first 2 hours of my day screaming at my kids to get them ready for school. I have patience now with them to explain things and talk to them like people. When they ask the inevitable "why" I now actually explain the reason why instead of snapping "beacuse I said so" and my normal frustrated tone. Doing homework and long crafts with them is actually enjoyable. I sit down and make lists now, plan ahead for things, discuss budget issues with my husband w/o feeling overwhelmed. I feel like everything I do now has a purpose and I almost take pride in mundane tasks. I even registered last week to start taking classes again in plans to finish my college degree. I seem to be able envision achieving my goals now. At the same time I feel guilty and concerned how one little pill can do so much. I feel like I have been given a different brain and am not sure if this is ok...is it just "Catholic guilt?" Something that feels too good is usually bad? I can't wait for my psych evaluation tomorrow to learn more. Any feedback for me?

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Hi mytime?

Sometimes we have to rethink what we've been taught even when others meant well and had the best of intentions. I know that I've been guilty of making decisions or judgements when I thought I knew something, but I really didn't have all the facts. In recent years, science has learned a lot about how the brain works and much of what had been believed in the past hasn't been entirely what was originally thought.

At one time people believed the world was flat, that the sun revolved around the earth and that individuals suffering an epileptic attack were possessed. Numerous scientific studies have proven the existence of ADHD. Just as a diabetic needs to take insulin, or someone needs to take thyroid hormones for an overactive or underactive thyroid, individuals with ADHD have neurotransmitters in the brain that are deficient or not operating as they should. The medication corrects this deficiency.

I read a book by a Christian psychiatrist who realized he had ADHD. At first, he didn't think it was necessary to take medication. But when he did take medication and saw the differences it made, he came to an interesting conclusion. He noticed that when he was on medication he wasn't as forgetful, something his office staff appreciated:, he was able to focus better on his patients and instead of writing one book every two years, he was able to write two books in one year. He realized he was better able to serve God and minister to others since he could accomplish so much more. He concluded it would be sinful for him to neglect taking medication.

I'm not saying that someone has to take medication for their ADHD but just showing a different perspective. So if you want to take that "Catholic" guilt (I am a Christian and I grew up Catholic as well) and turn it around in a positive way, there's your answer to anyone who tries to make you feel guilty. Most people don't feel guilty for wearing glasses or taking insulin, so there's no need to feel guilty about having ADHD or treating your ADHD. Just because some people do not understand it, doesn't make it your problem. If you encountered an individual who had no idea what eyeglasses were and thought they were evil, would that make you feel guilty for needing them and wearing them? Of course not!! You'd realize they just didn't understand.

I hope your appointment with the psychiatrist went well. Keep us informed.

Elaine

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Thanks Elaine, I appreciate your perspective. I went to see a psycologist last week for an evalutation. It was very helpful and informative. It gave me a whole new outlook on this adhd thing. I was first referred by my primary care doctor and insurance company by mistake to a psyciatrist. Upon speaking to him he informed me he could not evaluate me just perscribe medication to me. He first scared me by telling me the dangers of taking adderall if not properly diagnosed and went on to tell me my primary doctor should never have perscribed the adderall first before my evaluation. I was very alarmed by the fact that the medication can cause an addiction problem if not properly diagnosed ahead of time. Luckily the psychologist practicing with him was able to see me after the appointment with him on the same day. The psychologist did an extensive history with me and consultation. At the end of the session he asked that I come in this week to take an actual "test" to get more info. He also told me just based on the info and history I provided him he is almost positive I will test highly for having adhd and to keep taking the adderall as perscribed by my primary doctor. I had no idea that minor things in my life like (speech, handwriting, procrastination & even my past driving record) could be related to adhd. He also gave me some other non-stimulant options for adhd medication which I am definitely going to consider after my test is complete. I love the positive changes I have gotten with the adderall but I am still wary of the negative side effects it could cause.

Like I said before, I am very new to the idea of adhd but also very open and curious now. I feel like a whole new world has now opened up and am very excited to discover new opportunities and goals that seem to be finally in sight!

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There are a LOT of people out there including some Drs we have been to that do not believe that ADD and other disorders even exist. It is a battle, but not one to be ashamed of. it is one worth taking an appositional stance and fighting for. The more public awareness spreads, the faster acceptance begins.

Something struck me in your post that I thought I would comment in. Have you been evaluated for a dual disorder? You sound like you have a few bipolar tendencies as well and if you do have BPD taking Adderall alone will definitely impact your moods, cause you to be manic or ubber-happy then tired, irritable or depressed. I have Bipolar disorder II and ADHD. I take Adderall XR 10mg 2xs a day and Lamictal 50mg at night before bed. it really helps.

One thing that really helped me is first finding someone you can REALLY confide in, someone willing to listen to you talk incessantly about your feelings, no matter how dark, crazy or morbid, this is really important. You need to find someone that believes in you that you can vent to whether they can understand what you are saying or going through or not, just having someone listen with open acceptance is key. if you don't know someone personally, turn to the internet, there are TONS of forums like this, chat rooms, etc where you can connect with people with ADD/ADHD.

Next turn to the internet, no really. The more you know the better you feel. This really helped me. I went through tons of guilt and still struggle with it, not because I have a disorder but because of my actions when I was out of my mind. before being diagnosed I was reckless with overspending, stealing money from my mother when I ran out of my own money, drinking heavily, sexually promiscuous, was in an abusive relationship and accepted it until something snapped in my head and I woke up, then night when he held a butcher knife to my throat and threatened to kill me if I didn't let his friend "have me" for the night. It is only by the grace of God that I made it through alive and without permanent physical damage. It is scary to think of the STDs and whatnot I could have picked up alone the way. Also I never got pregnant even though I wasn't doing anything to prevent it. God was really watching out for me.

After all this I reconnected with my best friend from high school (who was a guy because I never seemed to click with girls), and we ended up getting married two years later :) He brought me to church and I gave my life to Christ. All of these things have helped to turn my life around, but the key to it all was my diagnosis and treatment. For a few years after being diagnosed I refused meds thinking that now I know I can handle it on my own. I learned everything I could on the subject, through myself into self help and actually learned to manage effectively on my own. it wasn't until meeting my new primary care doctor when we moved that I found enlightenment about medication. He asked me if it was worth the effort and anxiety I put into trying to do it on my own. My "public life" looked okay from the outside but I would breakdown at home and it was affecting my relationship with my hubby despite my best efforts otherwise. SO my doctor made me a deal, try the meds for one month and if I still didn't feel better he would write me a get out of work free note, so I could take a week off, well I jumped on that thinking I knew better and I would have a vacation coming LOL. Well the meds actually worked, and I felt a release, Dealing with my issues was so much easier that I could actually do other things that I enjoyed and my relationship with my hubby and kids improved. it wasn't perfect from the beginning, I had to try a few different meds to get my end result now, but it was well worth it. I now have a regular psychiatrist and I take my meds regularly.

The more research I do, the better I feel about myself. Once I began to see that I was not alone the guilt started to recede. Plus I was praying all the time for forgiveness but I never really felt worthy knowing my past. Thankfully I also have a bad memory so with time I have forgotten most of my bad behavior which helps with the guilt :) But I still love to find articles and testimonials of people who are going through the same things and I feel better.

I have since embraced my disorders and treat them as my "Abilities" rather than my disabilities and I focus on the positives. I am highly intelligent, great with technology, computers and learning (when it is something I am interested in) come very easy to me, I am very crafty and people always turn to me for "outside the box" solutions, and who knows one day I may change the world. Do you ever have this feeling like you were meant to do something more? Something great? I know I do and I feel it all the time. I have tons of ideas, maybe one day I will get more than half finished and it will be great :) I started law school, started a novel, started a few businesses, but I lack the follow through...some day. Truthfully I wouldn't trade my positives for a life of "normal" the bad come with the good, that's just the way it is.

If you ever want to chat I am on IM a lot, especially late at night or email. I love to talk to new people who a "like me" :) Take care!

Jaelyn

PS: I forgot to mention that my son also has BPD and ADHD, my hubby was just diagnosed with ADHD though I knew it all alone :) and my daughter is yet to be determined, she is only 2 and could have a puberty onset instead of early onset like myself and our son. When our son was diagnosed officially (though I knew it even when I was pregnant when he moved constantly and I could see his whole hand punching out of my belly...that's another story altogether) my hubby's parents were adamant that there was nothing wrong, that he was just "all boy" blah, blah, blah, and actually fought against us, like not sticking to our schedule or giving him his meds when he would visit. I didn't know this until much later and couldn't figure out why he would come home so disgruntled. At one point they even switched his meds with similar looking vitamins thinking I wouldn't notice not realizing how dangerous it actually is to just stop these type of meds. So don't stress too much about your mom, some people are just unwilling to accept. Try starting small finding articles and copying just a paragraph or two that is really relevant to how you feel, SMALL though, if you overload her she is likely to not even read them. She may come around, she may not, my in-laws eventually did but it took nearly 6 years. YOU need to find a way to be happy with yourself and not care about what other people think. You will NEVER be able to find a group where everyone likes everything about you so why bother? There is so much more to life than that kind of stress, it just isn't worth it. :)

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ADHD is such a misunderstood condition. The stigmas foisted on us by society are both unjust and unwarranted. The last time I checked, not many people who have ADHD were responsible for the wanton theft that led to our country's economic meltdown.

Your story is very similar to mine, especially the years that you recount in the education system. i lived 44 years with undiagnosed ADHD, and found writing a book about my experiences was cathartic. No more guilt for not pursuing a career that my parents deemed worthy. No more guilt for the impulsive decisions i made throughout my career. No more guilt corroding the fabric of my soul. Enough was enough!

ADHD medications, like any ADHD treatment, do not cure ADHD. Not that a cure is necessary. As someone posted before me, ADHD has so many positive attributes that it could be called a gift. ADHD meds, in my humble opinion, are a good management method for adults who need focus in order to cope in relationships and on the job. However, I do not recommend them for children, whose brains are far from reaching the maturation stage.

For information on Adderall: http://www.adhd-information-exchange.com/Adderall-Prescription.html

The long term side effects of ADHD stimulant meds have not been thoroughly studied. I, too, am wary of long term use implications.

Keep you chin up! Participate in online and personal ADHD support groups where you can assimilate as many perspectives as possible.

Don

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Elaine20 said:

I read a book by a Christian psychiatrist who realized he had ADHD. At first, he didn't think it was necessary to take medication. But when he did take medication and saw the differences it made, he came to an interesting conclusion. He noticed that when he was on medication he wasn't as forgetful, something his office staff appreciated:, he was able to focus better on his patients and instead of writing one book every two years, he was able to write two books in one year. He realized he was better able to serve God and minister to others since he could accomplish so much more. He concluded it would be sinful for him to neglect taking medication.

Elaine-- What is the title/author of this book? I have had issues reconciling my faith and my ADD and would be interested in reading it.

Thanks! FC

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