Hello and Happy New Year!

You're right that spouses of ADHD adults need more support than they can probably easily find. ADDitude has a handful or articles geared toward non-ADD spouses that I'll link to below. Also, I do believe you can find support groups for spouses through your local chapter of CHADD...

Married to ADHD

Time Management in Your ADHD Marriage

Expert Advice for Your ADHD Marriage

The Attention Deficit Spouse

7 Common Flashpoints for Spouses of ADDers

I hope this helps!

Quote

We have just figured out that my hhusband has ADD and all of a sudden everything becomes clear. Originally, it was his stepson recieving the diagnosis. How we realize that my husband also has it. It is like a light going on. All of those things that frusterated me to no end; feeling like he was not listening to me when we talked, feeling like I had to do all the housework including paying the bills, wondering why he couldn't get it together enough to do his taxes. He had no reasonable explanations. It made no sense until just this past week. He is textbook ADD.

Quote

I have found a lot of helpful hints here. We found out my DH had ADD years ago, but I am still learning new thiings about it, that I didn't know before. Today I read on this site that some people with ADD have problems with everyday noises. I thought it was me, apparently not. It is really helpful for me to know this. I wish there was a thread where spouses of ADD/ADHD spouses could ask questions of others experiences, etc. I have been looking for something like this. I wanted to get in touch with CHADD, but at the time my DH didn't want me to, but I can do this. If our spouse had diabetes, the doctor would tell us everything we needed to know. You wouldn't find out years later that chocolate bars were not a good idea for diabetic people. In the same way, sometimes I don't think it is taken as seriously, because they can't see it.

Also, reading the books, especially the second book by Dr. Levison was helpful. The first was called driven to distraction. Like I said, a thread for the spouses of those with ADD/ADHD would be great.

Quote

I have been looking for help for the non-ADD spouse for years. There is nothing out there. Why not? Do these spouses just get divorced? I really, really need someone to talk to and share the issues of daily living with ADD.

My dh does not want to talk about it. Says it's just his personality and I have to love him anyway. I have to be on depression meds just to tolerate him. It's getting to be too much and my kids are scared we will divorce. He says it's all my fault. I need someone to talk to that can related to living with an ADD spouse.

He is so sensitive anything I say or do sets him off. His communication is so bad, what he says and does are very different things. I can't read his mind! He is very impulsive and there is no follow-though. He wants me to be more affectionate and have wild sex with him. I can't even begin to think about that because I am so resentful. It's been years since I felt affectionate toward him. He tells me sex is is only outlet for his ego. He is furious I am not a eager partner. He doesn't have any friends, do sports, or hobbies. Last night he was so mad a me he picked up our son and through him!

I just can't take it anymore!

GoingKrazy

Quote

I don't have any advice as I am in the same boat as you are, but I do have plenty of sympathy. I don't know either where to turn. Our local CHADD basically talks about children with ADHD. My guess is that adults with ADHD don't come out with it very easily. My husband wouldn't go. I too am on anti-depressants just to be able to live with him, which I don't do well. Same intimacy issues. It's impossible to look at him sexually when he acts like one of my children...ugh! This board doesn't seem very active. The only places I've found tell me to pull the slack, communicate more effectively, blah, blah, blah.....I have no problem communicating, and what other choice do I have BUT to pull the slack. What good is communicatiion when he has a pass to "forget", or "be distracted", or whatever....I want to be married to an adult! Unlike you, though, my husband has never laid a hand on my kids, he's been a very absent dad, but to be their "friend". Be careful, don't put yourself or your children in a position to absorb his anger. You know he will get off with an excuse. Then it becomes YOUR problem. If I do find a place that helps, I'll post it. I'm sorry to not be of any help, just know you are not alone......m

Quote

It's a good feeling to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Much of the time I feel totally alone. Especially when my husband keeps blaming me for everything wrong in our relationship. He even says I'm destroying our family. I have no one to talk to about this.

You are right about the excuses. He is a master at excuses for his stuff. I feel that I have been duped. I bought all his excuses when we were dating. They seemed so plausible!

Last night was the first time in 12 years that he ever laid a hand on our kids. He hasn't with me. If it happens again I will take the kids and be gone before he can blink! I can't even believe I'm having to say this!

He walked in tonight with a cheerful attitude. Amazing! He said he is happy that we are making progress to mend our marriage. What? He did make a couple of calls to seek marriage counseling. He also said he has been really concerned about work and really stressed. He really needed my affection(s) to boost his ego during this difficult time. He said the stress of it all just really got to him last night. He didn't show any remorse! No apology! He is oblivious to the seriousness of what his did last night! Who is this man I am married to?

Going Krazy

Quote

I know first hand of living with an ADHD spouse , the unorganization , easly to get distracted , poor time management are just a few things . Of course the fact that I am ADD there for I am completely the opposit does making live with an ADHD spouse very frustrating simply because he's not like me so there for we tend to butt head over the fact that he's never on time to anything , some times so hyperactive he's annoying & tends to act like a child which is kinda a turn off. I'll be honest there are times when that's really frustrating especially for an ADD woman like myself .

Quote

Hi GoingKrazy and everyone else, I am also with an ADHD man, just had our 21st anniversary--no card or gift from him, just from my 13 year old son. The last 5-6 years my hub has changed, distanced himself, saying he is tired of my criticism, that nothing he does is good enough. He's right!! And as far as I'm concerned that is his problem, but somehow he has decided it is mine. What do you say to someone who repeatedly puts away dishes in the totally wrong place? I mean plates balancing on bowls, separate pieces of the rice cooker in different places so I can't find them? And when I request it kindly the first several times, it still isn't done, so when I say something angrily he says I am the one with an anger problem. And imagine that multiplied by several similar or more important things that I have to "fix" every day of the week. That doesn't count of course the numerous things he refuses or is afraid to do or learn to do and leaves to me.

What are my rewards for working full time, coming home and cooking dinner (while he has been home all day)? Thanks? Gratitude? No, he has stopped touching me--I mean not even a friendly pat on the back--and I haven't even heard my name in months. He stopped making me tea months ago. I don't get any compliments except from my son. I think my husband is making me invisible. If I get upset and tell him this is unacceptable he tells me I am wrong. If I say I am not getting enough help he tells me he is helping me. He does not listen to me.

At every important event for me (birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine's day) he tells me he is not interested in me and is only interested in his own friends. His "friends" are online Chinese women much younger than him. He has become obsessed with China and Chinese women and goes online flirting as if he is single. He calls women and meets them for "language exchange". He tells me the marriage is dead and he is not interested anymore. Fine, I said, please leave. He has said he will, but then makes some excuse.

He recently commented that there are only 5 years until my son goes to college. I don't want to live like this for 5 more years. How do I get him out? He just got laid off in July and of course that is his latest excuse. He just wants to stay in the house and have Mommy (me) take care of him. Can anything be more selfish? I never knew for years why I wasn't really interested in sex with him, now I know it is because I felt like he was my child, not my spouse.

I have seen advice for ADHD people like, "find someone who accepts you for who you are" and "get a flexible job that fits in with your strengths". This kind of advice gives ADHD people the victim mentality, that they somehow should expect their environment to adapt to their disability. Guess what? This is a recession. There are hundreds of people going for a job. And you are going to pick and choose one that lets you stroll in at 10am? And find a spouse who doesn't mind doing 90% of the grunt work around the house? Get real!

Here is my advice for you ADHD spouses: go to your spouse, I will call it a her, and thank her for putting up with you. Acknowledge that you have a DISABILITY, it is not a "gift" as some want to call it. If someone is born sight-impaired, do you call it a gift? No, they use a cane and learn braille, and their spouse knows when they marry them that they will be doing more of the work. Be grateful to your spouse, give them all the support they ask for, if they want you to do something do it, and stop denying, defending, and making excuses. And, as someone with a hear tproblem or high blood pressure takes medicine, so should you.

Sorry for the long post. Just one more thing: Hallowell has a blog for spouses, check it out. www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/add-marriage/

Quote

I completely understand where your comming from , I'm ADD and my partner of 8 yrs is ADHD so I will you straight up it's rough and a big challange espeically when the rest of the world has a hard time understanding us so there we tend to feel isolated. Here is the name of a website that might help you - ADDerworld.ning.com it's a good support web site for both ADD/ ADHD from all over the world. Hope you have a blessed night!!!!

Quote

I am a new member and I am looking for help and guidance with how ADD/ADHD has affected my previous relationship. We are trying to rebuild, but there is so much I don't understand. I am looking for tools I can use or ideas and experiences from partners of ADD/ADHD spouses, or ADD/ADHD spouses themselves, to help me gain insight and understanding with this. Please help.

Quote

I thought I had it rough...my husband and my 4YO son are both ADHD. (We're still angling for a diagnosis for my son, but the state we live in is in the stone ages where medical advances are concerned!). DH forgets things, puts off getting me birthday, anniversary, or Christmas gifts until the day of. Never brings me flowers. Never plans dates. For the past 5 years, I've thought it was because I wasn't important enough. I'm learning that that's not the case. He's seen how unhappy I am that he hyper-focuses on something else and leaves me out in the cold.

Now I am learning that it's not because he doesn't care. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but at least now I know that it's not personal. He's trying, he just got himself reevaluated and is on the first round of meds, and although I can tell it's not the right med or the right dose, it is helping a little. He is trying. He's a good, if absent-minded and distractable father, and I know I'm going to have to police that when the kids are teenagers. I know I have to do the brunt of the household administration, but I can give him small bits of it to do. He doesn't see the housework that needs to be done, but he'll help me whenever I ask him to.

All this might sound like I have it easy. Truth is, as any spouse to this "disease" can tell you, no matter what it's hard. I can't imagine how much harder it is if the ADHD refuses to acknowledge their own disease; doesn't care about the spouse, or hurts the kids. I'm so sorry that any of you are in those situations! I'm guessing that men like that probably would not be open to couples' counseling, but maybe it would benefit you?

Something else to consider, maybe pick up a hobby. Go to a fitness class, or a painting class, or something similar a couple nights a week. You'll make new friends, forget about your problems and stresses for a while, and be working on yourself. It's working for us, hopefully it will work for you!

Quote

I am of the opinion that it is very important that there are also threads for spouses of people who are suffering ADHD. I think it is very important that they can interchange. This really helps and they can talk about the problems they have in their daily life.

Quote

Melinda, GoingKrazy, Sunny - Oh my, I feel ya sisters.

Man it's good to not be the only one. Slightly less isolated.

My husband and I have been in therapy since May 09 - he's been doing Play Attention since January 09 and still it is hard hard hard. I am grateful that my husband is willing to put in the work. I am impatient because I have been doing this 14 years and feeling pretty hopeless of late. The tough part for me is the chaotic nature of our relationship. One day he is madly in love with me. The next day he doesn't look me in the eye once the whole day. He says the cruelest things when he spins out of control when his anxiety gets out of control which, can be at any time on any day under any circumstance known or unknown.

I have decided to let go of the little things like putting dishes in the wrong place or not doing what he says he will, like clean the cat box, etc. Mind you, it is no fun picking up the slack but I notice the less I complain about it the better I feel about it and less tense it is in our home. He is hyper sensitive to anything that smacks of criticism (read at times: anything that comes out of MY mouth) so the less I say about what he didn't do the better we all fare.

What I find really irritating is the one-sided nature of this ailment. So I must understand HIM, I must read about HIS disease, I must pick up the slack for what he can't do, I must be more patient, I must give up my hopes and dreams for my future all in service to his ANXIETY! But what do I get in return? Yelled at. Raged at. Anxiety stress splayed all around the house, disturbing me, the kids, the cats. And we never are enough or understand enough or are doing it right... oi.

But we are trying. I am trying to learn to love the things that suck. I don't find most articles in this site helpful for the non-ADD spouse. Feels like a load sometimes frankly, as if just some simple communication tips and tools can make all the difference... yes, until they don't anymore. It's a fungible beast, it's like an addiction too for my spouse because using his ADD symptoms in his favor has generally worked for him. If not out right getting what he wants he at least can get what he tolerates. We have changed our entire lives for him. I cannot get a decent job where we live because my industry is locale specific and we need to be out of a big city so he can maintain somewhat. Not that he will talk about it openly and frankly. Communication is relatively non-existent. I am grateful that we at least can handle topics of logistics fairly well and parent our children fairly well. But there is nothing left for me....

Unless it is one of those days he is madly in love... don't catch me on a day when he walks out of the room in mid-sentence (mine)!!!

Nice to have a place to unload a bit. Love to hear follow ups if anyone wants to share.

Quote

I am so grateful to all of you for your comments and suggestions. I find great comfort from my women friends and sisters but am too embarrassed to admit to them some of the verbal tirades dh launches into sometimes. I know it's the ADHD talking but hurts nonetheless. DH can be very loving and supportive but the opposite as well. One never knows what to expect. Thanks again for being there.

Quote

I realize this thread is meant for spouses of ADDers, however I too am struggling being in a relationship with a non-ADDer. After receiving diagnoses for kids, then myself I thought everything would become easier. NOW I know what's WRONG with me! That I might receive some empathy, let alone understanding from my spouse for my shortcomings. Believe me, none of the missed bills, forgotten appointments, angry outbursts are intentional. I AM regretful, but apparently not enought. We don't automatically get 'fixed' with a diagnosis. Medications don't always work, couples therapy only works if you find someone who knows specifically about ADHD (there aren't many), and cognitive behaviour therapy works well but it is therapy and requires a tremendous amount of work. That's like telling someone who has not been able to read because they didn't know they needed glasses, to hurry up and read moby dick. The process off learning to adjust behaviors takes time. Not to mention, many of us are nursing disapointment at what 'could have been' had we only received our diagnoses earlier. Many of us have been misunderstood our whole lives, treated harshly by teachers and parents, alienated by our peers. We have developed actions and behaviors to protect ourselves from the harsh glares and repeated admonishments during our childhoods. Could we have possibly done anything right? That is alot of undoing to do before we can get on with the process of healing, changing, and if we are lucky, flourishing. I am in no way condoning bad behaviour. I have two children with ADHD, and they are challenging, but they are also wonderful, funny and very empathic. Sometimes however, these traits are masked by frustration and anger. It's difficult to have positive feelings for somebody when they are lashing out at you, but there is a small part of that person who realizes that they are responding inappropriately. I am not saying that selfish, innapropriate and even violent behavior is in ANY way excusable. For the ADHD spouses who are neglecting their families and using ADHD as a get out of jail free card, rise above and strive to be the best at being a spouse, parent, coworker. Lord knows, we have tenacity in spades! To those who have to live with us, please treat us like people who struggle with a disability. Just one you can't see. A little understanding goes a very long way, and it is the carrot that will keep us coming back for more!

Quote