Hi 2jacks...

Thanks so much for your post. This time of year, it feels almost impossible to imagine 'free time,' doesn't it?!? Forget the shopping and baking and cleaning - it just gets so dark so early that the days feel shorter and more confining.

I think your idea of a weekly day off from housework is a great one. Surely your husband could agree to one day a week where your personal time and mental health take precedence over the vacuuming!

Also, what about a chore schedule for the boys? Could the 8-year-old vacuum a few days a week? The 5-year-old maybe sweep or set the table? They could earn a little allowance and chores can actually help ADHD kids with their behavior.

Finally, what about enlisting some babysitting help for a few hours each week so that you can concentrate on work or relaxing or cleaning? One "day off" and one day with extra help might be all it takes to make you feel less frazzled...

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I know exactly how you feel. You have alot of demands placed on you, and your husband is one of them. Is that ok with you? I have 3 boys (one is grown and 2 are teenagers) and a husband with ADD, and they will all 'take advantage of' my organization and management skills for as long as I let them. You can control how much, and if you don't get results talking with your husband, joint therapy can be very helpful. It was necessary for us because he couldn't acknowledge that he was letting me do what he needed and wanted - it was much easier to have me do what was harder for him to do. I understand that it is part of being a parent to teach children how to do things for themselves and to learn the skills they need, but my husband was not allowing me to have the same priveleges of adulthood as he was taking for himself. I was not getting my basic needs met and he could not see that he had any part in that, until he was desparate. He is also a workaholic and prone to be more demanding, the harder he worked. When he didn't understand what he was doing "wrong" (and why I was unhappy and seriously depressed), he added the burden of making me feel responsible for having it make sense to him. My biggest moment of taking action was when I realized that. Therapy had ended sadly because he 'didn't understand' and I had proven that nothing I could do would ease my burden in that relationsihp. I finally had to say things like "I will not talk about that any more. We could not solve it in therapy and your questions are yours, not my responsibility." Please take care of yourself now. Does his work day end at 6:00? If you clean the house for him, is he going to buy the groceries and fix dinner? Does he take equal responsibility with the kids' homework and evening childcare? Do you get to help decide what is important to your family in terms of the jobs he takes on? If he gets home late from work 2 nights/ week, do you have 2 assigned (so they don't get sabotaged by his workoholism) nights for spending time with a friend or treating yourself to a movie? The longer you wait, the fewer friends you will have to call on and the harder time you will have deciding what you need and deserve, because you will have gone without it for so long and 'survived'. If you relate to my experience, I hope you can use something in it to make a good change in your life.

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Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. yes, I do need to enlist the help of my boys and that might be a good starting point. I just went through the whole bedtime routine again (alone, of course) and I was just realizing that I ought to, at least , request one night per week OFF from that particular duty. Tonight, though, is supposed to be my hubby's night off and, of course, he's at work (grrrrr). Now the kids won't see him for the next 3 days of work and I'm flying solo again. I do utilize babysitters very frequently so I can operate my home business an hour or two here and there. I suppose I ought to hire them for my mental health breaks too. I read somewhere too about making a master to-do list and working each item into a day-planner. I need to try this and schedule-in computer time, reading time, exercise or going for a walk--things I just never get to do anymore. I can try to schedule in regular cleaning, but NOT everyday. Hubby will just have to live with that. HA!

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I started taking yoga with a friend about a year ago. One of the teacher's mantras is "Take care of yourself, because if you don't, who will?" I loved it the first time I heard it, and I look forward to hearing it in class every week. It was so difficult for me to give myself permission to take care of myself. Now my yoga instructor reminds me that it is my job to take care of myself. Guess what? Everyone survived when Mom started giving herself breaks! In fact they thrived. When I feel good, I take much better care of everyone else in the household - two children with AD/HD, and a husband who, fortunately, is not a clean freak. Still, he initially had trouble understanding why I didn't accomplish more during the day and why our house was always so cluttered when he arrived home from work. Now, he gladly pitches in. Learning to live comfortably with AD/HD is a long, sometimes painful, process, and it challenges even the stongest marital bonds, but it is possible. Start by treating yourself on a regular basis, because if you don't, who will? :)

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thanks for the comments. I feel much less stressed since the "New" year : ) I think that was a big part of it, but also I had a talk with hubby honestly about keeping a more regular schedule of exercise time, reading and computer time as we get into 2009. I am writing it down, and he has been very agreeable to helping me fit in the "down time" that I need. He has made dinner twice in the last week, helped put kids to bed, and even did the grocery shopping (gasp!) yesterday, since I had to work and run other errands. Now, if we can just keep this up! The key for me is to write ev erything into my weekly planner, including his days to exercise and get away too. It's funny how the little boring housework stuff still gets done in the meantime. Now, to post that chore chart for the boys.....

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So glad to hear you are feeling better now and your husband is helping out more. The holidays are a huge challenge for me too, even though we try to keep it simple. One other idea occurred to me for overwhelmed moms - hire a cleaning service if possible. I have one come once a month just to clean the common areas of the house - livingroom, kitchen, family room, and baths, which forces me to declutter regularly and it is a delight to have all these areas shining at the same time once a month! It is also easier for me to work with the kids on putting things away and helping out when the house is in order. The whole family tries to maintain the house. We don't last all month, but we are gradually getting better.

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my best friend has become my kitchen timer....i was diagnosed with adult adhd about 2 years ago...i knew it a long time before but having an "official" dx was a great relief. additude magazine is now my bible of sorts and my husband, who is the total opposite of me is reading it as well. my biggest orgnizational tip is every task you do bring the timer with you and set it for however long you think you can handle that task - even if its not done. you can always go back to it - it will wait for you!!! asa i get up in the am i feed my cat and then sit at my desk and do some paperwork - i usually set the timer for 20 minutes - and i can focus that long - then i reward myself and sit at the computer and e/m and catch up for 20! it helps and it works. i get a super alot accomplished in one day! it may help!!!

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