The way I have dealth with the constant blame in this relationship is letting it all go. I no longer just accept his blame ; but if I am feel It was my fault I have learned to say I am sorry. It never easy for us to accept the responsibility in many things and that is a bigger problem for the men. You figure when we are blamed it sound very accusatory; but do you realize it maybe not all his fault. ADHD make us impulsive and of course distracted so if you can't let this go then you will find yourself holding onto resentment. Just gentally let him know what you expect from him and let him know when he done that he did a good job. The old saying you get more with honey is very appropiate here. If you want positive results you must let him know it.

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For the last 22 years, I have tolerated pretty much the same type of incidents you talked about and also violence and major anger outbursts. I have 2 kids and he had put so much unreasonable responsibilities and demand on them. My daugher has ADD and LD and he is so hard on her despite the fact that he is the catalyst of arguments and fights in the family. It is hard and I know that a divorce will be easier on me emotionally. In addition to being the main breadwinner working 14 hours a day, I take care of everything around the house. The man has yet to cook me a meal. He will either take the kids out for dinner or have my son cook. Like you, we are dry on money but he continues to eat out, shop like there is no tomorrow and buy stuff that he will never ever use. Our house is piled full of crap that have not been touch in the last 5 years because he forgots what he has. The entire house despite me cleaning it like a dog is an embarrassing mess. In the 3 minutes he arrives home, the house is messed up all over again. Yet, he screams and yells at the kids for not helping and messing things up. We all kept our mouth shut and tolerate it. He is a failure and he attributes all that to us not being supportive. I left my 6 weeks old new born son to the daycare because somebody has to work to support the family. I left my dying father because I had to go back to work because somebody has to support the family. He was depressed and hasn't work for years and if he does, he can't get long with this person and that person and so they are not treating him right and so he has to look for another job., Same old story. There is just too much resentment in our relationship. He could never keep a job for more than a few years and he make enough to support himself and yet he acts and lives like a king. Frankly, I am tired of complaining because you have said it all. All I am waiting for is for him to get sick of me or have an affair and leave us so that finally somebody, other than me will have to take care of him - Give him money to spend, feed him with good meals, clean his house, take care of his children and most of all after putting the last load of laundry away at 11:30 pm, still have to fulfill his sexual needs.

I can't leave him because he will kill himself and I can't have blood in my hands or have my children hate me and that is the reason why I had put up with him all these years and worst, he would kill us. I have absolutely no doubt that he is capable of shooting us to death in our sleep. My Mom was right. She always said to be careful when picking a husband cos the worst thing that can happen to a woman is to marry the wrong man. I don't have my family for support because we migrated from 1/2 the world away. It was supposed to be a temp situation and because he changed his mind, I am now left with no choice and no family. Sadly, he is my only family and the one that I am trying to get away from.

I am sorry to say all these because I should be more tolerant towards him knowing that he has ADD and depression. However, my life is nothing but work 18 hours a day and to fullfill his wish. I paid for our dates,never had my honeymoon and he never ever take me out for any fine dinning not even for my birthday or anniversary. He would do it for anybody else though. I never ask for much except for him to start getting along with people so that he can keep his job and start making some decent money to pay off our huge debt and to stop buying things. Nothing has worked. He argues with counsellors and refuse to make any changes. It was us who isn't understanding. So, I am really done trying.

God help those who have to deal with people with depression and ADHD, violence and anger. It seemed to me that all we can do is to give in and tolerate because I have tried talking, counselling, reasoning, begging... and nothing has worked. My relief will come when I close my eyes and depart from this world, hopefully after my children are grown and out of the house so that I don't have to fear for them.

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Hi safetypinme:

Wow - that was one hell of a post. (Have you ever considered blogging about life with an ADDer?) Thank you for sharing your story and for joining our forums. Your question is a great one: How to help ADD adults take responsibility for and learn from their mistakes?

I think the best source of wisdom on this might be Dr. Ned Hallowell, an acclaimed ADHD author and founder of The ADHD Marriage Blog.

Ned has written a few great ADHD books" that you might want to page through - namely, "Dare to Forgive. I don't know that it gives specific advice about helping your ADD spouse take responsibility, but I think it's a great place to start.

I hope this helps!

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It is so nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this. Our son was diagnosed in kindergarten, and he is now in the 7th grade so I have spent most of my time learning how to help him. However my husband is, I am sure ADHD as well but he has never been diagnosed. From what I have read here and in other materials many of our problems stem from his lack of acceptance of his own condition let alone doing something about it. Living with one person is hard but two of them can be overwhelming. I have spoken to my husband about getting diagnosed and perhaps some counseling or medication, but he drags his feet every time it comes up. I do get tired of being the one who keeps it together (as much as I can) but often it is too much for me. I am not sure I don’t have some tendencies as well.

I know I tried to have husband pull his share of the bill paying, keeping track, and staying on a budget, all things I have trouble with also. It just did not work. We ended up having to file bankruptcy this year and now are trying to dig out from under the load. On the plus side we were able to keep the house, but he has fallen back into the old habits of overdrawing out checking acct etc. So I have no advice for you, but know that many of us are dealing with similar situations. If anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them too. Good luck!

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safetypinme said: Could I accept my husband just the way he is, if he never changes, if he never sees an ADHD coach and find ways to make our lives less complicated, b/c let's face it, with 6 kids, anything we can do to make it less complicated helps. If he never finishes those classes at the tech school to get the certifications that prove he's qualified to do the work that he's been doing for a decade, so that we can be in a less precarious financial position. If he never figures out how to handle at least the important things that need to be accomplished on a schedule on time, instead of all at the last minute, often costing us money we don't have to work around the last minute complications. If he never figures out that he can't spend the $200 that is in his account just because it is there because I didn't buy groceries yet for the week, and there's such a thing as gas money, and some day, some day I would really like to have one of those things called a savings account and actually keep it open for more than 3 months during tax season. If he never realizes that those 1/2 dozen things that he thinks he just HAS to do the moment before he's leaving for work or for an appointment, really don't HAVE to be done right then, but he does HAVE to leave 10 MINUTES AGO if he wants to be on time!! Can I accept that the things that I see as 'so obvious' things that could be done to make our lives less complicated are really not 'so obvious' to him?

Yeah, I can accept all of this. I can accept it because I am excelling in my career and through me, we will be in a less precarious financial position, and I enjoy my career, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and control that I don't have at home. With 7 other sets of hands and mouths and feet working nonstop to destroy the little order I manage to obtain, I love going to work. Home and family are great, and I adore them and enjoy them in small doses. I wish I could say that I enjoy them unconditionally, but that's when love kicks in.

I can accept scheduling 'conflicts' because now that I am away that he will never be the plan ahead type, I can appreciate it when he actually does make a small triumph by planning and executing his plan, and I can accept it because I can plan ahead for him and break it down into smaller, more manageable tasks, and this seems to work for him, so it works for me.

I can accept the he cannot handle the finances or paying the bills, because there is this amazing thing called automatic bill pay, so I set up the account to send out the bill the day that his paycheck hits his account, and then I transfer the remaining balance to my account leaving him enough money for gas and lunches and a little extra for whatever he may need. Any other purchases I discuss with him before making the purchase. Whether it is something that he wants or something that I want. Even though I am in control of the money, this requires us to discuss each purchase with each other before making it. Fortunately for us, it doesn't cause resentment. He recognizes that since I have taken control of the finances there aren't all those little 'surprises' at the end of the month when the bills come and we don't have the money to pay them and no one has any idea where that money went because he only spent $. . . . . and the bank must be pulling some funny stuff again.

I can accept that he will never get to appointments or work on time without my help, so this is why I set all the clocks in the house and the cars 15 minutes ahead, and since he has such a poor internal clock, he hasn't noticed yet.

I can accept that things are not obvious to him if he can accept that when I ask him to include those things in the way he wants to do things, I'm not criticizing him. He can do it his way, but I'd like him to just make sure that whatever his method is, the end result is the same. I don't care how he scrubs that bathroom when he cleans it, as long as the floor and the corners get scrubbed as well. And I don't care how he cleans up the clutter, as long as when he puts it away, it actually goes back where it belongs instead of, Oh say, putting the junk mail along with the important mail all in the kitchen cupboard next to the sink. You know the one that I rarely open b/c there isn't much in it that I use. Only for me to walk around for months wondering where that letter from the county/mortgage/doctor's office went. And I can even accept this because I now have a small letter box that hangs on my kitchen wall, and if it gets full, then we go through the mail together and decide what to throw out and what to file in my filing cabinet that my wonderful, resourceful husband got for me.

I can accept all of this.

I can even accept that he thinks I get frustrated with him 'for no reason' and I get 'in moods' out of the blue. IF and here's the condition IF he can accept that it is the truth when I tell him it is not in fact out of the blue or 'for no reason'. If he can accept that there are things that he does and fails to do that affect our family and me negatively. All humans do this. People let people down. But his refusal to accept responsibility for the damage that is done, intended or not, is what is killing our relationship.

That when I very carefully chose my words to ask him what did the coat he was trying on in the me"Honey, are you done working on the computer?" him: "What do you think?!?" me: "I'll take that as a no, but for the record I can't see up the stairs and into the room. All this wood is in the way."

I walk on eggshells and have taken the counselors advice that I will probably always have to be the one to step back and stop responding emotionally and try to regain some real communication. I cannot begin to express how often I have to step back and say to him " I am not trying to be difficult, I am not trying to argue with you, and I am not questioning you. I am trying to understand you. I am trying to communicate with you, so please, stop yelling at me and work with me."

But still, when I tell him that I am sorry that I made him feel like I was questioning his judgement, and ask him if he could forgive me, and accept that I did not intend it that way, his response is not. "Yes, I can accept that and I can forgive you." it is "You know what, I'm used to you doing this, so I'm good. I'm fine."

It's just a redirect to put the blame on me.

When he has two months to get the framing done on two walls in the basement we are finishing so that I can do the wiring in the room when my mom comes for a visit. And he waits until less than 24 hours to let his buddy know that it needs to be done, and he buddy is the guy with the saw and the know-how, and that saw is at his buddy's buddy's house, and we don't have enough money to buy a saw of our own b/c Hubby spent the reserve I had on a new custom computer case. And then when they do get the saw back, they stay up until 3am on a school/work night sawing and hammering and banging and still don't frame out the walls that I specifically said were the only two that I really needed to be done.

I stepped back and took a deep breath and told him that I appreciated him working so hard to get the framing done. B/c I know In his mind, he did everything he could to get it done and I better not have anything to say about the way it was done.

I'm still waiting til my next appt with the counselor to figure out how I'm going to address this with him b/c some things are too big to let go. The wiring was to be done in what is going to be our oldest son's room. It was supposed to my mother's birthday present to him. because once the wiring is done, then they drywall can go up, then the floor can go down, and then his room is done.

If my husband could look at me and tell me that he realizes he let me down, and he is sorry, then I would be ok with what happened. I realize that he doesn't realize along the way that he is making it impossible for himself to accomplish things in a timely manner. It's not that it is impossible to do, but he makes it that way for himself and he has no idea that he's doing it. And there is a fine line between helpful reminders and nagging and I honestly havent' been able to figure it out yet b/c it seems that when I remind him, he's already got it in the bag and is annoyed at me for reminding him, but if I don't remind him, then he gets annoyed at me because I didn't remind him.

See what I mean about taking responsibility. No matter what happens it isn't his fault. I have read that this is part of his ADHD. B/c of the awareness factor, they often develop a complex about things going wrong and people blaming it on them, but it's never their fault.

I can accept all of the other fastballs that being married to a spouse with ADHD throws at me, but this, this one. This will be our undoing, and I am keenly aware of it, and I have tried every method I can think of to express this to him, and of course he wants examples, and when I give him examples, he's always got some reason that it isn't his fault.

Soo, does anybody have experience with this and does anybody have stories or tips on how you and/or your spouse were able to overcome it or at least make some headway with it. I can choose my battles. I'm willing to not push the responsibility on things that aren't as important. But I need him to take responsibility for the damage that is done, intended or unintended, instead of always blaming it on someone else.

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safetypinme said:

I can accept all of this.

I can even accept that he thinks I get frustrated with him 'for no reason' and I get 'in moods' out of the blue. IF and here's the condition IF he can accept that it is the truth when I tell him it is not in fact out of the blue or 'for no reason'. If he can accept that there are things that he does and fails to do that affect our family and me negatively. All humans do this. People let people down. But his refusal to accept responsibility for the damage that is done, intended or not, is what is killing our relationship.

That when I very carefully chose my words to ask him what did the coat he was trying on in the me"Honey, are you done working on the computer?" him: "What do you think?!?" me: "I'll take that as a no, but for the record I can't see up the stairs and into the room. All this wood is in the way."

I walk on eggshells and have taken the counselors advice that I will probably always have to be the one to step back and stop responding emotionally and try to regain some real communication. I cannot begin to express how often I have to step back and say to him " I am not trying to be difficult, I am not trying to argue with you, and I am not questioning you. I am trying to understand you. I am trying to communicate with you, so please, stop yelling at me and work with me."

But still, when I tell him that I am sorry that I made him feel like I was questioning his judgement, and ask him if he could forgive me, and accept that I did not intend it that way, his response is not. "Yes, I can accept that and I can forgive you." it is "You know what, I'm used to you doing this, so I'm good. I'm fine."

It's just a redirect to put the blame on me.

When he has two months to get the framing done on two walls in the basement we are finishing so that I can do the wiring in the room when my mom comes for a visit. And he waits until less than 24 hours to let his buddy know that it needs to be done, and he buddy is the guy with the saw and the know-how, and that saw is at his buddy's buddy's house, and we don't have enough money to buy a saw of our own b/c Hubby spent the reserve I had on a new custom computer case. And then when they do get the saw back, they stay up until 3am on a school/work night sawing and hammering and banging and still don't frame out the walls that I specifically said were the only two that I really needed to be done.

I stepped back and took a deep breath and told him that I appreciated him working so hard to get the framing done. B/c I know In his mind, he did everything he could to get it done and I better not have anything to say about the way it was done.

I'm still waiting til my next appt with the counselor to figure out how I'm going to address this with him b/c some things are too big to let go. The wiring was to be done in what is going to be our oldest son's room. It was supposed to my mother's birthday present to him. because once the wiring is done, then they drywall can go up, then the floor can go down, and then his room is done.

If my husband could look at me and tell me that he realizes he let me down, and he is sorry, then I would be ok with what happened. I realize that he doesn't realize along the way that he is making it impossible for himself to accomplish things in a timely manner. It's not that it is impossible to do, but he makes it that way for himself and he has no idea that he's doing it. And there is a fine line between helpful reminders and nagging and I honestly havent' been able to figure it out yet b/c it seems that when I remind him, he's already got it in the bag and is annoyed at me for reminding him, but if I don't remind him, then he gets annoyed at me because I didn't remind him.

See what I mean about taking responsibility. No matter what happens it isn't his fault. I have read that this is part of his ADHD. B/c of the awareness factor, they often develop a complex about things going wrong and people blaming it on them, but it's never their fault.

I can accept all of the other fastballs that being married to a spouse with ADHD throws at me, but this, this one. This will be our undoing, and I am keenly aware of it, and I have tried every method I can think of to express this to him, and of course he wants examples, and when I give him examples, he's always got some reason that it isn't his fault.

Soo, does anybody have experience with this and does anybody have stories or tips on how you and/or your spouse were able to overcome it or at least make some headway with it. I can choose my battles. I'm willing to not push the responsibility on things that aren't as important. But I need him to take responsibility for the damage that is done, intended or unintended, instead of always blaming it on someone else.

I can relate to what you are saying. My husband did much of the same thing. Always blaming someone else and never taking responsibility for anything he did. He felt entitled to do whatever he felt like at the moment but I was supposed to do whatever he thought I should do when he thought I should do it.

I'm starting to nod off so I'll finish tomorrow.

Elaine

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Safetypinme,

I would not be surprised if your husband has another comorbidity besides ADHD. There are disorders that have overlapping symptoms with ADHD and frequently only one of the coexisting disorders is diagnosed. It takes a trained and knowledgeable clinician or doctor to be able to evaluate whether there is one or two disorders that overlap. I am not a doctor nor an expert but I recognize some symptoms that your husband has in common with mine and I've met several others who had similar symptoms with the same dual diagnosis. The extreme unwillingness to accept any responsibility or blame for his actions suggest something more than ADHD. My husband not only had ADHD but BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well. Anywhere from 25 to 50% of adults with untreated ADHD have BPD as well and 50% of those with BPD have ADHD as well. BPD symptoms can include unpredictable mood swings, intense anger or raging at times, impulsivity, blaming others and not accepting responsibility, boredom and emptiness, ongoing relationship problems and inappropriate anger. Impulsivity, boredom and mood swings are some symptoms that overlap with ADHD.

I've researched and read up on both disorders quite a bit and I can differentiate the different symptoms in my husband most of the time. He takes medication for both disorders and if he stops taking some of the medication I can see the difference. My husband's ADHD is pretty severe but it is no match for BPD symptoms. Those with BPD have even less insight regarding their behavior than do those with ADHD.

Both of my children have inattentive ADHD and so do I. My daughter has a milder form of BPD. I have a friend who has ADHD, bipolar disorder and BPD. My neighbor's daughter has ADHD and BPD. I've had a lot of exposure to both disorders and there are certain symptoms and feelings that stand out to me. We've also been extremely fortunate to have found a doctor who understands both disorders so well and knows the best treatment. I have learned so much from our doctor.

One phrase in particular that you used, "walking on eggshells", is a perfect description of life with someone who has BPD. In fact, there is a well known book written for family members and loved ones of someone with BPD (although many, such as myself, who first stumble upon the book have no idea what it is they have been dealing with) called, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason. You might want to look for that book at a bookstore or even online and read the back of the book. If that catches your attention, there are additional questions in the book that highlight some of the behavior that makes up this disorder.

For many years I walked on eggshells and never knew what to expect. What didn't bother him at all one day, might enrage him the next day. And, in spite of being evaluated by several psychiatrists, none of them recognized the BPD, let alone the ADHD. He was diagnosed with depression, which he did have also, but most of them missed both of the other diagnoses. And this is hardly an exception. If knowledge and expereince with adult ADHD is limited, it is even more so with BPD.

Maybe it is only ADHD but anytime you have severe symptoms and problems such as you are describing, it would be beneficial to look into the possibility of BPD. There is so little awareness and education, not to mention all of the myths and misinformation that abound, about BPD in spite of the fact that the most recent research shows the rate of occurrence in the general population to be 5.9% and to occur equally among men and women (most individuals believe that it occurs primarily in women but that is not true).

In order to find the solutions and the best way to approach these problems, you have to know what "all" of the disorders are. Just as a doctor isn't going to be very successful in treating a patient with a medical disorder if the patient has other medical problems that are not diagnosed and could complicate the picture, or cause the doctor to start treatment that might aggravate the other condition, it is so important to know exactly what you are dealing with.

If you have any other questions about anything I wrote about, you can send me a private message. I'm sorry if all of this information is overwhelming but I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different had I known all of this years ago. And how grateful I would have been had someone pointed me in the right direction. This may not apply to your situation but since the possibility exists, I can't not say anything.

Elaine

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Thank you to everyone for your comments.

At your most recetn counseling session, my husband and I both came to a better understanding of each other. Apparently, he tells me what he thinks will make me happy whether he really thinks it's possible to meet the demands of what he's committing to or not. And then he does everything he can(in his ADHD way) to meet those demands, and he doesn't tell me about the obstacles(read distractions) he meets along the way out of some other misguided attempt to 'protect' me. I have often complained about him not sharing with me. I know how difficult it is for him to remember details and actually pull them out of his brain and put them into words, but I need to be kept informed of at least the bullet points, so that I can have reasonable expectations. I have told him countless times, that when I'm planning things, and everything involves planning ahead, especially with our family, and I ask him if he can do 'this'(his part in the plan) I really want to know if he can do it, b/c if he can't, then we need to come up with an alternative.

So he tells me that he can do it, b/c he just wants to make me happy, and then it turns out that he can't, but he doesn't tell me about any of the obstacles he met along the way and I'm pissed off at him for failing me once again, and I think that he didn't follow through on what he committed to b/c he didn't take it seriously enough, and translate that into he doesn't take me seriously enough.

That is basically what happened with the framing of the basement project.

So hubby has committed to actually telling me the the truth instead of what he thinks I want to hear, and he is going to preface his statements with "I don't think you're going to like this . . ." Which I find mildly annoying b/c I don't know where he got this idea that I just want him to do what I want him to do, b/c I've been begging him for years to just give me some feedback so I don't have these false expectations, but if it helps us get to next level, then I can live with it. Of course, the only time so far he's actually used it is to tell me that he always makes the pancake batter for me when I make pancakes. I don't think that was the intended use, and he had no problem telling me that without the preceding phrase. and of course I did not like what he said.

I have also resigned myself to the fact that I will have to make the appointment for AD/HD evaluation for him myself, or it will never be made or attended. I have begun to wonder if I have ADD. I know my father had it(deceased) and I know there are a lot of the symptoms that I struggle with(what stands out to me out of all of them is the Touchy-Touchiness) but how do I determine whether the disorganization in my life and the craziness in my head is a symptom of my ADD or a side effect of my husbands ADHD and our 6 kids? Was I this crazy and disorganized before I met my husband? I think I was, only it didn't matter as much b/c I only had me to take care of.

Here are reasons I think I have ADD. I am highly intelligent and always got good grades in school, but was never a straight A student b/c I could never complete and turn in assignments on time. I couldn't actually pay attention to the teacher unless I was doodling in my notebook, and as long as I could doodle, I didn't even have to read my book, I would Ace every test. I can't think of any venture in my life that I have actually completed in full. High school: I took my GED early so I could go to Australia for a year, which turned into 10 months b/c I came back early, Started college on an almost full scholarship but could keep my grades up, plus I got bored, so I got my own apartment and got a job and tried to do school and work and couldn't keep up with school, so I dropped out and got a second job, my apartment was always a wreck, but I was never happier than when I was coming home from an 18 hour day of work to my eclecticly 'decorated' home. I jumped from relationship to relationship, most of them overlapping, but I was always looking for something new, exciting and stimulating. I travelled to Europe for a few months, partially financed by a paramour, and met my current husband a few weeks after I got back home. I have made 3 attempts at going back to college to get a degree. All cut short by my boredom and lack of focus. I find myself fortunate to be in a job where my boss encourages me to look for new challenges and then assists me in learning all that I can in that new area, and then encourages me again when I lose interest and change focus to another area. I am an expert multi-tasker, but I do have to reign myself in when I begin to 'task' on too many 'multi's. I cannot for the life of me get a handle on the housework and I literally panic when I think about something getting out of my control b/c it so easily does and it's so difficult to regain control of it. I cannot do housework unless I hyperfocus, and then my husband wants to be all touchy feely b/c I guess seeing me working hard to take care of our home and family turns him on, and I cannot stand to be touched when I am hyperfocused. It feels like I'm being held down and suffocated.

So, after taking all of this into consideration. I asked my husband if I make a tandem appointment for us to begin the process for evaluation, if he would come with me. He said of course. Now I can make the appointment, but I will probably forget when it is, but remember roughly, and have to call the doctor's office the day of or the day before to verify the time. But I have the fortitude to follow through on this. Anything to help my husband and me become a better husband and wife and a better father and mother.

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Elaine 20 thank you for the following

{quote}I've researched and read up on both disorders quite a bit and I can differentiate the different symptoms in my husband most of the time. He takes medication for both disorders and if he stops taking some of the medication I can see the difference. My husband's ADHD is pretty severe but it is no match for BPD symptoms. Those with BPD have even less insight regarding their behavior than do those with ADHD. {end quote}

I agree completely - borderlines do tend to lack empathy for others - where as I find ADDers are unsure of where their responsibility ends and another persona begin - This in my experience causes one to take all of the blame or none of it - Because ADD messes with the ability to categorize stuff well ADDers have a hard time being able to see A, B, and C are my fault and D, E, and F were not with in my control

Nuerpotypical – failure to consider me means you do not care about me – this is an auto interpretation

Reality – For an ADDer lack of consideration was due to lack of thinking required to consider all the possible consequences Hell he doesn't consider his own personal consequences most times –

I handle the blame thing much like ADD RN does – I decide if I am at fault and if I am I accept it if not I blow it off - My husband can blame me all he wants but he can not force me in any way to accept it – acceptance of blame is with in ones own mind so it can be dealt with effectively from with in my own mind – I do not have to expect Gary to change any thing -

If I want Gary to change – I change because I was told one time if I want some thing different I have to do some thing differently – so I do and it is amazing – Read a Dance of Anger – Harriet Leiner very good book and effective coping methods – it helped me do the one thing that has saved my sanity

It helped me create healthy personal boundaries which is one of the most common things lacking in many relationships involving ADDers – Many learn how to draw boundaries via natural interaction if they grew up in families that practiced health boundaries – however ADDer usually have to be taught and for some reason their neurotypical spouse also seem to share in this lacking.

It is your responsibility to draw emotional boundaries and your job to protect them – all healthy relationships require them – and if you are married to an ADDer they are a must have for any resemblance of sanity

sesmag - separate bank accounts works wonders . . ..

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Because I can and do see how some of my behaviors can be extremely annoying, anger producing etc. However i worked on myself alot and figure I am the one who has the control of my life; and my husbands can not ever blame me for how he really feels. What I mean is he responsible for his reactions and how he thinks about what ever. I always had marched to my own drum; and still after 24 years of marriage will do my own thing. Most of friends are guys because I understand their nature more then I understand females. We as couple actually turned our lives around and my husband stayed home ; and I went out to work because it was decided he better at keeping the house then I am, I hate routines ;and don't know where to begin if I have too much on my hands. We homeschooled my daughter for 14 years before she decided to go to highschool and it is the top school in the state. I have set up pay on-line bills, but my husband does the food shopping . I have a bank acount for the impulsive spending and two other his and savings account. I don't drink or use drugs. I do go out with my friend to the city and hang out usually to walk around , eat, listen to music.; and right now hate his girlfriend because she is scared of our friendship and has hung up on me when I called him without saying even hello. Frankly it is taking everything I have right now to keep going off on her; and I am sure he doesn't know she did this. I love football , NASCAR and MUSIC!!!! (mostly hard rock, Jazz and classical) I love motorcycles nad will go with my friend out on the bike any time he asked. My husband doesn't like that I have so many male friends but he does know that I can't be a typical female; and I don't cheat on him. I am very creative and will write or paint.

I guess it up to you to figure what you will accept from ADHD mates; and those who have endured violence it not ADHD that is doing this. Your husband is abuser and it not your fault if he hurts himself if you leave him . It is up to you not to tolerate his abuse ; you are teaching your children it is okay. If he was to kill himself that is the biggest cop out ; and to threaten you with this is horrendous . Call 911 if he hits you or threatens to kill himself it may be the biggest service you do for him. It will force him to get the help he needs. I was told it will be up to me decide what I will tolerate; and it is up to me how I will choose to respond.

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Because I can and do see how some of my behaviors can be extremely annoying, anger producing etc. However i worked on myself alot and figure I am the one who has the control of my life; and my husbands can not ever blame me for how he really feels. What I mean is he responsible for his reactions and how he thinks about what ever. I always had marched to my own drum; and still after 24 years of marriage will do my own thing. Most of friends are guys because I understand their nature more then I understand females. We as couple actually turned our lives around and my husband stayed home ; and I went out to work because it was decided he better at keeping the house then I am, I hate routines ;and don't know where to begin if I have too much on my hands. We homeschooled my daughter for 14 years before she decided to go to highschool and it is the top school in the state. I have set up pay on-line bills, but my husband does the food shopping . I have a bank acount for the impulsive spending and two other his and savings account. I don't drink or use drugs. I do go out with my friend to the city and hang out usually to walk around , eat, listen to music.; and right now hate his girlfriend because she is scared of our friendship and has hung up on me when I called him without saying even hello. Frankly it is taking everything I have right now to keep going off on her; and I am sure he doesn't know she did this. I love football , NASCAR and MUSIC!!!! (mostly hard rock, Jazz and classical) I love motorcycles nad will go with my friend out on the bike any time he asked. My husband doesn't like that I have so many male friends but he does know that I can't be a typical female; and I don't cheat on him. I am very creative and will write or paint.

I guess it up to you to figure what you will accept from ADHD mates; and those who have endured violence it not ADHD that is doing this. Your husband is abuser and it not your fault if he hurts himself if you leave him . It is up to you not to tolerate his abuse ; you are teaching your children it is okay. If he was to kill himself that is the biggest cop out ; and to threaten you with this is horrendous . Call 911 if he hits you or threatens to kill himself it may be the biggest service you do for him. It will force him to get the help he needs. I was told it will be up to me decide what I will tolerate; and it is up to me how I will choose to respond.

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Because I can and do see how some of my behaviors can be extremely annoying, anger producing etc. However i worked on myself alot and figure I am the one who has the control of my life; and my husbands can not ever blame me for how he really feels. What I mean is he responsible for his reactions and how he thinks about what ever. I always had marched to my own drum; and still after 24 years of marriage will do my own thing. Most of friends are guys because I understand their nature more then I understand females. We as couple actually turned our lives around and my husband stayed home ; and I went out to work because it was decided he better at keeping the house then I am, I hate routines ;and don't know where to begin if I have too much on my hands. We homeschooled my daughter for 14 years before she decided to go to highschool and it is the top school in the state. I have set up pay on-line bills, but my husband does the food shopping . I have a bank acount for the impulsive spending and two other his and savings account. I don't drink or use drugs. I do go out with my friend to the city and hang out usually to walk around , eat, listen to music.; and right now hate his girlfriend because she is scared of our friendship and has hung up on me when I called him without saying even hello. Frankly it is taking everything I have right now to keep going off on her; and I am sure he doesn't know she did this. I love football , NASCAR and MUSIC!!!! (mostly hard rock, Jazz and classical) I love motorcycles nad will go with my friend out on the bike any time he asked. My husband doesn't like that I have so many male friends but he does know that I can't be a typical female; and I don't cheat on him. I am very creative and will write or paint.

I guess it up to you to figure what you will accept from ADHD mates; and those who have endured violence it not ADHD that is doing this. Your husband is abuser and it not your fault if he hurts himself if you leave him . It is up to you not to tolerate his abuse ; you are teaching your children it is okay. If he was to kill himself that is the biggest cop out ; and to threaten you with this is horrendous . Call 911 if he hits you or threatens to kill himself it may be the biggest service you do for him. It will force him to get the help he needs. I was told it will be up to me decide what I will tolerate; and it is up to me how I will choose to respond.

Quote

Because I can and do see how some of my behaviors can be extremely annoying, anger producing etc. However i worked on myself alot and figure I am the one who has the control of my life; and my husbands can not ever blame me for how he really feels. What I mean is he responsible for his reactions and how he thinks about what ever. I always had marched to my own drum; and still after 24 years of marriage will do my own thing. Most of friends are guys because I understand their nature more then I understand females. We as couple actually turned our lives around and my husband stayed home ; and I went out to work because it was decided he better at keeping the house then I am, I hate routines ;and don't know where to begin if I have too much on my hands. We homeschooled my daughter for 14 years before she decided to go to highschool and it is the top school in the state. I have set up pay on-line bills, but my husband does the food shopping . I have a bank acount for the impulsive spending and two other his and savings account. I don't drink or use drugs. I do go out with my friend to the city and hang out usually to walk around , eat, listen to music.; and right now hate his girlfriend because she is scared of our friendship and has hung up on me when I called him without saying even hello. Frankly it is taking everything I have right now to keep going off on her; and I am sure he doesn't know she did this. I love football , NASCAR and MUSIC!!!! (mostly hard rock, Jazz and classical) I love motorcycles nad will go with my friend out on the bike any time he asked. My husband doesn't like that I have so many male friends but he does know that I can't be a typical female; and I don't cheat on him. I am very creative and will write or paint.

I guess it up to you to figure what you will accept from ADHD mates; and those who have endured violence it not ADHD that is doing this. Your husband is abuser and it not your fault if he hurts himself if you leave him . It is up to you not to tolerate his abuse ; you are teaching your children it is okay. If he was to kill himself that is the biggest cop out ; and to threaten you with this is horrendous . Call 911 if he hits you or threatens to kill himself it may be the biggest service you do for him. It will force him to get the help he needs. I was told it will be up to me decide what I will tolerate; and it is up to me how I will choose to respond.

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