Hi Princesa:

Welcome to the ADDitude forums and thank you for your post. I really feel for you as you try to do what's best for your son while battling his father... how exhausting. Here's one idea that you might want to consider: Not all ADHD treatment is reliant on medication; you can also treat symptoms with alternative ADHD treatments like behavior therapy, fish oil, nutrition, etc.

These are all low-cost, non-medical interventions that you can start trying right now. Oftentimes, they work best with medication, but it really can't hurt to try. You might also want to talk to your ex about the importance of routines and suggest that he start enacting the same behavior therapy, etc. at his house so that your son has some consistency.

Finally, I still think you should seek a formal ADHD diagnosis for your son. Perhaps your son's doctor could speak with his father about the importance of treatment so that all the pressure is not on you?

Good luck! And let us know what happens...

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Princesa978 said: Hi everyone, I am in a dilemma & don't know what to do: my ex-husband & I have been separated for almost 6 years & our son, who is 7, is having a difficult time in school & at my home. he only sees his dad 2 times a month.

I got him into therapy because he was acting up at school as well as home, the therapist has been seeing him for about 2 months now, I gave his teachers the O'Connor scale, then the therapist diagnosed him with ADHD & wants to start him on meds. I did not tell his father about him seeing this therapist because he thinks our son walks on water & has no problems at all; it's all my fault.

so anyways i tried to tell his father about our son seeing the therapist & he flipped out stating his son was not going to take meds & he'll take me to court to fight it, he was going to call the Dept of Social Services because he claims our son doesn't do anything at his house, he acts like an angel, etc,...... then i tried to remain calm & explain to him that the teachers did a survey type of thing about our son & rated him on a scale & his father stated the teachers "are throwing his son under a bus" & they are all liars!

i'm in tears right now cause i cannot deal with this, every time we have to do something regarding our son he makes it soooooo difficult! i honestly sometimes feel like giving my ex sole custody & to be done with it all, i know that sounds mean but i cannot picture dealing with my ex for another 11 years, he thinks everything he says is right & everyone is against him, when we were getting a divorce he blackmailed me into agreeing for lesser child support or he would start bringing up things from the past & making problems for me now, he basically does whatever he wants & if it cant be done he will do it anyway! im so lost, i dont know who to turn to or what to do? why bother doing or saying anything cause when it comes down to it my ex will just get what he wants one way or another.

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I too have been here. Here's what I did... I had convinced my ex husband to spend much more time with her. Take her with him to the grocery store, out to dinner at a sit down restraunt and any other things I could think of. I had his mother babysit her a time or two. Doing these things and spending more time with her opened his eyes BIG TIME. Although I had gone behind his back and did the meds anyway which really benefitted her at school... also found a great school for kids with ADHD for her... great counselor who sees her at our home and school (got him involved with that too)... the fact that he now "gets it" makes things so much easier. BTW, he thought she was an angel too until he got her off the couch at his house and started taking her out to do things... she is an angel (dont get me wrong) but she would get so pumped up outside of the house.

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thanks for the reply, but it wont work, it doesnt want to take his son more, believe me i asked! I mean I dont want to be negative but he is a bad father, he never wants to see his son & says to me he doesnt need to take him more cause theres NOTHING wrong with him, argh! he is just the type of person that Always thinks what he does or thinks is right! im just going to get him on meds anyways. we just went to court for child support also & he got screwed, he wanted to only pay $100 a week but the judge made him pay $172 a week so now hes on a rampage anyways, haha. making me problems cause hes mad he has to pay this much a week cause in his world he thinks $100 is enough a week, ehhhhh! sometimes i ask myself why did I eva marry him? hahah.

anyways THANKS for the info! im def going to proceed & try to not let him know & if he brings me to court then be it, i guess?

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Go ahead and treat your child how your doctor recommends, and don't worry about what your ex thinks. If and when he decides to go thru with his bluff to take you to court, all you will need to do is bring the evaluation results and possibly a letter from your doctor, indicating the recommended treatment. Bring a couple of articles on the effects of non-treated ADHD. And lastly, use your ex's minimal involvement in his son's life to illustrate the fact that your ex cannot make a legitimate decision on whether medication is needed or not, because he does not interact with him on a frequent basis.

Whatever you do, don't let this bully scare you. Do what is best for your son - and trust your instincts.... you DO know best!

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I have full custody so medically I've had to do what is best. My ex doesn't believe there's such a thing as ADHD, vehemently opposes medication, and though our divorce court order says he must give him his meds when he has him or I can take action, he doesn't give it to him (ie summer vacation). My son now age 10 showed ADHD from Kindergarten. We tried natural methods but by 2nd grade his behavior was out of control. I offer this. If you have worked with his school, teachers, counselors, babysitters who all have witnessed the ADHD you have corroborators. We moved and switched schools and the teachers/principal saw him at his worst inbetween meds/switching doctors and the difference when he went back on the Ritalin. The characteristics have not changed but my ex will still not accept it. If you need the permission to get the meds, then yes go with natural but I tried it and it does help but doesn't nearly take the edge off that pharma meds provide. Because I have also records from neurologist, counselors, psychiatrist my ex couldn't argue otherwise if he wanted to try. What I then do not have however is ex's support or backing, and he will tell my son he's fine, "it's ok", it's not you, nothing wrong with you etc. I realize I cannot do it alone so fortunately now go with him for weekly therapy sessions where my son is learning the internal tools to control his impulses. I have charts galore from reward/token charts, to our "yell/explode tracking chart" to chore charts to his lists/journals. He's getting to an age that he will need to himself figure it out as school and kids taunting around him will only get worse. My son is textbook "oppositional defiant disorder" in June article from this site and we read it together. I want him to know what could happen (the consequences if we can't control this later on.. from running away, harming others, etc etc) and what is ok and not ok. Don't look anymore for help but from those you can get support, work with his teachers and schools especially so they know you recognize and are working with your child.

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Hello my dear, reading your situation took me back about 10+yrs. My son is now 19 and the sogga continues. I did everything I could to protect my son and fought the fight for years and it doesn't seem to have done any good. If you donot feel that your son is in danger going with his father, then as hard as it is for you it might be the best thing in the world to allow him to stay with his father for a few years so that Daddy can see things for himself. Then, you can spoil him on his visits and be the "good guy" again. I encourage you to still stay in touch and don't throw up your hands up or completely give up custudy. Some day he will need you again but using up your energy fighting his father is not helping you or him. Of course I don't know the whole situation but want to encourage you to take the emotion out of it long enough to realize this is not forever and you will get through it and so will your son. Blessing to you....

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It sounds like, even if you have joint legal custody, you alone have "physical" custody of your child. Am I correct? Go back and reread your settlement papers and look at the wording they used. If you have physical custody, that means YOU have the final decision when it comes to medical, school, whatever. You legally have to "run it by" your ex and let him know what's going on, but technically you get the final say-so in what happens to your child. He can just suck it.

Believe me, I know what you're going through. My ex sounds just like that. He tried to be all imposing and bully me around. After the divorce, our son was the only thing he had to "hold over my head" anymore, so he still tries to "use" him as a way to control me. I fixed his wagon though, with the physical custody. Lucky for me, I anticipated his behavior and set up the custody papers so that I would be in control when the time came to make important decisions.

If you need to, take his butt to court. Don't wait for him to make the first move. If your son has been diagnosed by a legitimate doctor, and you have it documented that he needs the medication, then you can sure as heck take him to court and he will have to pay all your legal fees. That should send him a big wake-up call that you are no longer his b*h and he doesn't have control over you any more. He won't like it, but sometimes these exes need a legal middle finger and a huge bill to get the point across.

Sorry, but the truth is, he is not arguing with you because he has your child's best interest at heart. He is arguing with you because he wants to make you "wrong," he wants to make you the "bad guy," he wants to make you doubt yourself, and he enjoys the fact that he can still control you even after you have left the marriage. Don't let him do this. Take the bull by the horns and fight for your child.

EDIT: As far as letting your ex take over custody of your child...I wouldn't for this reason: Why did your marriage end? Why were you unhappy with this man? Why aren't you with him anymore? Do you really want your child to have THAT as a daily example growing up? Do you think you should let your child be subjected to the same kind of treatment you were subjected to? (And he will) A few days at a time may seem okay to your child, but do you really want your child to be molded and trained by a first class jerk? Your child will either grow up acting just like that, or marry the same type of person you made the mistake of marrying. You have your child. You can raise your child to be kind and loving. Please don't give that up because you are afraid or feel bullied. Be strong for your child!

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