I feel your pain more than you will know. I have the same situation at my house. My son is now 17 and it has been very difficult. My husband and son have been battling for years and once it came down to an awful physical confrontation. I had to threaten to call the police. It was only once but it caused my son so much trauma that he began to act out and soon began coming undone. I got him in counseling right away but he disengaged from school etc. It's been two years and things still aren't back to normal. Make sure your husband and son gets counseling ASAP. If your husband won't, you will need to think long and hard about your relationship. It is your responsiblity to take care of your son and that means protection against long term emotional or physical abuse. I know this puts the burden on you but if I had to do again I would not let it continue. There is no easy answer but please don't just let it go thinking it will get better. It only gets harder as they become teenagers. I'll say a prayer for you.

Quote

I;m sorry that you are having such a hard time with your husband over your son. I am too. My husband is not military but we still grew up in a place and time where kids did not answer back etc and he is having a hard time dealing with this. Ironically, he first brought up the idea that our son might have ADD and I was the one who didn;t want him 'labeled'. Now that I have accepted the diagnosis and am trying to do what it takes to help our son, my husband is the one who loses his temper, doesn't want to talk about things etc.

What I realized is that they have a lot of the same traits and I am thinking that might be at the root of some of his anger toward him. They are both disorganized in different aspects of their lives yet my husband has little empathy for why our son forgets his homework or can't find stuff!

I have seen the in your face agression too and it upsets me but I would be careful about handling that because the 'system' can start and you can't get off, even if you want to. On the other hand, you don't want your child hurt especially by someone trained in the military who has the ability to inflict real damamge if he so chooses!

Do you have anyone who can talk calmly to either both of you or to your husband? Sometimes the fear of seeing what their child is going through and their own helplessenss might be part of what stirs those angry reactions, or like in my case, possibly seeing themselves in a way they may be trying to fight themselves.

It's a difficult challenge and I have good days and bad but we have to hang in there for the sake of our kids. This morning, I said I would not talk for a while because I was so upset with my son for missing assignements, talking back and my hubby for threatening to send him overseas to boarding school instead of facing the issues and spending more time with him. Then I saw your message... Please hang in there and talk to your husband again when he calms down and remind him that the boys look up to their dads to learn how to react to challenges.

Quote

Goodness, thanks to both of you! I'm so happy that you took the time to reply, and I'm sorry you're also finding yourselves in this situation.

My husband decided last night that he feels its best if he leaves the household-though I don't think that is a long term solution. Yes, I have been reluctant to get any county services involved because I don't want a snowball effect to take hold in that only further tears my family apart. At this time, I do feel my son is safe, but I need to take measures to keep it that way.

I've scheduled a meeting with our pediatrician in hopes that she'll be able to explain to my husband that this is a physiological disorder-something DS can't control. And, maybe she'll be able to give us parenting tips and direction for getting continued help in parenting him.

The heartbreaking thing, of course, is that my son loves his dad with every fiber in his little body and I see the PAIN in DS's eyes when his dad doesn't approve of him. I see the pain cross his face every time his dad says something spiteful and hurtful to him, and he is timid to approach his dad for anything.

Thanks again. I will be sure to post an update as soon as I have anything to share. I'm hoping to get our appointment bumped up before the holiday-so we'll see.

Take care, everyone!

Lisa

Quote

Hi Lisa:

Thank you so much for sharing your story - I know many people here also have stories of battling with spouses who don't (or won't) understand ADHD and it helps to share our experiences and advice... Along those lines, my first suggestion would be to find a local ADHD support group that you could join. It's only a matter of time before you start to crack under the pressure of this fighting, and you're the glue holding everything together right now! A support group can really help parents cope... you can usually find one through your local chapter of CHADD.

Second, I'm going to pass along some articles that I think could help you talk about ADHD with your husband...

Getting Dad To Understand

Silencing Skeptics: The Truth About ADHD and LD

7 Myths About ADHD... Debunked!

The Power of Praise: ADHD Parenting Done Right

local/adhd/article/707.html:"Why Boys with ADHD Need Their Dads"

and more parenting tips...

I hope this helps!

Quote

I have two sons, and one takes after the inattentive ADHD from my late husband's family and the other takes after the hyperactive ADHD from my family. The behavior you describe reminds me a lot of my hyperactive ADHD dad, who would "wig out" whenever we kids were imperfect in some way. It took me years to recover from that stuff. My mom never did much of anything; she was too scared, and that disappointed me. So, first of all, you're doing the right thing by flagging the offense, but second of all, you're going to have to find a way to sit down your husband and let him know, in no uncertain terms, that his behavior is unacceptable. You probably don't need to tell him the full truth, which is likely that his son inherited his ADHD from him because that will spin things out of control. But you need to understand that this is probably what's going on. You've got to manage 2 ADHD males: husband and son. It's interesting, once we kids left home, my dad turned his reactive angry ADHD habits toward my mom. She always sort of thought it really WAS just us kids, but she found out in her 50s that this was something "in" my dad. Every time I visited them, he'd be yelling at her. She turned to me a few years ago, and I suggested to her that she do with my dad what I had to do with my hyperactive ADHD son: Ignore the temper tantrums and tell him when he's having one: "When you're ready to communicate in a respectful manner, I'm here to listen. Until then, I will either leave/go to do a chore in another part of the house or you should go 'cool off' in your room. There will no privileges for you until you apologize to me and until you discuss this with me in a respectful manner." My mother started doing some of that with my dad, and I understand it has been working. She accepts that she has a husband with a disability. Also, we kids all learned that we simply cannot stay at the family home and need to stay at a hotel when we visit because our dad cannot handle the "overstimulation" of lots of people and unpredictability in his house. Those actions by his own kids got my dad to turn around his behavior more too. My last two visits have been free of "dad tantrums." (BTW my dad loved his stint in the military...the military seems to attract this hyperactive ADHD type.) My son is now a teen, and boy-oh-boy can he be oppositional, stubborn, and self-defeating, but again, it's like arm-wrestling. When I collapse in tears or anger, I've lost the fight, but when I resist quietly, inform him that communications and attention for him are now shut down, and figure out the privilege to remove, he comes around in a day or two. It's a bumpy ride, but I am managing, and you can manage too. With hyperactive ADHD boys and men, it's up to the non-ADHD women in the house to hold the line. They're acting like bullies on the playground and you need to step in and discipline them. Just remember this: A lot of their behavior is motivated by the desire for drama and excitement, so if you give in to it and act excitable, you're encouraging the "fix." But if you withhold the drama and excitement and respond with self-control and, further, if you surgically identify--and remove--the incentives that motivate them, it works like magic. They calm down and they don't even know why. You've effectively removed the adrenalin fix and they can now function normally. That's how you can gain the upper hand with this unruly bunch.

Quote

I'm so glad I found this site and blog. I have the same situation with my son and husband. Yesterday father and son had another big blow out that got physical. There have been a few over the years. It's a relief to know there are other mothers going through similar experiences. My son is 13. My husband really (like the military dad) feels he needs to "strong arm" him and that it's the right way to handle it. Each time I step in it breaks down my marriage a bit more, which has otherwise been strong. I'm pretty much at the point of counseling or a lawyer.

Quote

I realize this is almost a month later than your original posting but I felt the need to reply. After 15 years of marriage to a "controlling" man with two sons - the oldest son has been diagnosed with ADHD/Anxiety/ODD/OCD - I have realized how very much alike our oldest son and his father are in their handling of events and people. As a Social Work student, and also over the years of professional treatment and counseling for our son it has come to my attention that my very reliable, if somewhat fussy, husband fits the mold for Oppositional Defiant Disorder based on the criteria for behaviors and diagnosis. He has not been officially diagnosed because he will not seek treatment, and most of the issues began when our sons hit the ages of puberty and are, as expected, trying to test their independence. However, we are at the "crisis" point - like you and your family - where something must be done! As an adult with ADD which was undiagnosed in my earlier childhood, I can easily understand where our oldest son is "coming from" when he doesn't comply with chores, etc. He'll get them done - when he remembers! However, since my husband wants them done "right this minute" it never goes well. Nevertheless, I am hopeful that with upcoming attempts at family counseling we can re-train their brains (haha) with more positive behaviors and reactions to frustrating situations, and especially people of authority. We must regain a pleasant home atmosphere and build stronger, loving relationships for all of us.

Quote

I think there are a lot of us here who see the traits we're trying to control in our kids also reflected in the spouse (or even ourselves) that is likely undiagnosed ADD. There are some good links on this site about relationships and ADHD, but when a marriage or children's wellbeing is at stake, counseling really ought to be tried.

Here's another site that is mostly dedicated to helping adult relationships weather the ADD "storms": http://adhdrollercoaster.org/

Quote

I approached this problem as seeing a counselor for our son, but the whole family needed to attend. It is VITAL to your son's welfare that you get him to a counselor. It made a huge difference with my husband. We saw a male counselor because I thought my son would relate to a man better-I also hoped my hubby would too. My husband has stopped trying to be physical with our son. He now sees that ADHD kids need positive encouragement and that he must remain calm or our son will explode as well. He did not see that he was actually encouraging the bad behavior by modeling it. He does raise his voice, if need be, but it is not a yell, just a tone change. I hope you all get help for your families. It is hard for men to soften and they may have been raised the same way. They need tons of support and encouragement. It is hard for them to accept any kind of weakness in their kids and it may even remind them of their own weaknesses as a child. Be patient, but make them understand they need to see the counselor with you and the child. I went to my first session alone(with just my ADHD son) and then told my husband we should go as a family. ADHD kids have it hard enough, they should not have to suffer abuse on top of all of their other challenges. They can make you want to pull your hair out though! Good Luck!

Quote

I too feel your pain on a daily basis. I am terribly sorry for your circumstances. My husband and I MUST work as a tag team when these episodes occur wherever and whenever it occurs. We have asked many times who needs to be commited him or US ???? When these episode occur it is so VERY frustrating and it is all too hard to remember sometimes that it is the disorder NOT the child. I can only begin to understand why and how the thoughts of abuse go through anyones head who has an ADHD child. It is unconceivable how one minute your child is doing well and the next minute he is in complete "melt down mode" What I find difficult is that this disorder is too silent and there is plenty of support for our childern ie: teachers, counselors, parents, psychologists, psyciatrists etc but no counseling for the parents who have to raise and nuture these childern. This disorder is tearing families apart, siblings are suffering and yet there is not enough awarenss or help for the childern or sometimes more importantly the families it effects. Without going on and on one thing that has helped for us that you may want to discuss with your doctors. When these "meltdowns" effect my son (10yr) sometimes we have to dose him with a shorter acting stimulant (ritalin) to even out his mood until the end of the day. My son is also in sports which require him to focus longer then the 8-9 hours that most long acting medication is intended to work. My son sounds alike like yours he is unbearable to be around unmedicated. (That makes me so sad to say). I unfortunately know what you are going through! God Bless you and your family.

Quote

My now-ex husband is exactly the same way-completely denying the diagnosis of ADHD and SID, despite many doctors and therapists concurring, and completely sure that spanking is the answer, and my lack of spanking is the cause. My ex has ADD and ODD and is passive aggressive and a people-pleaser. He just cannot see our son's reaction to being spanked-it takes me months to get my son back on track!

A year ago, my ex left our then 9-yr-old alone in his car in a Costco parking lot for 1 1/2 hours. The next day my son told me, then he spent almost a week hitting and kicking me, screaming at me, etc. Finally I got him to his therapist. My son denied being scared, but after talking to the therapist, he calmed down and quit abusing me.

My son took our divorce hard-it really sucks for kids. Here in Arizona, special needs aren't considered in any court decision. But, 1 1/2 years later, I'm convinced it was the right decision. The kids don't hear me being denigrated daily, they aren't listening to their father denigrating them and their brother daily, and they are shielded from the daily chaos their dad caused. They don't hear his denigrations of his "friends" daily. They are still subject to his lying when they visit him, but it's not daily now. Both boys are much calmer than they were before the divorce. My blood-pressure is down, and I feel better also.

In addition to the usual therapists, we see an accupuncturist who uses NET and EFT. He has helped the kids "get over" the sad aspects of their lives in a way the psychotherapists haven't.

My brother is autistic. He beat all 4 of his kids daily. Now age 19-24, the kids are majorly screwed-up failures. I think it's very important to get a spanker out of the house for the kids' well-being. You can threaten to keep him from seeing the kids at all if he spanks them, to try and protect them from what is really violence.

Best of luck with a lousy situation! I hope a therapist can help your husband see himself. But if not, don't let him move back in. I was glad when my mom divorced my violent father. I remember thinking "wahoo!" when I heard he was going to be moving out. I still get very sad when I remember what my ex promised when we got engaged, and what he delivers now.

Quote

Hi, Just wanted to add that I am with you ladies; my dh is ex military also, and he and my 15yo have major issues, especially with one another. Both have a dx of bipolar, in addition to my ds' 8th grade dx of ADHD. I was able to avoid many problems by homeschooling my ds, but eventually dh made him go to PS, and my ds wanted that because he thought it was the homeschooling that made him have no friends (looking back, it was his anger, mood swings, and lack of social skills due to ADHD and bipolar, NOT homeschooling that made life tuff for him). My dh has been emotionally abusive and somewhat physically abusive. He always defends himself saying that ds and the rest of us "push" him with bad behavior, etc. We have had other adults say that he is justified, even cops who have had to come out and they tell dh he can "defend family and property" by manhandling, even hitting our ds.

COming down off Vyvanse was very hard on ds. He acted WILD. I think the whole stimulant experience began triggering bipolar symptoms. It runs strongly in our family, but the dr didn't ask that when he dxed ADHD.

Quote

This is my frist reply to anything or anyone on the web. I would like to bless all of you for your strength. I'm 43, ADHD mom in a blended family. I thought I could fix anything if I just tried hard enough.

No one can fix everything. It was a hard lesson I learn. After my divorce in 1997, 5 jobs, 4 moves - I was finally diagonsed with ADHD. No matter what happens don't give up. If you don't know what to do, ask for help. I know how hard it is to ask, but you have to advocate for your children.

This site is wonderful, but it is not the only thing. If you have a issue with school - look into other opinions like charter schools.

God Bless

Quote

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all your replies and for sharing your own personal struggles. We've had some beneficial developments on the homefront, but nothing that makes me feel totally at peace just yet.

DH agreed to meet with our son's Dr so he can hear first-hand about ADD and how to best deal with it. DH has taken suggestions and advice to heart and has been more level-headed and calm with DS than I have ever seen him. We also enacted a 'no-spank' policy in our home, which has been wonderful!

DH has also done a lot with our son, but lately he has been making a point to take him fishing more, to be more involved with DS at Boy Scouts and doing homework with him every night. I can see a change in how DS reacts to his dad because he is more willing to do his chores when DH asks him too, to do his homework, etc.

Our pediatrician just counseled us on long-term planning for DS's ongoing ADD care and what to expect as he ages and grows over this next year. All in all, I'm glad that DH is taking a proactive approach and has made positive changes! I'm still a bit wary, though, as to whether or not it will last (I'm sure you know the feeling. lol)

Thanks again, so much, for sharing your stories and helping me through this. I'll try and pop in more often and maybe someday, will have some helpful advice, too!

Lisa

Quote

That is wonderful, Lisa : ) Best wishes to you, and keep after him to make these changes become a real habit. It's hard, and takes a lot of practice. It is so worth it, though!

Quote

Lisa--One approach might be to hire an ADHD coach to support you and your son, and develop strategies that will work with your family. There is a certain amount of education that would help to get your husband to be open to a different approach, and a coach who will listen to his perspective, and THEN educate about ADHD, might make a difference for you all.

Quote

That your son is not a bad kid but that his neurotransmitters are out of balance making him have issues with behavior. Its a downward spiral out of control as the state that your son is in makes him unable to cope with the pressures from his father. The more pressures the worse his chemical balance will become. Stress neurotransmitters and hormones are what the call the fight or flight response chemicals. Your son is walking around with elevated stressors and is ready to act out at anytime out of his control. You can actually deplete his ability to deal with stress from his adhd and from his father. Thing just get worse then.

Here is another Post I made for your reference:

There is Nutritional Help

You can learn alot from

http://www.holistichealth.com

and from

https://www.neurorelief.com/

One thing to remember is that dont pressure a child that has neurotransmitter imbalances as they dont have the ability to cope with it till they get their balance back. One might think that they are just like any other kid so you treat them the same. Our son was very impulsive , we had his neurotransmitters tested and found out he was walking around in a constant state of stress as his stress neurotransmitters/Hormones were very high so he was primed for a fight or flight stress response at any moment and it was the reason for his impulsiveness. If you or the school is trying to be stricter on them as a way to cure them its going to send them into a downward spiral as being not able to cope only backs the imbalance worse and once you have elevated stress neurotransmitters it takes around 9 months to get them lowered.

One you get a neurotransmitter test done and figure out what ones are high and what ones are low you can get on a supplement regimine to balance tings out but it takes time.

Another thing is the stress over time causes issues with cortisol. As Cortisol is a limiter to stress. But after a awhile from the constant stress from the hyper activity and pressures to be a good kid a child will become not sensitive to cortisol anymore as constant high levels of cortisol de-sensitizes the receptors to cortisol. Not getting a regular good nights sleep and having a regular bed time every night is important as cortisol has diurnnal variation as its on a body clock and cycles to different levels thru out the day. If thats off then trouble controlling stress responses as in impulsive behaviors is an issue. People take PhosphitidylSerine to help make the body sensitive to cortisol again. Magnesium is another good one. One more thing is that Cortisol production can get weak from the over use and levels of cortisol can then get very low , put that on top of poor sensitivity and you got problems.

There is lots to learn and the websites above have alot of information on how the body works in reference to ADHD.

Quote

I have been at both ends of a similar struggle, coming from an abusive family and having abusive tendencies. I urge you to pray about your situation and be patient. Also, getting you and your kids involved in the local church will be very beneficial. Your husband also needs to see a positive example in you in order for him to turn himself around. As long as the lines of communication are open, be willing to work with him.

Quote

My DH has had the most struggle dealing with DS's diagnosis. (He's active duty military, second generation.) DD was diagnosed years ago, but has always been "different" because she was born with a congenital syndrome. Raising our son with ADHD and GAD has been the most difficut thing we've ever done together. And it has also brought us closer together. We started with the psychiatrist when DS had an adverse reaction to stim meds. DS was thoroughly tested, and found to have GAD as well as ADHD. Then he started therapy, and I would go to therapy with him, and his sisters at times, too. Then DH started going, he has no patience with DS and just didn't believe in ADHD or anxiety. He would yell and expect him to behave to unrealistic expectations and get upset and cause so much discord in the evenings at home. Kicking him out even entered my mind. Then he went to more therapy sessions with us, and we went as a family, including my mom, who lives with us and takes care of the kids when I'm at work. This really helped us all get on the same page and convinced DH that ADHD and GAD are real. (You'd think after I was diagnosed that he would have gotten the hint!) LOL Now, DH and I also go to couples counseling, which is really helping us to connect and deepen our commitment to one another and to our family. Are things perfect? No, but they sure have come a long way, and we are constantly learning how to best help our kids reach their potential. DS has just started OT and we are very excited to find another way to help him! Our faith has brought us through all of this, and I know that God won't give us more than we can handle. I just sometimes wish He just didn't trust me us much! God bless,

Quote

doesn't deal with his anger issues ; and keep his hands off your son. He will land up in jail and most states require a 48 month served before parole. You will need to call 911 if he ever becomes physical with your child again because it is our responsibility to protect our children. Speak to your husband when your son isn't home and talk to him about the ramfications if this is to occur ever again. If your child is being defiant find out what he was doing before a request was asked , how many things he was told to do before the request was made. I use to go crazy when my husband would say to my daughter clean your room ; and two seconds later feed the dogs, take out the garabage. How I asked is she suppose to do it all in a few minutes ; and finally got him to say what he wanted her to do first and finish last that way there wasn't any conflict. It may be that his mood was carried home from school and he hasn't been able to figure what going on in his own head yet. Many ADD/ADHD have short fuses when told do something ; and will melt down espesically if engaged into something else.;and our symptoms will rage back when the medication has worn off. The chores what are they and is possible to pay him alittle money so he can buy something he wants. If no then if chores need to be done is it too boring, to something that he is balking find out the why before flying off the handle Realize this by your husband especially if he was a officier can help change his stagic manuevers. He has to realize he ex-navy and his son is not a sailor . As far your counselor they sound fine snice they are specialist. Quote:

LisaEMT said: I must admit that I'm hesitant to even post about this, but I'm so happy to have found this forum, that I feel if I don't post, I may be losing out on some really valuable advice.

First, let me say that I know we need professional help for the problem I'm about to relay, but finding it here in our tiny town is a challenge. I will be working on finding resources aggressively tomorrow.

I am in complete crisis-mode right now with my husband and our 9 y/o ADHD son. My son has been on Vyvanse for almost 2 years and it is a lifesaver for him academically. However, at un-medicated times, and sometimes when he is medicated, the oppositional symptoms really come to life and he is defiant, loud, rude, inherently hyper and won't listen to anything you have to say. This gets worse when it comes time to do chores-the same chores he always does, and always acts up over.

So, my husband who is very strict and orderly (ex-Navy officer) completely can not handle it when our son acts this way. My husband gets so irate and irrational over my son's behavior that he is often very physical with him. To me, his physical 'punishments'-grabbing, spanking, dragging, etc-border on abuse.

Tonight was a complete blow-out of my son refusing to do dishes and throwing a boot across the room, and my husband lunging at him, grabbing him by the shirt and screaming at him. I had to pry my son out of my husband's arms in fear that he would escalate this into something much, much worse. This is the second time ever that my husband has lost complete control over his emotions when DS acted out against the 'rules.'

I am afraid that my husband is going to physically-and emotionally-hurt my child and I simply can't let this happen. Because my husband thinks that 'a good whipping' will cure DS of his defiance, and he doesn't really want to work with me on gentler ways of getting DS to cooperate, I am prepared to leave the house and my marriage, after 15 years.

First, has anyone else experienced a spouse who reacted this way to your ADHD child? I know that I have lost my cool more times that I can count, but to see it get this much worse in our family...I just can't allow this to happen.

Secondly, who is a better professional to see for something like this? A family counselor, a medical doctor...? My son currently sees a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner/MD combo whom are both ADHD specialists, and I plan to call them tomorrow.

In the meantime, is there anything I can do to enlighten my husband to DS's condition and the ramifications of being so harsh with him? Not that I think my husband will listen-I tried talking to him tonight and all he did was blame the whole scenario on DS.

I will be taking action, but I welcome any advice or experiences you care to share.

Thanks so much,

Lisa

Quote