4better...First, let me say I feel for you, and am genuinely sorry you are where you are. I suffer from ADHD and was diagnosed 6.5 years into a 9.5 year marriage. I feel that ADHD, and depression, played a major role in the failure of my marriage. Although I am the ADHD sufferer, and my wife was the ADHD sufferee, I did see how my ADHD affected her life...our life.

I think the best piece of advice I can offer is to get educated on ADHD, and it's role in relationships. I bought a book for me and my wife, and was hurt that she didn't read it, despite my asking her to. The book was A.D.D. and Romance and I'm pasting a link below. (I have nothing to do with Amazon or the author...I'm just providing the link as an aid.) http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/087833209X

Here are a couple of things to think about...

- Emotional aspect of ADHD...ADHD doesn't stop at an inability to focus. There are plenty of accompanying emotional aspects that you might want to keep in mind. I know that for myself, I also battle depression and that appears to be common among people with ADHD.

- He's sick...It's hard to think this way, but something you might want to consider is that ADHD is an illness and your husband is indeed sick. And, it's a cunning illness that affects your life together in many, many ways. I understand your frustration with his regimen not being as effective as you think it could be, and that needs to be addressed...perhaps in couples counseling?

- Support Groups...I know nothing about this, but perhaps there are support groups for people in your position. Obviously you're seeking support by posting here, and I'm guessing you did some research, as well, but maybe if you had support on this, you would be better equipped to do what's best for both of you?

I am not trying to take sides and tell you to give him a free pass on all of his behavior. You are in a tough position and only you can ultimately decide what needs to be done. But, I would encourage you to keep looking for answers and support.

I certainly wish you the best, and hope you find the right answer...it's a really tough spot to be in, I'm sure.

Wishing you both the best, Eric

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OK...give me a break...I do have ADHD.

I believe that not taking the meds on the weekends is a big no-no. There are benefits beyond 'being able to focus' that the meds provide. Namely, by feeling more in control, our anxiety level is decreased and it helps. I was told by my ADHD-friendly psychiatrist that I didn't have to take the meds on the weekends, or vacation-time, etc. I read something about what I described above and it proved to be true. I take it every day.

Also, you mentioned that he's happy with the meds, but you see only so-so results. If he's taking one of the amphetamines, the extended release works best, I've found, and have heard others say the same.

Best, Eric

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life in the brain of someone with ADD is like a pinball game. one hit of the flipper and you can be off in one direction, back around, bells and whistles going off, and eventually everything rolls back downhill. Another hit off the flipper and its all around the world again, at least for me.

I am 41, married to my 2nd wife for almost 5 years. I was diagonesed 3 months ago, going up to 30 mg adderall, wellbutrin, and seeing a great ADD coach. thank god. Unfortuately too late for this marriage.

My wife used to describe me as "peter pan" jokingly, earlly in our courtship. That joke is long since been funny. She resents being my mother / caretaker / enabler / fill in the blank - more than my partner.

sexual withholding is based in anger. you need to release that. ...Try to understand, to get a sense of what it is like inside your husbands head. Find a couples counselor who is familiar with add. many know if it, mostly with kids, so do your homework. Ours was focused on sex issues for her, and my ability to hold a job, not add, and we spent too many sessions going around in circles.

ADHD folk, generalizing here, are not great candidates for patient directed talk therapy- there is no action plan, and so we just go around and around and around.

it requires patience and a SOH to deal with ADD spouse. If your tapped out, seek the help of a professional trained in ADD, and make informed decisions about what to do next. asking questions here is a good step.

best of luck.

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Eric and Terry - Thank you both for your feedback and suggestions. I love the idea of couples counseling. We have actually tried that once but just like you said, he was pretty combative and all I heard afterwards was him repeating … “is this an acceptable behavior?” … “am I doing better” … etc, etc. There is no way I can sign-up for 24/7 performance evaluation on every single thing he says and does. I can’t be his ADHD coach. Unfortunately, I’ve been too consumed with school to put any effort towards finding someone else that might be better at helping him to evaluate his own behavior.

Eric, I’ll look at that book and order it if you say it’s that good.

I need to research support groups in the Dallas area before I resort to my own medication. I’m so glad that I have found this website though because I believe this will be a valuable resource for me!

Thanks again ya’ll!

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I'm listening to the tone of your post and, while it's obvious you're frustrated and at wit's end, you should really consider ending the marriage because you don't appear to have the temperament needed to cope. This is not to say you are the blame. It's just that being married to a spouse with ADHD means acceptance from the non-ADHD spouse of being like a parent/caretaker. With patience and willingness from the ADHD spouse, a medium can be established that works for both side, but it takes work, love and commitment. Despite the extra challenges, I can say that those of us who are ADHD posses enormous treasures that we are willing to share with those with the patience and acceptance to help us mine them.

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4Better: First of all let me say I completely understand what you are feeling. And I deal with this sort of problem from both sides; I have ADD and my husband has Type 1 Diabetes. Both are illness' that affect every area of our lives, individually and collectively as a couple. And the thing that has gotten us through over 4 years of marriage is patience and our faith in God. We have to constantly be patient with each other. Sometimes we just have expectations that the other can't fulfill at the moment, and we have to accept that and deal with it. For example; If I'm having a bad day he has to give me a little leeway, and if his bloodsugars are too high I have to make allowance for whatever his attitude might be. I think the most helpful thing for your marriage is probably patience and understanding of each other. And sometimes we as spouses need to realize that as people we are constantly changing, growing, maturing, or digressing. Change is a constant part of life and thngs will never just stay as they were when you got married, but with patience, understanding, and constant communication, and commitment I believe nothing is too big for any marriage to handle. You have to think about what you are willing to do to make your marriage work and talk to your husband about your feelings and be honest with him. Honesty is always the best policy no matter what situation you are in.

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