Lady, I hear ya! I do not have an answer and wish that I did. My guy seems to fall off the rails every three days, and I am at the end of my rope. I love him to death, and have done so much reading and talking to try to understand the reasons behind the behaviour....and I do understand, and I have forgave and forgot, so many times Now I need to decide if it is worth the constant battles. I sometimes feel that lessons learned are at my expense and my emotional/health well being. I guess you will need to make this decsion yourself, as do I......I do understand that this is not easy. I rad a book called the Gift of ADD, and I do believe it is a gift for someone who has it, it is the pitfalls, if not consistantly dealt with that hurt over and over and over again. No matter how hard or how much one tries to understand, the ADD/ADHD person does not realize how they hurt the one that loves the gift they have.

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Hi GoingNuts...

Oh, boy. Even in non-ADD marriages, communication is always the killer. When pride and stubbornness get into the mix, nobody wins. I wish I had some magic bullet, but the best I can offer is a few ADDitude articles specifically about communication in ADHD marriages...

Married to ADHD: Relationship Advice for You and Your Spouse

ADHD Relationship Advice: The Right Way to Fight

Re-Tie the Knot: ADHD Relationship Advice

Marriage Advice from ADHD Experts

Perhaps your husband would be willing to test-drive a few of these strategies with you? I hope this helps!

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It was interesting to read the articles addressing my problem, but it was FAR more interesting reading the comments from other readers. I don't know if it is depressing or encouraging to know that people have put up with the same sort of thing for decades. I've only had just over one, and I'm ready to jump off a bridge (not really) some days. One of our biggest communications problems is that I have a sense of humor, a stinging sarcastic wit at that. With a sense of guilt and a big ego, my spouse rarely appreciates any attempt to diffuse a situation with humor. He knows how to laugh, just not at himself!!

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Well I'm the ADD er in this relationship and my husband is not so maybe I can be the voice of your husband. You see when I screw up it is hard to hear from my husband that I did. Instead of being accusatory , it may help to really understand sometimes the traffic is bad; and things just don't go as planned . I easily roll with the punches than my husband so when it takkes two hours instead of one, I don't break a sweat about it. The blame game can and will ruin the relationship. If he feeling that you are correcting him (Judging him) he of course will become defensive. I know I do when I feel I am being blamed for things I have no control of. Actually I feel at times It is left to me to do so if it turns out wrong then it my fault. It is easily for the ADDer to feel picked on and that is proably is something he learned when he was young so he will make excuse or lie just so it can stop . I hate when I feel I am being treated as a child and someone else is trying to tell me what to do. And I bet so does he. It takes two to make the marriage it will take two destroy it. I would suggest to your husabnd for ease make it just a routine to put the keys in the same place so they are lost. And if you do move them then own up to it. I always had my own bank account so I would not screw up the bills to be paid. And I put them all on-line banking to make it just so much easier than remebering to write out a check and it put in the mail. Just remeber we all make mistake not just the ADDer. Don't ever let your child lose his respect for his father it will make it terrible for him and the child; fathers have so much to give that no matter how great a mother you just can't provide. Make sure he is taking his meds ; but remeber when they wear off you are a true to the symptoms the ADDer you always have been. I know when I got married I told my husband I hated to be home, clean (could never get it done) and if he wanted things to be done like so then he would have to do it. Just remember the fact of being perfect is impertfic in it consept because from the point of judging someones imperfection you can step out and not really be involved. I hope I can help and let me know how it going

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what type of couseling is it that he is doing? I am seperated, my wife calling all the shots, for so many past trangressions. Thankfully we both are better parents than partners, and are doing everything under the sun to make my young son's transition smooth.

couples counseing, at least my 16 month stab at it, resulted in polarized problems.. i had my complaint of choice, she had hers, and whenever things destablized, we went into our respective corners and came out swinging (figuratively, of course). If your couples counseling is the only counselor, you need to make changes.

I just got a great ADD coach, and essential to making any kind of real headway. coaching is very different than counseling, and why its important to make that distiction. My first "coach" was a phd and talked in terms of physical exercise and tackling only 2-3 things, and not worry about my spouse's thinking (in context of what our session was about). He was a great guy, helped me in the past deal with the death of my father at a young age, but not so helpful sort out my messy office.

My coach listens to me for 30 minutes, then assigns homework, asks me to bring in my day planner, pictures of my office at home, and works on solving those day to day issues, but is helping me make specific changes, redirections, and coping stradegies..

I have lived a life of rejection and failure. a seperation, a failure of a marriage,is tough. having the finger pointed at you and hearing... this is your fault for not...... (fill in the blank with any ADD attributable behavior) and walls go up, rejection or reminder of failure influences how we react... fight or flight... cornered animals...

I am being held responsible fully for the failure of the marriage, the cause for dreams to go unrealized, the creator of all sorts of domestic upheaval, and I don't own it all. unfortuately i am guilty of so many little mistakes along the way, it becomes the overridding trend, the enough is enough, youve said that before but it never sticks- view that i can no longer get past.

I have my own verisons of those scripts running in my head..blaming myself, cursing myself when i make yet another mistake, loose the keys again, miss a sales appointment, you name it., and the last thing i need / want is to be reminded of it.

what you call ego, might be just self preservation. a good defense is a strong offense... I'm not saying its right or wrong, just another viewpoint.

I wish you well.

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In this thread I see signs of people being in bad ruts - you need to break out of destructive patterns in order to get things to change. I'm guessing, as just one example, that "justasconfused" is in a pattern where her husband doesn't do something right and she "compensates" for him by doing it instead. She resents this, and they get into a fight about it. He resents the fight, so next time he has just a bit more motivation to not do the next thing himself because deep down he wants to "stick it to her" just a bit. She picks up the pieces again because she feels his behavior forces her to, and gets mad again.

But what would happen if she didn't pick up the pieces? If it's something that doesn't physically hurt her or put her at risk, why not? Would he eschew ALL responsibility forever? Probably not. Probably what would happen is that he would temporarily get worse, then decide she was serious and he really did need to step up to the plate, and would do so. This is the most likely outcome IF his wife is not punishing him, but rather doing this because she is acknowledging his "separateness", as well as her own.

I haven't described this too well, I'm afraid, but can suggest some reading that will help a lot and does so much better. It's a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. and she has much to say about how to get unstuck in relationships. She'll be the first to tell you this doesn't happen overnight, but her roadmap is a good one and reflects accurately what I've experienced in pulling my own ADD/non-ADD relationship back into the "in love" zone.

Melissa Orlov writes the "Your Marriage" column for ADDitude, as well as a blog about how ADHD affects relationships at http://www.adhdmarriage.com.

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ok. i posted a similar question, but it was cluttered with details and peripherals. Your question is mine. I don't have a problem with the disorganization, poor planning skills, etc. It's the always blaming it on someone else. We have 6 kids, so most of the time, if something is lost, then the kids get blamed for it. And we all look at each other, knowing that no one but my husband touched the object that he is looking for, and then we join in the search until it is found. And it can be in a place that only he could have gone with it, but he'll still blame it on the kids. When he leaves himself 5 minutes to get to an appointment that is located 20 minutes away and then comes back an hour later seething that he was over 15 minutes late and they wouldn't let him keep him appointment, so he had to make another one. i can roll with that. I can listen to him be upset, and not tell him "well, if you would have left on time. . . " I can sympathize with his frustration over daily events. I would like for him accept responsibility for it, but these things I can deal with.

And as long as I dont' raise an issue, ever. Then we're good. But it doesn' work that way. ADHD aside, people still let each other down in partnerships. And I need to be able to tell him when he lets me down on the really important things without him blowing up on me. I need him to accept that his actions are what caused the crisis that we're in when that occurs. Not because I have a need to place blame, but because I need to know that he recognizes that cause and effect and will attemt to preven the cause in the future.

I have tried gently reminding him at varioud intervals. I discussed with him what he thinks works best for him as far as reminders go, because I am willingot do ANYTHING I can to help him. Because helping him, helps me. But everything I say to him, he takes offense to. I can't say anything without him thinking I am judging him, and when, after repeated interractions where he's taking offense where there is none in tended, I get frustrated and he responds to that by saying that I'm getting in a mood for no reason, but it's ok b/c he'll just put up with it like he always does.

I am not perfect, and yes, there are some times when I am not void of judgement, but, once again, that happens in relationships. Our problem isn't ADHD, it is his refusal to accept responsibility for his actions. As if, just because he never meant for things to turn out the way they did, he doesn't have to apologize or try to make it right. But yet, I must do this all day long because I constantly offend him with my questions that are simply meatn to be questions, but every question I ask sounds like I am judging him.

If the refusal to accept responsibility cannot be broken, then I'm afraid that our marriage will not last. IT is too damaging to me to live in this cycle of blame. And it is not something that I want my daughter and son to grow up with, thinking that is how a man and a woman treat each other.

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ok. i posted a similar question, but it was cluttered with details and peripherals. Your question is mine. I don't have a problem with the disorganization, poor planning skills, etc. It's the always blaming it on someone else. We have 6 kids, so most of the time, if something is lost, then the kids get blamed for it. And we all look at each other, knowing that no one but my husband touched the object that he is looking for, and then we join in the search until it is found. And it can be in a place that only he could have gone with it, but he'll still blame it on the kids. When he leaves himself 5 minutes to get to an appointment that is located 20 minutes away and then comes back an hour later seething that he was over 15 minutes late and they wouldn't let him keep him appointment, so he had to make another one. i can roll with that. I can listen to him be upset, and not tell him "well, if you would have left on time. . . " I can sympathize with his frustration over daily events. I would like for him accept responsibility for it, but these things I can deal with.

And as long as I dont' raise an issue, ever. Then we're good. But it doesn' work that way. ADHD aside, people still let each other down in partnerships. And I need to be able to tell him when he lets me down on the really important things without him blowing up on me. I need him to accept that his actions are what caused the crisis that we're in when that occurs. Not because I have a need to place blame, but because I need to know that he recognizes that cause and effect and will attemt to preven the cause in the future.

I have tried gently reminding him at varioud intervals. I discussed with him what he thinks works best for him as far as reminders go, because I am willingot do ANYTHING I can to help him. Because helping him, helps me. But everything I say to him, he takes offense to. I can't say anything without him thinking I am judging him, and when, after repeated interractions where he's taking offense where there is none in tended, I get frustrated and he responds to that by saying that I'm getting in a mood for no reason, but it's ok b/c he'll just put up with it like he always does.

I am not perfect, and yes, there are some times when I am not void of judgement, but, once again, that happens in relationships. Our problem isn't ADHD, it is his refusal to accept responsibility for his actions. As if, just because he never meant for things to turn out the way they did, he doesn't have to apologize or try to make it right. But yet, I must do this all day long because I constantly offend him with my questions that are simply meatn to be questions, but every question I ask sounds like I am judging him.

If the refusal to accept responsibility cannot be broken, then I'm afraid that our marriage will not last. IT is too damaging to me to live in this cycle of blame. And it is not something that I want my daughter and son to grow up with, thinking that is how a man and a woman treat each other.

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