Hello, this is my first posting. I am a thirty year-old woman married to a 34 year-old man. He has ADHD. I love him with all of my heart. He is loving (when not lost in his own world), so I will say he has a loving spirit. He is kind, generous, very funny, very intelligent, spontaneous and handsome. He is all of these things, except sometimes his ADHD gets in the way.

We met 6 years ago and married four and a half years ago. I have ocd, which causes a lot of anxiety for me at times. During the first year of our marriage I was not dealing with my OCD, and had many crying outbursts, panic attacks, etc. which my husband helped me through. He got more and more frustrated with this until one day, in a fit of anger he said "The day I married you I ruined my life." This was four years ago.

We went to therapy after that in order to address our discord. We did so, although not as effectively as I would have liked. We never discussed the horrible thing he said to me, though I did address many of my OCD issues. During this therapy I came to be less and less likely to say what I really felt. It became more and more apparent to me that if I ever tried to express anger, sadness, disappointment, etc., my husband would react by claiming that this was me not dealing with my ocd, and that he didn't want to have to sit and talk for 2 hours. Sometimes, if I pushed it, he would get angry and stomp away or say something unkind. (Though never anything as hurtful as "The day I married you I ruined my life.")

We are still seeing the therapist and I go alone often. We go together occasionally. I have basically tried to stop having feelings. I walk around on eggshells with my husband because I simply don't want to fight. He seems to have trouble believing that he is ever in the wrong, is not comforting anymore when I am sad, and will barely discuss problems with me. When I try to discuss them he either is unable to come up with a response to what I bring up for several days or he blows up and says something about how he doesn't feel safe to talk to me because I am judgemental. A week ago he made the second very hurtful comment of our relationship: "I used to be different, but you killed the part of me that fees safe to talk."

Since the day he said that I have felt very sad and I have really been reflecting on our lack of communication. I want it to change. I would like to be able to honestly express my opinions, feelings, and wishes whether they are positive or not. I often feel worried that my husband doesn't love me as much as I love him. Partially due to the inattentiveness and partially from the hurtful comments.

For a sizable portion of our time together I have felt that our problems were due to my ocd. He reinforces this sometimes when we disagree. However, I am now sure that I am dealing with the ocd and often handle my anxiety in a positive and productive way. My husband was engaged to a girl he had been with for 4 years which ended a year before he met me. He has told me that she told him she wanted them to talk about their problems and not hide them anymore. He said that by the time he decided he wanted to do so, she was breaking off the engagement, and she told him that "She didn't like the way he handled decisions."

I can see for myself now the problems which probably led to her deciding to leave. However, I feel paralyzed. I am afraid to say anything because I feel like he will tell me that he thinks he has listened well and really made an effort. I'm afraid he will say that I am like a black hole and no matter what he puts in I'm never satisfied. Then I am afraid he will tell me that he is afraid we will not be able to work it out. I never know what he means and what he says that is just in the heat of the moment.

I love my husband and enjoy being with him, however this lack of communication, and his reactions when I try to discuss our problems are very painful for me. I want for us to work these issues out but sometimes it feels like such a big mess that I don't even know where to start. I do not feel that I have been very assertive, and I have become almost passive, which is not how my personality truly is.

I don't know that I am really looking for advice or a response, but it just feels good to describe my situation. It helps me to take stock. Thank you.

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