Hi Jeanster:

Thanks for your post! It sounds like your daughter is suffering from shyness and a lack of confidence that was sparked or worsened by these class projects (why would the teacher let any child work alone?!?). Have you encouraged your daughter to invite just one friend over after school? Maybe one-on-one would be less overwhelming or intimidating for her. And if she invited over 4 or 5 girls in the coming months, she might quickly find herself feeling more comfortable with those girls even in the larger classroom setting...

ADDitude also has a good article about role-playing techniques that can help ADHD kids prepare for social settings. This might work in helping your daughter prepare for how she might approach a classmate about being a project partner.

Here are some other articles I would recommend...

Help ADHD Children Make Friends

Teaching Resilience to ADHD Children: Advice for Parents

Help Socially Immature Kids Make Friends and Succeed at School

Overcoming Childhood Shyness

Good luck! And let us know how it turns out...

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This too was an issue with our son -- being kind of the odd man out when it came to groups of people. First he was new to the school but second -- his peers saw the same issues that were already causing us concern. When we choose partners in school -- we do it for one of 2 reasons: early, we do it because they are someone's friend and later, we realize that they might not be my best friend, but they are reliable and get good grades and aren't going to leave me holding the bag. By 4th grade -- it was about the friendship on the playground -- but about the grades/behavior in the classroom. I'm pretty certain that 6th grade is just that. The girl you are talking about probably is her best friend -- but in the waters of self-survival at Jr. High, it's possible that socially that friendship is tight but academically it's not. It's possible that the people she spends 7-9 hours a day with see that she is a wonderful person but just aren't really willing to risk a project where they might have to depend on her be focused. If it is ADD/ADHD, then this only adds to feelings of being "different" and will encourage someone to not be as willing to put themself out to kind of get stung again. Then you add in the beginnings of puberty and different physical development of 6th grade as well as the already "in place" social scene that starts forming from the minute you step into the door of the school. Geez, I wish I would have known enough to put this all into words like this when I was in 6th grade experiencing pretty similiar stuff. Instead I just said "I hate Jr. High" and could never make my mother understand why. Only difference was that despite my ADD/ADHD (which I have learned that I did have then), I was the "successful student". I may not have been all that organized -- but school was one of my hyperfocus things. The only reason they wanted me in the group (and still always picked last if there was no assignment) was because they knew that no matter what, I would ensure that the project was done and their grade would be good -- and it was the unspoken expectation that it get done and that was my "ticket" to a seemingly higher social status for a time. Basically, they used me and then treated me like crap! I was left doing the work so they could benefit from the extra time and lack of responsibility for the work. And then 2 weeks of marginal acceptance later, I was no longer one to be seen associating with. My suggestion is this: if you think this is your daughters issue, please take her to get diagnosed. It may not cure all the ills immediately -- but as people see subtle differences, they will tend to act and react to her differently. I have seen it with my son and his friends (albeit it took 2 years) and even in the month that I have been on medications, I have seen it in my peers at work. (Granted huge difference in type A personality adults and 6th graders -- but still). My son was somewhat resistant to taking medications at first -- but as we noticed differences, he noticed differences and there were just some remarkable changes in his behavior in class, with his friends, on the football field, at home, in social settings -- everything. He hated his life before because of all this stuff -- and now, he thanks us that we made the 6 month medication deal. He had the option (sort of) to stop -- but there were things that he had to be able to show. When he did his cost/benefit paper at the end of 6 months..............the only "bad" side of taking medications was the knowledge that he is taking medications! Good Luck! I know it's hard! I always vote for assigned partners or another way to pick partners/groups that is more fair and less socially pressured in the classroom. It is a horrible thing that is done to the kids because it becomes that social element for an entire school experience. Sort of like social systems of old, once you are there -- you are stuck for your entire time there.

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My daughter has had a miserable experience in 6th grade because of being excluded from group work and teams in gym. I can't believe teachers and coaches are still leaving it to other kids to choose teams all the time. In her case, shyness had nothing to to with it. She has always been outgoing and confident. Her problem is that she is developmentally behind her peers socially. She comes across as immature and doesn't pick up on social cues. She can be overbearing and self-centered at times, though if she is guided properly, she is more than willing to share with others. She doesn't see the big picture because of her AD/HD. She sure can tell when she is being ostracized, bullied, and intimidated though! It's painful for her and painful for us. In just 5 months she has stopped being outgoing and gone into depression. She doesn't reach out to other kids now because she is afraid of rejection. We decided to pull her out of public schools and place her in a special school for kids w/AD/HD. Of course that's costing us tons of money. I feel for all the kids out there whose parents can't afford to do that. Public school systems are not designed for our special kids. We can't afford to do this for long, but I am educating myself so that in my next encounter w/public schools (for both our son and daughter) I will operate from a basis of knowledge and not naively think the school will work to protect my children and provide a decent learning environment for them. I don't think the public schools can do it, and if your special needs child IS getting what he/she needs in the public school - count your blessings! But arm yourself with knowldge now because things change year to year and in a tight economy our kids will feel the pinch.

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Have you asked your daughter what her experiences with her work partners were on other occasions?

The reason I ask this is because when I was in school, starting around 6th grade, I started having problems with partners in group projects because of a startling difference in work ethic. I kept ending up with partners who left me to do all the work, which obviously being a girl with ADD I would drive myself to the point of a mental breakdown to finish the project perfectly for fear of being thought of as stupid.

It frustrated me to no end because I got stressed out by trying to do all the work while my partner got a decent grade for doing nothing. This then made me react by getting increasingly bossy, domineering, and outright paranoid during group projects because I no longer trusted anyone else to do the job right, which made my classmates react by avoiding me like the plague when it came to choose partners.

You might want to ask your daughter how much work she was actually able to share with her work partner on past projects. If there is an issue with your daughter's work partner not doing their fair share, I would mention it to the teacher. Maybe the teacher can sit down with your daughter's group and assign specific tasks in the project to each student, so no one gets stressed out by doing too much? Also, if there's an odd number of students or something else going on, maybe the teacher can work with your daughter as her partner or bring in a volunteer from another class? Maybe there are some projects where it would be okay for your daughter to work by herself?

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The school year is almost done and she seems to have survived. There seemed to be a let-up on the number of "pick a partner or group type projects". Not sure if the teachers took my input or not on NOT creating such a social mess for the kids. I am certain my child is not the only one that gets "left out" or "picked last".

We also had her go through a group therapy session for anxiety and it has done absolute wonders for her. I think her anxiety would 1) have her worried about the project 2) worried about who to ask, who to work with, who would ask her, WOULD anyone ask her and she would spend so much time fretting over everything that by the time she worked her way through all that, everyone else had paired up or found their groups!

We got rid of the anxiety and ta-da, she has done remarkably better. She still has anxious moments but she's able to use the skills she learned in therapy.

She had to read some mythology story and create a skit and GET her own classmates to be IN her skit. She managed to do that. She even asked the person who she always considered a "best friend" but that person has not treated HER like a friend and so she's been afraid/anxious of approaching her, I think ... and she got her to be IN her skit! She was able to plan a time for some of them to come over and rehearse. That was a HUGE accomplishment for her and she got an A! I was so proud of her on so many levels for that one!

We're just going with therapy right now. No medication. She's in a group now for social skills which I think is also going to be very helpful for her in learning to read social cues, etc and how to pick the right friends or at least HOW to talk to different people.

All good stuff to learn!

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