Hi there:

Welcome to the ADDitude Forums and thanks for posting! I can understand the frustration you must be feeling as you watch your kids struggle at school, understand exactly how they feel, yet don't know how you can help. One great resource you should consider is ADDitude's ADHD at School eBook, which delves into getting school accommodations, working with teachers, bolstering learning, homework tips, etc. It's a wonderful resource for any parent and will give you some ideas for helping your sons, I'm sure.

Also, it sounds like you could benefit from an ADD coach who specializes in budgeting, and money & time management. Many times, coaches set up their clients with a system or process that works for them and then step back to be on call only when needed. This could help you feel more in control and demonstrate to your wife that you're trying to make improvements.

I would recommend contacting your local chapter of CHADD for coach recommendations.

I hope this helps!

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I always thought there would be a point in my life when id stop screwing up so much. I just made it threw high school i couldnt get there on time and never really applyed my self unless it was exciting and needed me in some way. I always felt i just needed more attention then i should so I put me on the back burrner. did the same thing to my relationships back them too. I graduated fron a vocational school at 19 with my nursing degree. I love being a nurse i love taking care of peole but i hate paper work and schedules im always late and making minor mistakes that add up and get me fired. I tryed a small career in the military But the ridigid life of a amry nurse and me ended up misiberly defeated and close to forgetting who i was but for the first time in my life I asked for help i was so sad and defeated my army supervisir at the time recomended alcohol counceling stating that i seened to have a problem. I never really persued this after my discharge. newly 21 and home with out a job I drank a lot lost some great jobs and made really bad decisions. not untill oct of 1999 did i start making more acceptable choices not for just me but for my new baby as well. his dad was a great guy i connsently was nagging him seeking more from him and not trusting him we broke up when jake was 2. I met the man who is now my hubby shortly after he is everyhing im not, reliable confident and dependable, I trust him it works out.. Ive never had a full time job I pick up when i can and work per dem dont get me wrong we have everything we need and a little put a way . I recently started a part time job as a floor nurse in a nursing home. started out great i really love the job... made some small med errors mostly not reading the directions correctly had a stern talking ot by my boss. brought my moralle way down. im late a lot just not a morning person, got my first eval at 3 months ... not performing up to standard, first warning. changed the way i did things got rid of all the destractions write things down do my best to follow through still messing up. first time i know i have a problem thats just out of my hands . my kids suffer to i forget appointments cant help wih homework and yell a lot . i dont have any health care ins and even if i did what will people think of me. I never even thought about my self having add untill my oldest was diaginosed with adhd.now im just sad and lost. i hate the knowing people think im just not trying andi hate to give up. im going to end up working in a mall... my hubby is going to be working less due to cut backs and i need to work more I cant afford to loose this job first of all i love it and i need it. so what do i do pull my boss aside and tell her this story ive taken several of these on line test and i know me regardless of not having a diagnosos i know i cant concentrate on my work sometimes i go threw periods of too much energy to not enough im not organized or dependable sometime i say stupid things . anyway idont know what to do .....

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I spent 35 years of my life wondering why I was the way I was............and despite pushing through some successes, I was miserable on myself. Nothing I did was good enough -- even in a moment of success, my comment to myself was "well, if you had just done <insert task here>, you would have been so much better". I would lay in bed at night and hear the conversation I had with myself -- every stupid thing that came out of my mouth was analyzed and over analyzed. Every little mistake I made was placed under the microscope so I could eventually find another way to berate myself. I vowed every day to change -- to do better -- to be different -- to not look like a dumba$$ -- to not forget stuff -- to get up and get things accomplished -- to -- to -- to. And then that night, every thing that stayed the same was subject to my unrelenting hatred of myself. And, even if it wasn't my fault -- it was my fault. My son was having behavior issues in school -- it was my fault because I must not be a good mother or he wouldn't do that. Husband and kids were arguing about something -- it was my fault because I work night shift and if I was there in the evening then they wouldn't have to stress each other out so I should take a position where I would be miserable just to be there for them. Husband was frustrated with me because I forgot something -- it was my fault, but maybe he would be better off and happier if I wasn't here (in the relationship) to cause him frustration like this. NOT GOOD PATTERNS OF THOUGHT! Or the best one yet: He thinks my son is ADD, it must be my fault -- I must be a horrible mother -- I must have really screwed things up for him with my non-structure view of babyrearing and now he is screwed up -- I have set him up to be a failure -- how can this be, I have a college eduction, a major is psychology, graduated magna cum laude for heavens sake!!!!! If he is put on meds or diagnosed, it will ruin his life. THAT WAS THEN!

So, we take him to the Dr and find that he is ADHD. Counseling and medication -- and he is making great improvements. That was a year ago. Now.......me.........my son is telling me that I'm doing the same things that he was doing before medications. Difficulty focusing, difficulty staying on task..............feeling overwhelmed at little things...........I got called out by my son! What a great mom I am -- NOT! What a great person I am -- NOT! I'm just a schmuck -- I should be amazed at even being able to breathe on my own on a daily basis! So, how do I save face with this one? I should know better...........I work in mental health..................

So, I do some research. I mention it to my son's doctor when we are leaving his appointment. He smiles and says, "I'll be glad to see you. I was wondering how long it would take. It's a common thing -- but we will figure it out together." I wanted to hug the man! He put his hand on my shoulder and I left the office trying not to let the tears overrun my eyes before I could get to the car.

A week later, I am back in his office. Not condescending. Not judgemental. Factual -- and logical -- and showing/telling me without coming out and telling me that he too is ADD/ADHD. WOW! A hugely respected man in his position and I have THIS in common. We talk -- not clinical crap -- we talk. It's clinical -- but it doesn't feel like it. It's comfortable. No cliche "helping tips" -- I know what they are -- it's getting down to use them. He writes me a prescription. Nothing complicated. He gives me a notebook to carry in my purse -- just like the one I carry in my pocket at work. (Does this mean cops are ADD/ADHD -- because we carry that little notebook to write stuff down in and are completely LOST when we don't have it????) He has me write down some books and suggests I get them on tape. Truthfully, I love to read and it's my hyperfocus time -- so, the books are good. He makes sure I understand everything he has said and walks me to the waiting room. He puts his arm around my shoulder as a sideways squeeze and says with the most sincerity I have ever heard "I'm glad you are here!"

So I go to the book store -- and $65 later, I have some books. 3 to read and a workbook. I realize now why the dr wanted me to read them for my son before -- BECAUSE I WOULD SEE MYSELF!!!!! Finally, questions answered. Now, what do I do??? Take the medications -- and there is a difference. Do the workbook (10 Days to Self Esteem Workbook) and rather than making excuses, be real damn honest with myself. Then I find that there are people already around me who are ADD/ADHD! Teach me about lists -- which is easy because I need logical order. But they teach me not only about making them -- but when to make them and how to ensure that I accomplish them. I work on changing my all or nothing thinking -- because that is so judgemental and self-defeatist and I didn't even realize. I appropriate my son's unused student planner calendar that was replaced by a cooler one from his teacher and start using it. I put the most important things in the calendar in my phone with reminder alarms (I can't wait til I get my iPhone because the calendar and stuff is way way way cooler than what I have here). In less than 30 days, I have accomplished so much on my master list that it isn't even funny. I have been better able to stick to my diet and stuff -- and I have lost 10 lbs. I have had time to spend with my kids -- because it's ok for me now to say that the order says that helping with homework is not cleaning the kitchen while they do homework. Quality time is not being in the same room and surfing the internet and listening to them talk. I set all the clocks in my house and car ahead by 15 minutes and I have added an additional 15 minutes on the time I think it will take to get up, get ready, leave, and get there. Then I have to be wary the distractions -- which the meds make it easier to keep in check.

I'm by no means "cured" or "perfect"! I have my days -- where I'm irritable, where things bother me, where I say stupid crap, where I don't feel like getting stuff done, where I forget things........but there are improvements that I can see, that others can see, and that most of all my ADHD son can see. At 10 and 35 we are ok with holding each other accountable (where applicable), cheering on success (the "told you so" dance is actually not as annoying as it once was and when you earn it, it's sweet!), sharing frustrations about stuff (having to do directly with ADHD), and helping my husband and other son understand.

I have come to these realizations: I am probably responsible for my son having ADHD. I will never be my mother -- all organized and on task. I have successful coping mechanisms that have helped me out through my life. I am not nor will I ever be perfect. I am my own worst critic. I will not treat myself more critically than I would my best friend. I will not say things to myself that I wouldn't say to my best friend. Writing things on paper helps me to see it in a different way -- i will not be afraid to put things on paper. I will count my successes today and plan for my successes tomorrow -- I WILL NOT dwell on failures from yesterday nor will plan for them tomorrow. I will be my childrens role model for how to handle things like this -- they will see the successes and failures. I don't want them to live through the thoughts and crap that I have and if I don't SHOW them and TALK to them about it -- I am merely setting them up for that and they may not be as successful as I have been in dealing with it. I can beat myself up over my marriage and my family -- but bottom line, my husband adores me because of and in spite of who I am. And I see him the same way. It's not about deserving -- it's about imperfect humans having imperfect relationships with imperfect humans. My children need me -- they need to see me fail and they need to see me succeed. They need to see me afraid, confident, happy, sad, frustrated, irritated, hurt, exuberant, content, logical, emotional -- because if they don't, then I truly haven't done my job as a parent. I only thought that my life was a roller coaster -- it's just nowt that I gotten through the line and gotten on the train. What a ride this is gonna be.

And now for reality -- I have been doing this instead of picking up the garage for the party tonight. I had some panic about it last night because it was overwhelming.......and it still is which is why I'm avoiding it. But -- no longer. I'm taking my pad to make my list.........follow the list and mark stuff off. Nobody here to supervise, to direct, to help, to keep me on track. This will be a success -- because I have decided it NOW!

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I am also an ADD Rn who has been in the field for 25 years; and at times had a very hard time being on time. I recently decided I was much better with medications so I am taking Ritalin La 20 mgs. Ritalin 10 mgs in the afternoon , and Welbutrin XL 150mgs ; and it has been the difference in keeping me focused and on time . Now for the nurse who is having difficulty in work. The way to do it is to slow down enough to make sure you understand the medications and anything thing else you need to do..It always help to remeber the five thing s you must do when giving out medication. It is not to anyones advantage if you don't understand something not to ask or it will land up causing you mistakes and possible harm to some one. Confidence is something you need in yourself and abilities if you couldn't do it you would have never passed school or get a liscense. Now all the others if you need to beat yourself up go ahead; but remember it doesn't get you anywhere. I never let my husband or an employer to put me down. I found instead I would go back at them at then point out if they were so perfect they would have known better to employee me. Seriously , I just refuse and walk away from anyone who tries to put me down. My husband knew when he married me that I am not a wife that can stay home, keep an organized house or keep a lot on my schedule, he also knew I was a spontaneous fun loving individual , could be impulsive, and if wanted the bills on time he would have to help me. My daughter likes having me around because I am creative and can do magic with makeup for her and her friends , I have a empathic ear , and give her great advise regarding her school, friends , boys and everything else that a teenager needs to know. I am a supportive wife and mother; but as far keeping a house organized oh my God that is for the books . Instead I figure if my husband doesn't want to clean it then I would hire someone to clean . I hate cleaning it is the most boring thing in the world. and who say s it makes you bad mother or employee. If I need to be smewhere on time I have a very large noisy clock that I set for anywhere 15-30 minutes earlier and I have to get out of bed to shut it off. Since using this I Have been late a total of 3 times in the last 6 months; and the last time I was late was because My daughter was running a fever and had a sorethroat so I had to settle her in so I could go to work with a free mind. One thing they say ADDers to not live in the moment and we are always reliving the past or looking ahead. Take the time to live in the moment. No one is perfect if you have a hard time like me in organizing paper spend the money to have someone do it many college students need cash so ask one of them to come in and for x many hours you need the files clean up, the desk with in and out clean up etc. If you could afford it hire someone for a few hours a week so it stays this way , and could keep you organized a nice Virgo would do (8/23- 9/21) . My sister-in-law boss is a ADD and runs a office she has two people helping and instead of cost her more due to salaries it helps her bring in more clients. Use the god gift talents that ADD bring with it we are the most inventive cleaver people I know we can look and see possibilities in a black hole when everyone else see nothing. Now stop beating yourself up. You are alll talented people , help our kids realize it as well. If you need to be on medication do it nad start looking what can be done and not what cannot be done.

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