Hi Ray. I don't know how much I can help, but maybe I can offer some insight. I was recently diagnosed (I'm 40) and I see a lot of things that sound familiar in your posting. I'm glad that you are trying to understand what is happening with your wife, and that you are trying to make things work.

It looks like there are things you both need to work on. First and foremost, please, please, please don't roll your eyes or shrug or use the non-verbal cues that you think tell her that she should know better as an adult. That is the most annoying thing in the world! Sorry to break it to you. She has felt all her life that she is letting people down (this is based on my own experience) and is trying so hard to be what everyone wants her to be. Once in awhile she slips by blurting out something inappropriate or is late or whatever and the reminder, yet again, that she let you down probably kills her. That may not be your intent, but this is what is going on in her head. She is fully aware of how annoyed you get and she doesn't intend to do it. If you find yourself becoming impatient with her, give her a kiss on the forehead or cheek and walk away for a few minutes to collect yourself, then come back and tell her, calmly, why what she did bothered you. If she apologizes, accept it and move on.

The both of you also need to start reshaping your worlds so that you and she can work in it. Since my diagnosis, I've realized that a lot of the problems I had with relating to the world was that I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Now I know that I have to start reshaping the round hole into a square so it fits for me. Once I realized I had ADD, I started putting things I need to take to another room, but not right at the moment, in the middle of my path so I don't forget. I used to put them on the side of the stairs intending to take them to where they needed to go, but they'd just stay there for weeks, months at a time or until the mother-in-law came over and I had to do the super duper cleanup. In other words, the both of you should try to find methods that are workable. You may need to set up collection "areas" for the clutter, like attractive bins to toss things into and then go through once a week to put things away. A white board in a central area of the home where things that need to be done are listed in plain view. If she is constantly late, set the clocks 15 minutes fast or have a time when you want her to be ready (say 8:00) and a time she absolutely has to be ready (you really have to leave at 8:30). My mom would do this with my dad and I, and we didn't know we had ADD! Your wife can get a lot of tips from this website on how to keep herself on track.

If she hasn't already, she should talk to a therapist that understands adult ADD or to an ADD coach that can help her get on track. She needs to do research to help her understand what ADD is about and realize what her limitations are and especially what her strengths are. There are several good books available on Amazon.

You and your wife should consider seeing a marriage counselor, particularly one that specializes in adult ADD or has a lot of experience with it. www.CHADD.org would be a good place to find some resources in your area. Even if you don't find someone right away, someone from your local CHADD chapter should be able to recommend someone.

When I started this post I had a whirlwind of things I wanted to say, and I hope I captured them all in a readable format. :)

Good luck to you. ADD can be fun, and it can be very frustrating.

-Sharan.

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Hi Ray:

Sharan offers some really great and insightful advice. I would add only that ADDitude offers a host of articles specifically about living with an ADHD spouse that you might find helpful as well.

Best of luck!

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You hit it on the head. Although I haven't said it before, I think that In my heart I do think she is inadaquate (don't want to feel this way and know I need to change.) Conseq, however, because I feel this way I communicate this message all the time through my body language and comments I make. I know she is awesome, but I haven't figured out how to change my heart. I am going to continue to make it worse until I no longer send the message, spoken or unspoken, that she is not cutting it. Question is how?

Good advice to seek out a ADD coach/therapist. Marriage counceling didn't work for us. She felt criticized in the meeting and everytime we got in a fight right after the meeting. She won't go to a coach/therapist right now. While I'm sure she knows there is a problem she won't admit that ADD has any part of it. I am going to search out a coach for me until she comes around. At least that will increase my understanding, give me some things I can do, and give me a sounding board when things get crazy. Maybe this will help me have the needed change of heart.

Thanks for the feedback.

Sincerely,

Ray

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CHADD also lists ADD support groups by area. If she were to go to one (she should probably go alone at least at first), she may feel less threatened. But you can't force her go, just like you can't force her go to a therapist. Read around on some of the articles on this website. If you email her one as a "I'm not blaming anyone, I just saw this and though you might find it interesting" kind of thing, she might be more receptive or enlist one of her friends to do so.

I wish you all the best. I really appreciate your attitude on trying to turn things around. Me and my ADD ways would have gotten frustrated and given up. Sorry you're going through this.

-Sharan

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Sorry I'm hogging this thread, but I just had another thought. I realize you are frustrated with your wife and all the things she can't or isn't doing. Try focusing on the things she can or is doing. People with ADD think and feel things differently than others. Is she a great mother to your teenagers? Does she have some spark of creativity that seems to come out of nowhere? Does she look at something differently than you that gives you the "I never thought of that" moment? It's easy to focus on the negative when you're frustrated. Your idea of going to a coach or therapist is a great one. Hope everything works out.

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I think I've lived your wife's life. It would not be right for me to generalize, but in my case, the two personality types, over time were not a healthy mix.

Early in the relationship and marriage, I had no idea that I was ADHD. Looking back, I think it was a classic case of "opposites attract." He fell in love with my 'whimsical' personality and way of life and I fell in love with his ability to make things happen. His controlled world brought some calm into my fun, but sometimes chaotic world. I was the idea girl. He was the detail guy.

That's how our life together began. Here's how it evolved:

His affection for my 'spur-of-the moment' way of living (late, forgetful, poor follow through on things I "promised" I would do ) turned first into annoyance. Then, comments like, "Honestly, I don't know how you get through the day" became increasingly condescending and demeaning.

Over time, my appreciation for his attention to detail and organization turned into a feeling that I could never live up to his expectations. Life inside our home had lots of structure and very little tolerance. Time and Place. There was a place for every item and a time for every action. From the way you're "supposed" to load a dishwasher to planning every spare moment of vacation. Eventually, sex got put on the calendar too.

I morphed from a confident, successful working woman into someone I hardly recognized. I was unhappy, then sad, then numb. Low self-esteem fueled those feelings. Some days, I felt like I'd had the life sucked right out of me. The bohemian had lost her lust for life.

He morphed from an optimistic, confident man who laughed a lot, into a bitter and angry person. Mad at me, then mad at the world. Controllers don't like change and don't like risk. It seems more comforting for them to stick with what they know even when their heart or their gut nudges them in the direction of dreams or possibilities.

Marriage counseling. We did it, three times over 15 years. Then I went for counseling on my own. That's when I found out I was ADHD. I did a lot of research and found an amazing ADHD coach/therapist. I also started taking medication. Together, the two have changed my life. I'm a "work in progress" but I'm learning how to spot and break old patterns and bad habits, how to stay focused, how to be a better listener and how to follow through on the really big, important stuff on my to-do list. I'm also learning how to set new boundaries with my relationships. Oddly enough, the better I got, the more resentful he became.

My 'inadequacies' all these years must have empowered him. Or maybe it's that simple notion controllers don't like change and I've changed.

I'm not sure how your wife's ADHD is impacting other parts of her life, but I wonder what might happen in your marriage if you eased up on everything that she's not good at, and tried to embrace the things she is naturally great at? Many ADHDers are incredibly gifted, especially on the creative side. A little encouragement can probably go a long way for her. So can a great ADHD therapist. For you, maybe a little counseling or coaching on the tolerance/perfectionism topic???

In the end, I left my husband. Even the marriage counselor thought it was the best thing. I'm thriving. He will too. Good luck!

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Ray-

When I saw your post I thought, 'Oh my gosh is that my husband?' I have been described so many times in this thread it blows me away. I am about to get separated, and it is probably going to be for the best. I have just found the best therapists (4 of them), I also take DBT. Not to mention my meds. My husband is also in therapy and our therapists work together in conjunction with us for the marriage part. But it still isn't working out. We, ADHD ladies, are very unique types of women. I personally am not a clutter bug or ever late. I happen to be the other extreme, ocd and always on time. But my spouse is not. He managed to take away my self esteem, confidence, smile and laugh. He had me committed right before I was diagnosed. Otherwise I would have killed myself. I was the cheerleader in high school, he was the captain of the football team. When our friends see us now, they don't recognize me. They see my successful husband and wonder what happened to me. I wonder what happened to me too. But one thing is for sure, I keep a beautiful, clean home even if I don't remember how to smile. My children are fantastic and I don't know how they came from me. But thank you Lord for them. I wish you luck. It's very hard living inside this head. I hate when my meds wear off. For the first time in my life, in 2007, I was actually normal when I had my first dose of medication. Isn't that sad? Take care.

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But I am also in wife shoes in my marriage; and after 22 years we are calling it quits. The fact is you need to be in controll; and you have no tolerance of her not because she is ADD but because this is really who you are. I know you say you love her; but how can that be if you can't stand her. It doesn't really make sense at least to me. It in my home my husband has also expressed the idea of how much I need to change; but never sees what he needs to change . Frankly if she is late with the bills why can't you do them? Is the clutterness really a big problem, ask yourself why ? It really a sad fact but in ADD marriage most of them unless have a really understanding spouse ; and they don't sweat thesmall things marriage don't survive She is on medications for ADD and the reason she takes sleeping meds is because many of us ADDers when we are quite our mines race and we just can't sleep. If the sex is get routine then do something to keep her interest are you romanantic? Now don't do it because you want sex do it because you want to make her happy. She will never be interested in you if you constantly tell her she isn't good enough ; and frankly you have been telling her by everyone of your actions. I am sure you don't listen to her when she say anything because you proably consider her thought childlike or drifle. Let her talk without interjecting what she needs to do or what she had to do. If she doesn't ask for your advice then don't give it. Sometimes living apart makes a better relationship because you see only the best of each other. And you have been in a a mariage you describe that SUCKS so why are you staying in this marriage? The staying because I love her actually translate to me I stay because I can make myself feel better about myself when I put her down , make faces etc. because she now feels really bad about herself. And frankly this is cruel!

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Nothing is easy for us. Especially relationships. No one gets us, how we dont process info, how insecure we are, how everything is a challange accompanied with fear, but....we are survivors and whether we do it alone or with a partner, we do it.

At least some one has stuck around. I know that is no solice to your pain, but maybe if they learn more, you go to a LD person together and seperately and rebuild trust and get you to where you aren't so overwhelmed maybe things will change?

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Thanks for your feedback and advice. It is very helpful. I am going to search out an ADD therapist, even if she won't join me, and see if I can gain more ADD understanding and hopefully a change of heart. I am not ready to give up yet. Sincerely, Ray

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Hi Ray, I have ADHD also and I hope that you can find a way to understand all that has been shared here with respect to your marriage and your wife. My ex-husband and I were in a very similar situation 8 years ago. We did not make it and ended up divorcing. One thing to remember is that your acceptance of your wife with her ADHD will have an incredibly positive impact on your daughters if they should find that they also have this disorder. You will help them the most by loving and accepting their mom. You can also hurt them the most by not accepting her and loving her despite this disorder. I can tell you that I am in the midst of seeing the effects of this up close right now so please, for your daughters sake, don't give up.

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More great advice. The solution seems so simple: accept, love, be patient and don't think of her as being inadequate. Sounds easy enough. I could teach a class on the solution I just haven't been able to live it yet. I have already started to see the effects on my 11 and 13 yr old girls, who are beginning to get frustrated with my wife (probably largely due to me). I am going to keep trying. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Ray

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Seriously I really hope you have a change of heart . It will take alot of work on your part. hopefully it will be insightful about yourself, and trying to understand ADD . Understand if she is resistful it will because she has already come to terms with Her ADD ; and has proably tried to convince herself that it is just the way she is. Of course even us will change ; but somethings we will struggle with. It not easy being in a relationship when we don't have our major issues ADD however will presen t certain challenges

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I am the non-ADD partner in our marriage. You have gotten great advice, but I would still like to suggest you one more thing: do you take enough time for yourself? Do you have a hobby, or friends you regularly see? Being married to someone with ADD is draining, even if you love him/her very much. I found that taking time for myself one afternoon a week, makes a real difference. It makes me much more tolerant on all the chaos in our home and it boosts my self confidence. The better I feel myself, the less I am focused on other peoples flaws. (not to say that I don't have any!)

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Ray, I just spent 35 yrs of my life with my opposit perfectionist and am the spiting image of your wife. My advice: Set her free now. Stop the abuse. Don't waste another second of her life. You have no idea. Let her find another free spirit who appreciates and can love her for what she really is.

Divorced for 2 happy years.

BROWNEYEDGIRL

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"are you kidding me, you are an adult, adults don't say or do things like that. Hello." FOR MY CURIOSITY, WHAT TYPE OF THINGS DOES SHE SAY THAT MAKE YOU RESPOND THIS WAY? dOES SHE SAY THINGS THAT ARE INNAPROPRIATE FOR THE SITUATION? dOES SHE SEEM RUDE? (SORRY FOR ALL CAPS)

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