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14 Oct 2008 @ 11:27 AM
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| Casey71652 |
Join Date:
Tue 14th Oct 2008
Threads: Posts: |
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Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Hey everyone. I'm new to the website. I just discovered it last week and I'm literally at the breaking point so I thought I would try here. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. He really is a great guy in many ways and I love him. At the beginning of our relationship, he told me he had ADD and I didn't think much of it. In fact, I didn't really notice it. But as I began to spend most of my time with him, I quickly learned the true impact of ADD on both his life and mine. I feel all of the same things that non ADD spouses often feel. He doesn't listen. He doesn't pay attention. It's like I am alone in the relationship. I have to plan everything. I am always on his case. I have to make sure he is on time for everything. He makes promises and doesn't keep them. He doesn't think things through. Basically all of the symptoms...I could go on. For a long time, I thought he didn't love me. He didn't care about me. I know he does, but he just doesn't show it most of the time. I blame myself and I cry a lot. I feel depressed, lonely and frustrated most of the time. I'm not happy. I try as hard as I can to be understanding and realize that it's not his fault and it's not mine either. It's really difficult for me though. I'm naturally impatient (especially when grown adults act like children) and I'm also naturally a very emotionally sensitive person. I have discussed the problems and how I feel with my boyfriend probably hundreds of times over the past two years. Nothing seems to change. And the only time he seems aware of it is when I am crying next to him because I am so frustrated and upset. Also, he seems to try for about a day to be better, but then he quits and is the same again. Ok...so here is my big problem. My boyfriend just recently asked me to marry him. I said yes because I truly do love him and would like to be with him. But his ADD is making me second guess my answer. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being unhappy or depressed because of these issues. I want to feel what people feel in real, normal relationships. I would prefer not to have to take care of a grown adult and not be in a relationship pretty much by myself. I don't want to get married and then later decide to get a divorce because I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to have children and then take them away from their father. I love him and want to be with him, but if nothing is going to change then I don't know if I can stay. Is there any advice on how to deal with these problems and also on how to approach my situation? All help would be much appreciated. Thanks! |
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14 Oct 2008 @ 1:47 PM
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| Anni |
Join Date:
Thu 25th Oct 2007
Threads: 18 Posts: 416 |
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ADHD Marriage
Hi Casey: Oh, boy. This is tough one. My heart really went out to you when I read your description of the frustrations (and obvious love) in your relationship with your fiancee. Of course it's impossible for a complete stranger to offer any worthwhile advice about whether you should stay or go, but I do think you're very smart to be thinking about these ADHD-related issues before you tie the knot. By now, you probably know that you can't change your boyfriend. Getting married thinking that you can will only end in misery. But that doesn't mean all hope is lost. Is your boyfriend on ADHD medication? If not, that is an obvious place to start. Has he ever seen a therapist or professional ADHD coach? Many adults with ADD see real results with a little outside intervention, and that might be something you push for. Also, I would recommend reading some of ADDitude's best ADHD relationship advice... Married to It: When Your Spouse Has ADD Married to ADHD: Relationship Advice for You and Your Attention Deficit Spouse ADHD Relationship Advice: The Right Way to Fight I Realized Our Marriage Was in Trouble I hope this helps! |
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14 Oct 2008 @ 3:43 PM
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2
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| LadyRaines526928 |
Join Date:
Wed 12th Mar 2008
Threads: 46 Posts: 15 |
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Do what's best for you
Casey - I can completely understand why you are contomplating weather you should stay or if you should go - I'm sure if I was in you same position I would be thinking the exzact same thing you are . Truth of the matter is it sounds like your boyfriend is so caught up in his own mess & disfunction that he blows you & your feelings off and that's not fair to you - fact of the matter is you can love the man every single day & do everything you can to help him but if your boyfriend doesn't want to step back & take a look @ himself and realize that the relationship between you two isn't just about him but that it's also about you & your needs too , then maybe it would be best if you sat your boyfriend down & told him that you love him & you want to spend the rest of your life with him but that he has some issues that he needs to deal with & that maybe you two need to seperate for a while & allow him to work on himself - because truth is you deserve nothing but the best & part of loving someone including yourself is to put yourself first or in your case you seperating yourself from your boyfriend , giving him time to work on himself & show you that he loves you enough & himself to do what's right, even when it hurts - you two will either grow as people & come back together if it's right in god's eyes or your boyfriend will get what he needs & you get what you need and you both are happy even if you two are not together - either way part of loving some one is letting them go & if they come back to you, then it was meant to be, and if not then god has a different plann for your life . |
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14 Oct 2008 @ 6:56 PM
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3
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| ADD RN |
Join Date:
Wed 21st Nov 2007
Threads: 9 Posts: 299 |
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Casey
I am a ADD/ADHD person who knows the frustration of being in a relationship with a non-ADD person. So I can speak to this subject from the other side. Marriage for me is very frustrating ; and frankly if you walk into this marriage thinking he will change then you will be severly disappointed. I know because my husband did this ; and now we are at the brink of divorcing. We have some other issues besides my ADD too. I would read Daring to forgive" and if you can honsetly say you can let thing go then you will have a chance. Otherwise it will be afailure. As a ADD person, I really don't ignore him because I being emotionally cold, I will ignore him however after a hard day in work. I work 12 hours 4 X week, in a busy emergency room. I will run up the credit cards if given free raine of them; but because I know myself I have given them to my bestfriend so I can't charge freely, I am very rarely late; but if I am it because something else has distracted me. I can feel your pain because I wish I would be normal ; but alas I am not . Howwever I am proably one of the few people who found it to be more of gift then a curse. Iam am young compared to my chronically age,I see things in problems that people can't see. I am creative in most of all my things. I love my daughter, ; and love my husband but it just doesn't mean we belong together I drive him crazy these are his words not mine. So before you enter into mariage you must accept him , his quirks and his disstance at times if you can't hen forget it because in the long you will be unhappy and so will he. |
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