Hello, I am a stay at home mom of 2, a 3yo boy and a 4yo girl.

I have suffered with ADHD for as long as I can remember, but have only recently been diagnosed. I have been treated for various forms of depression and anxiety and have been on so many different meds, I can't remember the names of all of them. But thus far, nothing has had a lasting affect on my symptoms. Some things would work for a few weeks or even a few months, but eventually the effects would wear off and I was right back to where I started.

Finally, after having my second child, I became fed up with doctors guessing at what may be wrong with me and changing my meds ever few months. I wanted to know what was wrong with me so that I could become a better person and mother. I started taking every personality test I could find online, I answered every questionnaire I could find about personality disorders and everything ended up with the same general diagnosis, ADHD. After talking with my mom about my nephew who had recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and learning that I had many of the symptoms he did, I decided to start looking for a professional to talk with.

I found a Psychologist who does the personality screening and took the test, and sure enough, it came back that I was mainly ADHD, with mild depression, bipolar tendencies, and social anxiety disorder. It all started to make sense.

I then found a Psychiatrist who has had me on Strattera for a few months now, it worked real well at first. After about 3 weeks, I could tell a real difference. I know the first time I finished the laundry all in one day (without leaving a load in the washer, a load in the dryer, and a load in the basket) I actually broke down and cried. I thought I had finally found my answer. But, then as quickly as my ADHD symptoms went away, they returned. I feel even worse now, knowing what is wrong, but still not having it fixed. I've had these problems so long, I just want to be rid of them.

I can look back as far as elementary school and recall having symptoms of ADHD. Although I wasn't the outspoken troublemaker who was always disrupting class, I can remember being fidgety and bored all the time. I hated school, I felt awkward and backwards, I didn't make friends easily, and it became worse as I got older. I envied people around me who knew how to start and maintain a conversation, I still do even now.

I have had multiple marriages, I'm on #3 now, I have had too many jobs to count (most of which I have left because I became so bored, I just couldn't force myself to go into work each day), and have always had problems with money, organizational skills, memory loss, and general feelings of frustration.

I just can't seem to get my life or my thoughts together and keep them together. Many nights I'll lie in bed and think, ok tomorrow's the day, I'm going to make a chart of the household chores that need to be done, things I need to do for the kids, a menu for the week. But when morning comes, I just don't feel like doing it. I become so frustrated at just trying to find a starting point to becoming organized that I give myself headaches.

But even with all of that going on, the thing that bothers me the most is that I'm becoming more reclusive and finding it hard to become motivated to do day to day things. I don't want to be bothered, I don't want to talk to family or what few friends I have, I don't want to get up and go to Church, I find it even hard to spend time with my children and my husband. I just want to be left alone, and when one of my children interrupts what I'm doing(even when I'm basically doing nothing)I just become so irritated that I sometimes snap at them when they haven't done anything to deserve it.

I want to be the mom that gets things done while the kids are in preschool so I can spend time with them when they are home, I want to be the wife who cooks supper every night and keeps the house clean and neat, I want to be the one who volunteers for church functions or leads my children's sunday school class. I have the desire, but i just can't put it into motion. I just feel so overwhelmed with life.

Even while writing this, it has taken me away from spending time with my children and doing housework. I want to be better, and I am hopeful, but very impatient. I would never dream of letting most people know that I am not the perfect mother, but I know after reading so many of your posts, that I am not alone and you all truly understand. It's not because I'm a bad mother or one who just doesn't care, but one who is struggling to do what so many people take for granted.

Thank you for letting me vent and be a part of your community

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