Hi! I can understand what you mean, although my situation is a little bit different. I have a few friends, but no one I really stop to pal around with. I look forward to being alone on the weekend so I can focus on the things I like to do without worrying about whether other people want to do them too (I'm the type who will do something I don't want to do just because others want to - like go to a movie when I'd rather sit home).

My paycheck barely covers the bills, especially after the cost of everything's gone up so much. I asked my husband the other day why it seems like we're broke all the time when we're finally making what we did when he got laid off in 2002. He said "because the cost of everything has gone up" and he was right. I never thought of it like that.

When I'm feeling down and out I try to read positive stories on the internet. Like the one house in Galveston (or whatever town it was) that was the only one still standing after Hurricane Ike. I could focus on all the hundreds of other houses that aren't, but for me to be positive I have to focus on the positive aspect.

I'm sure you're an amazing woman. Who says you need a man to make you feel whole? Family & good friends can sometimes do the same thing without the hassle! Keep the faith, things will get better. I know it!

Chris

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LisaDiane, Your posting could have been written by me at various points in my life. As a woman in my early 50's I was just diagnosed with ADD a few years ago. There have been many times when I've avoided friends, social situations and even employment advancement opportunities as I felt that I would do or say something that would embarrass or cause others to think less of me. I think women with ADD are basically very critical of themselves and tend to ruminate and relive every "dumb thing" ever said or done. I've found in social settings most people do not really notice our perceived defects and if they do they chalk it up as a idiosyncrasy.

The longer you stay away from people and situations the harder it will be for you to jump back in. Try to find a volunteer opportunity within your community where you can do something, anything with others and best of all it doesn't cost a thing. Most food banks need people to sort food for their pantry or pack food boxes. Nursing homes are in need of 'friendly visitors' for their residents (speaking of lonely) and animal shelters need walkers and other help. Check your newspaper or local Community Agencies for listings. Once you take that initial step things will get easier.

And if you find you do or say something that is "humiliating" try a little humor-I do this frequently and it works. People like others that can joke about their 'faults', a little self-depreciation endears people to others. Call up an old friend that you've lost contact with and ask to meet for a cup of coffee. If they pass, try another. Use any opportunity you can to get out into the world-attend church, go to the library and join their book club. These are things you can do that do not cost a lot of money but will provide you with social encounters and also make you feel better about yourself.

One other thing, maybe you need to have a medical evaluation regarding medications. I have been on several different combinations-after three years I finally think this last assortment is working. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I feel almost (but not entirely) normal.

You got to get out there and take a risk, make some efforts. There are no easy answers. As my therapist tells me, I need to change my habits. It's a struggle everyday but well worth it.

I wish you the best, Lena

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Thanks so much to both of you who responded to my post. I really appreciate the compassion and good ideas you offered. I know from past experience that when I push past the inertia and take some kind of action, it can loosen the grip of depression. The prescribing shrink recently said that there is nothing new to try for medication that I haven't already tried. Sometimes I'm too anxious to take the full amount of adderal. I know that I need to do more, take more risks, rather than expect the medication to be 100% of the solution. Anyway, thanks again for being there.

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Our lives are lonely. Period. We have a "gift" as people say, but I would trade it in heartbeat to not be this way. Since we can't we just lead the best lives we can, and they are extremely lonely. I try to tell people this, but they dont get it.

I used to dream prior to 9/11. Then I would feel like I was in a a crowd screaming so loudly and no one could hear me....had it my whole life. Now it is just a reality.

I guess we just learn to deal....what other choice is there?

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I am a strong bbeleiver in good days and bad days. Good days include my doing something brave to talk to someone I consider to be closer than others to me. Good days are when I shut down shitty self talk--deciding that there is always someone doing better or worse-the question should be instead, "Am I doing something NOW that is a step towards where I want to be?". I have also decided to look into finding a coach-all the while accepting that I won't make it happen in a linear fashion. We all know bad days, I think. Sometimes I simply have to try to go to bed early with a bit of faith that I get to try again tomorrow. Lying on my back after a lonely day waiting for sleep sucks. But I refuse to give up hope. I have a great sense of humor, and yes I suck at remembering birthdays, hey if you invite me and remind me to go, I'd liven up that party but good (joke). Because of forums like this I know my trip, which can be lousy at times, is not unique; I refuse to give up the fight. Thankfully, no one says gravely, "Why don't you just.... " here. It is never easy. There is never a "just". I am proud of the fact that this manner of being wired allows me to see many things at once. But my inertia in response to the need to get so many simple things done drives me crazy sometimes. Good days and bad days. I am working on a good night's sleep. Wish me luck. I wish you hope. I wish you guys well.

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Thanks to Stew4AA and Clear Day for your contributions. I got notification from this site to my email address about your responses. I appreciated the messages of hope through the ups and downs. I haven't been here since I posted. I look into resources and then promptly forget that they exist. I need to build in some reminders somehow. So many pieces of info become part of the landscape of clutter, mental clutter and paper clutter. That gets overwhelming, so I ignore it all.

This next thought probably belongs in another thread, but...I've started with a new therapist recently, and as with past therapists, I'm given yet another potential diagnosis. It's hard to trust the "science" of psychology when diagnosis seems so subjective and varied. I'm now told that severe anxiety is the main problem, with obsessive-compulsive traits. Previous therapists told me that the main problem was ADD or trauma or depression or bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. I think I can rule out the last two. There's almost humor in this. Oh well. Therapy has its limits anyway. I don't hear anything new and need to stop expecting the "experts" to offer up some magic bullet.

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After spending most of my 47 years impatient, depressed, and anxious I've started reading some books on buddhism. This is not a typical philosophy (not referred to as a religion on purpose) about how help will arrive from an outside source. For me, this is an appealing philosophy because it suggests that we ALL have the opportunity and innate ability to change how we look at life which then changes our life. Buddhism focuses (LOL) on techniques and viewpoints that anyone can do. Nobody I've read has claimed this is an easy road to follow. Most, in fact, say that it is difficult (just like life). Compassion and loving-kidness are core steps towards accepting who you are and who the people around you are without judging. I've rambled again and that is ok. Some of my favorite authors are: Pema Chodron, Jack Kornfield, Lin Jensen, and Ajahn Brahm. I wish happiness and peace for all of you wherever you can truly find it. Life is precious, short, and worth enjoying in every waking moment.

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I've had a meditation practice in the past and years ago sat with a Vipassana group in town. I've been on retreats with Joseph Goldstein and Sharon Salzberg, and read Kornfield. Those hindrances will get you every time. I began finding excuses not to practice daily, and voila, crazy again. I keep "meaning to" get back to it, and stop listening to myself saying "You've got other things to do", "You're too restless", etc. etc. Thanks for the reminder.

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I just wanted to reply by saying you should not feel overwhelmed or frustrated. I completely understand that it is difficult to mingle or get to know people when you are lonely. I have difficulty with keeping relationships because I end up saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I am learning to be more aware of myself and my actions which has helped me with friends, but unfortunately not relationships (yet). If you take everything one step at a time life will easily come to you. Keep faith and positivity within yourself and the inner you will always prevail. Sincerely; rmjackson

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Connection is an important part of good health and, while it's really hard to get out when depressed, connection does help relieve depression. The ideas of joining a community group are a good one - consider community service through a town organization or a church, or a group of hobbyists who share an interest.

If you think you are depressed, consider adding exercise to your routine. Research suggests that regular aerobic exercise helps depression as well or better than Zoloft...not bad!

As for saying the wrong things, if you have the funds, you might consider hiring a communication coach for a while to see if that helps. You can practice reading emotional cues from others (help you determine what direction a conversation is going in) as well as practice how to phrase things so that they come out more as you mean. Maybe that sounds weird, but being creative in your problem solving is good, right?

Melissa Orlov writes the "Your Marriage" column for ADDitude, as well as a blog about how ADHD affects relationships at http://www.adhdmarriage.com.

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I think it was Lena 03 that spoke of "saying the wrong thing". Usually, once I feel welcomed or invited into a conversation, I do fine, or at least, I've gotten feedback that people enjoy talking with me, see me as kind, articulate, humorous, interested in others. I guess the hardest part for me is in a strange group situation when others are engaged in various conversations and I can't think of a natural way to join. The longer I stand around on my own, the more awkward I feel. I'm sure I'm not the only one with that insecurity, but I give in to it a lot. Tonight, I was intending to go to an art opening and as often happens, I wound up staying home. I guess it's about practicing simple ways to initiate socializing, regardless of the fears. They're probably not going to go away.

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I am bad about checking the board, but your validation means more than you will EVER know...

We are different, but different is good. I learned along time ago it is better to be a leader than a follower..., which is just in our nature to lead. How we choose to lead is up to us.....YES, it is lonely, but I run into so many Flight Attendants with kids with dyslexia & add. I share my life, the pain the glory and the tricks, I make a difference...in the end if you can change 1 person or help 1 parent understand all of /our my suffering to help their child makes me feel I am helping someone not suffer like I. In our world that is paramount....I help my son everyday, telling him to walk away, not get upset; rethink it come back etc. what I never had..........I tell people who & what I have. If they meant to be my friend then they will learn...if not then, they are not worth it...loneliness is just a fact, but how we choose to use it is up to us. I have good, great, horrible and awful days...but the days I make a difference make the rest seem minor. Have to be positive and driven, Use the gifts we have not focus on the ones we do not! Which is much easier said than done….

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