Relaxing

I don’t know how to relax. I sit around and do nothing a lot but I don’t actually relax (body and brain). I can lay down and watch TV all day but feel so tense and my mind is going. I usually have sleeping problems, but not for the last year or so. When I started grad school they were bad, but I was taking my afternoon dose of adderall (overall ½ of what I am supposed to take). I would not judge how much I slept based on how long I was in bed. I would pay attention to if I woke up or not. There were many nights I would lay down for 8 hours but never actually wake up. I would let my mind wonder and daydream but never actually sleep. I would be daydreaming and hear my alarm never loosing consciousness. Sometimes I would get back up and do homework lying down is boring. So then I stopped lying down before 4 or 5 am. I don’t try to shut my mind off when I sleep, I can slow it down and then I have to think of something or open my eyes. So I just think until I pass out. It works, most of the time. I don’t know how relaxed my body is when I sleep. I mean I know it has to be but I fall asleep tense. I toss and turn and wake myself up with how hard I hit the mattress. I get air. I move and shake a lot throughout the day and night and have muscles that will randomly twitch for hours or days. I am supper skinny so I can see my bicep ticking when it does it. My nickname is twitch, which is a prompt to stop! I can shake the floor with my legs which will sake the couch I am not sitting on. I was even shakier before meds and it is not a result of the meds, don’t take my adderall 7 days a week.

I also have had back problems and Group Health would rather give meds. I was given Vicodin and Valuim for like 3 years, until I got new insurance (3 years ago). I rarely took it because it made me groggy and I worked with small children with autism or was in college courses in the morning. Common knowledge told me it was a bad idea to take adderall all day and vicodin and valium to sleep. The valium was the only thing that made my muscles relax, but that is not what I need. When I went to physical therapy they taught me some relaxing strategies, but they have not worked for me. One being the tensing up and relaxing parts of your body. And breathing exercises drive me crazy. Thinking about them makes me anxious and want to scream. When I get supper worked up (hysterical) the only way I can calm down is to hold my breath. I know this does not make sense but it actually relaxes my muscles and slows me down within 5 seconds. My eyes even close. It is better than screaming like I want to do. I save that for the car, and usually it is the stress and built up and intensity of the day. It isn’t out of anger, usually I am pretty happy, I just need to scream. Just know it is better done while moving, the people at the light next to you can hear you.

I feel compelled to run around in circles but can’t get the motivation to do the shit I need to do. I feel frustrated and have so much energy but I get home from work and I just want to sit and do nothing. So it like I never relax but I don’t do anything. If you ask if I exercise…no. I don’t like to. I was forced to run cross-country in high school, and I was very good. Which was especially impressive because I was a heavy smoker. It was supposed to teach me the 3 Ds (dedication, determination, and I forgot). At anytime I can outrun most girls I know. I usually have a pretty active lifestyle since I work with students with autism. I usually work or go to school between 40 and 70 hours a week and I am an overachiever at school/work. Wait, I don’t think I ever work 40 until next week. Thanks to adderall!

Things like yoga drive me crazy too. It is way too slow for me. Maybe if it taught me something at the same time. Growing up classical music was the only thing that gave me anxiety. But I did like to spin in circles untill I fell down.

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