Is staring at you in the face, they way you put it sounds like he's leaving you no choice but to leave. Time to move on start fresh. Remember Change is the one constant factor in thr Universe. Give him and ultimatum, if he really does care deep down inside but refuses to show it then your leaving will do two things: either he will make a commitment to change his behavior or he will realize once you've left what he's lost. All the best on your Journey!

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Hi:

I have been reading articles and post on this site for some time, but I just joined today because I am in the SAME boat. Except for the fact about your daughter. I have been dating/married to my husband for 17 years, he too has ADHD, everyone in the world can see that but him. He has 6 children (two of them our ours together) and out of the 6, 5 have been diagnoised with ADHD, but he can't and won't see that he is the common denominator. He says he does not need medication, that he is fine and is not hyper. All too wrong. Every symptom I see in my children, I see in him, magnified by 10 without the hyperness, but at the age of 48, he is not going to really be hyper. As my youngest son has OCD, my husband does as well. He spends money without telling me (big purchases, like heavy equipment or boats) and once purchased (used), he obsess over them until everything on them is brand new, painted and spends just as much money doing that. He will stay out in the garage until 4-5 in the morning, then sleep all day as he has his own business as well. Which in turn, means he is not working. When he get a good job, he will do it, then get paid, and not manage his money at all until nothing is left. The one thing that bugs me the most is that EVERYTHING is always, someone elses fault, never his! Most of the time, he blames our 16 year old for everything. He looses his key and wallet contstantly and says someone stole it. He drives me nuts!! I love him, but I too can't take this anymore, life is so stressful in our home, as hi 14 year old daughter who also has ADHD has come to live with us, this is his 2nd daughter that I have raised at this age. I work all day, 50 miles from home, take/pick up the kids to/from school, all doctors visits, any school meetings etc. Then I come home to do all the house work, cooking, cleaning and taking care of kids, only for him to tell me I never show him any affection. I will admit, I do not, because I am so angry and tired and stressed, that I could care less about sex. I have told him this a million times, and he still refuses to get it. While I am getting 3 kids up and ready for school, he sleeps. I know that he does not get up until about 9 or 10 everyday, but he refuses to admit that. That too makes me angry, because I get up at 5:15 everyday during the week and by 7:00 on the weekends, because he will not get up with our 7 year old. I truly am not a quitter, but I am ready to quit this marriage, I am miserable!! The problem is, he is a good dad, when he wants to be, and a good man, but I cant see past the other things that way overweigh the good. I amde him a doctors apt on Sept. 11th, but I have a feeling he will no show, as he always does. That is another thing, he will NOT go to any doctor apt unless I am there to fill out the paperwork, I feel like I am married to a child. Any suggestions or help advice would be most appreciated!

Thanks

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Josie, This sounds a lot like my husband, who I asked to move out this summer. We have two children with ADD and I believe he has it also, but refuses to get diagnosed. I shared various articles with him, but he was unable to see himself in these. His lack of self-awareness, insensitivity, failure to communicate, and refusal to change finally led me to decide that I had to regain my self-esteem and lead a life without him. I could no longer be his keeper. The anger and resentment had built up over the years, and it was destroying us AND me. It wasn't until he moved out and I went to therapy that I realized how much I'd given up in this marriage. I had lost sight of who I was and what I wanted out of life. After several months apart, we both have decided that it's best to part. He still thinks he doesn't need to change. It's sad because we've not only ended our relationship, but the kids will now have to live without both parents in the home.

My advice would be to seek professional help; marriage counseling if he will go and individual counseling to help you cope. I hope you have a better end result than us.

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I have tried counselling with and without him. When I go with him, we will get good ideas, but then he will never follow through with reading the book with me, or taking advise, etc. When I go by myself I am told to either accept it or leave him. And I am not ready to leave yet, but unfortunately my resolve to stay is quickly eroding away.

He can be sweet and loving; he does a lot of housework, and when I had surgery he was a wonderful caregiver. Maybe that is because he always needs to be in charge - which is fine when you are sick, but not when you are a capable adult, who wants to be treated as an equal. He is a wonderful cook and does 98% of the cooking. He will do little sweet things, like bring me my soda in the morning (that is equivalent of your coffee), he calls me several times a day to tell me he loves me; he encourages me to by things for myself, and go places with my friends if I want to. He would be perfect if only he stop acting immature. He, too, always has to be right, and blames the kids or me if something is lost or goes wrong. He will do something or say something hurtful, and then doesn't apologize. When I talk to him about it, he admits he should not have done it, and says, "you know I apologize", but this is not the same as sincerely saying "I am sorry I hurt you." This may sound stupid, but to me there is a big difference, because the second way says that he knows he hurt you and is sorry.

The kids are almost gone now, and I keep hoping that will make a difference. But I don't know. He still expects to plan our time together. For example, if we are at a store and he wants to stop at another place or two on the way home, he is driving, and so we do. If we are out someplace and I want to stop at a store, even it if is just across the street, he refuses, and says he will drive us home, and then if I want to, I can drive back - this is even if the other store is 15 miles away. There are times when he will ask me what I want to do, but then if it is something he doesn't want to do, he will usually either convince me to do something else, or will find some reason why we cannot do it. Also, he always has reasons why his way is correct, and he always has to tell people that his way to do something is better than their way -- which is one of the reasons that we are not close with my son-in-law. No one likes to be told that they are wrong, and that the other person is smarter. And even if my husband is proven to be wrong about something, he still will not admit it. I used to chalk things like this up to a rough childhood, but at 50+ years, it is time for him to be able to admit when he is wrong.

Because he can be so wonderful and sweet, I hate to leave him, because I am religious and believe marriage should be forever, and I don't want to hurt him by leaving him, besides I still DO love him. But sometimes i feel like me, as an individual, is suffocating under all the ways he stops me from being me.

Has anyone else been to this point? What caused you to stay or go? Did it ever get better or worse? You that left your husband, how has your life changed? Do you ever regret your decision, or wish that you had done it sooner? Please help me through this, I need guidance, and my friends and relatives can't understand this.

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2 nights ago I gave my husband an ultimatum: read an article about adult A.D.D. or (strongly implied) I file for divorce. Last night I asked for his response to the article and was told 1) he doesn't think he has ADD because, although the psychiatrist he's currently seeing thinks he does, a learning disabilities counselor at his college thinks he doesn't; 2) his job history isn't as checkered as those of the people in the article (in the 5 years we've been married he's worked for 4 different companies, is on the brink of getting transferred within one company to avoid termination for the third time, and been on unemployment for 2 six-month periods); 3) although the article advocates use of a non-stimulant drug, my husband's shrink had recommended a stimulant, which he doesn't want to take because of his past history of drug addiction, so this somehow leads him to conclude he doesn't need any medication. Trouble is I can't live with him the way he is. I have multiple sclerosis. My symptoms are a combination of cognitive dysfunction--mostly short-term memory and information processing speed problems that mean I need a great deal of order and structure-- and an assortment of physical problems, including pain and crippling fatigue, that can be triggered by stress or inconsistent maintenance of my diet, exercise, rest and medication routines. Of course, order, structure and routine are the opposite of life with an untreated ADD spouse! I spend a lot of time seeing different specialists, need lots of help with housework, and have high medical costs (mostly covered by my former employer and Medicare, thank goodness, but still leaving little margin for financial "error"). I met my husband 6 months after I was diagnosed and probably married him because I was afraid to face my disease alone. When we married I knew he was dyslexic, but in time I began to suspect that wasn't the whole story. I had an extremely successful career I loved and fought giving up until my neurologist advised me to retire two years ago. I've always made 2-3 times as much money as my husband and still do, even though my income is reduced because of early retirement. Three years ago, when my brothers and I sold our parents' house, I inherited a lot of money. Thanks to my husband's impulsiveness, inability to stick to a budget or make realistic financial plans, nearly all of my inheritance is gone. Although he's returned to school part-time, in an effort to complete college sometime in his early 50s, it seems unlikely that he's going to wind up with the sort of salary he dreams of, given his age, job history, and the current economy. I'd always planned to save most of the money I inherited for a "rainy day," in case my disease takes a sudden turn for the worse and I need to go into a long-term care facility. My husband refuses to even discuss preparation for such possibilities and accuses me of "just obsessing" about my disease when I try to talk to him about its progressive nature. Aside from his temper tantrums, impracticality and obliviousness to other's feelings, he's a really sweet guy who wouldn't (knowingly) hurt a flea. But I feel like our marriage is extremely damaging to me. I'm not religious, don't have kids, and really think divorce is the only solution if he continues to resist treatment for ADD. Meanwhile, I just wish there was someone for me to talk to! I'm depressed and scared and angry about feeling trapped in this situation.

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Does he seem to control you on some level? Mine does, by making me feel dumb if I do not agree with him, making it difficult for me to do something that he does not want me to do.

What makes you stay with him? Do you really love him, or feel you cannot live alone, or what? I am not trying to be nosy, but am trying to figure out why I stay with my husband, and thought maybe your answer would help me understand why I stay.

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I know what it is like to be the ADD/ADHD spouse; and believe me when I say marriage isn't easy. The biggest difference from your husband I sought treatment and is currently on medication. Many times it is hard for you to think what part you have played in these marriages. I know it sounds harsh ; but what I am trying to say is many times you get what you have allowed to occur. I know how hurtful I can get when I feel pressured or am put down. I also am smart enough to know that its is not anyones fault. Medication does help me; but it isn't the magic bullet that you may think. It help me focus ; but it does always keep the impulsiveness or the I am going to ignore you at bay. My husband has learned to accept most of my symptoms ; and I am called out when I do something he doesn't like. I also call him out about his things. It isn't easy to hear that we are seemed to be defective in a way such as the yway your husbands feel when they hear that they must read this.because they are showing signs of the ADD/ADHD. If anything when I was constantly told I was the F--- up allt he time I became very angry and depressed. They won't do anything about their ADD unless they are see that things are falling apart. I know because I did the same thing until I almost quit my marriage.

I have a bank account that he can't access no matter how ever he wants to do. So it maybe the thing that will work for you at least about your financial matters. It helps because he can't his nose into my business. Many ADD/ADHD people are very impulsive with their purchases. If he does it without your okay, I would sell them without his okay. If he asks what is up. My response would be" You bought it without my okay, so I'm selling it without your okay. If you threaten you must be willing to make good on it. I would not advise a empty threat. So if you don't get what you want you will have to make good on it. Now I want to also let you know meds and therapy will make some of the symptoms less; but if you think they will disappear completely take it from the ADD/ADHD person in this realationship who has been on meds for awhile now . They don't sometimes it takes a extaordinary effort to be the wife he wants, and I am also not the only one in this relationship so it takes both of our best to keep it working . I am going to be married for 23 years this Novemeber. I hope this helped some to see the point from the ADD/ADHD person. Also it always harder for ment to admit they have a problem

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I could have written several of these postings as the descriptions of the attitudes and behaviors of other husbands was the same as mine. The stories I could tell!

Once, when I made the mistake of suggesting that he had ADHD (our son had already been diagnosed earlier), his face got so red with anger and he vehemently denied it. Later that evening, add the stress of a dying pet that we rushed to the emergency clinic and had to be put to sleep, and it got worse. On the drive home he told me that if I ever said he had ADHD again, or if I even thought it , he would kill me. I just kept my mouth shut.

There was only one way to do anything--His way! No other opinion or idea had any merit, and whatever I said was always wrong. And it was always someone else's fault, most of the time it was my fault. I was to blame when my daughter was trying to sell her car and the deal fell through. Why was it my fault? Because I hadn't thought it was a good idea for her to sell her reliable car just to get a new one she couldn't afford. ( The positive spin on this is that he must have thought I had a lot of power to be responsible for everything that went wrong. )

He would complain that I never made decisions and insist I pick the restaurant I wanted to eat at, and then, for each suggestion I made, he found fault with it (like they didn't serve beer at the place I chose or he wasn't in the mood for Italian, or whatever reason) and we still ended up going where he wanted to go.

My husband would never admit he was wrong either, even if you had solid proof that he was wrong.

He refused to change, compromise and he absolutely refused to read anything. He said he didn't like to read and he wasn't going to read anything. Not that he would listen to anything on audio either. It was just an excuse for something he didn''t want to do.

And I didn't know anything about anything (even if it related to my job and area of expertise) and if I told him I knew of numerouse professionals and a dozen books that agreed with me, he would say that I just believe whatever I read. As if I'm an imbecile.

All doctors were morons or jerks so he wasn't going to any doctor. That went double for therapists. There was nothing wrong with him. And he wasn't going to change! I either had to accept him as he was or I could leave.

Eventually, I learned not to say much around him. Everything I said was made fun of, I was told I was stupid, or he would turn it into something negative and I'd never hear the end of it. He would scream and yell at the television if he didn't agree with the views of someone on television. Everyone was an idiot. The neighbors, teachers, bosses, my friends, my relatives, the doctors, etc.

My husband also had a difficult childhood, physically, verbally and emotionally abused by his mother. He was also adopted and had severe ADHD that was never diagnosed. He was told he was stupid, lazy and bad.

I don't know if anyone else had this problem, but I could pretty much count on every holiday being ruined--Thanksgiving and Christmas particularly. There were a few good ones but they were the exception.

I knew his childhood and his ADHD contributed to many of the problems but I didn't know that he had another undiagnosed disorder as well. After 23 years of marriage and a breakdown and near suicide (my husband, not me), we eventually found a doctor who diagnosed what everyone else had missed (he had finally seen a psychiatrist or two for depression). Neither of us had heard of the disorder before, yet the description of the disorder fit my husband to a T. Oh, and the doctor casually announced to us that my husband also had ADHD.

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My husband did finally get the help he needed (including ADHD medication) and it made a tremendous difference. He's come a long way since then.

He had been diagnosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. It is frequently misdiagnosed as Bipolar, and it usually is accompanied by at least one other disorder or multiple disorders. BPD can be comorbid with Bipolar, depression, dysthymia, panic attacks, OCD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and ADHD, just to name some of the more common ones. There are similarities with Bipolar disorder (mood swings but no mania, and mood swings can change instantly, even several times during one day) and similarities with ADHD (impulsiveness in areas that are self-destructive i.e., gambling, substance abuse, overspending or compulsive shopping, sexual promiscuity; emotional overreaction, extreme sensitivity to stress, anger easily, bored easily, memory problems).

Many of these postings sound all too familiar. Another interesting note is some of the risk factors associated with the development of the disorder--adoption, abuse, untreated ADHD, early parental loss, head injury, and heredity.

Although the usual rate of prevalence is listed as 1-2%, more recent studies have shown rates of 6-7% of the population having this disorder. And the vast majority are undiagnosed. Causes are believed to be a combination of biological vulnerability and environmental stressors, esp. abuse in childhood.

Aside from an official diagnosis, if you want to find out if your spouse fits the profile, I suggest going to a bookstore, such as Barnes and Noble and look for the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger. It will be in the psychology/self-help section. Read the back of the book and if you answer yes to several of the questions, look inside for additional screening questions. When my daughter and I read the back of the book, we thought the author must have lived in our house. How else could she know these things?

Elaine

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I'm am finding myself concerned for some of your well beings. Please remember it is not an exuse for any of you being abused.I am ADHD/ADD and if I find some of the interaction between you and your spouses then it feels very alarming. Some of these post sound you are married to very abusive men. If they ever physically hit you ; the police must be called. Now those of you are being psychologically / emotionally abuse you must go to counselling for yourself ; and find out why you are allowing yourself be abused. If you are fearful and being threaten into certain behavior it is abuse. A psychiatric diagnosis may explain some of it; but it isn't a postive thing to stick it out when abuse starts. I am married ; and I will never accept from my husband the put downs. If he starts I will leave the enviroment. I do not accept apologized from him if he demonstrates behavior that I don't approve of. It is up to our own resolution to take care of ourselves. If children are involved it is imperative they do not learn to abuse female or if female see thier mothe rbeing abused. It is the wrong message for children to learn. Children watch what is happening ; and learn their behavior for themselves based on what they observe so even if you think they don't have any idea what is going on. Now being the ADHD spouse I am not perfect; but I again am learning allot about myself; and I know that I far from stupid if anything I am very resourceful. I will always be ADHD ; and will have my issues especially about finances , organizatiional and impulsiveness. I advoid many of my triggers such as E-bay because I like the chase of the auctions etc. My husband has taken the time to learn about my ADHD which does help because he knows what is like to trigger me. I am seeing an counselor and am taking my medications. I also am eating more correctly and exercizing. I want to be a healthy individual ; and is up to me not my spouse to fix me. It is your job to fix yourself ; not your husbands if he doesn't it is his responsibility to to take and make the changes then unfortunately either you must let the small things slide. If you can't heal and handle the small things then major decision will have to be made . Ultimately you must take of yourself and your child Things that help are the routines like putting my keys in the door so I don't have to find them in an emergency, I put my debit card always in my wallet so I can find it the next time, I always put gas in the car so I never have to wait when I don't have the extra time, I have my things for work all in the same bags so I need to just pick it up and run with it in the morning. I try to always buy extrra ticket for my public transportation (not easy because I am ususlly arriving just as the train pulls in) . I hate to clean so it never easy to have my office room cleaned up. Just remember the little things that can be annoying ; but getting extremely stressed about it doesn't help. Never let anyone ABUSE you . Good LUck ladies , I do hope I help some

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I see a pattern in many of these posts dealing with spouses/marital problems. Many of them being with husbands.

1. Parents solve their children's "problems" by diagnosing them with ADD and sometimes medicating.

2. Wife sees same "problems" in their husband, and tells them they have the same problem.

Don't you see? Wifes are putting their husband into the same category as their children... like a bad KFC comercial where the kids and the dad are hungry and MOM comes and saves the day.

Husbands usually don't want another mother--they already have one. They want a wife who agreed to love them "for better or for worse"-- no matter if they have ADD or not. Chances are, your husband is hurt because he feels that you are trying to fix them or that you are treating him like a child.

I know that you don't want to hurt your husband. You're just trying to help him become a better person. In my opinion, the best way do to that is to meet him where he is. Love him and his tendency to forget appointments. Even though it doesn't seem that way, nagging won't solve anything. I have ADD and I had to to come to that on my own terms in my own time. Your husband is not your child, respect him enough to give him time to come to terms with this.

Again, I don't know what other issues play into to this, and I'm certainly not judging anybody on their decisions. I just wanted to give another side of the story. People can be in a successful marriage AND have ADD. So, just because your husband has ADD, whether or not he admits it, doesn't mean that your marriage has to fail.

I hope that what I had to say was positive for you and that you can work things out with your spouses. I'll leave with you a phrase my mom always says. Ask not what your marriage can do for you, but what you can do for your marriage.

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I'm the guy who's married to josiepatosie and I've a few retorts if I might. I have acknowledged, in fact publicly stated many times that I have ADD. I do NOT have ADHD. I am compulsive, impulsive, and at times self-righteous. I am at the point in my life where I've been reasonably successful at my career, having made job changes for the family's sake rather than getting bored or run off. I've held management positions with leading edge organizations and my reviews praised my ability to manage multiple tasks all at once. Where I'm remiss is my bed-side manor at times - I see the obvious and respond and expect others to lead, follow, or step aside correspondingly (no, I do not have Asperger's)..

All of the usual background issues are there - adopted, physical disabilities, stoic father and berating mother, etc... However I don't feel handicapped, rather blessed by having some adversity in my life at an early age (my childhood actually was pretty good) and a relatively normal family unit and what I believe to be a good marriage and family. I have health reasons to not take stimulants and as for other types of meds, I'm currently taking seven different pills twice a day just to stay alive. Do I need to take more, or can we (my wife and I) work through this? I hope the latter.

As for hiding money, it was never for my gain - toys, gambling, women, etc... It was for presents, our nights out, etc

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Like, Grumpy, I've admitted having ADD to my significant other (girlfriend of 8 years). We get along fairly well but it does take a lot of work and open communication.

Even on days when we're both aware of my "issues," we can still end up in an argument! Humor and trying to meet each other halfway really helps. I've only had medication for a brief time a few years ago, but I am interested in trying it again. Medication can be tailored to help when it's needed.

For me, sometimes it's been in an academic setting, sometimes at home, and sometimes at work. Though I've excelled in various aspects of my life, it's often hard to be good at all of them at the same time. So while I may be a great employee, my personal life may suffer or I'll flounder in school. I'm looking into either medication or counseling to get me more balanced overall and for the long term health of my career and relationship!

The following things have worked for us in various contexts.

- (for me) Realizing love is a <em>verb</em>. It's something to show and express. It sounds like Grumpy has no problem expressing his love for Jossie in a variety of ways as she's described his sweetness.

- Structure and habits help. Having my girlfriend make it clear what is important to her as well as having myself developing and adapting the right habits help keep the relationship healthy.

- I've picked up habits like always put my wallet, phone, and keys, in the same spot as well as paying all the bills electronically. It's not easy to make good habits, but once created, it makes things much smoother.

- By focusing on objective needs, we can meet half-way and I don't keep missing the point and she's able to express what she wants.

I admit, it's probably hard to not to take the aloofness and distractibility of an ADDer personally. For my girlfriend, it's sometimes even harder to have to explain what she thinks should be obvious to me, someone that cares deeply about her. But when she accepts my distractibility , but still asserts her needs and expectations, it's easier for me. I'm less anxious about all the ways that I could do something wrong and I have positive behaviors to focus on and improve.

We're not perfect, but I believe our relationship is rewarding.

I'm guessing that since Josie and Grumpy haven't posted since, perhaps his (first and) last communication on the forum was a step in the right direction for the both of them? I wish you and all the other posters the best.

Oh and the distinction between ADD and ADHD can be subtle. Current usage has ADHD as the "generic" diagnosis, with the version without hyperactivity called "ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Type" (a mouthful, for sure!). See http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/add-adhd-39877-5.html.

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I believe my ex-husband and I are both adhd. With my marriage I was always last on the list of things important to him. Then his "friend" got involved and decided to play therapist and tell my husband "I" had issues. Turns out my husband was self medicating with Meth- which by the way makes the ADHD much worse - because now - they are paranoid on top of it. I knew it was time to leave when i realized I had lost all respect for him. I didn't want to blame my friends or family for what I thought needed to be done so I went to a therapist who agreed - the (soon to be) ex needed to leave. Here was my strength - I didn't want him to take me down with him - my decision was all about self preservation. Once on my own ,my income doubled the first year and again each year after that for about 3 years. Since I wasn't putting so much energy into my relationship I could focus on my work/me. I would suggest maybe a negotiation. Ask them if they will try the medication for two weeks (I noticed a difference right away). If they won't try it, then you need to decide what is best for you. Determine for yourself what environment will allow you reach your best potential and make the decision that is right for you. If they do take the medication and it doesn't work for them - you will still need to make the same choices. You can't change people because the only person you can control is you, so the only person you can change is you. It's OK to take control of "your" life. Talk with family/friends in case you will need extra help to make any changes. Best of Luck to all of you I wish I could give you each a hug.

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