I too have a sister that does not understand adhd at all. She has 2 kids that exel at school, they are very disciplined and are kept under tight control,not being allowed much freedom. I on the other hand have 2 sons with add, the eldest is now 22 yrs old and struggling to make it in the real world after leaving the structured life of university,battling social phobias and depression, the younger one was diagnosed at about 10 years old with add and also with expressive receptive language disorder, he and my nephew are in the same grade, but on opposite ends of the academic scale, he is a lovely boy, sporty and popular, but becomes really frustrated with school,is disruptive and sometimes rude.he also suffers from anxiety which recently developed into panic attacks. To explain what you are going thru to someone who has never experienced the frustrations of raising an add child is virtually impossible. I often feel very on the defensive when my sister gives me advice too. I did notice that when my sons were younger they would often re-act strongly when she was around, almost as if they sense the animosity and disapproval and act up more because of it, also they would not succumb to her controlling behaviour,causing more disharmony. I dont know of a solution to your problem but perhaps you could give her a book to read on adhd that might make her understand better what you are dealing with, or take her to your councillor with you and have the councillor explain adhd to her. Quote:

Frustrated said: I hope someone can help me. My just turned 13 yr old son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7. He has been on medication since. He has come a long way, with noticable improvement (from his parent's and doctor's anyways). My sister cannot understand why I - keep calm when he's having a meltdown. Why I don't - wash his mouth out with soap when he's disrespectful and rude. Why I don't get on him every single time he does something. She just thinks that I either, don't care, or I just can't be bothered, or whatever. She thinks I should be on his case every single minute. How can I explain, that I'm not the "perfect" mom she was. That I agree no kids should talk to their parents or other adults the way he does, but he does. Why if I just let him do what he wants to do (ie..scream, he needs a towel) and I calmly say to him, and yes, maybe I say it 10 times... when you calm down and can ask politely I will bring you a towel, is what works with him. She can't stand being around him, and now I don't know what to do. My family is very close, but this is driving my sister and I apart. Her and I are like best friends. We always spend the special occasion's together, like, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc with family, but now I don't think I want to take my son anymore. If he doesn't go, I don't go. She does not believe for a minute that it's his disorder's that are making him difficult. She believes that he's not being parented strictly and properly. Your advise would certainly be welcomed. Thank you.

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Relatives can't understand because they have "normal" children. Granted our children are not abnormal, but they have a special set of issues. The reason relatives don't get it is because they don't believe in ADHD. They believe in BAD. I dare anyone to tell me and my husband that we have not been good parents. I have decided a long time ago that we have to get our backs up when it comes to protecting ourselves and our kids from ignorance surrounding their disability. They could not handle one day with our kind of children and still love them. It is work. These children tend to be extremely strong-willed, and resilient. They tend to struggle in school because school is geared in direct opposition to their physiological makeup. We have to support and help each other. They may never understand. It would be easier to rear our children in a loving and supportive environment, but we may never see that. I pray alot, and read my resources. Tell your sister, if she loves you than she can read on ADHD, and have more insight on what the issues are for them and you. Give her something simple to reference. It may save your relationship and be an eye-opening relationship.

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My son is 8 and I am beyond attempting to get relatives, friends etc. to "understand". After attending a parenting workshop for ADD/ADHD we were given this quote: DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

Don Miguel Ruiz

I keep this quote on my refrig. and I can tell you it was a very freeing experience for me and my husband in dealing with melt downs and our son. We have two other children now in college who don't understand ADHD and why we don't beat our child when he is displaying this behavior. Every child is different and ADHD and ADD is something people may or maynot understand. So in the meantime I will continue in my own reality!

What's important is that we support one another for we are only the one's who truely understand .

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My step-mom (even my brother) used to think I was just being an idiot parent and was always jumping on my kid(s) when I tried to discipline. Yes, they both would act like total ADHD kids. Running, getting into things, not paying attention, maturity level lower than 'usual'. Then 3 years ago my youngest son (now 16) started spending summers with her and my dad. After the 1st summer, (and she is a teacher that has taught to students that are ADHD, w/other comorbid issues-last ditch effort at school due to issues). She understood on a 24-7 reality how 'H' my 16 yr. old was and what I had been going thru for the past 16 years! WOW. Ya think?! Even my brother one day mentioned after CJ was running around like a banshee how 'H' he was and commented to my dad and step-mom about it and mentioned that he didn't know how I did it with a child so 'H'. I just do. And, yes, over the years I have learned to calm down and 'wait' for the frustration to pass before continuing on w/a discussion or something. My son is very critical when he is in a meltdown phase and takes it out on me (his mom). I know to just almost ignore it and wait until he hits ground and then we can work it out. Others don't. There was an incident this weekend where there was an issue with a DVD player. He snapped at me when I asked a simple question and my step-mom blew up at him. He stayed away the rest of the nite. Even after 3 summers and weekends for the past 3 years, she doesn't get it yet. Yes, it didn't hurt to get the support, but it was not necessarily good for my kid either. She is his confidant, they have a special relationship and I would hate to see that broken because the understanding that when the frustration is building, that is where the criticism is coming from. Stay strong in your way of doing things that work for your child. If someone doesn't understand them, maybe they should just butt out anyway. Remind your sister that your kid is not hers and she may do very well with her own, but that she needn't make the nasty comments she makes to you. Try talking with your mom, her, you over coffee and whatnot and see what happens. What I found with my brother is that he really didn't understand what Hyper meant and how it affects kids. They don't want to all the time either. I swim in the joy knowing that I am continuously getting compliments from strangers on how much of a gentleman my child is when he opens a door, helps with bags, mows a lawn for an elderly person, or shovels snow to help someone get out of their driveway, just because it needs doing. These are of his own volition, I bet your sisters kids don't have compliments made to her like that! I know my step-mom never had compliments like that about her son. Who is ADHD (undiagnosed) and big and loud and a bully. Yes, he's my step-brother, but he's still a bully.

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