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12 Aug 2008 @ 11:42 AM
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| tryingtohelp |
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Tue 12th Aug 2008
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Trying to Help Boyfriend's Daughter
I am in a new relationship with a man that is divorced with 2 girls - 6 and 5.. His X decided to leave and just didn't want to be married anymore.. they have been apart for almost 2 years now.. she has been living with someone else for most of that time... anyway, we have been together for almost 5 months but have been friends for a while before that...he told me when we first started talking that his oldest daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD - she goes to a special school that has both speech therapist and also an occupational therapist to help her focus.. Since the relationship has been progressing, I have been trying to do a little research on the topic to see what else can be done at home to help and from everything that I have read so far, it seems like having structure and routines is one of the most important things, along with diet and things like that.... I talked to him about the information that I have been reading and he agreed she definitely needs more structure in her life and so on.. The slight problem right now is, how do we know that she is getting the same "help" from her Mother and that atomosphere there.. he can only do what he can when he sees her.. which is every other weekend and every tuesday and every other Thursday... so will our efforts to help her really help if she isnt' getting anything from her Mother? He said that he really has no idea what goes on at their house... he said that he wouldl ask and try to find out.. I know I'm not the mother of this child but I would like to do waht I can to help her.. I see her struggling sometimes to do certain things or how she acts out and it makes me wonder what can we do to help.. the other situation is that for the time being, he is staying with his parents.. so there is a lot of other stimuli around that also can steer her away from focusing... I was just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation before... not sure if there is anything that we can really do, but I just feel the need to reach out and see whats out there.. thanks for listening.. |
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19 Aug 2008 @ 12:07 AM
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| Lorelei |
Join Date:
Mon 18th Aug 2008
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consistency will pay off - eventually
In my opinion, structure, predictability, consistency are absolutely the best things to provide for your boyfriend's daughter. But be patient - you won't see results immediately. As a matter of fact, you may not get any proof that you're doing the right thing for a year or two, until one day out of the blue, the girl announces that she wants to be with the two of you more and with her own Mom less (assuming, that is, that the Mom is not providing the same structure at her end). His daughter might not even understand or recognize why she feels better at your place, she'll just know that she's a bit happier there, a bit more relaxed, or less stressed. I give you credit for accepting the fact that your boyfriend is a package deal - that you are not dating just him, but his whole family too. Even if things don't work out and down the road you each go your separate ways, you will have laid the foundation for the girls to start recognizing that their surroundings do contribute to their actions and behaviours. As far as their Mother is concerned, you have absolutely no control over that part of their lives (at least, not this early in the relationship) so don't even bother trying. Stay focused on those times when you are with them and have some level of control over the surroundings. Good Luck - you've makde a great start.
Last edited by Lorelei : 19 Aug 2008 @ 12:07 AM.
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