To start with, four things. First, I don't know much about anything. Second, I know even less about you. Third, judging from your photograph, I'm guessing you are between 18 and 25. If your screen name is a clue, "N...S...87," then it's possible you were born in 1987, and are, therefore, twenty-one. In other words, you are very young, relative to me. And fourth, I'm a guy.

Like me, most guys have their hands and brains full just dropping a coin at a toll booth, much less fully appreciating a woman's need for a sensitive listener and a comforting but not controlling companion. And I haven't even dragged ADD or ADHD into this. We like to get to the bottom of a crisis, fix it fast, and move on. Next problem, please. That's always been my style, and I've got the court paperwork to show you where, "next problem," leads.

Your best boyfriend's sudden rapproachment, when "...after days of a distant and cold relationship he leaned over and held me tighter than I've felt," seems, I dunno, vaguely familiar. Something I might have done.

From your well-written, frank, and revealing letter, you describe the hurt that you feel when you have to ask BBF for affirmation. Yes, I can relate to the Nth power. Everyone on this site will give you that affirmation, and we don't need a few nights of deliberation to say so. Yes, you are a good person, and yes you deserve to love and be loved.

Re not wanting to admit that your brain doesn't work right? Try it next time you're pulled over. It might reduce the ticket, a bit. Just don't offer the officer a tug of that non-vintage Nyquil. And I'm the combined type, too, unless yours is a different combination than mine. What? And I have never been able to read between the lines, though I wish that I could, infra.

I recently had a similar experience to yours. Mine happened within a span of 72 hours and went into full, wild chimpanzee mode after my meds ran out. I was tied up on a job and didn't get them refilled that weekend. Everything was kinda normal at first. I had just reestablished contact with my unrequited love of forty years. I hadn't spoken with her since 1984, but I've always known where she was. Hopefully, I'm not as creepy as I'm making this sound.

My immature feelings for her were almost never returned, so, thankfully, I moved on and married a wonderful woman and we have several children. They are the loves of my life. But undiagnosed ADD/ADHD had taken its toll (additionally, I'm just a regular, insensitive pig), and she divorced me.

So to whom did the ADD/ADHD chimp turn to? Yep. Back to my single minded quest of forty years. I really like this person and have a passion for her that defies logic but apparently not a cognitive impairment. Anyway, as I said, things started out normally, but then I started jumping the couch. My friend has a lot of compassion and has put up with a lot of B.S. from me over the years. She did what she usually does, exercised tough love and cut me off at the email. Ouch. I got the message and my meds, pleaded for mercy, and received it. Here's her last reply, after reestablishing contact with me:

"I'm counting on seeing you to catch up on things, but not in the near future. Focusing on me is not a good use of your time, energy, and attention right now. Instead, I would like you to focus on taking care of yourself, so that you can get through an understandably rough phase of life. If you need to regularly eat, sleep, take medications, listen to music, and laugh at the comical, please get it. You have so many reasons to be joyful about the life you have, that it seems a waste to let days pass without experiencing that joy. So, please, focus your energy and attention where it's needed now."

I think that she's telling me at least two things. If there's more, blame it on my combined ADD/ADHD symptoms, 'cause I missed them. Maybe you didn't, Christy, and will let me know? She wants me to take whatever steps are necessary to get mentally and emotionally healthy, and probably the most important, from her perspective, she does not want to be my ADD/ADHD counsellor or care provider. It's more tough love for me, but it is also fair to her. I am focused on making this a friendship, only, relationship. Your opinion, here, Christy, would be appreciated.

Some quick observations about you, Christy:

You're blessed with a mother that you can talk to, probably your best, best friend; you have a sweet and most beautiful face; a fashion preference for black berets and army cammies; slender hands and long, gorgeous fingers; and, best of all, you are a talented and gifted writer. I predict that you will use this gift, and your "big stupid brain," and your combined ADD to make your living writing. As a result, you will make the world a better place for my children. Good luck and please keep writing all of the time. Oh, Boy!

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Thanks for your input Oh Boy! The whole things has been very interesting. After spending much time contemplating our future together (once my irrational thoughts stopped getting in the way) it seems that both of us are hanging on the edge of our seats waiting to see what effect the meds will have. Last night he voiced another fear: "What happens if I still don't think it will work after you're on the meds?" I just had to bite my tongue and not flip out. My crazy insecure brain usually wants to react to such comments by clinging to him for dear life and screaming out: DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!! But instead I took a deep breath and said, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. It seems that I'm having a hard time trying to explain to him the benefits of me being medicated. One of the best quotes I've heard so far on this board was: "I look like I'm on drugs, but I'm not and I need to be, and if I was on drugs, I wouldn't look like I'm drugged up!" er....something like that. The whole idea of someone making a complete turn around just from popping pills seems crazy to anyone that doesn't have ADHD. It's just so hard because this whole process require being patient, (i.e. waiting for my psychologist to forward my diagnosis to my doctor, waiting for an appointment, getting the Rx and all that) which I am anything but patient. I just want to fix things so I can stop feeling so insecure. He just doesn't understand that I am used to everyone, absolutly EVERYONE ditching me. It's very difficult for me to believe, even when I want to, that he's the exception.

Honestly all I can say in terms of your dilema is this: you need to be 100% honest about everything. The hardest thing that happens is if you do things that are irritating and your partner doesn't know what's going on. Ever get tongue tied because your brain gets so overloaded you don't know what to say? Happens to me all the time, and it drives Ray crazy because he thinks I'm ignoring him. If you explain these kinds of ADD phenomenon to the non-ADDer it helps. That way when it's not happening you can talk to them about what you experience and try to work out a way that you can work on it together. Ray and I have agreed that as long as I say SOMETHING (and yes it has to be actual words, in the english language) whether it's; I don't know, I can't talk, I need to think, we've decided that anything is better than nothing. Anyway, that seems to be the biggest hurdle, is just helping them understand, and being completely honest about what you are feeling and experiencing. The more they know, the more they can help you, or atleast be understanding. And if you try all these things and it's still not working, then maybe it's just not meant to be. Because your meds are going to work perfect all the time, and you're going to slip up. If they can't accept you for who you are, ADD and all, then maybe it's time to look for someone else. As long as your are not relying on them 100% and you are not using the ADD as an exscuse, if there is still problems, it's time to reevaluate your descision to be with that person. Hope this helps! -Christy (ps. it's not a fashion statement, I'm in the army)

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I sorta figured you were in the Army; I was, too. You are a lot more mature than I. When it comes to women and love, I've got the emotional I.Q. of an eighteen year old. So I am somewhat envious of you, because I can appreciate the effort, patience, and guts it must have taken for you to bite your tongue when Ray went on about his concerns re your relationship after your meds kicked in. Thanks for relating your calm response to him; it was probably some kind of a milestone for you and another great inspiration for me.

One area where I think that I'm making progress concerns advice. I am wisely becoming more reluctant giving advice. Although, I've been there and done that and think that I recognize familiar patterns, I also am beginning to see that reality and my perception of same (relationship issues) aren't necessarily the same thing, after all.

Take your situation, for instance. Previously, I wouldn't have hesitated to give you my opinion and advice re you and Ray. The meds help me bite my tongue, too, so to speak. Otherwise, I'd just be apologizing a lot. I'm kiddiing; I don't care any more. Except for my quest. I don't want to get cut off again. Yikes, that's painful.

Unlike you, my problem isn't saying too little, it's saying too much, too honestly (this is really a bad, bad habit, trust me), and way too soon. So, while I am making progress, I backslide all of the time. Like now, for instance.

As I recalled above, you wrote that you get easily tongue tied. But you have no problem expressing yourself in words. Hmmm. Something tells me that you journal or compile your thoughts somewhere. A lot of answers concerning your self-doubts and relationship issues have probably been answered and thoroughly explained within your writings. Think about reviewing what you've written.

Would you recommend your relationship and your partner's commitment to you and it - assuming, of course, that Ray was Rae - to me? (I''ve probably gone chimp, again, so either "fire for effect" or totally disregard)

Think about joining a local writer's (no, I'm not a writer, but I know 'em when I read 'em) group. As long as you aren't revealing "sources, methods, or techniques," I wouldn't think that the Army would be upset. (O.K., I admit, Chimp is in full control, now) Give your genius a chance to work on something different for a while, something other than your relationship. Get your meds, and look outward. I know the feelings of youth are strong (i.e., we're all attracted to good body heat), get a puppy, put Ray in check, and express yourself outside the relationship.

No doubt I've overstepped the norms of appropriate thread responses, so I'm going to kick-off the boosters and listen to you, now.

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Thanks again, honestly it's just so nice to finally find a place where people just GET IT! ADHD can be soooo confusing if you don't know what's going on inside our own little worlds. You're right, I do, (not so much now but definitly when I was younger) journal. Other times I liked to type, because I found my words on the screen almost kept up with the words in my head. There is definitly a lot of insight that can be found in my writings. Not always the case with my speech. I talk when I think........we all know that a lot of times this just lends itself to: "Open mouth, insert foot." Anyway, I write much more eloquently then I speak. I feel as though I have much more control over this communication process, and that it is much more effective, and to my liking. Often I talk to myself, but this is better. I've written Ray letters a few times, and sometimes that seems to help. Especially if there is something upsetting me. I can communicate in a much more effective manner. Usually my blatant honesty is disarming, and creates a much more positive response to what I'm trying to say. Anyways, I thinking we're getting somewhere, but as usual I just need to slow down and give him so space. I have a good feeling that things between him and I will get better once I'm out of college, working full time, and have a car of my own. We'll be able to appreciate each other's company a lot more if I'm not constantly relying on him for transportation. Anyway, I know that things will get better. It's just an unfortunate fact that I've been ADDing to the mix of Ray's daily stressors. Since he only sees me after my work day is done, after I've been wearing my non-ADD mask all day, unfortunatly he's been getting the brunt of all my worst symptoms over the past few weeks. But if we can get over this rough spot together, I think it will speak volumes towards our commitment to each other. Anyway, enough blabbing for me. Shall we move this to a PM?

-Christy

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