Hi coop:

I wonder: Have you tried behavior therapy at all with your son? It's a more long-term solution and might not work immediately in those "look-in-the-eye" situations, but in the long run it should help him to reign in impulsive behavior with the promise of rewards. Below are some of ADDitude's best articles about behavior therapy, but I would also recommend downloading our free "Alternative Treatment" booklet, which goes into great detail on behavior therapy strategies: http://www.additudemag.com/RCLP/sub/2729.html

Behavior Therapy: How It Promotes Discipline and Focus in Children with ADHD: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/860.html

Treating ADHD with Behavior Therapy: An Alternative ADHD Treatment: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/651.html

I hope this helps!

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When my son was younger that worked, he's a preteen and being "counted out" gets me baby talk and a response of "thats 3" or "thats (some random number). Stopping arguements is much harder because he twists my words and changes the meaning of what Im saying. For example I may say, It's dinner time - wash your hands then come to the table. A few minutes will go by and I may repeat the EXACT same statement or I might say "Come eat" as a friendly general reminder. I will get a response of "well what should I do first, come eat or wash my hands? You told me to wash my hands, now you are telling me to come eat." The voice inside my head says how annoying - my voice sounds annoyed and I say wash your hands and come eat. Sometimes that will be enough, sometime the saga of "words" will continue. How do I end this type of arguement?

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When I ask her a two part question, like wash your hands & come to the table ... then minutes later when I'm saying to come to the table she'll throw it right back at me and say something like, well didn't you just ask me to wash my hands? It's so frustrating! I feel like she's being difficult just to get a rise out of me. She thrives on arguing, and relishes when she can get someone going. (Ok, I know that's not a true statement, but it sure feels like it sometimes).

Jessica

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Out of my own frustration, lack of energy to combat a meltdown, and feeling of hoplessness as I felt like nothing worked anyway, I stumbled upon a method that is working for my 6 year old son more than 1/2 the time. In the middle of an outburst with the unmistakable look of "I'm not home" in his eye he tossed some papers around I was organizing. I was defeated that day and to prevent myself from bursting into tears I simply said in a matter of fact tone to myself, "Well...that was definetly not what I expected" He started cracking up. I ran with it and said something like, 'any idea why you felt the need to toss my papers around the room, were you wanting it to snow that much or what', in a sing song, exaggerated voice. He ended up picking up all the papers willingly, we talked about better solutions to his frustration, and I got a meaningful "sorry mom". Believe me I was more shocked than anything. That was 2 months ago and it's still working. If he's losing it over say taking a bath when he dosen't want to and showing tantrum like behavior I may sit by him and say in my exaggerated, animated voice, "Oh I can't believe I didn't know this when I was a kid. I never knew that (describe behavior) made a bath better. I'm going to try this the next time I'm going to take one." Even if he's not at the point to laugh, it seems to take him down a notch to a reasonable level so we can get down to the issue and deal with it. He may say something like it dosen't make it better or I just don't want a bath, both of which are a new starting points for the issue at hand and on a more reasonable level than the meltdown. Good luck!

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If you build it, they will come...........oh, wait that was a movie! The war of words is like hell on earth and nothing sends me off the handle any quicker. I learned to despise it when working at a treatment center with teenage girls. And I learned from them "HOW" to do it and "WHY". It is nothing other than them showing that they control your behavior/response/emotion in an attempt to "save face" because you have said things that are "technically" contradictory but in common understanding is still inclusive of basic rules/instructions. It's BAIT -- and I would "bite" everytime. And then the "fight" would begin -- much like hooking a Marlin fishing offshore. They would bait me, watch the bite, set the hook and then "battle" until I was exhausted. When it was not fun anymore, they cut the line. Well, one day -- one day when my ex-husband had gotten to me prior to going to work, they baited the hook right after getting to work and started trolling. See, they knew I was already at my limit because of stuff at home and it was a perfect time to fish because they knew that I would most certainly "bite" out of stress. And they were right, I was at my limit. I knew that if I did or said anything in response to anything that appeared to any sort of conflict I would do one of two things: fight or flight. Neither were acceptable, professional or within the choices that I had set for myself.

That night (I worked 3-11) I was more successful than I have ever been. See, this is what I learned later was a "child" behavior and my response was a "parent" behavior. That night, I didn't talk down to them and didn't respond with my personal "challenged" emotional side. Oh, I was raging inside but they didn't see it or hear it. I didn't allow it to happen with an audience and I said the same thing with the same tone and inflection probably 150 times. After about 2 hours of what seemed a stand off (because everything was halted -EVERYTHING for them, and I got SO much done), I overheard one girl tell the "fisherman" that it wasn't funny and maded reference to me figuring the game out. From that day forward, the War of the Words would be tried -- and the response was always the same. I stopped EVERYTHING that was going on and everything else was on hold. I continued to repeat the request in the same tone and with the same kindness as initially requested. Sometimes it was instantaneously stopped and once it was carried on for 2 days. My partner on the shift would handle all other business (they still got fed, no tv, no phone, all priveleges were suspended, etc.) and depending on who else would feed in, they became caught up in the losses as well. After about 4 months, wars ended. They were talked about and at times laughed about but it soon became the rule that wars were not-negotiable.

My oldest son, with ADD, has tried this as well. It was again, not negotiable. I continued making my request of him just as I had originally. When I didn't try to backpeddle or justify my words or explain myself -- He got angry and yelled and hollered and engaged me from all angles in lieu of completing the tasks at hand. He tried to engage in other conversation about it and decided that arguing with no response was not fun. It then became time for football practice, I continued my tasks and my request. He missed practice. He wanted dinner, I made food and provided it to my other son and husband - and provided him with a sandwich and glass of milk (basis of sustinence) which he ate. He attempted to engage the family in conversation only to be met with my request. It ended in about 2 hours with him stomping upstairs, completing the tasks and yelling at me something about it being done. I said thank you and things returned to normal. In later conversation he told me he was mad because I didn't respond like he thought I would. I asked him what made him finally do it -- he said that it was boring and I was being mean. We talked about better ways to handle it and he asked how long I would have gone on -- I told him until the task was accomplished. He has never again tried the war of the words.

Just my story in two worlds years apart. It is hard not to respond to that invitation of war. It is one thing that was very hard for me to not accept. All of it is a power struggle and there is probably a better way to do it. By battling with words being twisted as opposed to calm, constant, unchanging words and the systematic loss of priveleges and responses -- the "fun" is wrung into boredom with ADD. Rather than the fisherman wearing the fish out to make it easier to bring aboard, it is the fish who saves energy and forces the fisherman to decide not only if the fish is good but if it is gonna be worth hanging over the mantle. Usually it isn't! Hope this helps. It's time consuming and tiring and difficult to do at times. Depending on who the fisherman is and their mindset -- it may not be the best choice.

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My son is 11 and oh my, he is a challenge! His therapist recommended the book "The Explosive Child". This way of parenting is effective if you can get used to it. It does make sense.

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