Went to church last night where our pastor preached about how so many of us are just broken lost souls . He made a statement in the fact that there are so many of us who have been abused and hurt in so many ways and that instead of forgiving those people who hurt us, we carry all that pain arround with us . He talked about the reason why so many of us men and woman have relationship problems/ marriage problems is because we can't seem to let go and forgive those people who hurt us - there for we drag all that hurt arround to one relationship after another . Truth of the matter is we can't minister to people who are hurting when we our selves are still in pain . He went on to state that too many of us try to minister on the word of god about how some one else is messing up , when our life is just as messed up . Fact is so many of us are searching for something to love, when we don't really love our selves. As we he was speaking , it all made since to me. I realized that everything that he was saying applied to me . Truth be told there are alot of people in my life who I have not forgiven for hurting me . I realized that I haven't fully forgiven my dad for walking out on my & I when I was 18 months old - I haven't forgiven him for not being the daddy that I needed as I was growing up , I haven't forgiven him for the way he treated my mom , cheating on her ect . I realized that I haven't truly forgiven my ex ( my son's biolgcial father ) for choosing his drug addiction over William and I - I haven't forgiven him for not wanting to be a responsible parent and be a father to William , even tho our relationship was over with . I also realized that I haven't forgiven Leslie for all the hell and torement that she caused over the last two months . All of these wounds are still there and I know by not giving them to god so he can heal them , that these wounds aren't ever going to heal . I know that as a mother I am having a hard time forgiving myself for allowing this whole mess with William to get as deep as it has gotten . I am having a hard time forgiving myself primerly because I would never intentually put William into an abusive situation nor would I never intentually put Wiliam into a situation that could potentually because abusive emotinally, mentally or physically . That means I need to listen to god more, ignore what DSS is saying, ignore what Leslie and Amber are saying along with what the Kenship placement parents are saying - because it doesn't take too much to put a person down but it take alot to pick a person back up - right now everyone involved with this whole custdy thing is having a really easy time of putting Jeremy and I down . Truth is god knows what I have done and he knows what I have not done, same goes for Jeremy - god knows that Jeremy never did any of the thing that DSS along with leslie and Amber are accusing him of - God also knows what leslie has done - he knows that she has been lying the whole entire time so there for I need to just not worry about what' she's doing and just work on me & allow god to work and show that I am not this crazy ADD , abusive, neglectful mother & that Jeremy is not this crazy , ADHD, OCD guy who has this violent criminal / drug addict past . None of these people really know me or Jeremy - but god does . I'm not going to sit here and lie & say that this test that god is putting me through doesn't hurt , because it does but I know that there is a reason for all of this, there is a reason why all of this happening - I'm still not quit sure yet why all of this happening but some how I have believe and trust that god will take care of it & to know that he's not going to allow me to loose William , simply because he put William in life for a reason , just like he put Jeremy in my life for a reason .

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