I feel as tho all of the dreams that I had for my life have gone to hell so to speak . It seems as tho I have no connection with William and that our relationship is no longer exzistant. The relationship with my mother is not what it use to be. My almost 8 yr relationship with Jeremy is up and down al lthe time, one minute it's good , the next minute I'm on the verge of just calling the whole relationship in it's self quits but I only get that way when Jeremy's OCD goes into over drive and he's gets into his controling spirts . Right now I feel as tho I am a failor as a mother - I feel as tho I have failed my son , I am extremely worried that once this whole custdy thing is over and done with 4-5 yrs down the road and once William deveopes his own opinion about all of this that he's going to be angery with me for not fighing for him harder . I'm scared to dealth that he's not going to forgive me. I am having a hard time living with that . I'm comming so close to just breaking down , I'm so close to just loosing it all . I don't sleep very well these days- I cry in my sleep every night, William is in my dreams, there calling out to me " mommy mommy" all I can think is that my sweet precious William has it in his head that I don't want him and that I don't love him . That right there is just breaking me down in my heart and in my soul. I'm trying so hard to be strong but my strength is wearing thin . How much more of this can I take, how much more of this can I endure? is this my limit? The last thing I want is for my little boy mentally & emotioally more damaged than he already is thanks to leslie. I'm so mentally and emotionally tired, I'm tired of having to fight so hard to have my family . I can't even express right now all that I'm feeling @ this moment , all I know is that I am missing my little boy awfully bad right now and my heart is going to stop hurting until I can hear my little boy's voice over the phone and see him with my own two eyes.

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