Hi all,

I feel like I'm posting a lot, but I'm the type who needs constant feedback, encouragement and general human contact to function. The last few days I've been really really down. My motivation has been fluctuating a lot, as has my self esteem and my ability to keep on task. Right now I have a lot on my plate (MA exam to study for, paper to finish, going home to my nutty yet lovable family next weekend, moving the week after that, and trying to figure out if I'm even on the right career track). I feel like I'm sort of floating through life right now, and I consider a good day one where something...anything...productive gets done. I feel like my peers are constantly moving ahead of me and gaining more experience while I'm stuck in neutral.

My friends love and try to encourage me, but they don't understand me and/or think I don't have ADD (so sometimes their "encouragement" turns into "you don't have it so bad" or "just do it" --which we all know can backfire) and/or they sympathize but can't really help. They are also pretty much all very busy and productive, which just makes me feel worse. My immediate family either wants to do everything for me (I'm 25, so while I appreciate the assistance, its WAY too humiliating) or gets frustrated with me or reminds me of how much better I have it than my brother (27, ADHD w/OCD, MS, Tactile Defensiveness, Anger Issues, unable to drive and living at home still, so dependent on my parents). I've been the "good one" yet "whiny brat" who is ungrateful for my successes my whole life and doesn't feel adequate sympathy for his problems--now my bro thinks that my behavior issues have been due to my fear of getting MS too or not believing in ADHD... it's more because I'm tired of not being allowed to have a legitimate problem or a get-out-of-jail free card for MY failures, so I just can't fail...or overspend...or be lazy...or be sad...or not like my life...or be lost. My Mom also has something up w/her (I think ADHD) but she won't get checked b/c "she's happy with her life" (which is great for her except that she makes mine all the more stressful) -- so my family often stresses me out more than they help. The mental health care system at my school I think just views me as a liability...I've been really up and down this year, largely due to the fact that nothing feels solid anymore, but rather than actually helping me, they just prescribe more Zoloft and/or pass me on to someone else-- and despite the fact that they have great resources for ADHD, I can't get access to any of them until I get the stupid results from my cognitive testing back (which will hopefully be this week, as I finished the testing 4 weeks ago).

Because I'm smart/my grades are still decent, everyone seems to think that I'm doing better than I am, but I can't seem to make much progress on my MA exam studying and I'm petrified of failing it. My study group--which would provide the structure that I really really need-- has been extremely slow in forming itself (two of us have been pretty diligent about getting the thing started, but 2 others are completely unresponsive and the the 5th is a total scatter-brain, so it feels like herding cats).

I've started taking fish oil but haven't noticed a real difference yet -- I also resolved to exercise regularly but that's only happened once. I am VERY wary of meds (especially after the univ. psychiatrist told me that one of the possible side effects was "sudden death" due to heart attack and then cheerfully quipped that that only happens in a small percentage of cases. But since that particular side effect is irreversible and you don't know if it will happen until you take the meds and my family's cardiac track record is HORRIBLE, I'm not exactly jumping at the option to get on Ridilin). I'd like to look into a coach, since once-a-week therapy only goes so far and I can't constantly be calling friends at weird hours. I'm embarrassed to ask people about being my study or exercise buddy, and then when I do people are often quite willing at first and then get busy and forget about me.

So basically, my self-esteem is in the toilet, and this is the only place I feel I can get any real encouragement. But then I spend 1/2 my day online, and then I get less done, and then I feel more guilty. I feel stuck in about 8 different catch 22's, and every time I make some sort of effort to change, I either can't self-regulate, or I come face-to-face with a bunch of "no's", or get bombarded with a million opinions (some of which are welcome, some of which I never asked for), or have my parents trying to pull me back into dependent teenager mode, or get reminded of how I'm the "golden child" and get guilted into doing the "responsible" thing (which is sitting around and not taking any risks with my talents or money) or keep running into people who manage to get lots of things done in their unstructured time. And I'm quickly reaching the end of my rope. And I'm running out of places to turn for consistent encouragement.

So help.

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