Hi Chelle:

You are not a failure! You are a loving and caring mother who does all she can to help her son - your post above shows that beyond a doubt! First of all, are you taking any medication for your own ADHD? If not, you may want to look into that since treating your own symptoms first might allow you to better deal with your son's situation (like placing the oxygen mask over your own mouth first...)

Second, have you tried setting up a system of behavior therapy with your son? The American Psychological Association recommends it as the first treatment option for ADD children under 4, and it's shown to help kids of all ages when used in conjunction with meds. In short, it involves setting up a few very attainable, measurable goals that you can track each day. If your son reaches his benchmark for the day, he receives an agreed-upon reward. If he makes it 80% of the way, he gets a smaller reward. If he acts up a little, you ignore it. If he acts up a lot (like at friends' houses), he loses privileges - things he knows about ahead of time. Below are some of our best articles about behavior therapy...

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/3577.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/860.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1563.html

Also, you should check out some of our stories about becoming your child's friendship coach...

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1495.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/2512.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/924.html

I'd be interested to hear if any of these resources helps in any way! Good luck.

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While reading your post, I'm saying WOW..sounds all too familiar, my son is 10, has beed DX since age 3 also, and I also have ADHD. I often too feel so overwhelmed with my son's issues in school and with friends and family.I often throw my hands up, and just say I do not know how to handle this..uggghhhh !. I have been medicated for my ADHD before and ended up quitiing the med's because I did not like the way they made me feel. I did not feel like myself (something my son says to me often about himself too)..And I just felt that I had lived with it for soo long and "thought" I had it all figured out and with extra effort, I and could deal wIth this by myself...WRONG ! I am calling my doctor to get back on the meds. I will deal with whatever "other" feelings i have as long as I can get a grip on my own chaos ( that is wayy too present in my mind constantly ) as I 'm sure you know. number one priority is how can I fix my son and help make better choices and keep friends. He is so competitive and is a natural at all sports too and thats a good thing, but his attitude with his peers and extreme competitiveness and aggressivnes drives them away. He just seems to lose all control especially on the playground at school. He talks back at home, everything is a challenge with him, as if he enjoys it or cannot move forward until he drives us absolutley crazy. And yet he too is the most loving, caring, generous kid I know..;) Alot of people want to say "he just needs a good disciplining" or wow, hes terrible..those things arent true. I need to learn how to teach my child and stay consistent and try new things all the time to keep up with him. that has been the hardest thing for me as I m sure it would be for any parennt but a parent with ADHD..you know?? You are not alone, and I really think that my son is very oblivious in some ways on how he makes people feel and I know for certain he often feels like he's the one being picked on, takes everything way to personally and does not know how to "take things"...I'm the same way, we are dealing with the IEP"S and that is a whole other issue that I cringe upon..I am going to look into the links that the previous respondent gave to you, sometimes I read so much and try to sort through it all and actually make a plan out of it but that too has been a struggle for me....good luck to you, ;)

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Wow when I read the previous messages I was somewhat relieved that I was not the only one going through this. I'm a single mother, my son is 9 years old and was diagnosed with ADHD w/ combined ODD at 4 1/2 years and it was so bad I had to put him on medication. Medication was a struggle because some didn't work, some gave the opposite reaction and some only helped a little bit. My son went through 3 different daycares and when we got to elementary school we had those struggles. Kindergarten he had a young teacher that picked everything out and he was kicked out (only b/c of a district thing) we came back and got a new teacher and class and things improved a little. I also did tons of research and continue everyday.. His school recommended a counselor which he started to see and she felt he had other issues and we did further diagnoses and they also could not rule out that he had AS (Aspergers Syndrome) along with depression and anxiety. The counselor helped me with the school IEP and that has been a huge plus but everyday we have struggles. Everything depends on the teacher you get. So you as a mother demand the best for your child and you can get it.

A little background. We left his father at the age of 4 years old and his father has nothing to do with him (by his fathers choice) and I was also diagnosed with ADHD. I went on medication for a while but it didn't really do anything so I stopped but just recently I realized that in order to take care of my child I had to take care of myself. I have always been the one to help and care for others. I am now taking care of myself and taking medication again (a different brand) and it has helped me greatly. My son is very loving and caring has more adult friends then friends his own age. He struggles in school and this past year he was suspended twice for behavior. Although the first time I feel wasn't completely his fault. All the kids at school pick on him and don't understand him and unfortunately he always ends up as the one getting into trouble. He repeated the 1st grade and that was a huge struggle for me but later realized it was the best thing for him. He is now a straigh A student. If only I can cure the behavior problems. Yes he argues, talks back and can be difiant. But a lot of his behvaior problems also have to do with the ODD (oppositional difiant disorder) and the Aspergers syndrome. After trying different medications we found one that worked and he is now on the new Daytrana patch and it has been great. along with counseling. That is another thing that we had to find the one he would open up to and she has been great.

As for behavior and disapline I have just ordered the Total Transformation Program and I'll let you all know how it turns out. From the information it is suppose to be really good for children with behavior problems and ADHD.

http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/LongCopy.aspx

So you mothers out there do not ever feel that you are a failure. We all do the best we can and as mothers we all do ANYTHING for our children. Yes we struggle and it is exhausting. Remember you have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of your children for the long run. Hang in there your are not alone....

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I have a 9yr old ADHD daughter. And well... your struggle is familiar. Some thoughts for you. 1- The social cues that most of us learn and recognize are not always so for these kids. This might be an opportunity to talk to the parents or the mom of a playdate friend. Explain to the mom that you've gone over correct and respectful behavior with your son. Enlist the mom to reinforce your words and to let you know how he's doing. Then consistantly acknowledge the good and give consequences for negative and disrespectful behavior. It might even be helpful to learn rote and prerehearsed answers and actions. Start on a sliding scale, as these are hard habits to build (for all of us.) :)

2- They don't always see things the way we do. in fact they often truly think the sequence of things is different. Like, he made fun of me first then pushed me, so I pushed him. Reality: he said something I didn't like, I pushed him. At this age it's hard to tell if they're manipulating or telling the truth (of what they think not always the reality of the situation.) For my daughter I don't always know, but I am at least open to it. In the end though, they still have to 'make it right' regardless of what their 'opinion' is. This is a life skill that is good to learn now, as most of us can recount times where we have been right or truthful, but still had to apologize. After you've heard him out (because he probably doesn't see it as rude and direspectful) and acknowleged, you can then tell them how the receiver of that felt and that whether he did or not isn't really the issue. Its that there's someone who's feelings are hurt and his apology will make amends. Teach him that people don't always see things the same (over and over again) and it will feel unfair. But those are the rules all of us - not just him- have to live with.

3- Anxiety rules their lives. How they respond to their world is a reflection of just that. If you really look, you'll see that many of these kids are perfectionists. With the anxiety produced from their dissapointment in themselves - well I'd be cranky too. In moments of calm and reflective talk, my daughter has at times opened up and been vulnerable on how she feels about herself. A small glimpse into her brain. She is very aware of the fact that she's different and knows her life is 'hard'. She has a sister who has an easy time in areas where she is weak. It only punctuates her understanding of these weaknesses. To counter they have coping mechanisms, which can be the above 2 points, &/or anger, whininess, helplessness, and so many other manifestations of this underlying anxiety. There is no easy fix to this. To help them on this they have to experience success. They have to know they're loved - even at their worst (very hard as a mom, but critical.) Tell him every day that he is loved and gifted. Show him stories of successful adults with LD's and ADHD, etc. Everything from historic figures to Olympians, to CEO's (Additude has had articles on both top athletes and CEO's.) There are books out there he can read to learn about how he feels and acts - and that he's not alone! Tell him all about his ADHD and that it is NOT a handicap but a great gift. Yes life will be harder than your average kid, but the pay off will be better. Who doesn't agree that the things we have worked hardest for are those of which we are most proud? Tell him this every day.

I've heard it said that a life well spent is when you can say that you've had one good friend. Your son does not need many or even a few friends. The fact that he has you and his sister, is wonderful. Those are two good friends. Friends if they're meant to be will come. In fact if this doesn't get better (the rudeness and disrespect) don't have playdates. Again why add to his negative arsenal? Unless he really wants to go to a friends house - which then you could go over the ground rules for adults. Talk to him about it (not lecture) and find out how he feels. He's at an age where he can (when the moment is right for both of you) tell exactly what's going on in his head.

Lastly, for us our faith truly defines our actions in our parenting. For me I know that God has put her here on earth with a purpose and she knows it too. I've seen some of her gifts (particularly her humor - its histerical!) and we talk about how God never leaves us hi-and-dry. Our belief in Christ helps her to stand on the principal that she was made by God just the way she is - on purpose. So she is Not a mistake. Yes she has gotten mad at God for making her like that - and that's ok.

I only add this last paragraph because at the end of the day, I have peace knowing that this is how it's supposed to be. And that not only am I raising an amazing child, but that I'm learning so much from her and through her along the way.

I hope all this helps. Don't ever think you're unworthy. That alleges defeat and that is not an option. Your son needs your love and strength. You are his mom because you were meant to be his mom and as such - you are the best possible mom he could ever have.

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At my lowest today due to some school meetings and doctor appointments.... came across your post and if you get this, I want you to know it touched me a great deal. I'm going to read this daily to remind myself how truly blessed I am and to never give up the job of raising an ADHD/ODD child, the job God gave me for a reason.

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