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A Visit to the Marriage Counselor 3 Months Ago . . . Now Here I Am
I thought our problems were all HIS fault. I really did. But sitting there on the therapist's couch I heard him describe MY behaviors in a new light. She doesn't listen. She changes the subject abruptly. She plays free cell on the computer for 5-7 hour stretches. She spaces out all the time.
The therapist looked at me and said 7 words I will never forget.
"Have you ever been evaluated for ADHD?"
"Me?" I asked incredulously. "No. I'm lazy. There is no way I could have ADHD."
The therapist told me to look into it. Take an online quiz. Visit my doctor. Check out a book at the library. My husband and I left the counseling session feeling little resolve. We had a long way to go to heal what had been broken. But at least we were taking our marriage more seriously and dedicating time and effort to it. Now it seemed I needed to take some time to care for myself, too.
A few days later, my husband and I were at Borders and I picked up "Driven to Distraction." I flipped through it, still cautious and skeptical about the possibility of ADHD, as I considered this to be a condition of energetic 8-year old boys. I scanned the chapter on Adult ADHD and read through the 50-some symptoms outlined. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was literally as if I was reading a character study of myself. Each trait, each symptom resonated with me...deeply. Tears welled up in my eyes the further I read. I stuck the book in my husband's hands and said, "Just look. You won't believe this."
He read through the symptoms and just kept nodding his head. I made the appointment with my doctor the next day. After several appointments, our family physician diagnosed me with Adult ADHD and Moderate Depression.
I have started medications (a mix of Wellbutrin and Strattera). After a month on the Wellbutrin, I find I can focus more at work. I don't have that sense of dread over difficult tasks for me (my house is still a mess but I'm holding out hope I'll find that motivation). I'm reading up on this condition as much as I can find the time for.
Most importantly, I am thankful for this diagnosis. Just thankful. Thankful to know. Thankful to start the healing process. Thankful to have the opportunity to learn more and not feel ashamed.
My whole life (I'm 33) I've thought the following of myself: lazy, stupid, fat, ugly, messy, gross, obnoxious, gossiper. Not an attractive self-portrait.
Today, I'm beginning to see a new person. She is a Mom, Wife, Girl Scout leader. She is smart, kind, compassionate and healing.
Healing.
Healing.
She is Healing.
(Additudemag.com has been a wonderful tool for me in the past 3 months. I've never posted before but have read so many posts and found such comfort in them . . . knowing I wasn't alone. I wanted to share my story, too.)
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23 May 2008 @ 8:21 AM
23 May 2008 @ 10:54 AM