Dear sweet stew.. I hear ya and I get ya. My ADHD was finally diagnosed at age 48, I'll soon be 51. I refuse to smother you with platitudes. Bottom line, we are different. We have some aspects of intelligence and insight that defies explanation, and other aspects of "not getting" what normals are saying. The later can be so frustrating and debilitating. Maybe we've been given both to infuse some level of humility in us.

Here's what I've decided to do this year. Come what may, I am going to the national ADDA convention in Minneapolis this summer. I want a few days of being around "my people", my "type". I NEED to hang with a bunch of adders. Think of it, to be able to be yourself for 3 or 4 days and not worry about people judging your every word. I believe every person I meet will have valuable nuggets of truth on every life topic.. love, career, family, under-sensitive reactions from normals, how I can better my communication/understanding of the non-ADHD world I live in. There are NO adult ADD/ADHD support services in my town. Who knows, maybe I'll start one after this conference.

Thing is, Stew, it's natural for us to recoil and isolate after so many negative experiences. Stove's hot; but because we are inherently passionate and inquisitive, we keep touching it... and we get burned a lot. Yet on soooo many, many levels, I think we are the most amazing people on the planet. Fun, innovative, interesting, creative, smart, we like walking on the edge and experiencing ALL of life. The majority of people in this world aren't like us and spend an inordinate amount of wasteful time trying to get us to fit into their boring "normal box". GAH!!!! Dr. Hallowell got it right when he said to be happy in love and career makes us thrive. It's up to us to just hit the delete button when we know a relationship/career isn't right for us. And we're gifting with exceptional intuition, we KNOW when something's not right. The quicker we hit delete and move on, the further ahead we'll be.

BTW, Dr. Hallowell and Dr. Handelman have a new website @ www.UnwrappingTheGiftofADD.com. In their words: "The field of ADD is in need of a paradigm shift - a shift toward the strength based assessment and treatment of ADD to unleash the genius within ADD". Lots of positive, insightful stuff. We need that. Fly with the eagles long enough and you'll find an eagle who cherishes your strengths. Poop on the rest of 'em, most normals will never get us. It is what it is.

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Hello stew4aa:

Thank you for sharing with the ADDitude forums - you've come to the right place. I did an archive search for you and found a few ADDitude articles that might offer a little guidance and hope to your situation - some focus on marriage, but I think the advice really applies to dating as well in many cases...

Relationship Work: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/643.html

ADHD & Relationships: Marriage and Friendship Help: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/838.html

Strengthening Your ADHD Marriage: How to Focus on Love: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/992.html

Tips for Couples: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/597.html

And More... http://www.additudemag.com/topic/adult-add-adhd/friends-relationships.html

Hope that helps!

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I think the big problem I see in myself and others like us, is we are so willing to believe people. Look beyond their shortcomings, because of our own.

Outside they see this one person, but when they get past that, it isn't what they thought or expected.

I guess it is hard to be truely confident and secure when your whole life you are told different. I as am sure others like myself have learned to "cover" this very well. However I cannot live a lie. I am too honest. People in the " norm" don't like the truth.

Even though they "try" to get it, I just don't think they ever will, or ever really want to.

I do not use this as a "crutch" as they like to say, but this is who I am, and I have a very hard time expressing emotion to others, even just friends, because it comes out often wrong. Then they leave.

Anyone else feel this way?

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I guess after being told that I was different also that I figured that is really okay. I'm married and sometimes he doesn't get it . He tries but at the time of another mess up he wants to divorce me. It always blows over because he knows that It not because I am malious. I however have to many times reign in my impulsiveness .It usually works and frankly since being on this site it has been easier to do because I found a place where they do get it.

If a person doesn't get it always that can be okay . I know what kept him attracted to me is because I'm never dull. I love to play, try new things such as trips to the mountains, white water rafting and other things most females shy away from. will try try foods that are of different cultures etc, love music will go to jazz, classic etc concerts and have a mirage of animals. I am not the most organized or even though I have the money always pay my bills on time, I have problems sleeping and keep him awake so I tend to like sleeping alone. It takes me day sometimes weeks to clean my office but it works. When you do find the guy who really likes you for you and look pass what the other consider normal behavior it will be for him real fun ; and times some frustration. However it never will be dull. It is a sad to hear before they find out about you push them away. I have many male friends because even though we couldn't live together they remained in my life because they enjoy that I see life as adventure and tackle it with gusto. I learned long time ago to say "NO" so I am no push over and I do not engage in risky behavior that would cause my demise, I don't drink, do drugs or have sex outside my marrige . It scary to let yourself be open; but I think the chance is worth the risk of getting hurt. Really do you care that most people don't get ya? Hey just have fun

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I completely understand your frustration! I'm 31, never been in love or experienced a long term relationship...it's really tough sometimes. My bad habit is always going for the bad boys, who never really want me. So, I decided to go back to counseling, since what I'm doing is not working for me. My untreated ADD, became an issue and she recommended the book, "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder," by Sari Solden. She basically told me no counseling will work until I address my problem with medication, which was very hard for me to swallow at the time, but I'm going to try what she suggested. Anyway their is a chapter in the book about relationships, which was pretty interesting...it went on to say what kind of men women with ADD attract, and one of them was the unemotionally available ones. What I got out of it is that sometimes, we choose the wrong ones or the right ones and we sabotage it because we know that there is something wrong with us and it's our way of protecting ourself. Not letting them in, because they will find us out. I guess we have to believe that we are OK, and fully learn to embrace ourself and our condition before we let anybody in. I've been doing this since I was 14, so think it's behavioral and will continue counseling once I'm medicated.

I have a question for you...I also have problems with jobs, and my only passion currently is traveling, so I applied with mesa air as a flight attendant and have an interview tomorrow! Why do you think that the job is good for people like us? Mesa is a smaller airline, do you have any advice on a better major airline to work for after I get my experience?

I wish you the best of luck!

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Thank You will go buy book tomorrow!

Flight Attendant is a great job for us!!!

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I couldn't believe it when I found this forum and yours was the first one I read. It was like reading my life. I have been with losers until I met my present boyfriend 3 1/2 yrs ago. That was also when I was diagnosed (at 49 years old). I was terrified when I read the statistics of failed relationships but was determined that if I JUST TRIED HARD ENOUGH I could make it work....knowing the enemy is half the battle, right? Whatever! We are now readying our house ( my dream house) to put up for sale so we can go our separate ways. There are absolutely no words that can describe my devastation, humiliation and feeling of stupidity. Also, at the risk of singing "Cry Me A River And Build Me A Boat", I had excepted the cold, hard truth that I will never be in a healthy relationship so "buck up, Cowgirl!" Then I went online to see if anything new was there to make me feel better. Where was all this in the beginning? I might have been better equipped and possibly could have made it work.

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That really has to be one of the worse things about AD/HD. It has plaqued me since childhood. I take dexadrine through the day so taking a sleeping med at night wasn't sitting well with me. No matter how early I took it I was groggy in the morning. I tried liquid melotonin over a year ago and it seemed to help.....sometimes. This year I just happened to find a tea called "Nighty Night" and decided to give it a try. When I did I also decided to take the liquid melotonin. It's MAGIC! I now take the L.M. and have my tea in bed while I watch TV. Not only do I sleep, if I do wake up during the night (bathroom!!!), I can go back to sleep and feel really rested in the morning. It's incredible!! Now if I could find the cure for "Social Grace" I'll have it made!!!

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I feel the same way................. How are you now? I really have just given up. I am tired of all the mess.

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I've been to the Additudemag.com site a lot, but I'm rather a timid and sad sort, and responding to comments from mostly women is extremely intimidating to me. Why? Because I'm a guy and not an especially smart one. In other words, when I think that I'm being cute, actually women find me - this from my ex-wife of twenty-five years - not so much. So, after two or three omlette flips in my twisted and manipulative mind, I've decided to toss my drivel into your here-to-fore, pristinely enlightened conversation, knowing that because many of you are sensitive and respectful of everyone's feelings, and you've got ADD, thus doubling the quotient, you probably will refrain from hammering me too badly. Also, kindly note that as a new poster and fellow ADDer, I'll shortly burn myself out and crumble away, never to post again.

I have a question for "leese" (posting on 04/20/2008), or anyone else, who mentioned that she was going to attend an ADD convention, where she'd be round other ADDers. Did you go, and what were your findings? You left me in the dark. My fear is that a stern phalanx of my cognitively impaired peers will also judge me obnoxious and boring, just as some of my more normal, even best, friends do.

And then there's dating. I want to date a known fugitive from this website, or in other words, an age appropriate woman with ADD/ADHD, not someone so crazy that I'll wake up and have to walk a highway to find a missing body part, but definitely someone certifiably ADD/ADHD or some combination, thereof (I'm both). Anyone, please elaborate on your experiences meeting, romancing, etc. fellow ADDers. Thank you. Now I will duck and cover.

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Cheri- What is Liquid Melotonin? Is it very safe? Do you still use it nightly? For whom is it recommended? Where do you get this stuff? Thanks.

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