Hello:

Here are some good resources that I found on the ADDitude web site about managing finances and relationships with Adult ADD:

Budget Strategies for ADD Adults: 18 Ways to Save: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1659.html Manage Your Money!: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/2987.html When Both Husband and Wife Have ADD: http://www.additudemag.com/q&a/ask_the_adult_add_expert/1340.html Stop, Think, Then Speak: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/950.html ADHD Marriage Help: The Right Way to Fight: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/722.html 5 Ways to Avoid Marital Conflict: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/1637.html

I hope these help!

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I'm sorry to hear of the problems you've been having with your guy. Please forgive me if I offend you by my opinion; my desire is to help you avoid the pain and misery I am in right now, married to an emotionally abusive husband. From what you mentioned, it looks like there are many red flags about this man:

He's blaming you. (for things that are not even your fault--he's responsible for his own feelings and behavior!)

He blows up at you in anger. That is very destructive to a loving relationship, and damaging to your spirit. Things like this usually get WORSE with time, and you may find yourself taking the brunt of his angry outbursts and perhaps passive-aggressive hostility directed at you--for his anger over issues that have nothing to do with you.

The "stupid/inappropriate" comments, and his unwillingness to stop when you ask him to. That strikes me as a lack of respect & empathy for you--a very BIG red flag!!!! A person does NOT have the right to hurt another person (especially a loved one!) with unwanted teasing and rude comments--it is an indication that he is not treating you with proper respect...things like that will often get much, much worse.

My husband is also very intelligent, and he's remarkably handsome. He's got lots of great qualities! Often he's pleasant to be around, and he can seem loving and respectful when he chooses to be. It can be very deceiving. Overall, the underlying hostility and anger, lack of respect, and hurtful things he does--confusingly interspersed with "loving" behavior-- have eroded any kind of trust and loving companionship I would otherwise be able to share with him.

I dated him for 2 years before we married, and we're coming up on our 10th anniversary this year--and we are committed "til death do us part." Our situation feels like "hell on earth" for me, and I would not want anyone else to go through this.

I have a 5 1/2 year-old son who is watching everything my husband does very closely--he wants to be just like Daddy. I work VERY hard to consistently and lovingly discipline him, and teach him proper ways of behavior...but he's already acting very much like his father, and that scares the hell out of me.

PLEASE look very carefully at your situation and make sure you're not unwittingly heading for a situation like mine down the road. I'm terribly sorry if I'm totally off on my interpretation of what you mentioned, but I'll take that risk just in case what I'm going through can help others avoid a hellish relationship with a person who becomes emotionally abusive.

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Ann I really appreciate your advice but Jr is not at all violent with me, and when ever he blames me for his problems I confront him on it and tell him that he cant' blame me for his issues, if anything he needs to realize that all issues he's dealing with as far not being able to finish tasks, the hard time focusing and paying attention, not to menton the impatientness I myself have went through that pretty much most of my life. Now My ADD greatly improved when I gave birth to my son in 2001, to say the least the pregnancy in it's self along becoming a mother in general actually helped my ADD more than anything, my son William challanged alot of the issues that I had such as my ability to focus, my patients, as well as my being able to tell time better. Most of the time Jr and I get along more the most part, don't get me wrong we have our share of arguements but what couples doesn't but when you put some one who is ADD in a long term relationship with sone one who is ADHD as well as OCD things can become a little challanging. Fact of the matter is Jr and I are very much inlove with each other, we've have weathered some major storms together , but truth be told I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else , now I have been in relationhips in the past where the person I was with wasn't ADD or ADHD and everyone of the people whom I was with a relationship who wasn't ADHD, or ADD didn't take the time to understand me for me, none of them ever really understood me mentally or emotionally . Jr might be ADHD, and OCD and yes some times he gets frustrated with things and himself but Jr loves me with all he has, he would never intentually do something to hurt me. Now I do feel that he would benifit from taking medicaion for his OCD yes, I feel that he would feel alot better and would be able to have a some what normal life, because believe you me living with some one who is ADHD and being ADD yourself , well it's a challange but living with some one who is OCD , that takes challanging to all new level , lol but fact is I love Jr with all my heart and I could never be with anyone else , all that matter is the fact that Jr and I love each other and we're still here together fighting for the same thing.

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I have a specific suggustion to deal with finances. Can you get him to use a debit or credit card for all his transactions? If the answer to this is yes, then you might find your answer in technology. I personally cannot remember to write down what I spend, and forget about balancing a checkbook manually. Before the Internet my checkbook was a disaster.The Information Age is one of the best times to have ADD, given all the organizational technologies out there. My husband and I (both of whom have ADD) manage our fiances via Quicken. I have things set up to download my transactions directly from the bank's own website. All I have to do is go into the software, hit a button, and my bank's own records of what I spent and where go right into my computer. I can even sycn that with the Pocket Quicken software on my PDA. Even if you don't choose to download your transactions, almost all banks offer online banking that will allow you to check your transactions. No more worrying about lost receipts.

Also, you cannot make someone stop doing anything, but you can decide what you will and will not allow yourself to be exposed to. If his teasing bothers you. you can do something like this: "honey, I love you, and I'm sorry I've picked fights about your teasing me before. That wasn't the right response, so I want to let you know how I'll act in the future. When you tease me, I am going to leave the room. I know you aren't trying to be hurtful, but it does hurt me, and since you have trouble remembering, I think that will help you remember as well as help me limit the damage it does. Again, I love you. "

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