KingofAmerica,

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. It's hard enough dealing with ADHD, job related problems and depression/bipolar issues, but it's even worse that your husband is not supportive. I know how that feels. My husband has ADHD but he used to be nonsupportive and didn't respect my abilities either. Everything was his way only and he was unforgiving as well. Fortunately, things have changed for us since he was diagnosed and treated for his ADHD and another serious disorder as well. The other disorder caused the most problems for us and is sometimes mistaken for bipolar disorder. I wish I could offer you more help. Any chance your husband would consider going with you to marital counseling. Perhaps if someone else suggested he learn more about your conditions and change some of his behaviors, he would listen. It sounds as if you are working hard on yourself and doing the best you can. Are you on medication for the bipolar disorder and your ADHD? Perhaps your therapist can help you find a better fit for your skills and talents so you can find a job you enjoy doing. I hope things will improve for you soon. I will say a prayer for you.

Elaine

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I'm sorry to hear of your problems that are overwhelming you. I can relate somewhat in that I have ADD and my husband is very rigid as well--it causes a LOT of tension. It's incredibly painful when the one who made a vow to love you treats you in such a critical, unsupportive, unforgiving way. The hostility hurts a lot.

About the counseling recommendation...I have been doing both marriage counseling AND individual psychologist counseling, (I am the client, not the therapist, lol) and although marriage counseling SEEMS to be the more helpful option, I would advise you to have your husband come along with you to YOUR individual therapist appointment in order to learn about ADD. In marriage counseling, you're likely to hear about how YOU are such a big cause of the problems, and the counseling might be more focused on making things easier for your husband and less on encouraging him to be more understanding and supportive of you. From what I've experienced, the main objective of marriage counseling seems to be keeping the couple together; individual counseling is there to help YOU, so there's not a "conflict of interest" with the goal of keeping the marriage together. If your husband were to come to YOUR therapy session, the therapist would probably be more open and able to explain things to him as YOUR advocate. Our marriage counselor we're seeing actually has ADHD--which I didn't know when we started. He's actually been very helpful in explaining things to my husband considering he KNOWS what ADD issues are like firsthand, although I'd imagine ours is not the typical situation. Unfortunately, our counseling also tends to overlook the emotional abuse my husband has done to me--by not REALLY holding him accountable, and by approaching us as if I am partly to blame for it. There's that conflict of interest of sacrificing individual needs over the objective to keep the marriage together. Hopefully my post made some sense...I'm beyond exhausted tonght, lol. I hope things get better between you and your husband.

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ADD is both difficult for the person with ADD and the spouse. As a spouse, I have tried numerous ways to help my husband. Sometimes time management is a problem, not knowing what tasks to add and subtract daily can make life seem like a burden. Keeping daily lists and adding and subtracting as needed so he does not feel overwhelmed has helped. Then I know what he has to do so we can resplit the tasks as needed. I am willing to work hard and as a team. When an approach of assistance is agreed on, somehow he still gets defensive when I give the cues we agreed on. I try to remind him I am doing what we agreed on. Then I am ready to give up. Somehow we are no longer a team. I am the bad guy. So, I am very frustrated. I have tried hard and been very patient. I think the thing that makes some marriages of people with ADD and their spouses fail is that spouses need support too. I do have the support of others in my position. But we need the support of our spouse. We need to feel that our effort is appreciated. We understand you are fustrated also. I am at over 30 yrs. I would like to know I am appreciated. That the person with ADD understands what we are going through. It is that understanding that makes a team. If someone with a physical disability has the door opened for them, they say thank you. And we all have our weaknesses of one kind or another. ADD is not so different. For a spouse, it takes extra time and effort. And a lot of patience. Let us know you appreciate the love and support we give you. It just might be helping us continue on. After all, we do love you. There are many great things you bring to the marriage. Especially your humor. You can find ways to solve every day problems or repairs that we would never think of. You are smart, funny, but you need to believe that. And you should. Just remember, if you have someone who wants to be a team and make it work, don't amke them the enemy, think of them as a friend and treat them with love.

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Thank you all for your replies--each helpful. It was interesting that the spouse of the ad/hd person mentioned, "We are not the enemy." My spouse has often said he feels that I treat him like an enemy. The issue of marriage counseling's interesting. My individual therapist's position is that our troubles are 50/50-- I do stuff ranging from dopey to expensive and truly maddening (don't park near me, my spatial relations are lousy and I'll run into your car--but leave a note). Spouse's inflamed reaction is the other 50. And we escalate from there in a familiar pattern. I asked my spouse this week to read up on being spouses with mood disordered/ad/hd people. He said he would; I need to make sure he does and that we talk about it.

Things are less tense, but that's because spouse laid down the line. We live at least an hour away from the city where I'd find any job I can do. I also want to move to/near the city because I'm a city gal and our town has many problems. Including a terrible real estate market. Fixing up our charming-but-needs-TLC old house will take time and/or money (which we don't have that much of). Spouse said, "I've had it. For a year, I want you to not apply for any jobs that require driving and to stop bugging me about the house. " I burst into tears and called my social-worker stepmom, whom I trust completely. She agreed with spouse and advised me to apply for Social Security disability. I'll find another thread for that one..

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Hi king,

I'm late to the thread and new to the Fora, but I wanted to pass along some support and confidence. The responses you've already received and read give so much support and great advice, I just wanted to let you know that you have another virtual ((hug)) of support as you work through this dificult time.

Without knowing you, your spouse, or your mother, and at the risk of being out of line, I also want to put forward the idea that maybe your spouse and your mother don't always treat you with the level of respect that you deserve. I know this was ages ago, but when you offered to sleep on the couch and then were treated to what might be considered by some to be a cruel outburst by your spouse, I was so very sad that you were going through this. I can empathise (quite well) with your situation and I know how easy it is to filter the world through a lens that's been clouded with years of shame, guilt, anger, and self doubt. The trick is to realise that its a clouded lens. I think you deserve to need, want, and have ... just as much as as anybody else. You're smart, articulate and well-educated -- and you love deeply and devotedly. But don't let me define you. And don't let others do it for you (even those that have long gone, but have left their smudge on 'the lens').

((hugs)) and positive vibes for you, whatever you do.

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