My story…

*This text ended up being longer than I expected… sorry for writing this long but I think this helps me as part of facing my issues with ADHD…*

I am a 28 years old man who was just diagnosed for ADHD. On one side I am very happy to finally find “what’s different” with me, but on the other side I have hard troubles finding an end to my struggles and problems.

I still have difficulties to believe I have ADHD, mainly because I don’t have many “negative” specifics symptoms, aside from sadness, anxiety, and depression.

I suffered one major depression which then turned into many highs & lows; I was diagnosed for Bi-polar disorder and took lithium. After a year and a half without result from the medication the doctor concluded to a false diagnostic as I was not having any major up & down any more. I blame this to a few positives externals factors (like getting a good job) but mostly to the work I did with my psychologist to understand how my self esteem & confidence (or lack of) affect me.

I knew there was something about me… I just didn’t know what and didn’t bother much finding it as long as I was feeling ok.

I always thought of myself as more intelligent that other people, I could do things that nobody can, I can “wow” people in many aspects of my life… but why I am still struggling to just keep it together if I am really that brilliant…

It has been a year that my psychologist is telling me that I might have ADD, I never really believed him because I just didn’t see myself as hyperactive /Ritalin kid. I didn’t fit the symptoms or least not anymore than a regular person; -I never really had trouble in school, -I can finish project as I own my business, -I have a phenomenal memory, -I am the most organised person I know (my agenda is following me everywhere), -I can learn/do things with an exceptional speed & talent and, -when I “want” to listen / have attention I believed I can…I was just “not interested” by some subject/people and that was why I would not listen or so I thought. Procrastination and lack of motivation have always been my biggest enemy but I thought I was just lazy and needed to work harder. I was seeing so many positive aspects about me to believe I was ADHD (from what I knew about the condition).

On a recent vacation trip I read an article in the Delta Airline magazine about the latest development on ADHD. http://www.delta-sky.com/2007_12/whatthedoctor/ My life has been changed since then! For the first time I learned that ADHD is not only about lacking attention, “harnessing the power of ADD” was the title of that article, “a gift that is hard to unwrap” mentioned Dr. Hallowell. I finally started to recognised traits of ADHD in myself and to understand what my psychologist was telling me for the last year.

I went online and did research to understand and learn about ADHD. The hyperfocus aspect of ADHD and how it affects me is really what convinced me. I realised that I am capable of hyperfocus but not on-demand which I was expecting from myself all the time. I also realised that I cannot sustained attention to a normal task / event unless it is of a high interest for me which now I know is not normal for other. I also realised that the symptom about not finishing projects is about not completing the last details of them as oppose to not doing the challenging part of them where I excel. My last minute intense study also compensated for the fact that I never listened in class, I also realised that the reason why I am that organised is to compensate for the fact that I forget stuff if I don’t write it down on the moment and that I am not really organised naturally… (If you take away my agenda I won’t be able to sleep). My passion for extreme sports, my crazy driving, my special way of eating food, my acting like a kid moments started making sense. I learn that hyperactivity can be express verbally; I am known as someone who talks all the time (if I have an interest in the conversion), interrupts people before they finish their sentences (because I just understood rapidly what they were saying or guessed their response halfway through…), I am impulsive and can change mood drastically rapidly (but for a reason… event or people cause me to react that way). I now understand that my reasons for not believing I have ADHD are caused by the effects of my hyperfocus and to adaptations I unconsciously developed for my weakness.

Where I am now? Well I know more about me and the condition but I am completely lost… There are still so many things I don’t understand about me or about ADHD. I now know the cause of my moods swings, my MANY anxieties moments /crisis but that doesn’t solve them…

My psychologist has a busy schedule and I can only have appointments every 2-3 weeks that is if he doesn’t cancel for personal reason… He’s telling me that I have to learn to do thing slowly and to stop rushing things in which I have a great interest, like finding out how ADHD affects me (I’m up to 100 pages printed and read from internet about this). I agree with him but I don’t feel well these days… it’s hard not to do anything when I am actually not doing anything… just procrastinating everyday… I want to get out of this vicious circle that keeps bringing me down.

I went to see my family doctor, the one who started me on lithium years ago in a major depress / low moment. He knows about ADHD and is treating adults and kids. I went to see him because I didn’t know what to do anymore… where to go… it was either him or the psychiatric hospital… it was that bad. I told him my story and couldn’t help crying… (Which I didn’t do in years) I just wanted to feel well… He gave me ritalin, 20mg doses. It’s had been 15 days and I don’t know if it’s working or not… I don’t know if I feel more relax/slow, I don’t know if I can concentrate more with or without, how can you test if the medication works? I know if I double the dosage I get very "high" for a few hours...I was desperate to try anything... It does make me feel a little less sad but is it the drug or a “placebo” effect because I’m taking something to help me? Receiving attention from others makes me very happy for some reason… writing this has a good effect on me, even more if people read it.

I think I need more psychologist help than medication but I am so tired of not felling good, my anxiety crisis and procrastination which I know are caused by the effects of ADHD but I see treatment as a long, too long path… I’m lost and don’t know what to do… I believe I have the right helps around me… maybe not the support. For some reason (probably linked to ADHD) I am not closed to my family, I stopped talking to my dad 8 years ago and I stopped sharing personals information with my brothers and mother years ago as they “don’t understand” me. I never was able to keep and have a fulfilling relationship with a girl, but I am an expert at having the best ever short passionate flings. I just started seeing a therapist on this and she’s helping me links my actions to ADHD.

I recently met an amazing girl, for a rare time in life I feel like this person understands me on a different level than other girls. When she told me she has ADD I guessed that is the reason why we get along so great… but might be mistaken. I want to open myself to her but all my past relationships didn’t last… I told her that I need to work on myself before I can engage into a relation with someone, she understood and respected that but I’m afraid I will let myself go into the relation with her too fast and end up hurting her and myself again.

How much do sports affect ADHD? Since my early age I have always practice sport on a regular basic (5-6 times a week). The only times in my life where I stop practicing sport for some reason coincide with major problems with my mood and happiness. Like now, I have damaged shoulders and I’m forced to take a year off my swimming team and competition. I’m trying other sports but am limited by my shoulders and a very bad knee… those problems are another cause to many downs….

Here I am, March 2008, newly diagnosed but lost about it. Believing in my potential / aptitudes like crazy but having so much troubles keeping it together and to find motivation. I have a great life, I own a successful business with amazing potential if I can manage it properly, I go out and meet gorgeous girls, I travel a lot, I have good friends, but I seem to always expect / want more out of life and not be happy inside. My happiness doesn’t rely on material things which is good I guess but I have troubles to have and keep my happiness.

I don’t know where to begin and what to do next… your help/ comment would be appreciated.

Many thanks

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