I have an 18 year old son that has gone from the loving son to the ticking time bomb. We unfortunately are counting down the time till he goes away to college. He is exceptionally bright. The largest downfall is his explosive temper. He usually takes it out on his younger brother. This son seems to think that we have a golden book that tells us how to deal with him and we must not be reading the pages right. He actually told me the other day that my parenting licence should be taken away, that I was doing such a piss poor job. All I can say is where I live in rural Saskatchewan Canada that the help provided here is dismal at best. I may not be able to give advice but I can always lend moral support. Most of the people around us wonder what is wrong with our son. I call ADHD or ADD the invisible disease. If he was missing an arm or was visibbly deformed we would probably get more help.

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CRB, I have a 25 year old son with ADD and learning disabilities, which was diagnosed in elementary school, that still lives at home. Since graduating HS, he's had so many jobs that I can even tell you how many. right now he's looking again. It's great that your son is able to keep his job. My son had problems managing his money as well as the anger managment problems. He doesn't want to go for help because he said that whoever he goes to will give him medication and he doesn't want to take drugs. He's afraid of side effects as well as long term effects. I told him to just go for counseling if he doesn't want to take medication but he's not willing. He tried going to college full time out of HS but that didn't work. The only positive thing he's done lately is that he is taking one night course at college and seems to be doing ok with it. I'm encouraging him but at the same time, he needs to find a job and keep it. At this point I don't know what to do either. Maybe someone can post a suggestion for us.

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My #1 son is now 30 yrs. old. He has always had a hard time at jobs. Not that he doesn't work well, just that he is never in on time, sees wrongs and doesn't understand why someone else can do something and get away with it and he can't (like always being late). He feels if he makes up the time that it's all right. I have tried to explain that it doesn't work that way. He didn't finish high school, too tough to handle for him. Undiagnosed by dr. so struggled through school. He did question with a dr. a couple of years ago because he thought he had depression issues (which is a symptom too--not necessarily actual depression) and was put on something (I think he said Wellbutrin) but didn't like how it made him feel, so stopped taking after only a month or so. Now he has nothing. He does have a wonderful fiance who tries to keep him directed and puts up with a lot from him. He got lucky. He can be more short-tempered even more than his mom and I am very short-tempered (although over the years I have mellowed out some). He too thinks I was (at least with him) a pretty piss poor parent. I did what I thought best, right or wrong and I told/tell him that today.

Keep offering suggestions, don't take what your son says completely to heart. When they get frustrated, depressed, out of it, and just angry with the world and their situation, they take it out on you. You hurt the one you love the most and parents usually are the first to have it taken out on them because you are closest to your children and they to you. And kids feel that their parents are just that, their parents and they feel comfortable taking things out on you because (hopefully) you will still love them even with all their issues.

I put my son out of my house at 17 because of his attitude and whatnot just to keep myself from going into the R wing. (He would come back for a few weeks every so often and then it would start all over again and he'd leave because he didn't like my rules). It taught him that I was not able to support him forever, that he had to support things for himself and that life is not as easy as he might think still living at my house. I also had another child to take care of and didn't need his tantrums all the time, as well as working, and being woke up at 2-3 a.m. when he came in from partying or whatever. In the 80's, it was called ToughLove. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. My son had lots of friends to crash at, so was fairly okay. But when you don't have that fallback it can be really hard to do.

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To preface this (because all of this has relevance), I am 28 and a happily married father of two. I am a military veteran, attended college and currently hold a good job in corporate america. I have never tried a drug, I do not smoke, and drink only on occaison. I have no bad habits and no criminal record.... aside from those damn speeding tickets. These things aren't required...but they are important, because they all play a role into what triggered me to view myself differently and be acceptant to the symptoms that I now know full well are caused by Adult ADD.

My dad and stepmom took me in for ADHD in 7th grade much to my disliking. In 8th grade my dad passed away, and I moved in with my biological mother from 9th - 12th and never acknowledged the condition or the medicine again since 8th grade until 3 years ago. (after the birth of my first Son at 25)

I struggled with grades through school, but excelled as an athlete. I was very artistic and creative... and I was popular because of a combination of the above and being the "funny guy" in the class. I stopped treatment in 8th grade because just like any teen I didn't like one single ounce of extra judgement from family or peers...there is enough of that already during that time.... plus... I had the above attributes going for me getting me through things.

Even if people were trying to "help" me and had knowledge that I didn't have, you have to understand that even if my parents/family were the only people to know..... I still knew, and I judged myself as equal or better then my peers without thinking about it too much.

Quite simply, somewhere between everything and something was affected by this condition (marriage, education, career, parenting, you name it) but I did not actually key on it until a trigger happened in my life. Nor did I need or want to. It wasn't until I became a parent at 25 and began being the one with more knowledge then who I am "helping" that I literally felt like I was punched in the face with an awareness I didn't have before.

I looked back on my life in school and compared it to what frustrates me or my family day to day right now and came to an amazing realization. Then I found this website, looked under the adult ADD section and was flat out shocked that the things my wife, my family, my friends or even myself keep questioning about me.... were listed there word for word.

It was a breath of fresh air, and for me it was triggered by the only thing it could have ever been triggered by.... me.

Then Instead of being judgement (which is also "help" ... like it or not) it was knowledge... and when I wanted to realize that there was knowledge to gain... I convinced others that the "devil was in the details". I convinced my wife that when I say I don't think of cleaning the dishes or picking up a pair of shoes... it's not because I don't want to... it's because I don't. I only act on things that feed my brain the right way and in turn they are often more desireable.

Instead of computing 27 thoughts on a pair of shoes on the floor being important, my mind skipped it for something better. Or when it was directly brought to my attention, I made snap judgements as why NOT to do it other than realizing it wasn't that big of a deal to do something for 10 seconds for the greater good of the house. People view this as procrastination, lazyness and selfishness.... although similar looking, they aren't the same thing.... those things are more voluntary then what actually involuntarily happens.

In the end... and in my opinion... the lifestyle your son lives plays a HUGE part in how he's going to view "help"... and it has alot to do with what would trigger him to see it in his own way. A married guy will react differently than a single guy... an alchoholic has different acceptable morals then a preacher does....A son has a different perspective then a father.... and until he has his own desire for knowledge the light bulb wont click... nor will he care if it does or not. He's already getting by with what he feels is comfortable enough by avoiding things that aren't effecient in his system.... just like I did. It is much harder to confront it then it is to keep letting it slide.

If I had any suggestion for someone attempting to confront me instead of finding out myself it would be this. Get rid of your own "concerns" and come at it with a different angle. It's hard to describe or even attempt something like this (which you have found out) if you haven't been through it. One thing that worked for me is after enough times of arguing about why I don't think a certain way.... I picked out something that frustrated only me...not my parent, not my wife, not my friends or family....just me. I looked it up and said wow... that explains most of the reason this actually happens... what else... what else... and eventually I transitioned to remembering what my wife has been frustrated with.

ADD is not an excuse to get by though... if it bothers me, it probably bothers others... I can let it slide, but if other people are important... it's time to work together to come up with a way to help it. Medicine actually slows the thoughts down to realizing that it's not the most annoying thing in the world to clean for 10 minutes or take out the trash... or feed the 6 month old before you do your own thing. Your job is looked at in a different light... less stressful, more productive for yourself.... but medicine doesnt change the fact that I had to think differently and confront it... and it takes both things.

If any questions email me at jessjanicek@yahoo.com ... I think I have alot of unique insight to offer on this topic.

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I have ADD myself, diagnosed after my daughter was at age 7, & my now-9-yr old boy was diagnosed a year ago with ADHD with anxiety/oppositional personality traits. For 3 years, we have struggled more with his extreme irritability, low frustration tolerance, & explosiveness much more than his focus. He made good grades even when he was undertreated but his teachers always said they knew if he were focused he could do even better. He has always been difficult and high-intensity with a hot temper. About a year ago it got so bad that we were always walking on eggshells and I didn't even want to come home from work. It was constant agony worrying how he would turn out, but no one wanted to treat him because he did well in school. It was all approached as a behavioral problem. He became very sullen, never smiled, frequently exploded (screaming, tantrum, rude, hitting/kicking walls) upon the slightest frustration---but not at school. He admitted that he spent all day trying not to explode & in retrospect, I believe he often just "imploded"--inside he was falling apart but managed to just withdraw while at school, then at home he just let loose. The last straw came when he told me he wanted to disappear or die because he couldn't imagine living anymore. He honestly just could not see a future for himself. After urgently seeing his pediatrician. we began evaluations by psychologists then a psychiatrist, and the diagnoses above were finally made. He improved a bit on Strattera, but after months of inadequate treatment & going for yet another (but very thorough) evaluation by a neuropsychologist, it was proved that his treatment was inadequate on Strattera. There was great foot-dragging because of his explosiveness and anxiety, and the fear that stimulants would worsen it, but finally he was started on ritalin this year.

I cannot say enough. After going up on his dose to 54mg/day Concerta, he is a changed person --- HAPPY, outgoing, pleasant, much more compliant. He is happy at school; his teachers no longer call worried about him. They call to say what a treat he is to have in class. He has plans to be an engineer. He offers to help and tells jokes. As time has passed, I've realized that my mother's side of the family is riddled with psychological problems, personality disorders, and probably a lot of ADD, especially my mother. As I've read and watched him change, and recognized a lot of his behaviors in myself, I've tried to counsel him when his thoughts are being affected by his ADD & how his irritabiltiy/anxiety/temper are related to being unable to focus. He is not an anxious or irritable person when he is on ritalin. He is now able to sort out when his thinking is not normal and no longer thinks of himself as a bad person, just someone who has to live around a medical condition FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Just like his sister. Just like me. And he knows he is much luckier than my mother, who had no such opportunity. I am lucky that I can make sure my son knows early that he has a condition needing help, and that if he doesn't stick with it, he will wind up seriously disordered like my mother or worse. As for his older sister, I finally had to let her (with great anguish for me) fail her 1st semester of 7th grade & SUFFER the consequences. She is on ritalin now (after several years of Strattera) and making real personal effort to be responsible. This semester she is on the honor roll, with much better self-esteem.

I offer all this not because I know our problems are all solved. Who knows what puberty will bring & how many medication changes lie ahead as my kids grow? I had to start meds at age 40! But I want to emphasize what I have learned and what others have said: 1) If you are SERIOUSLY impaired by ADD, you will remain just as impaired as someone who is diabetic without MEDICATION, (& often the non-prescription substitutes for ADD stimulants wind up being far worse that any side effects--unprotected sex, drugs, alcohol, risk-taking, homelessness, law-breaking, death) 2) DO NOT be afraid to try stimulants even in the most anxious/explosive kid, and or maximize the dose if the irritability doesn't immediately get better but also doesn't WORSEN. He may need MORE medicine, and the anxiety/irritability may be his most prominent and disabling symptom of ADD, more than focus. 3) The person with bad ADD must understand he/she has a life-threatening medical condition and should try to learn as much as possible about it (empower themselves). 4) The person with ADD eventually has to TAKE CONTROL/RESPONSIBILITY--i.e. GROW UP. If you are not allowing someone to GROW UP, you are an "enabler" and YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

I saw myself going down the path of disabled adult kids living in my house forever because they couldn't cope with reality. I have another family member with untreated ADD who (heavily enabled by other family members) almost died driving drunk, and cannot focus enough to provide any structure for her children, one of whom is on my mother's horrific mental road already. I will always be there to counsel my kids as adults, but never to take over. I have come to the recognition that they will have to start calling their own shots at some point, make mistakes, fall on their rears, suffer failures, and pick themselves back up the wiser for it. Being a good parent means letting your kid grow up. And if he still doesn't get it, it's never too late and probably very necessary to pull the safety net out from under him. He has bad ADD. He can only pay ATTENTION when the problem is SO BAD HE CAN'T DENY IT ANYMORE, not if you keep life easy. Love and parenting means letting go. It's hard and it really hurts, but it's not about YOU, it's about HIM, correct? If your son is telling you you're a bad parent, he may have more insight than he realizes. Listen, and do the hard thing. Let him go, so he can become a man. Let him go, even if it means shoving him out on his own & letting him fail. He will have to fall (and HURT) before he picks himself up. He has ADD, but people are often stronger than we think. He may well surprise you. Or he may flounder for years. He will probably hate you for a long time, maybe always. But once someone is grown, you have DONE your job, and anything after that really isn't for you to fix, it's HIS, like it or not. If you can't do this on your own, find a psychologist or family therapist who can help counsel you. You will need much support. I know these are hard words, but they come from years of soul-searching and reading and painful experience. I hope they somehow help in the end. Bless you in your struggles. I know I'll be with you in the trenches for years to come.

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crb and all other parents who live each day worrying about how their son (or daughter) will be able to "live". As I write my thoughts, I am weeping. You have been there too. Hearing your stories and struggles and suggestions here this morning triggered a big realization for me: Are the side effects of medications- Ritalin- (that for my son worked famously in the beginning, way back in 9th grade and up until 12th when his friends told him that they didn't like it when he took meds cause he "wasn't as much fun"), more about the actual positive benefits/ effects that medication has on them and their personality/behavior rather than what I hear like, "I can't eat", "it's hard for me to fall asleep", "I feel jittery"., etc. Could it be that our sons fear what lies ahead? As I let myself think this through, I am thinking that his avoidance of learning about this disease, excuses for not taking meds and the rest are all helping him stay put; avoiding change, maintain the status quo and get a lot of attention from his parents (particularily me, his mom). I would love it if someone would worry about my every need, action, future like I do for him. He is afraid of the unknown. Does he fear he won't live up to expectations (his own or those of his loved ones) when he is one his meds? Fearful of what happens if he has no fall back. Right now it is clear to all that if he took his meds as prescribed, his impulsiveness is significantly diminshed, his focus improves, his thinking is rational, his spirit lifted, his attitude becomes more positive, his staying power on tasks increases and the anger and oppositional behaviors evaporate.

The new dad who posted his "breakthrough" when faced with responsibility for another living being, his child, seems so important. I know it was for me when I realized my own ADD and was diagnosed along with my son years back. But I was at a place in life where I had to learn all there is to know about this debilitating disease to not only help relieve the guilt and pain of years of poor choices and lost opportunities, and the like but also to help me help my son avoid the same fate. But I took my meds and haven't stopped. He has never cared to learn about ADD and even now denies he really is ADD and stopped his meds over a year ago. The key as I'm thinking is getting clearer. Knowledge is Power. So my son must learn about ADD; not so much for him to understand himself at this point, but to just learn about it. It seems reasonable to think that if he were to read long enough he might learn something from another kid like himself who struggled but resolved to take that important first step to recovery--to follow doctor's orders be they medications or therapy or both. But for my son, I know if he were to take his medication as required he would be a different person who then could tackle all the other typical stuff that kids face as they move into college or on to careers. But how to get his to read when he doesn't think he needs it? Well that is making me realize that as long as his life situation stays the same, he has no reason to search for help himself. So to the other parent's comment about "letting go", yes I need to do this. If my husband and I allow our son to continue living with us under his rules and requirements instead of ours, then we deserve the stress, the sick stomach, the worry, the anxiety, the anger and all the crap (pardon my expression) that results. The thought of cutting this cord to his existence causes even more upset for me. Where will he go? How will he live? He's just starting a job that hopefully he'll be able to keep. His friends are "losers" as my husband puts it and as he has always told our children, "You are your friends. Choose them carefully".

I would love to hear other results of parents letting go of their child, having made them move out and cut all support to them so that they grow up. Seems to me that we have to do this. I guess when he realizes what his life is like without the safety net we provide (even though he "hates" the rules and ignores them too") then he'll be able to consider the notion that he does have this medical condition that is causing his life problems and might be ready to read. I believe once he gets to that point, he will find his way to being able to live a happy and healthy life. My days of reading to him are over. Think about letting go and realize that until our children have to face their reality and destiny, they will never grow up. We are keeping them from doing so. Time to push them from the nest so they can fly on their own.

Does all this sound reasonable? (Sorry for the long windedness of this post. It's only the second time I've participated in one.) God bless all of you and your children. addvocate.

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I have a 19 year old daughter with a diagnosis of autism and ADHD. We are currently receiving assistance from Vocational Rehabilitation. They provide assistance with those who have a disability that causes problems with education and employment. I am not sure if your son will be willing to accept any help from them but it would be very helpful I am sure. They did a very thorough neuropsychological evaluation and are currently assisting her with accommodations for college. They are providing her with special software to help her in school and also are paying for her books. She currently is only taking one class and is having great difficulty with it. If she was not going to school they would provide job training and a job coach. Going through this program would probably help her to keep a job much easier due to the employer knowing upfront what her difficulties are. So far we have not had to pay anything for their services. They have also done a drivers evaluation and will be providing drivers training. I also have received partial guardianship through the court system and this has enabled us to keep her on our health insurance. She also has a problem with anger issues. 2 months ago she was put on Abilify and this helped but she did not feel it helped her depression so she went back on Geodon. Prior to taking the Abilify she never admitted to her anger issues. Once she stopped taking the Abilify she noticed her anger returning and appears to be working on this. I hope this continues. I know how frustrating it is to see the problems and know there are solutions out there and not being able to make them listen. I also have a husband who may have ADD or some type of autism. He refuses to admit to any difficulties and has a lot of anger issues. I myself have ADD so I can sympathize with what she/he is going through. She/he lacks the insight to most of their problems. Often my daughter will listen to others before listening to me. The only thing that I have found that has helped our relationship in the past 6 months is that I have backed off talking with her as a parent and have shared the problems with her that I have had and still have due to my ADD. I have tried talking with her like I would another adult and shared my frustrations about how hard it is to get through each day trying to stay organized and on top of things. Since I have done that she has opened up to me and has been a little more willing to try some things I have suggested. Here is a link to a website that may be helpful: http://www.dphhs.mt.gov/dsd/vrs/index.shtml I hope this information helps.

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Appreciate hearing your story. Bless you for the love and compassion you show your daughter. As you know typically ADD has another underlying condition, which may or may not impact one's life; I take meds for depression and have been fortunate that they provide relief. The combination of Autism and ADD is simply beyond my comprehension! But from what you say the program she is in seems to be helping and moving her in the right direction. That's all we can ask for. It's day by day, inch by inch. How great it is for her to be taking a college class. Find a way to assure her success with this one as it will go along way to build her confidence and desire to keep up her studies. She is a success story in the making and you are her coach. Keep up the good work. I will look into the link you provided and appreciate your suggestions. I agree with you too that stopping the "lecturing" is a must. I am making a conscious effort to stop this and when I do I find my son is more willing to listen. Glad to hear it works for others. Thanks.

Blessings.

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Hi,

I am really glad I found this board. Having a child with ADD can be lonely and frustrating. My own son was diagnosed with ADD in 3rd grade after continual behavior problems, lack of cooperation, lack of motivation in the classroom. He had just come through his parent's divorce and his dad had just suffered a very serious auto accident leaving him brain damaged. As a single mother of two children, my first priority was keeping the roof over our heads and food on the table. My son's problems were blamed on the divorce, the accident you name it probably on me! Finally, a new school and a new teacher took the step of requesting testing and she did it in a very caring manner. I tried counseling for a year before turning to ritalin. The medication was almost instantly a turnaround in behavior, focus and his grades improved. Consequently he became thin, his personality was "flat" not fun and outward like before. When the other boys began puberty around 7th grade, my son was not maturing like the others. After he graduated 8th grade and before the start of high school the ritalin was not as effective and we were playing around with the dose to keep him "flat". I chose to stop meds. He grew and his appetite returned. His funny and lively personality returned! However, his destructive side came back. Always breaking things, talking back, hating school he grades went into decline. He spent his high school years struggling and being content just "passing" his classes with the assistance of special ed services. He is now 21 1/2. I can't count the jobs he has had and lost. The cars that have been wrecked. The speeding tickets and constant problems with the law. He left home to live with a girl and that didn't work out now he is moving around because I just can't deal with the stress in my home any longer. I believe he self-medicates with alcohol something the doctors warned me of. I am always worried about him. I wish he could get sound help and counseling but he shruggs it off. I too am at the point of tough love and a "hands off" approach. Any support appreciated. 1964Mom

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crb said: My son has struggled with ADD since he was in middle school when he was first diagnosed. He ahs been on several medications and seen counselors and two psyhciatrists who specialized in ADD. He is now 24. He does not believe he has ADD, will not see a doctor ("they are all quacks") or find a coach or see a counselor. He lives with us at home because he has no money (cannot manage money and is an impulse spender) and in addition, has social and anger issues and some oppositional disorder thrown in for good measure. He does have a job that he is able to keep. While I am finally beginning to understand more about ADD and am trying to be supportive when necessary, my patience is also running out. Our family is dysfunctional. Has anyone else had a situation like this and what did you do?

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