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crb said: My son has struggled with ADD since he was in middle school when he was first diagnosed. He ahs been on several medications and seen counselors and two psyhciatrists who specialized in ADD. He is now 24. He does not believe he has ADD, will not see a doctor ("they are all quacks") or find a coach or see a counselor. He lives with us at home because he has no money (cannot manage money and is an impulse spender) and in addition, has social and anger issues and some oppositional disorder thrown in for good measure. He does have a job that he is able to keep. While I am finally beginning to understand more about ADD and am trying to be supportive when necessary, my patience is also running out. Our family is dysfunctional. Has anyone else had a situation like this and what did you do?

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I want to thank everyone who has replied so far. I've been out of the loop lately- my dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so I now have a new problem to deal with! I found the reples from the ADDers to be very helpful in giving me insight into how my son must be thinking. We are now into our second month of "I'm going to save my money so I can..." but he is not able to keep his promises to himself. I know he says he wants to move out of the house, but does he really? Just today, he received a package in the mail for a movie that he spent $30 to get (on ebay, of course). And he has no money because he spendds it all so fast. What goes on in that head of his? Is my husband right that he will never move out as long as he feels "comfortable" here and after a blow up he's responsive for a while, and then we go back to the "normal" behavior? Should I pose some kind of a deadline for him to move out? I've offered to help him keep track of his finances, but that has NOT worked (he can do it himself, of course). I really am stumped about my next choice or set of choices, and do not feel that I can continue to deal with his problems on top of helping my mother and father in their situation. A true sandwich generation problem. I've tried explaining this to him, and he says he never asked me to help him with his problems- but he's living in our house- isn't that help in an ADD mind? He doesn't see it as "help". I've told my husband that he has to help more with our son (he long ago gave up trying to help since our son was so disrespectful and horrible to him). In a strange way, I think our son actually listens more to his dad than to me since my husband doesn't interact with him very much. I just find it so strange that he cannot seem to set a goal and work toward it- like getting an apartment of his own. I guess that's the part that is so mystifying to me- why can't he do this? If he would just get some help to learn how to deal with ADD, I think I would feel a whole lot better. Just ONE step forward would be welcome. I really appreciate all the support I felt in your replies. That does help me not feel so hopeless or helpless. I know I rambled in this message, but I'm feeling rather mixed up myself. Thanks- and if you think of anything new, please continue to reply.

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I want to thank everyone who has replied so far. I've been out of the loop lately- my dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so I now have a new problem to deal with! I found the reples from the ADDers to be very helpful in giving me insight into how my son must be thinking. We are now into our second month of "I'm going to save my money so I can..." but he is not able to keep his promises to himself. I know he says he wants to move out of the house, but does he really? Just today, he received a package in the mail for a movie that he spent $30 to get (on ebay, of course). And he has no money because he spendds it all so fast. What goes on in that head of his? Is my husband right that he will never move out as long as he feels "comfortable" here and after a blow up he's responsive for a while, and then we go back to the "normal" behavior? Should I pose some kind of a deadline for him to move out? I've offered to help him keep track of his finances, but that has NOT worked (he can do it himself, of course). I really am stumped about my next choice or set of choices, and do not feel that I can continue to deal with his problems on top of helping my mother and father in their situation. A true sandwich generation problem. I've tried explaining this to him, and he says he never asked me to help him with his problems- but he's living in our house- isn't that help in an ADD mind? He doesn't see it as "help". I've told my husband that he has to help more with our son (he long ago gave up trying to help since our son was so disrespectful and horrible to him). In a strange way, I think our son actually listens more to his dad than to me since my husband doesn't interact with him very much. I just find it so strange that he cannot seem to set a goal and work toward it- like getting an apartment of his own. I guess that's the part that is so mystifying to me- why can't he do this? If he would just get some help to learn how to deal with ADD, I think I would feel a whole lot better. Just ONE step forward would be welcome. I really appreciate all the support I felt in your replies. That does help me not feel so hopeless or helpless. I know I rambled in this message, but I'm feeling rather mixed up myself. Thanks- and if you think of anything new, please continue to reply.

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crb and fellow angels, thanks for sharing personal struggles and ideas to help resolve. crb, your last post could have been speaking about my son! It is scary how you describe him to a tee. My son was able to "ween himself off pot" long enough to barely pass a urine test required to work at HomeDepot-he also used some "interventions" of detox products to assist this effort. I admit I bought them for him b/c I wanted him to get this job! He got it and has been there about 3 weeks-this week actually working 35+hours and scheduled to work this number going forward. He also goes to nite school taking 4 college courses at community college-one course each nite Monday through Thursday. As I neve see him study we'll see how he did at semester's end. Of course he says he's doing fine. He actually enjoys his Psychology course! Maybe this will lead to an "enlightenment" for him.

But life continues to be so very difficult for him and us; two nights ago, he met up with "friends" after class and told me he'd be in between 12 and 2AM. (This is a constant dissagreement as we want him home before midnight so he can get sleep and up in time to be at work by 7 or 8am. He says he's fine...)Anyway, I awoke at 4am to find lights still on and him not home. I send text message asking where he is and get a reply "On my way home". I wait and 35 minutes later he comes in with excuse of getting flat tire a couple roads away from ours; doesn't change it but drives home. I could tell there was more to this but was so angry I didn't want to go there at that point. Something he said next made me ask him if he had been drinking? I have a nose like the best hound dog and usually am right. Of course he says no; that he in fact was the DD (designated driver)..etc..etc., I am now disgusted and tell him to get to bed as I march up the stairs. Right then I hear a loud noise and come right back down to kitchen where he is standing next to table with his car keys laying on it. I am mad at his lack of concern for other sleeping as he bangs around kitchen. He tells me "I just put my keys on table." I say "keep quiet and get to bed". I march out and up to bed.

Did not wake my husband but after 5 minutes we hear another crash and this time my husband gets up and goes down to him. He sensed something and told our son to go get the "breathalizer" that he keeps in glove box. Our son is livid! Starts yelling, cursing etc., My husband stays calm and tells me to go to bed. I do. And as I am almost deaf and need to wear hearing aids, I took them out so as not to hear what might happen next. After 10 minutes my husband comes back to bed and tells me that our son was so over the limit that the breathalizer didn't register a number but rather spelled out "hot". Meaning our son's blood alcohol level was off the chart! How did I miss this? Husband and son had words; son cried. Husband goes back down to son to help him clean up the broken glass he dropped which caused the loud noise. Talks again to him trying to calm him down as he's crying uncontrollably now. I put my hearing aids in and from a place in our bedroom watch as my husband escorts our son up stairs and at the top of stairs our son turns and gives his dad a huge hug; father returns it and tells our son he loves him and that he was very lucky this night. He could have been killed or hurt another.

Next day our son acts as if nothing happened. Our daughter/his sister talked to him and after hearing his thoughts about not getting into trouble and "no big deal", she laid into him. Not the first time of course. Meanwhile my husband and I had decided we would talk to our son when he got home from his class this night. He would now only be allowed to use car for work and school. He would have to rely on other transportation for the rest. He would have to be in by 10pm all weeknights, 12 am on weekends and had to clean himself up with no drinking and pot smoking. He could get driving privledges reviewed when he pays for his own car insurance and gas and after demonstrating his sobriety. Our son leaves for shcooll (needs to use my car cause his tire needs changing) and tells me he'll be home right after, which means by 10 as his class is over at 9:15pm. When 10:15 arrives with no word my husband calls him and is told he is "hanging with a girl he met in class and would be home by midnight". My husband tells him to get home right away, no excuses. Son has to change his flat tire so his sister could have the car for school next day. He has no consideration for anyone or anything else.

This kid was mad that we made him come home! I wen't to be before he got home b/c I didn't want to deal with him. My husband was. Our son was given "new rules" and reasons. But he got mad and yelled and tried to minimize everything. My husband stood his ground. We now have one mad 19 year old. He is at work now and due home by 5 to get ready for school. I am worried about his reaction. My husband and I agreed and he told our son tht if he didn't like the rules here he could move out. Tough love once more. Stay tuned. Pray.

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