I'm sorry to say this, but the symptoms that you are describing are not all from ADHD, there is more to it, and i feel for you , I have a daughter that suffers the exact symptoms as your husband, don't get me wrong she is a sweatheart, but sometimes she can drive anyone to the extreme , at times she is very abusive, and defiant with everyone she really loves, she suffers impulsive disorder, also ODD, which is oppositional defiant disorder, also depression, and ADHD, all these things really required medical treatment, and DBT, developmental behavioral therapy, without these treatments is very difficult, you might also need to go to counseling as a couple, it seems that your husband is very much wrapped in his own thoughts and very angry, i wish that you'll find the help that you need, i;m also going throug a lot, with my daughter because she also have mayor medical problems, so i'm raising my three grandkids 15, 8, and 5, two boys and a girl, and my daughter, and my grandkids also have ADHD, and the second boy has both ADHD/ODD. , but please hang in there, get some help, i'll promise you with all these treatments, things will get better for you, don't give up, just be strong and be there for him, but please get help immediately. i like to hear from you again, chefzanu@aol.com

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Hi IceBurn,

I'm sorry to hear of the hellish situation you're living in now--I can relate to much of it, and I know it must be extremely hurtful and confusing for you to try to even comprehend what he's doing. He may have ADD which does affect his behavior/personality to some degree, but the REAL issue I see is that he is being downright ABUSIVE to you! There is absolutely NO excuse for being abusive to another person, which he is clearly doing. That is not a symptom of ADD, so please don't feel you need to overlook his extremely hurtful and disrespectful behavior as a "symptom" of ADD--it sounds like he's using his ADD diagnosis as an excuse to emotionally & verbally abuse you. He sounds like a very selfish, self-absorbed, angry person. If that's true, please consider some thoughts:

A person in that mentality--very immature, emotionally--does not take responsibility for himself, and looks for any way to pass any of his less-than-perfect issues as someone else's fault. He wants what he wants when he wants it, and to hell with what anyone else wants or needs--others' needs are an inconvenience to him, because his focus is almost entirely on himself.

The person often has an unrealistic view of himself, basically an idealized image he either wants to be or actually thinks he is...but it doesn't really match reality. Any mistake or flaw he makes(any everyday mistake we ALL do sometimes, just being human beings) he considers to be evidence that he, himself, is an awful person. He'd feel threatened that this "awful person" image is totally different from his "ideal" image of himself, so feels an overwhelming need to convince himself and others that the mistake is someone else's fault. It can't be HIS fault, because that would make him an awufl person, so it HAS to be YOUR fault, basically. The person often feels entitled to think of his wife as just an extension of himself, maybe like a posession. What she feels, her pain, her needs, etc, don't REALLY matter, because it's all about him and what he thinks will help him feel better about himself!

The abusive man wants to keep the woman with him, so in between being hurtful and disprespectful to her, he'll often be really sweet, do nice things, apologize, and basically do whatever he thinks will convince the woman to forgive him and want to stay with him. He's not critical, nasty, demanding, and hurtful ALL the time, or else he knows the woman would leave him, and he wouldn't have her to blame for his problems, be resonsible for taking care of all his needs, or just to be there for him to keep having a false sense of "power" over her in order to bolster up his ego and his true low self-esteem.

I'm familiar with this kind of man, because I realized several months ago that my own husband has been emotionally & verbally abusive to me for years...I just never even knew it was abuse, sadly. Now I'm learning how to respond to his behavior and how to protect myself from it. I am insisting that he get whatever help he needs to heal from his own personal issues, and I'll stand by him and be supportive of him--IF he actually takes responsibility for doing that. I insist that the emotional/verbal abuse has to stop, or I will not stay and allow myself to be subject to his hurtful/disrespectful behavior. I'm TRYING to be patient and trust God to work in his heart, but at this point I don't know which way it is ultimately going to go. It is a pretty confusing situation, with many conflicting feelings toward him, and I must admit that sometimes I fall back into a very impatient mindset and need to step back and try REALLY HARD to be patient and give God time to work with him.

If you think the situation I described sounds familiar, I'd strongly encourage you to contact a domestic violence organization to get you set up with knowledge and resources, and counseling for yourself. A lot of them are free and confidential, so he'd never know you were seeking help or support. Just having someone to talk to could help so much. Do you find yourself wondering if you're starting to go crazy? That's very common for a person who has been emotionally abused to doubt her own sanity and confidence in herself.

Please forgive me if I was way off on my perception of your situation. A lot of what you mentioned sounded very familiar to me, and in the case that your situation is even remotely similar, the stuff I said above is information I would have really wanted someone to share with me as I was starting to realize what was going on with my husband.

I hope you're able to find the info/help you're seeking to help your family, and that you're able to work things out well. Please feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk about anything, or just someone to listen and support you.

Amy

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Ice Burn,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to much of what you are saying because my husband had similar symptoms. We were married for 23 years before I found out there was a name for it. That was three and a half years ago. And although my husband also has ADHD, what you are describing is not all ADD behavior. Losing one's glasses is part of ADHD, criticizing and blaming you is not the ADHD. The push and pull behavior of wanting to be close and then not, the leaving you and then wanting your attention, etc. is classic behavior for something known as the borderline personality disorder or BPD for short. One book on the disorder is called, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". You can see how the title is an apt description of what he does to you.

There is so much I could tell you about it. Please feel free to send me a personal message or email me at elaine5687@comcast.net. A couple of resources you will want to check out---the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kruger and Paul Mason, which will sound like a description of your life. When my daughter picked up the book and showed it to me three and a half years ago, I read the back cover and we both said it described my husband (her father) perfectly. Barnes and Noble carries it as should any major book store and of course it is available online.

Secondly, you will want to check out the largest online support group for "nons", a term for those who are involved in some way with someone who has BPD. You will read a lot of stories similar to yours. The website is www.bpdfamily.com For the most up-to-date and best help available go to www.biologicalunhappiness.com This doctor is light years ahead of others in the treatment of this disorder . Dr. Leland Heller, who runs this site, is the same doctor who diagnosed and treated my husband. He has had phenomenal success in treating those with this disorder, many of whom were previously told their situation was hopeless. That is why he has had patients come to see him from more than 40 different states and 15 countries, from as far away as Australia. He is that good. And that is an understatement. He's brilliant, knowledgable, compassionate, inspiring and upbeat and has a deep passion for helping those with BPD. Many doctors and psychologists will refuse to treat these patients.

DBT treatment, which stands for dialectical behavioral therapy (I think that is what grandma was referring to), is a type of therapy that is specifically geared towards helping those with the disorder. It is helpful, but in my opinion it is overrated. It does help reduce suicidal behavior and self-mutilation for those who have those tendencies but by itself, is not enough.

There are 9 criteria for the disorder and one has to have at least 5 of the criteria to be diagnosed. Many times patients with this disorder are misdiagnosed if they are diagnosed at all. Too many psychologists have a stereotypical view of the disorder that only females who cut themselves have it. The disorder is one of emotional instability, frequent mood swings that can change in an instant, unpredictable behavior and moods, low self-esteem that is sometimes masked by an arrogant attitude, impulsive behavior that is usually self-destructive (includes substance abuse, gambling, excessive spending, risky behavior, sexual promiscuity, as some examples), fear of abandonment, uncontrollable anger or raging, although some take out their anger on themselves through cutting or other forms of self-mutilation, intense and unstable relationships with others and suicidal thoughts or attempts. It is also referred to as a disorder of intimacy and one of emotional dysregulation. They have a tendency to blame others for their problems, misinterpret words or actions by others, accusing those they love with saying or doing something they never said or did.

There is a definite correlation with ADHD and BPD, although there has not been a lot of research done on it. Estimates range from 25% to 50% of those with BPD also have ADHD. My husband has both although for years he was only diagnosed with depression and a temper problem.

I could go on but I'll stop for now. One additional thing though. Without proper treatment, your husband will not change. It will most likely get worse with time. although there may be periods of relative peace for some (they are usually at their best when they first fall in love). Many of these individuals, though not all, do not think there is anything wrong with them and will therefore refuse to get help.

But this behavior is definitely not from the ADHD, although there is some overlapping of symptoms. I hope I was able to be of some help. I'm here if you want to share or ask me any questions about BPD. Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it has been very difficult for you and confusing as well.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers,

Elaine

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I am not like your husband, but it took years to get my attention. In my case we lost a pregnancy and my wife shut down for a while. I still don't know what is going to happen, but we started in therapy together and found out about my ADD and that we don't communicate well. It may take you actually considering leaving before he gets it. I don't recommend that as a tactic, but unless he is motivated to get help he may be unable to sort it out. When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.

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I can understand some of what's going on. My hubby and I are both ADD, but I agree with the previous posts: this is not just ADD and you guys need professional help. I would suggest taking action asap; you don't need to be this stressed and upset, and your son doesn't need to be either. You don't want your son growing up witnessing and possibly emulating this type of behavior. All the best. God Bless you.

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Oh honey, I'm so sorry about what you're going through! Hang in there, you're not alone. I am going through something similar, if that gives you any comfort. My story: my husband and I are Christians. I met him through his mother at church. I was a widow and I met my first husband the same way. We married after only a short time of dating (also like my first husband). Before we married, my husband was honest with me about his short-comings. He told me he had a sex addiction (watching porno videos & wanting sex daily) in addition to being diagnosed with anxiety & depression (taking Lexapro). In the beginning, things were fine, but right about the time I got pregnant (with the son he desperately wanted to continue his family name) his words & behavior became so illogical. It wasn't just me, his family, friends & co-workers were noticing it too. So our problems began. We went to a Christian counselor. Great man, but unfortunately didn't identify the adult ADD nor had the credentials to prescribe meds. So my husband starts changing jobs and then on a whim, he wants us to move from Orlando to Tallahassee. Our problems continue. We find another counselor and she makes the adult ADD diagnosis (one major positive) and prescribes Adderall XR. Unfortunately the counselor has a rare illness and is having to close the practice. He's just been given a referral to yet another counselor, but I wish we could find an actual ADD coach. Does your husband see the value of going to a counselor? I pray that he does and will seek medical attention. My husband realizes he's ill and needs help, but he's unable to understand all the research & literature I've gathered for him about how his illness is responsible for our marriage troubles. He rarely goes to church anymore. He moved out, and then a few weeks later moved back in. He says nothing to me in terms of love, but he wants to continue our intimate relations. He does spend a lot of time with our son and my twin daughters. He refuses or pushes me away when I ask for a back rub or try to hug or tickle him. And ever since he's been taking the Adderall, he's been having these anger outbursts (which I'm now documenting). I believe that both your husband and mine are also suffering from bi-polar disorder in addition to their ADD. My husband says he's going to divorce me as soon as school gets out (I'm a teacher). He says he has to because we don't agree on everything and because we think differently (ridiculous I know). He blames me for basically all his problems. I really do love my husband. I'm willing to wait patiently and encourage him while he heals. God and my support system of family & friends is what's getting me through this. I hope you have support too. You may e-mail me whenever at: stephanie.scholer@jcsb.org. We love our husbands and we're definitely affected by their pain, but we have to take care of ourselves and our children first. Try exercising to work out some of your frustrations. Take your baby to the park and swing on the swing with him. Go for a mommy/baby picnic. Get a massage, manicure or pedicure. Get a babysitter and go with some girlfriends out to eat, to the mall or to a movie. Although we have this stressful mess to deal with, your life and your baby's still goes on. Try to live it as normally as possible. I will be praying for you, girl.

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Ice Burn,

I think ADD/ADHD does not explain all this.

I’ve been recently diagnosed, but - for what it could count – I can guarantee that being an ADD/ADHD person does not necessarily mean all the things you mentioned about your husband. And I assume that what you say is what happens in real life (i.e., that you do not underestimate things that you do and actually might even contribute to, directly or indirectly, his way of behaving).

That said, I strongly suggest that you both go get support, better if you do that together. If this is non possible, and if you choose not to divorce, be prepared to help him, since he does not seem to be willing to do that on his own.

I’ve been lucky enough to understand that awareness is very, very important to cope with my disorder. I don’t know if/when I’ll be different from what I’ve been my all life, but at least I’m much more aware of what goes on in my mind. And this helps. A lot.

Believe me, if you can help him in becoming more just aware of what he is doing or saying, a lot of work is done. This is not easy at all. But let me give you a very simple example, just to start off: do not fight and blame each other, and focus on what you feel, and what he feels. Don’t argue with sentences like “you did this, you did that” but rather “I felt this, how did you feel?”. Try to control your anger and frustration, and speak a language he can understand. Find a way to talk to him about yourself WITHOUT mentioning him, and see if he does the same. Give him the time he needs to react, and think, and be aware.

--al

PS sorry for my english

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I agree with other posters that not all the things you listed about your husband are directly related to ADD. While we do tend to be messy and disorganized, expecting someone else to run our lives or being verbally abusive is a character issue, not an ADD issue. I recommend counseling. If he won't go, go without him. A professional can help you sort out the ways in which your behavior contributes to the problem (no marriage issue is ever entirely one person's fault), and how you can respond differently, perhaps bringing change. I would also highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage by psychologists Cloud and Townsend.

In the meantime, how do you respond to your husband's behavior? Do you blow up or nag? Or do you set clear boundaries on what you will do if he does X or Y? For example: "Honey, I want to apologize for nagging you to put things away. I know it isn't easy to live with someone who is constantly on your case, and I'd like you to let me know if I slip back into that behavior. I really don't want to be a shrew and I need your help to overcome the habit of nagging I've fallen into. Also, there's another behavior of mine I'm going to change. I've gotten into the habit of going and finding your stuff for you if you loose it. I need to apologize for that, too, because my doing it for you won't help you learn to be more organized. If you'd like me to help you learn organizational skills, I'd love to help you find the resources you need, but if you misplace something, you'll have to locate it yourself."

My parents did this with me when I was young. They gave me ideas about how to remember to get my lunch when I was leaving for school (like putting a spoon in my shoe every night), but if I forgot my lunch anyway, I'd get to go hungry that day. They would not bring it to me.

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Thank you for the advice everyone. Out of the blue, my husband said he wanted to see a psychiatrist. This greatly surprised me. He tole me he's realized that every time he's mad at me, he really believes its over and only when I am not around, that's when he misses me. He said he needs help. i am very glad at this development and we are currently looking around for psychiatrists in this country who specialize in this. We have gotten some referrals and have scheduled to see them.

Things seem to have gotten better after my husband's realization. Little by little he's no longer being demanding and isn't picking fights. He's actually planning the future now. And is more caring to our little boy. I don't know what realization he's had but I'm glad it has happened. I believe our marriage is going to get better. i just hope this isn't a temporary phase he is going through.

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Iceburn,

I'm glad that things are looking up, but please don't be too quick to let down your guard with your husband. Mine did the same thing, and once he saw that the threat was over, at least for the moment, he went back to his old behaviors.

I've read the other posts here, and I have a different take on what's going on with your husband. First, Borderline Personality Disorder, is very serious and not very common. I would suggest that you google Narcissistic husband, or find Sam Vaknin's blog on Amazon.com and see if the descriptions match what you've been experiencing with your husband -- it was very eye-opening for me. Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

My husband, too, was the one who suggested his own therapy. He's been in therapy for the better part of 8 years now, and he's on his 4th therapist. Usually, they're just not doing things the way he wants. This is classic narcissistic behavior. It's not his fault -- he's "painfully honest" and his therapists let him down. We started couples therapy also, and for the longest time he's was all about getting the therapists (yes, we've had multiples here, too -- we're on our third) to just get me to stop getting mad at him. He insisted that all the problems in our marriage boiled down to my temper -- which, by the way, did NOT exist before I knew him! He masterfully managed to manipulate two trained professionals into forcing me to sit through session that were all about what was wrong with me. We actually had one therapist who asked him to describe all of my physical attributes that he found unattractive -- let me tell you, not a fun discussion to have to sit through.

Well, we finally found a therapist he couldn't manipulate and she insisted that he get off of making me the "identified patient" -- i.e. he had to stop insisting that fixing me would fix everything.

Basically, narcissism is all about hiding shame -- a deep, abiding shame that's been with you since childhood. You create this "false self" to hide what you perceive to be your inadequacies and everyone and everything in your life needs to match up with this false self. Invariably, the spouse is never good enough and the children are the narcissists hope for redemption -- not at first, because they do take attention away from the narcissist. But, as they become little people, the narcissist sees that the child can become everything that they are not. So, they set about (unconsciously) molding their child in their (false) self-concept. Woe the poor child who doesn't end up living up to the narcissist's vision! They end up being treated to the same shame-inducing criticisms that the narcissist would heap on themselves, if they had the courage.

Please be careful -- your husband's hiding and avoiding treatment for his disability sounds like he carries shame about it. Think of it, he's probably a very smart man who probably was seen as being as smart as he really was because of a disability. Maybe he was just called lazy. I'm the diagnosed ADDer in our house, and I can tell you that it hurt even just to be told that I was not living up to my "potential". I think that's much harder for boys to hear those negative meassges than it is for girls. So, feel for your husband's pain, understand it. But, do protect yourself from how he copes with it.

None of his problems are your fault. You must not let him convince you otherwise. You must not let him convince you that you are inadequate in any way -- he himself feels inadequate on some level but can't deal with that so he needs to dump it off on someone else, most likely the person he's closest to. Learn to set emotional boundaries. Learn as much as you can about what you might be dealing with. Messiness and disorganization is ADD and something you can deal with, but treating you badly and blaming you for everything that's wrong in his life is narcisstic and potentially dangerous for you.

I'm not going to say leave him, because I haven't left my husband. But, I've made no bones about the fact that the marriage must be a two-way street, and that I must get my needs met in the relationship, as well. Narcissists are not good about being interested in what other people need. In fact, if they give you anything it is out of a need that they have, it's not really a selfless act. Don't expect him to be caring and concerned about your probelms -- he doesn't have the ability. Narcissists can't emapthize with other people because it causes them too much pain.

Oh, and never tell him that he's a narcissist! You want to see instantaneous, out-of-control rage?!

My husband does not seem to have a full-blown version of the disorder, but the way I would describe it is that he has a narcissistic response when he finds himself in a situation that causes him discomfort or makes him feel threatened. He did do a number on my sense of self-esteem, and for a long time I bought into it because I was the one with the diagnosis. Meanwhile, he is so much more distractible than me! I end up picking up garbage from the floor that he absent-mindedly dropped, I'm constantly called in on rescue missions because he's misplaced something. But, I've also been repeatedly reminded over the years, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that I am dispensible. Totally dispensible, until I start talking about leaving the relationship. Then, he grabs on and vows to work on things and make everything work, and talks about not wanting to lose his family . This lasts for, well, it varies, but basically it lasts as long as it takes for me to stop saying I want to end the marriage. It's a horrible rollercoaster ride, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

HOWEVER, if you are committed to staying in your marriage, I do recommend that you keep your eyes open -- don't assume anything has changed until you see longterm, ongoing proof of it. Read as much as you can on narcissism and how to protect yourself. Make sure you have an excellent, dependable, non-judgemental support system. And, always remember to have faith in yourself and what you're worth. Don't ever give that over to him.

Good luck and God speed.

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