Been there done that! It is very trying for the non ADHD spouse! Maybe you should try asking him how you can help. I found that coloful notes all over the house helped with reminders. Even reminding him sometimes does not help as he is normally thinking about something else when I am talking! A note he has to read so it sinks in better. Communication also helps if you can explain you want to help and don't want to come accross as accusing or putting down.....

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Many marriages experience difficult adjustments once the honeymoon's over even if the couple has been together before the marriage. One's decision may very well affect the other. One's actions may cast a negative light on both. Etc.

All of this is magnified by the ADD. At least your hubby's been diagnosed. Check out this article: http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/relandsoc/marriage . Many of the bullet point signs applied in this home. The undiagnosed ADD affected other areas of life in some similar ways to your situation, which further strained things at home.

I had undiagnosed ADD for years. My spouse couldn't understand why I did or didn't do certain things. Yet, she always was extremely supportive and intelligent in proposing solutions. Despite that, I didn't like nagging and I got defensive. What you have to understand is that it's not you. ADDers get defensive and hate being nagged by anyone.

As an ADDer, you've had to bear years of criticism, failure, frustration, loss, shame, etc. So you react viscerally to the nagging. You may fight (attack/become defensive) or flee. The years of practice with these primitive reactions makes them a virtually automatic response. Realize again that it's not at all about you.

As your hubby has been diagnosed, he needs to get effective treatment. Maybe he's not taking meds; maybe he's become tolerant to them. He may have comorbid stuff like anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression etc. Also, it seems to me that he needs to get the ADD frustration out and understand what it's doing to him and his marriage/life. He needs to change his habits and responses; he needs to take advantage of his strengths and limit his weaknesses. That's why he needs behavioral therapy. He also may need more exercise, better nutrition, etc. etc.

While he may resist this suggestion initially, he needs to see a qualified professional ASAP. Once he goes, no one will be more relieved than he (if he finds a good fit). He'll learn to accept what he can't change (having the ADD), change what he can (about his ADD-bred responses and weaknesses), and learn to know the difference. Things will begin to improve right away. It won't be easy, but it'll be a lot better than fighting the losing battle he's involved in.

Then, he needs to kiss your %$$ a lot!!

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Sit down and let him read your posting --then explain that he is a very talented individual -- list all his great qualities -- then together figure out how to put things in place to help him manage the parts of the business that he doesn't keep on top of (book keeper, you pay bills, watch with alarm ect) he should concentrate on the parts of the business that he does well with -- everyone is not great with everything and he should not feel less of a man just because he doesn't do everything related to the business -- ususally add individuals do not realize how they come off - they need to have it gentlly pointed out -- let him know you are a team !

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Hi, I can sympathize with the wives who have written about their husbands with ADD and the trials (nightmares) they go through. In my case, it's just the opposite. I am the partner with ADD and truthfully, it played a huge part in my failed marraige. Before I was taking medication for ADD, I was extremely forgetful, highly frustrated and overwhelmed most of the time. Completing the simplest chores was difficult because I couldn't stay focused and on task. Dinner was always late, my husbands favorite shirt was never clean on time and my step-kids were running amuck becuase I couldn't parent them properly. I am not taking all the blame, but I do know that my inability to deal with my ADD issues casued some seemingly overwhelming problems. Oh... and let's not forget the constantly overdrawn back account!!! There were times when I felt so inadequate that I would just sit in the locked bathroom and cry for hours.

With the help of a good counselor who taught me how to recognize and break destructive behaviors, I am 200% better. I am single now.. and raising my children as a single parent, but I am also a full time student working on a degree in Social work. I am a proud to say that I make the Dean's list every quarter. In my work arena, I have learned techcniques that help me remember details and to stay on tasks. One of my bigger issues, blurting out and interupting conversations is now a non issue. My faith had a lot to do with my improvement also, in looking at my self-esteme issues and the fact that God made me different and I need to learn how to make it work best for me. I really feel for the couples that have an ADD partnership... it's is difficult at best, but counseling that revolves around behavior modification (recognizing and changing negative behaviors) is wonderful. It will also help the non-ADD partner to break the cycle of negative reactions to the ADD'ers behaviors. Don't give up!!!

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