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Hypersnake said: I just cannot live like this anymore. I am depressed all the time. I love my wife and kids so much. I don't know why I cant seem to do the things she wants me to do. I just can't follow through on anything, which makes her frustrated then the things she says just bites at my heart tearing it apart. I honestly feel bad for letting her down, but like she says, how many times will i say I'm sorry? I think maybe my family would be better off without me.

I have been married just under 11 years to my High School sweetheart. I guess love only takes you so far. I think I need to get a divorce. I love my wife so much, if I need to break my heart so that hers can be happy, then I think that is what I must do...Lord, Jesus, help me.

Hey there, I see that right now you are feeling hopeless about your ADD, your relationship, and not knowing what to do. Right now it feels horrible and hopeless, but please stop and give yourself some time...time to think, seek help, communicate with your wife (about how you're thinking/feeling and how you're feeling frustrated by the ADD stuff), and pray about your situation if faith is a resource for you.

Please don't give up on your marriage, and definitely don't give up hope in yourself! :) Most likely your wife is frustrated by the same issues that YOU are, (and she loves you anyway!) and the two of you can (together) seek help with managing your ADD. Seeking help together could actually wind up bringing you closer together, as you show love and devotion to each other in meeting the ADD challenge as a team. There is a reason you and your wife fell in love and got married...even if you have to hang by only a thread right now, remember that there IS love there, and you can work together through this if you don't give up on each other.

I see that you adore your children, and I'd imagine they love you very much as well...if you and your wife are both willing to work together on the ADD issues and show love and grace to each other even in the midst of the disappointment/frustration, it would SOOOOO be in their best interest to keep your marriage--and family--intact. Even though things are difficult at this time it IS possible to work through this together, and think of how glad you will be that you stayed and have an even stronger love and commitment to each other! :) Please give yourself lots of time to think it over carefully.

Are you being treated for your ADD? Your depression concerns me--are you working with a psychologist at all? I'd HIGHLY recommend seeking a professional to help you through these issues. Depression is a HUGE drain on your energy and confidence, and when a person is depressed he/she isn't capable of really thinking things through clearly and rationally as you normally would. I say all this because I've been there myself, and I do completely understand the hopeless pit depression feels like. With help of a psychologist I overcame it!!!! (We used a Cognitive approach--changing the way I THINK about things automatically changes the way I'm feeling) You will feel so much better about yourself and your capabilities when you seek professional help and learn to remove the dark cloud of depression hanging over you--believe me!!!!!

Hang in there! I'm here, and there are others as well who are willing to listen and encourage you--I've got to get my rambunctious children in bed for nap so I better go, but I'll pray for you. :) Please let us know how you're doing.

Amy

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If you are ADHD, which I think you must be just because you posted on this forum, then you need to give yourself a break. You sound as if you were me two years ago before I got proper treatment for my ADHD and depression.

Somehow make sure that you get to a psychiatrist that has expertise in ADHD, even if it means going into dept to do so. With proper treatment you and your family will heal. You have to realise / accept that you are not in control of this and, because you care, you are getting more and more depressed. It has nothing to do with how hard you are trying. With a good psychiatrist, your life will change for the better. Remember that you are not alone, and post here as much as you need to. This form is meant to be a community that supports one another, unconditionally. My e-mail address is jedcahill@hotmail.com, e-mail me directly if there is anything that I can do to help.

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Hypersnake, please know that you are not alone. I too, married my high school sweetheart, and had been married happily for 12 years. Throughout the end of 2006 and much of 2007, we had a rocky relationship. I had a heart attack in 2006, and afterwards suffered a clinical depression up until early 2007. I was feeling very much like you are today. I lost my energy, was overwhelmed by to-do list of important things, lost my sex drive, and couldn't seem to bring myself to finishing up anything. I was miserable. My performance at work nose-dived and I became irritated and angry very easily. At home, my relationship with my wife suffered tremendously.

It took a personal friend to notice and told me I needed help. I went to see a psychologist. Just talking to someone ad being able to get it off your chest helped a lot. Reaching out to friends also helped a lot.

Then my daughter was diagnosed with ADD, and looking at the questionnaire her mom and teacher went through, I realized that she got it from me. I read a lot about ADD and strategies for coping. The "So I am not crazy, lazy, or stupid" book made me realize what I have suspected all my life (I am 37) that my brain works differently, even though I had always done super well at school and work. It was a tremendous relief to have that realization.

Your priority should be getting over the depression, because your brain can't think straight during this phase. Please give yourself a lot of break during the depression phase. I didn't take medication to overcome my depression, but looking back maybe I should have. Your psychologist will refer you to a psychiatrist if you needed a prescription for one. Once you start to work on your depression, you can take on small projects to create small wins and start feeling good again.

Please don't give up on yourself or your marriage. The best gift you can give your kids is a mom and a dad who stay in a loving marriage. Another resource that I recommend is Retrouvaille (http://www.retrouvaille.org/). Even though it is church sponsored, it is not a religious program. Another thing that helped me was taking up yoga and meditation. I am not a regular practitioner but whenever I feel stressed I use the gentle stretches I learned and I feel much better afterwards.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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Dear Hypersnake,

Boy does your story ring a bell. Every detail -- family, lists, apologies, 11 years, frustration, self-doubt, deepening depression -- was there for me too. Well, it didn't work out in the sense that we are just finishing our divorce at year 13, and I am feeling tremendous pain about the effect on the kids. But...

Do everything you can. I did. I know in my heart I would have given anything to make things work, and finally offered just that, to submit to what I now see was a foolish and humiliating plan my wife cooked up, but it wasn't enough for her. I'm clean on that, I was willing, and knowing it rests my soul just a little bit.

I am going to recommend a website for treatment that is from a doctor that has served me well, has published about his work, and so could be proposed to your doctor. It's Dr. Jory Goodman -- just google his name. He's a bit of a character, but his ideas and treatment work. The thought of medication was an anathma to me for many, many years, but it has helped like night and day. One regret I do have is that I did not have the humility to take this course years ago.

I really lost it when the break up occured and got talked into seeing a therapist. First, the one I see now, who is amazing, wasn't the first one I tried. If you should try this route, don't be afraid to stop seeing someone and move on to another. Trust your instincts. I can't tell you how much it helps to talk it out with someone who has no agenda except helping you. It's huge.

I find myself now in a dizzying state of affairs where I feel 1000% better about myself than I did when I was married, but I feel so sad about not seeing my kids every day. But now my kids see me succeed when they're with me because I take care of them, and they are starting to take it for granted that I can do it. Ultimately, maybe the chance for my kids to see me as I am, someone who can succeed in his own unique [ADD] way, is worth the trauma of the break up. Maybe seeing me as a sad sack failure everyday would have been worse over the years, would have left them with a "failed" father who never really had a chance. No matter how sweet she is [or in my case it turns out not], your wife is judging you and your kids see this. It can't be helped.

It takes two for lists and other ADD helpers to not work. Don't take all of the responsibility for this situation. Trust me, your wife is contributing to this situation as much as you are, no matter how hard this may seem to believe. Maybe you won't need all the support I have, and can get your chin up on your own. You have powers no one else does, and if they don't include efficiency at traditional domestic chore lists and schedules, maybe everyone should try doing it your way for a few months. Can your wife succeed with a domestic agenda based on your strengths and preferences? It's not you that's the problem, it's both of you.

I learned this the hard, very hard, way, and I hope it helps. My ex-wife could never and never will understand this, and I see now that that's her major problem that she won't face. On my own now, I still forget, and paying bills on my own doesn't always go smoothly, but I am doing it, getting chores in my home done as I would do them; for whatever reason, I happen to get a lot done -- dishes, garbage, laundry, etc. -- from 10 pm to 11 pm -- is there anything really wrong with that? Nope, not a thing.

You have a good heart. Somehow, in some way, you'll make it.

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Depression in men is huge and largely undiagnosed. You are not alone by any means. My husband suffers from it and has refused treatment especially medication. We have since been trying to better understand treating the depression through natural means so he is now taking lots of vitamins. We do alot of reading about men and depression. We have both noticed a huge difference over the last several months. Instead of tuning out and becoming a couch potato or zoning out in his "cave" he is more able to cope with our day-to-day struggles rather then having those struggles shut him down completely. Google "deppression in men" and I would recommend doing some research on vitamins and depression. It may be enough to take the edge off so you can get motivated. I hope things work out well for you and our family.

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I have had depression along with my ADHD all my life. I suffered for years before I realized that God made me this way, and God also gave us brilliant people who discovered the medication to treat it. I take medication for the depression and medication for the ADHD. It has changed my life! I am the same creative, out going person I always was, but now I am happy. I have had to work very hard on my marriage and my parenting but with a good therapist I have done well. What has helped my marriage the most is reading together about adhd. My husband now understands that it is not just me, that it is the adhd. He now gets that I have to do things a little differently then he does in order to get them done. It has NOT been easy. We almost divorced several years ago, after about 13 years of marriage, but we worked hard together to understand one another better, and to accept one another's faults. Please don't give up. No matter what happens, whether you and your wife can work things out or not, you alone are worth the effort to find the help that you need. I know how tired you are, and how hard it is to even pick up a phone or google a name. I know the helpless lost feeling that you are experiencing, and I also know that any one of us telling you this doesn't really change that, but what I also know is you are reaching out for help and that is the best thing in the world that you can do. Call your local mental health crisis center and ask for a name. You don't have to give them any information about yourself, so no embaressment to worry about. Do it. Make that call and follow up with the name that they give you. Better yet, ask them if they can connect you directly. You are worth it. I will pray for you.

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How did you find someone who specialized in treating both depression and ADD? I have spoken to numerous doctors over the years and they have disagreed with one another about which types of medications would benefit me best. One said that first I needed to take medication for ADD and once those symptoms were more under control that the depression could naturally resolve itself. Another said that the depression should be treated first and then the ADD. Another recommended treating both simultaneously. My concern has been that if I take something for the ADD that is a stimulant that it could heighten the anxiety I experience.

I have been living with depression, anxiety and inattentive type of ADD for years without taking medication. About 7 years ago I was prescribed Paxil for anxiety/depression and wound up in the ER 3 weeks after taking it regularly with the weirdest symptoms I had ever had. I had what felt like ice water running down the undersides of my arms with every heartbeat, a metal taste in my mouth, everything in the room went sideways and I felt like I was floating out of my body (during a business meeting, how humiliating.) It was so intensely frightening that I have never been able to take anything since. I was told that I was just sensitive to that particular medication, but it took so long to get it out of my system and it was such a frightening experience that I have panic attacks at the very thought of taking anything else. So, I have spent the last 7 years trying to make sure that I eat well nutritionally, exercise and do whatever I can to manage the ADD. I tend to drink too much coffee, which seems to help at a certain point and then be very unhelpful after too much. I guess it's self medication.

Most people do not know that I experience this unless they know me well. People in the workplace usually think I am on top of everything and well organized. When they look closer, however, they see the piles of sticky notes that are all over my desk. They can see me struggling to maintain attention in meetings where people are going on and on about what feel like boring topics. I have had to struggle to develop coping skills over the years that get me through my work life, and can be quite successful at work. I am very intelligent and can overfocus and get so much done. But, my house and car are almost always a mess. I know what to do, l but cannot carry it out when I am so exhaused after using all of my coping skills just to get through the day. I get to where I am afraid to invite people over.

I feel like I live a double life. People usually think I have it all together until they get to know me more on a personal level and see the way I live. I feel the most sorry for my children. I am a single mom and am always rushing from this to that and lack the skills to show them how to keep themselves organized. Their school work suffers and I feel responsible. Their rooms are a mess and they cannot find socks or shoes in the morning and I feel responsible. More anxiety, more depression... People in my family feel like I don't care because I don't call or write or remember birthdays... More anxiety, more depression... I talk to the doctors who give different advice every time, sometimes come home with a prescription, and then I never get it filled because I am too frightened.

I don't know why I am writing all of this. It's nice to get it out. Thanks for listening/reading.

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Jed said: If you are ADHD, which I think you must be just because you posted on this forum, then you need to give yourself a break. You sound as if you were me two years ago before I got proper treatment for my ADHD and depression.

Somehow make sure that you get to a psychiatrist that has expertise in ADHD, even if it means going into dept to do so. With proper treatment you and your family will heal. You have to realise / accept that you are not in control of this and, because you care, you are getting more and more depressed. It has nothing to do with how hard you are trying. With a good psychiatrist, your life will change for the better. Remember that you are not alone, and post here as much as you need to. This form is meant to be a community that supports one another, unconditionally. My e-mail address is jedcahill@hotmail.com, e-mail me directly if there is anything that I can do to help.

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I share your pain for I battle most of the same frustrations you menion in your note. Often my fights with my wife are on things i fail to followup on. Saying im sorry is a thing of the past. She is frustrated big time and often her remarks cut right to the heart. I'd walk out tomorrow but i have no where to go and love my children. BUt i too think she would be a lot better off without me in more ways than one , Im going to try and get some help, wit a docor and a local support group. But im not sure if time has run out. on all that too . She thinks that adhd can be treated with a simple pill. I only wish. . Im not sure if this note helps but at least you know your not alone

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Get counseling, have your wife attend ... let her "vent" and get her anger out...

Then lay out a game plan; to change (modify your behavior) the things you can, get help with the things that you can't change, and work on healing the relationship ...

You can never be "normal" ... but you can be alot better than you are right now ...

ADD is a curse, but it's also a HUGE Blessing ... find out what makes you BETTER than most, and expand on those gifts ...

Creating a new Habit takes 21 days ... work on ONE thing at a time ... develop routines, structure, and learn to maintain each new Habit before you move on to conquer another "issue" ...

Love is Enough ... but showing Respect for your wife by being willing to change will supercharge the relationship, and redeveloping TRUST (lost due to your lack of follow through) will send you into hyper speed ...

My thoughts and prayers are with you ... baby steps, make each day better, and you'll be fine ...

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“You’re not alone.” You feel alone. You want to be alone. You don’t want to be alone. Quite a few of us have heard/felt this for years. At times I would trade both of my legs for a brain with a “normal” executive function. If people could see the problem they would understand and I wouldn’t have to say “I’m sorry” all the time. But my wish has never come true. I have my legs and a brain with ADHD.

I’m not sure where we got the opinion that one size fits all, that there is only one problem with one solution. Why do some with ADHD succeed and other don’t? Why can I take Zoloft and Wellbutrin and stay above the depression most of the time and others can’t? Why can’t I react the same way they do on their drugs? Why haven’t the drug companies come up with just one pill that will fix everything? I don’t know. I do know that I have more fun than should be legal with my grandchildren. I do know what I am good at and how to exploit those talents (it took me a long time to admit I had talents). I do know that after 3 years of individual and couples counseling, the relationship between me and the world is improving. I do know that my wife does not have ADHD and says “sorry” sometimes (maybe not as often as I do but we don’t count). People (and my family) still react negatively to my inability to follow through on everything. But they are reacting to the event and not me. They hate what I have/haven’t done (so do I). They do not hate me (neither do I). We talk about it. We acknowledge the issues and feelings and frustrations and depressions and … We know when it gets too much and we need to refocus. We know when we need to slot in an extra trip to the counselor. We also negotiated expectations (mine were higher than hers) and we figured out how to manage my career to minimize failure (at age 58). We are happy most of the time although right now we are kind of in a low, but we are working through it. We are figuring out what I do that causes her to shut down and why she has to shut down when I need the most help. We have decided that after 39 years of marriage, raising two sons, watching 5 grandkids grow up, multiple career changes, and the investment of tons and tons of emotions that we are better off together even though we do not have to be (the “kids” are in their mid to late 30’s). I tell you all of this not to offer as a model because I’m the only one I’ve tested it on. I tell you this so you know I have some experience. None of the above worked until I found the right drug combo (Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Adderall). Then nothing worked until we found the right counselor. Then when I got off of my ego and accepted her help, things started working for us. Please, talk to your wife.

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Just wanted to mention that I've been really encouraged as well from reading the advice you all have given. I hope "Hypersnake" is feeling supported and it's helping him...(if you see this, Hypersnake, let us know how you and your family are doing, please! :)

A lot of you who've responded sound like such sweet people--the way you've made such effort to reach out to your husbands/wives is heartwarming to hear about. I'm proud of y'all for your successes, and I thank you all for sharing your experiences with us here.

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Tamantha, I want you to know that your words could have been written by me! "I have had to struggle to develop coping skills over the years that get me through my work life, and can be quite successful at work. I am very intelligent and can overfocus and get so much done. But, my house and car are almost always a mess. I know what to do, l but cannot carry it out when I am so exhaused after using all of my coping skills just to get through the day. I get to where I am afraid to invite people over. People usually think I have it all together until they get to know me more on a personal level and see the way I live. I feel the most sorry for my children. ... always rushing from this to that and lack the skills to show them how to keep themselves organized. Their school work suffers and I feel responsible. Their rooms are a mess and they cannot find socks or shoes in the morning and I feel responsible. More anxiety, more depression..."

Is there anyone with suggestions for how to get over all of this? I have been taking medication for depression for 5 years and for ADD for 2 years. My depression hasn't gotten better. The only thing going up is my prescription costs! I have recently been put on a second depression drug. My children are 17, 14, & 12. My husband and I cannot get them to do ANYTHING around the house. That js just as depressing! I stay at work to avoid the mess and fight at home. Can counseling help this? My kids will NOT do any structured, well-thoughtout system. They have been diagnosed as well with both of these nasty illnesses. I feel depression and ADHD have become monsters that my family cannot win against! Oh yes, my husband also has been diagnosed with both as well. It just makes us all feel hopeless!

But, my word for hypersnake is to have your wife go to meet your doctor and have a few talk sessions as well. She needs to read about, learn, understand, and advocate for you and this illness SO SO many of us suffer from.

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To all my ADDer friends, an update on my life. As much as it hurt me to do, I divorced my wife. I could say it was for a number of reasons, but it still doesn't change the fact that it came down to divorce. My divorce was finalized in November of 2010. I went into a deeper depression than I had ever known. Personally, I think it was because I broke my promise to God to love my wife forever.

I stayed in my depression for a little over a year or so. In the midst of my depression, a friend from grade school just showed up one day on Facebook! We started chatting and after a while she suggested I try online dating. I tried the site she suggested and I found the woman that would become my next wife!

So, yes, I am married again and the children just adore her and her family (mom, brother, & sister), and she loves them like they are her own! I made sure of many things before getting married again. 1) same religious faith 2) She knew upfront about my ADHD and a lot of my time-space continuum problems. such as being late and forgetting.

I have joined a meetup.com group for 'games' (boardgames and such) which wasn't easy for me with my social ineptitude...LOL another "gift" of my ADHD. I still get a little nervous in the big crowd sometimes, but going every Friday has gone from being nerve wracking to pretty fun, and I am learning so many new games! I am learning to live again! HS

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