Hopefully, the adjustment of her ADHD meds will do the trick. My son has been having lack of motivation problems with school as well. He is 16 and a sophomore in high school. We have him seeing the doctor and a therapist to help us determine what is going on. It is possible that depression is involved as it affects teenagers differently than adults. We are looking into that possibility with my son and you might want to consider an evaluation with a doctor if the medication adjustment doesn't solve the problem.

Is your daughter having any other problems besides school? Mood swings, irritability, anything unusual or different? Make a note of anything out of the ordinary so you will remember to mention it to the doctor if you take her in for an evaluation. We have also talked to a school counselor who is going to make an important change for us. My son's first period class is Geometry which he is failing, mostly because he has trouble getting up in the morning and makes it to school late. If they are even 5 minutes late, they miss the entire class and have to sit in the cafeteria for that period. So much for no child left behind. What does that accomplish? He is getting his Geometry switched to second period and health class will be first period. Funny, because last year he had Algebra first period and when I asked if something could be done for him, I was told that nothing could be done by his 504 coordinator. Sometimes you just have to find the right person.

Elaine

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I sure don't have an answer but my son who is a freshman has no motivation. I do have him in counseling so I'm hopeful that will help. It doesn't help that his Dad walked out on the family in August and my son is extremely angry.

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ADDWriter said: My 16 yr old ADD daughter is having problems with school this year. She's fine in the classes she enjoys, however the "important" ones like Adv Algebra and Amer Lit, she struggles with. She's missed several projects as well as many assignments in these classes and just isn't cooperative when I try to help her. It's like she's so overwhelmed she shuts down completely and pretty much expects me to do the work for her. I make suggestions on how to do things, she rejects them, refusing to even consider what I'm saying. It usually ends in an argument.

Her Algebra teacher has cut her a deal in that if she maintains a C grade for second semester as well as takes all the pretests and test re-dos to improve any test she doesn't do well on, she'll raise her first semester grade from a D (or an F depending on how she does on the final). I'm can't see her upholding this but I don't want to sound defeating either. How do I motivate her to keep working at this? I've adjusted her meds and we're going in to see her counselor and make sure her second semester load is as light on homework as it can be. I've explained to her many times that it's human nature to avoid the things we dislike, but there are just times were we have to do it regardless. She's probably heard the lecture so much she's immune. I've taken away car keys, cell phone, computer...it just doesn't matter to her. Any suggestions?

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ADDWriter said: My 16 yr old ADD daughter is having problems with school this year. She's fine in the classes she enjoys, however the "important" ones like Adv Algebra and Amer Lit, she struggles with. She's missed several projects as well as many assignments in these classes and just isn't cooperative when I try to help her. It's like she's so overwhelmed she shuts down completely and pretty much expects me to do the work for her. I make suggestions on how to do things, she rejects them, refusing to even consider what I'm saying. It usually ends in an argument.

Her Algebra teacher has cut her a deal in that if she maintains a C grade for second semester as well as takes all the pretests and test re-dos to improve any test she doesn't do well on, she'll raise her first semester grade from a D (or an F depending on how she does on the final). I'm can't see her upholding this but I don't want to sound defeating either. How do I motivate her to keep working at this? I've adjusted her meds and we're going in to see her counselor and make sure her second semester load is as light on homework as it can be. I've explained to her many times that it's human nature to avoid the things we dislike, but there are just times were we have to do it regardless. She's probably heard the lecture so much she's immune. I've taken away car keys, cell phone, computer...it just doesn't matter to her. Any suggestions?

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My son is 15 and I don't believe he's too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he HATES to do homework and he did not sutdy for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in.

I'm trying not to overreact to all of this (hard sometimes!), and I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school -- it's just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. I ask teachers each semester to understand his challenges (organization is a HUGE one) and I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. At the same time, I don't want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I do try and remind my son that he's doing what he's doing for HIMSELF, not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn't do well or chooses not to do something, he's not letting me down. Then I ask him who he's letting down and he always knows the answer. "Me," he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible, at at the same time, try to find and use my son's gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don't take away sports because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven't read Chris Dendy's book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an ABSOLUTE must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, "Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would." These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

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You are describing what happened with my daughter in high school (she just graduated last June). Your description of her "just shutting down" is absolutely accurate because that's literally what's happening. We thought originally that it was a motivational thing, but what it turned out to be was extreme anxiety that eventually led to depression. Starting her on Cymbalta made a big difference, but that didn't take care of everything.

For my daughter, ADD means not only that her mind goes a mile a minute, leading to distractability, but also that once her interest is piqued, she will hyperfocus to the exclusion of all else. Combine that with the high school experience, where kids must take six and seven courses every day. Not only is she dealing with the distractability, not to mention great problems transitioning from one class and subject to another in the space of less than ten minutes, but they're also expecting her to manage several projects and homework assignments in many subjects every day. No wonder she became anxious to the point of paralysis!

If this sounds like what's happening with your daughter, here's one solution for math: find the best tutor you can who can literally be her teacher, i.e., not just someone to help with homework, but someone who will assume she has absorbed nothing in the classroom and so will reteach it anew at every meeting. We learned a long time ago that our daughter learns best in one-on-one situations--fewer distractability problems that way. Doing this, she went from a D in Algebra II to a B, an F in Statistics to a C. The teachers, by the way, would cut her no slack on the amount of homework and papers she had to turn in (despite a 504 plan to the contrary), so these grades reflect the same amount of work everyone else did. In fact, because of her anxiety and depression, we convinced the school that it was detrimental for her to even attend class (it didn't help that the teacher thought it would be "motivational" to remind her she was failing). They vetted the tutor and agreed to accept him as her de facto teacher. Not having to attend the class helped tremendously with the anxiety. What's the best tutor? Someone not intimidating to your daughter, but definitely not another high school student (we found a graduate student in math at our local university). By the way, the tutor turned in her homework for her, so the usual problem of forgetting to turn things in magically disappeared. :)

As for papers and projects, we found that her tendency to perfectionism led to her staring at the computer screen for hours trying to perfect three sentences, but if she dictated what she wanted to say, she could knock out a paper in a day. Dictating to me worked freshman year, but after that she didn't want to have to work with Mom. So we convinced her to hook up with a friend of hers who was attending the local university. My daughter would dictate, her friend would key in, then when my daughter would want to hyperfocus on a sentence or a paragraph, her friend would tell her it was good enough and get her to move on. It made writing a fun social experience, which in turn seemed to dissipate the paralyzing dread that used to accompany such assignments.

As for the usual motivational techniques of taking away car keys and privileges, it's not going to work because this is not a problem of motivation. Believe me, the desire is there, but it's like there's a brick wall preventing her from doing what she really does want to do, and at least for my daughter, that made her feel even more helpless and hopeless. Working with a very sympathetic principal, we learned in her junior year that our daughter didn't need to take a full load every semester in order to graduate. She helped pare down our daughter's schedule from seven courses every day to four. That also helped tremendously.

There's no way to sugar-coat this--high school is going to be a really rough ride for you and your daughter. All I can say is that it really is true that college is a whole lot better (at least so far) because it's not seven courses every day all week long.

Good luck.

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It sounds like your daughter is presenting w/ textbook symptoms manifested by LD high school students. She doesn't have the mental stamina to keep all the balls in the air, especially the ones lacking interest for her. Mental fatigue is a huge issue for students w/ ADHD and related LD's. After a long day at school, the last thing they want to do is face "the monster" at home. They work so hard to keep it together at school. By the end of the day they feel defeated, exhausted and overwhelmed. You might consider hiring an ADD Coach for her. Many times an objective source has the ability to motivate and encourage our students. Most ADD Coaches work via the phone, but others can often meet in person w/ students to help keep them on track. You are right about the lack of impact the negative consequences have on her. Again, she is presenting in textbook fashion. And by this age for her, parents seem nothing more than a nagging voice and reminder of failure. Get yourself out of that loop and find a coach for her. Let the coach monitor her schoolwork, and you focus on having a supportive, compassionate relationship w/ your daughter. She needs emotional support and encouragement (without you becoming a total mush lacking parental responsibility). You are not alone, and neither is your daughter. Good luck!

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I've read the posts regarding this and am relieved to know I'm not alone. It's really tough in areas where we feel we should "hold their hand" but at the same time let go so they can learn to make gains on their own which would develop their confidence. My 15 year old daughter feels if she just tries harder she could just do it. This is stuck in her mind even after over a year of counseling. We're on our 3rd type of med - still in the experimental phase. We have the 504 plan set up, but still no academic improvement after 2 months. With girls I believe the issues can worsen around the menstrual cycle. My daughter becomes an absolute drama case, and repeatedly goes into these downward spirals of doom and gloom. I've explained that the hormones trigger the emotional outbursts and you can't control it. However, it's hard to reason with someone in an emotional quagmire. You always feel hope when you see the outstanding qualities - the wisdom and insightfulness they display beyond their years, the clever wit, the artistic talents, the compassion towards others - you try to give praise and reinforce the fact that they do in fact possess these super qualities. I feel hopeless sometimes because I don't always have all the answers or quick solutions. I think they just need us to stand by them and believe in them during these times. Don't get discouraged. There will come a day when our kids will be successful individuals in their endeavors.

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Wow, I can SO relate! My 15 yr. old daughter is having major issues in Geometry even with tutoring. Unfortunately, she doesn't really seem to care. She has also had several behavioral issues at school this year requiring visits to the principal's office. She has never had conduct problems before. She is on Adderall perscribed by her pediatrician, but I feel I should be doing more. Not sure which direction to go....psychologist, psychiatrist?

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If I didn't know better, I would say that you must be living at my home! I certainly can feel your pain. We have a 17 year old daughter who displays the identical behaviors and lack of academic motivation. She does very well in the "fun and carefree" classes, which she loves (floral design, art, ceramics, PE, etc), but when it comes to the classes that are required and will make a difference in her future, she crumbles. She refuses to even try when it gets tough; doesn't do homework when it's too difficult and time-consuming; and won't study for tests and quizzes. The worst thing is that she lies to us about all of it. When asked if she's done her homework, studied, etc., she always gives us the answer we want to hear, but one that we know is not the truth 95% of the time. We, unfortunately, live in an affluent neighborhood, where the school district mainly caters to the academic achievers. She's never been a behavioral problem at school; as a matter of fact, we constantly hear what a nice cute girl she is. However, there has never been anybody throughout her school years that has really taken an interest in her, academically, and wanted to help. They continue to pass her, with D's, because they don't want to fail her, due to the No Child Left Behind Act! That's a misconception, now isn't it! Our daughter refuses to admit that she has a problem, therefore, she constantly blames anybody and everybody else for her failures. She also rejects any help that we offer, be it academic, professional, personal...anything. We haven't allowed her to take driver's education until she maintains at least a C average in all her classes. Although most of her friends do drive, it doesn't seem to matter to her. She takes medications and they do work for her during the school day, but once out of school, she is a totally different person. The doctor's have told us that it appears to be a genetic disorder on the female side of my husband's family (his sister and mother could be duplicates of our daughter), she is one of the worst cases they've dealt with and that we simply need to let her hit rock bottom so that she comes to some realizations! I feel that we have lost her and she's spinning out of control. I don't know what the answer is; but I do know that as a parent, it is beyond heartbreaking to watch. We are at our wit's end...any suggestions would be great!

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My 13 year-old deaf/ADHD son has been experiencing similar motivational issues in middle school. He excels in subjects he enjoys: social studies, art, drama, D&T, and foreign languages. However in science and math he is just marginally passing. We'd hired a tutor and he had no problems recalling information while with her, but during tests and exams he does badly. He was evaluated last year as being gifted/learning disabled, so I can truly sympathize with your frustration. It's almost as if he has resigned himself to failure in those subject areas and makes no efforts to study or do homework. I had read in several ADHD books that our children are inclined to struggle with math and, after much research and documentation was successful in having a calculator added to his IEP. However, the problems lies partially in the fact that despite being part of his IEP his math and science teachers have not allowed him to use it (or if so, sparingly). Depending on the topic, homework can take several hours to complete and we are both left exhausted and deflated. So, I have decided that if he is struggling with homework ie it takes longer than an hour, I send e-mails to his counselor, subject teacher, deaf educator, and learning support teacher to keep them abreast of the situation and ask them to give him extra support; whether it is during his lunch time or after school. There is no miracle answer-as parents we need to keep abreast of what they are being taught, recruit the support of their teachers, and be as supportive and positive as possible. Do what you can...and try not to have anxiety attacks!

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Our daughter was a handful between the ages of 13 and 15. She had to fail out of a presitigious school before she decided to motivate herself and complete more of her assignments. We also had her put into a specialized school for emotionally disturbed teens with only 6 students per class, a teacher and an assistant. She made up for 2 years of truancy and no work and graduated valedictorian. She is now in college graduating as an honors student and goal oriented. I had hoped that she would not use anger to motivate herself, but she has recently admitted that anger is what continues to motivate her to achieve -- anger at herself for failing before, at teachers who let her pass without truly trying, and us who were not effective in discipline. She confessed this in order to help my 14 year old son who is repeating the same lack of motivation, but at least not the truancy part. She was not diagnosed with ADHD during all of this, but as bi-polar. She has rejected this diagnosis and considers that she has had learning disabilities and ADHD all along. What has been starting to work with my son who has been on ADHD medication since 6 years old is therapy for depression and treating him with a more lighthearted attitude. As he makes small improvements we have been letting him know that we trust him more and let him have more privileges with "play/study dates" and computer games. He has recently realized (after trying to tell him for years) that he works best in quiet without the TV, computer games, or radio in the background -- he can have music lightly playing in order to get him started. It took his big sister to just say in passing that that she had discovered that she works best that way....Then we ask a friend of his (same age and types of classes) to come over 2-3 days a week and practice 1/2 hour work alternating with 1/2 hour of study especially around mid-terms and major tests. It seems that they have more fun and are more relaxed about fitting in some study time. He still suffers a lot of anxiety for which we will work on in family therapy and perhaps with a psychiatrist. We will get him re-evaluated for learning problems that the grammar school wouldn't even consider since he seemed so smart and able to stay on task then.

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I am new to this board and had to read about motivation. Your stories sound just like mine! It does help considerably to know you are not alone and for your child to know he is not the only one in this challenging situation. My son is 13 1/2 and we have suffered through school with him since pre-school. We all finally accepted that school will always make him unhappy and we just try to get him through the school year. We happen to be lucky and have a great support system in the school and a resource teacher who has saved him through his middle school years. His organizational skills stink! His memory is strange - he has always has incredible long term memory - and awful short term memory - so just getting something from school to home is a joke. We have a second set of workbooks at home and that has worked nicely but we have yet to master getting him to write down homework, assignments and tests. I make it a rule to meet and get to know every one of his teachers and it's funny he has excelled this year in Social Studies because this teacher teaches outside the lines and he "gets" my son - as he said "I was once him - so I know how to teach to that" - he has been getting 90's in this class. We also have a tutor for math as it's his worst subject - sound familiar? And someone mentioned you need tutor that also goes outside the lines and "teaches" your child how to "do" the math - we have that someone! A math major in college and she has figured out how to "teach" him that has helped considerably - now we just have to pull up the science grades. Another thing I just started doing was the "list" - I write down everything he has to do at home that is school related and he can choose the order of how it's done and marks if off - that has helped a bit - but I still own putting it together. Sometimes, he will do it as well. Good thing he is a funny, bright, and lovable kid cause that is what is going to get him through life - people want to help him.

I find all of your advice and information so helpful as your kids are older and I was hoping things would get a bit better next year in high school - but now I am not too sure so I know what to start looking for. I am looking into collaborative team teaching in HS. 2 teachers to a class - one special ed and one regular ed. He has an IEP which I spent years fine tuning to meet his needs. I am going up to the school to audit a class just to see how it's run. I will share in case what I observed in case any of you have that option in your school. Oh and BTW - my son is a twin - and my daughter is in a gifted and talent school -so only adds to the mess! :)

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I definitely understand where you all are coming from. My dd 13 excells in subjects she loves and don't do as well in subjects she has no interest in. Right now its social studies. Ugh Unfortunately with adhders the things they love they excell in others they just don't see the need. Although I see my dd trying her best its frustrating so I give her props for the good things and just encourage her to try a little harder. This too shall pass.

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It is good to hear that so many people have problems similar to ours. I have a 14 year old son who also is very hard to motivate in school. He did great his first semester as it was a total rehash of his 8th grade year and he had to do no homework. Second quarter was OK and now this quarter he had decided not to do much of anything. He has had a big problem with turning his things in on time. He seems to have gotten into the wrong crowd. We haven’t restricted him from them as we have no solid proof and he has always had an awful time making friends. He still has no male friends’ just girls, which worries me at this age. It seems like I am always on him for something. It is very hard to find positive things to say as he doesn’t want to do anything he needs too. He will not do anything with me. All he wants to do is sit in his room and IM his girl friends. We had him in counseling over the years and he now refuses to go. He basically refuses any kind of help from anyone. I do worry about depression as had been suicidal a few years back. He won’t admit to any depression and tells me he has it under control. At times when I give him consequences for not doing what he needs to he goes ballistic, yelling, screaming, threatening to run away etc. totally out of control. I have been trying to remain in control and still stick to my guns but I can hardly sleep at night worrying that he is going to run away or hurt himself. If anyone has any suggestions about how the got their teenager to accept counseling help please let me know. I know he is just trying to find his way and doesn’t feel like he fits in any where. He’s a smart kid but lacking in the emotional IQ part.

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Yes, my 4th grade daughter has similar problems and I'm also a SPED teacher. To qualify for a 504 your child must be doing below "average" compared with other students at his/her school (which doesn't necessarily mean failing). Our weekly schedules evolves around my daughter and her school work/homework to keep her grades up and I email her teachers on a regular basis. My daughter usually fails her 6 weeks tests but her daily grades pull her grades up and she makes the A/B honor roll. It's homework time that is the most problem and we are still trying to find the right amount of meds to help with that and allow her to fall asleep when it's bedtime. None of this is easy and it gets very frustrating!

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You could have been describing my daughter before we finally figured out what was going on. My daughter is 17 and had been diagnosed with ADHD when she was 7 years old. She has been on a 504 plan through out her schooling. We tried every thing possible from nutrition to herbs to Ritalin, Adderall, Focalin, Methylphenidate, Wellbutrin, etc. By the time she got into Middle School she couldn't stay focused and her grades were so so. She kept on telling us that the meds weren't working, but we saw a difference so we just kept trying other meds. Even with the meds, I kept on saying to the school physcologist that there was something else going on because she was starting to shut down and couldn't keep up with her work. We found out that her IQ was very high and that she should be in the Gifted Program. She could do 2 sided 3 dimensional puzzles but couldn't write an essay. She just froze at the thought of writing or doing long term projects. Unfortunately, the pace was too fast for her so she went back to regular classes. In between all this we tried other meds and nothing really worked out great.. But it was better than nothing. .I was getting very concerned that she was depressed....she really shut down .... During her Freshman Year of high school , I still was convinced that something (some kind of learning disability or something ) was wrong. She was really depressed and something was still tormenting her that prevented her from getting her work done. She was so overwhelmed because she had homework and projects due and over due and just couldn't get herself to do them. I pleaded with the school physcologist to retest her and I brought her to her phychiatrist for an intervention. I pleaded for a tutor, too! ( Having a 504 plan really helps you advocate and get things that your child needs. ) Well, to make a long story short, we finally figured out what was wrong during her Junior year. Better late than never! The meds she was taking weren't the right ones all along. It turned out that after seeing a new pyscologist, who really listened to us, the ADHD symptoms were covering up an anxiety disorder and OCD. She was depressed because of the whole situation. The ADHD meds were actually making things worse. Her meds were changed and withing a week we could see a huge difference. She is on a small dose of Abilify (being used in low dose for ADHD and anxiety) and Lexapro for OCD/Depression. What a miracle!! I write these details to remind you to go with your GUT...You know your kid better than anyone else...and keep on top of the situation until you are happy that the proper diagnosis has been given. ADHD is very tricky....it shares so many other disorders which makes it really hard to diagnose. Go to a different doctor if necessary...sometimes a different point of view and a second opinion is in order. I am happy to say that she has gotten very good grades, has been able to complete projects and is on the dance team. She will graduate in June and we are so proud of her through all the ups and downs. I wish you and your family good luck. Remember to go one day at a time.

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I can't tell you how much I needed to come across this discussion today. My 11 (almost 12) year old ADHD son has always struggled with school (no IEP etc. because he has usually done well), and clearly the struggle increases every year. This year, the first at middle school, started out well (as they usually do) and went downhill before Thanksgiving when the first discussions started with his teachers. They (3) have been great with their communications and efforts to help, even setting out and evaluating daily, by class, his personal goals. Everything I have read above seems to apply, nothing works, and pressure results in shutting down. But, knowing what other responders have been through gives me hope that I am doing the right thing by exploring some other avenues like meeting with the pediatrician to evaluate for potential depression and to see about getting him hooked up with a counselor/therapist. He's got a good heart and I don't want him to lose it by letting this pressure wear him down. The suggestion of a tutor is a good one too because I don't want to be the bad guy anymore. So, while not being able to offer much, especially for "teens" (we'll be there soon enough), thanks for sharing your experiences, offering suggestions, and reminding me that I'm not a bad parent!

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I am a senior, going to be a 5th year, woman with ADD. I was diagnosed about 2or3 years ago. I always did well in school but had a hard time focusing. After I left the structure I had at home I saw that I definitely couldn't concentrate when overwhelmed. I would just shut down completely because I couldn't deal with all of the demands, there was too much going on in my head. I would just sleep. In high school I was successful for a few reasons 1. my mom and dad helped me to organize and outline papers and projects. They would edit them for me and showed me how to plan a paper or project. You need to be very explicit when explaining how you go about this. First, decide on a topic, intro w/ thesis, body(supporting evidence), and conclusion. Writing outlines has been a life saver for me. 2. My parents checked my school website daily to see if I had any missing work and would just print out the paper and highlight the missing work. This nagging needs to be coupled with A LOT of loving words, my mom would hug me and say I love you about a million times a day. "Have I told you lately that I love you and you are beautiful and so intelligent!" I would sometimes respond with a "Mooom, geeze, (roll eyes here)" but the message still got across and I felt good inside even if I didn't show it. 3. I was in sports. EXERCISE is so important when you are ADD, it helped me focus tremendously. When I get home from a workout I can concentrate 100 times better than before. 4. I also had a group of friends who were in the same classes as I was so, we would all do homework together. We were very competitive, which motivated me, but I could also ask them questions and study with them. It was extremely helpful. I was also well liked by most of my teachers and that made a huge difference. If you talk to her teachers and explain that she needs extra support and guidance I'm sure that they would be willing to help.

I would also recommend taking fish oil daily, 1000mg, it helps me a lot. Take this along with a multivitamin. Also, making sure she is getting enough protein in her diet is important as well, it helps because you don't get those highs and lows in blood sugar, which affect concentration like when you eat high sugar products.

I am reading a great book by Sari Solden called Women with Attention Deficit Disorder which has been immensely helpful, I definitely suggest you read this book. Hope this helps!

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Wow! I am so glad I found you guys. I soooo identify with what all of you are saying. I have pulled and pushed my son through school since he was 4. I tried public school for awhile but it didn't work. He is smart, but wouldn't do his work. He was seriously unmotivated and forgetful. I got so frustrated with the school's lack of sensitivity, that I removed him and homeschooled him for 5 years. He learned alot and tested solid on his private school entrance exams. Now that he's in a private high school, all of the problems seem to have returned exponentially. Multiply this by hormones and girls and awkwardness in fitting in, and we have a huge mess. We have done counseling, ADD medication---all of which he vehemently rejects. He swears there is no problem. He has an excuse for everything. It seems to all boil down to he just doesn't want to do the work. He won't take notes and he won't really get down and actually read the chapters. He just tries to find answers. He is on probation at his private school and everyone is killing themselves to help him, but he does not seem to be in the real world about his grades and the fact that he doesn't do the work affects his grades. The psychologists seem to think he has some emotional problems; they think he may be depressed. They don't see him in action when he is doing something fun, though. He is only depressed about having to do school work that doesn't interest him. Baseball, art, movies, etc. make him really happy. People don't understand that all of this is so very trying for parents. It makes me feel inadequate, especially when I look around and other people's children seem so well adjusted and perfect. It's good to have someone to talk to. Thanks, all of you for being so open and honest. There is something to be said for not feeling so alone in this.

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except mine is in public school. I'm too tired and lazy to go into it now, but my ds is a lot like this! Quote:

mikkisylvester said: Wow! I am so glad I found you guys. I soooo identify with what all of you are saying. I have pulled and pushed my son through school since he was 4. I tried public school for awhile but it didn't work. He is smart, but wouldn't do his work. He was seriously unmotivated and forgetful. I got so frustrated with the school's lack of sensitivity, that I removed him and homeschooled him for 5 years. He learned alot and tested solid on his private school entrance exams. Now that he's in a private high school, all of the problems seem to have returned exponentially. Multiply this by hormones and girls and awkwardness in fitting in, and we have a huge mess. We have done counseling, ADD medication---all of which he vehemently rejects. He swears there is no problem. He has an excuse for everything. It seems to all boil down to he just doesn't want to do the work. He won't take notes and he won't really get down and actually read the chapters. He just tries to find answers. He is on probation at his private school and everyone is killing themselves to help him, but he does not seem to be in the real world about his grades and the fact that he doesn't do the work affects his grades. The psychologists seem to think he has some emotional problems; they think he may be depressed. They don't see him in action when he is doing something fun, though. He is only depressed about having to do school work that doesn't interest him. Baseball, art, movies, etc. make him really happy. People don't understand that all of this is so very trying for parents. It makes me feel inadequate, especially when I look around and other people's children seem so well adjusted and perfect. It's good to have someone to talk to. Thanks, all of you for being so open and honest. There is something to be said for not feeling so alone in this.

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A year ago, I was stressing about the possibility of my very bright 16 year old son failing Grade 11. He was moody, depressed, unwilling to do the work at school in the subjects he was struggling in, unmotivated, gaming waaaay to much, and it seemed we were at odds all the time. I really just wanted him to be happy and to love him. I bottomed out one day after struggling unsuccessfully to get my ADD 14 year old daughter out the door on time and fighting to get my son out of bed yet again. After dropping them both off at school late, I came home, had a well-deserved cry, and asked God for help. He gave me this:

I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Ecclesiastes 3:12-14

It's true! My kids are wonderful people in their own right! Love them, encourage them, and give it to God! He's bigger than all our problems. When I was able to do this, things started to improve for all of us immediately! God Bless!

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To all. If your children are under 16 (even close to) get to school and GET AN IEP!! Teachers, schools do not have to follow 504s. They can try to do what they can and you can request the world, but if they don't want to they don't have to. An IEP is mandatory that the follow it (and you need to make sure each and every teacher is aware of the IEP every year--as administration does not make aware and lots of teachers just don't have time to read all of their students' folders).

My son has had issues since K and I have had 504. Not much on it cause knew it wouldn't help. Request IEPs for past 10 years but because of higher academic (aptitude testing) test scores, he was considered not academically challenged. Well, that all seemed to change this past December 21 when I went into school with an advocate (my family member who is a teacher and used to do IEP's for her students) who is very knowledgeable in how to get these done. On the 2nd meeting with the administration, THEY offered an IEP for my kid!!! He doesn't do homework, has discipline/behavior/disruption issues in classes, does not see how these areas of study will help him in life, etc. He could be a B to low A student if he just did homework. He aces (or at least is good at faking it) quizzes and tests when he does his homework. His actual grade level is just barely passing because he puts 0 to little into his homework/classwork.

I know how hard it is to make schools understand the needs required, but you need to have someone go in with you that is well versed in IEP's and requirements so they can talk the talk and you just let them talk, making sure they know you do know what you are talking about. Your child needs an IEP by age 16 or the schools don't have to do anything, because that is drop-out age. Can make for an easier time of it for parents too because the system actually has to do something to help too. Keep pushing. I don't know yet how well this is going to work, but some of the stuff my school has instituded already seems to be working and it is only 1 or 2 things. Don't know if it is the school or his 'fear' of disappointing my family member, but who cares, anything that can help I will accept!

As my family member keeps reminding me: "Parents have all the power!", apparently, because we don't have the lingo--many of us get nowhere and pushed around. Push back.

And remember, IEPs follow into college, don't leave them in high school after graduation!! Too many people don't realize an IEP can continue until college graduation, for any level of degree up to Ph.Ds.

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Unbelieveable how much so many of our stories are so similar!!!!!! It makes me feel like my family is not from outer space!!! For the past 3 years of her high school years we have been in a constant battle with our 17 year old daughter over school and assignments. She has never been a successful student and therefore has always had very low self-esteem. We recently agreed to let her withdraw from public school (she's in her junior year) to finish her remainiing 11 credits home schooling. She is soooooooo much happier, but we still must monitor her closely every minute of every day.

This last year, before we let her withdraw from public school, her entire personality changed......for the worse. She began lying about every aspect of school, could not seem to maintain a group of friends, and was displaying horrifying oppositional behavior of the worst sort. My husband and I were at our wits' ends. Luckily we had people who cared enough about our daughter to intervene on her behalf. They wanted us to know that she was not attending classes as we assumed, but was instead driving around during the day. She was doing some of her school work (picking and choosing what was not so over-whelming for her) and somehow taking it back into the classroom to get whatever credit she could, assuming it wasn't too overdue.

We tried everything - grounding, taking away car and cell phone (only allowing her to use the car for church activities and her job). She retaliated by running away from home one night. She went to a friend's home whose mother she confided in. The scary part was that we thought we had "locked" her in for the night. The house was locked down, keys hidden in our bedroom, car keys taken away as well, computer and phone also removed. The next morning we found she had somehow contacted a friend by reconnecting the computer and with the friend's help, jumped out of a second-story bedroom window where she was driven to her friend's home. Thank God they called us as we were discovering her absence.

We talked with our daughter, heart-to-heart, trying to make her understand how concerned we were about her lack of motivation. We love her so much and were trying to control and protect her from what we considered her rebellion that we failed to see how miserable she was. She doesn't fit into a nice, neat mold like most "normal" children - she never has. In trying to keep up with the status quo she just kept failing. She doesn't learn like other children and for her high school was impossible in the traditional sense. She is doing much better since we have compromised and allowed her to take some control over how fast or slowly she proceeds with school work. We feel we have given her the GIFT OF TIME, and we know that with God's help she will find her special calling in life.

Children with AD/HD are truly creative and ingenious when it comes to excelling in things they are interested in. It sometimes just takes them longer to get from point A to point B. But, hey that's okay if they finally succeed.

So we all need to hang in there and keep right on rooting for our children no matter what the world says about them!!

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Is your daughter taking her meds? Did you see her take and swallow them? If yes, and taking meds are not a problem, has she told you recently that she doesn't think she needs them anymore? She sounds alot like my daughter at her age. My daughter had stopped taking her meds. That was her problem. Elizabeth

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