If my partner was acting like that, I'd drag both of us to marriage counseling. If she refuses, strongly consider going yourself. Even just a few sessions will help. I don't see how any marriage can survive without trust (on both sides) and it sounds like it's missing here. I guess it depends on whether you want to stay in this marriage or not.

In my case, I wanted to figure out what went wrong so that I wouldn't take the same exact problems to the next relationship. I recommend marriage counseling for that alone, but who knows, it might help make things better for staying together.

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I appreciate so much that you responded. I understand what you are saying...and it's good advice, but let's say for instance that is not an option...and that my Clearance level that I hold in intelligence will not allow me to take medication...do any of you have any other suggestions?

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These are the number 1 & 2 tips from Hallowell & Ratey's Top 25 in their excellent ADD paperback ($14.95) titled "Delivered from Distraction." Either 1) your spouse cares and will understand the importance of being the right spouse for you and going to counseling, or 2) she doesn't, in which case you should move on. See Chapter 39 for all the tips, and Chapters 40 & 41 on who is the best mate for an ADDer and what your mate should be willing to do for you.

Best wishes.

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I'm glad you are trying to find suggestions; I know what you're talking about and I did even worse when there was nobody to discuss things with. My (2) ex-husbands assumed I just didn't care, or was X, Y, or Z. It actually was true that I didn't care about some of the things; I had a few things that weren't diagnosed properly for a very long time, and I didn't want to take medication when my depression was first diagnosed. This was when medication had much more serious side effects than it does now, and more importantly, before the internet was as popular as it is now. Talk about being lost! So no, making sure the laundry was folded was not as important as getting through my grad school program. Sorry but it was true. Most of the other things they said were absolutely not true.

I personally knew I would die if I stayed married to that attitude. I might not stop breathing but turning into a zombie was the only alternative and that was already happening. That was just for me. I see many, many people who are able to work things out so I know it's possible.

One thing that helped me was adopting attitudes from 12-step programs like AlAnon and AA. I can't expect people without my condition to understand my condition. (For them, it's alcoholism or codependency.) Other people will never, ever understand or be understanding or even care unless they're are sufficiently motivated by themselves, and educate themselves.

That doesn't make them bad, that just makes them human. I don't expect people to change for me, and I truly; sincerely respect their right to want what they want and do that they do and be who they need to be. However, I have those same rights. The thing is, I will never, ever get them to understand or care about anything. There is absolutely zero possibility of that. Accepting that took a while, but it helped to stick with people who already knew what I knew and respected both me and themselves.

Re the medication, that's too bad. ADD medication is of no use to many people, so there are people (like Hallowell) who have had to deal with their condition sans medication. They offer other ways to cope....I remember one involved techniques from an ADD program that involved balancing and motor coordination exercises every day. Check the Hallowell site and books. And you're not the only person in the military for whom medication was indicated but forbidden. There are ways, fwiw.

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I have had ADD all my life - and I know exactly how you feel. I am finding myself in a similar situation right now.

I can't say many things or give many advice (as I'm not married yet / probably never will be ; who knows) but I can say that I have become quite good at organizing my stuff (papers, etc...) and therefore could give you some tips. It all depends of the difficulties you have. I know when I was little, to achieve/plan deadlines I would use a planning board for two weeks ; posting the assignements/important meetings with post-its on this board every two weeks and putting it in a place that I could see all the time. One thing I am realizing just now myself is, when something is made visual, I see it and there fore don't forget it as easily. I know for example if I put a book in a cupboard, because I don't see it I forget it's there.

If you need to put stuff in cupboards, places that make them visual, put post-its on the cupboards to remind you where the stuff's at. I usually put the important stuff on shelves, where it can be seen (I am obliged to see it as it's in front of my eyes !) and the rest in cupboards/drawers with post-its. even my clothes ! Another thing that can help, when you need to organize files ; get folders and indicate clearly (Big letters or color-code, symbols - whatever you understand fun and have fun doing (as you'd have to do it for all your papers/files !)) what it contains. I teach, so I need to do that regularly, perhaps you don't as much. But it helps as well for keeping banking papers or flat papers, if you put them in specific folders and discipline yourself to put it back every time. It takes a lot of practice but it's not impossible !

Also, things such as glasses, or keys or watch (items, let's put it like that) : keep them in one specific place and discipline yourself to keep it that way. for example, I put my keys in a bol I keep by my door in my bedroom. It's never someplace else and every time I put it back. Or my glasses/phone/ipod is always on my night table. etc... It's little things but once you discipline yourself it really changes your life ! I know it has changed mine !!

I know exactly how you feel and I'm glad I read your email - not feeling as alone as usual. I am discovering myself right now that, after so many years of struggling in interacting with others and understanding things, I finally have the right to having my own opìnions on stuff ! After 24 years... I'm finding out I don't need/can't trust others as much as I could in the past and this is a huge change for me. Finally after many years of being around people who were mean to me or didn't care to know me because of who I was, now some are starting to listen to me a little, pay slightly more attention to me instead of ignoring me completely as it has been the case for so long !

About medication, personally I've never had medication and so far no one at work could tell I have ADD any more because of all the progress I've made. Lots of suffering but it paid off a lot. Have you considered other possibilties such as coaching ? These were some tips I could remember but I have a good book at home (I'm at work right now) - I'll give you the details on my next post. This book is changing my life !

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hi there,

the book's called "ADD-friendly ways to organize your life" and it's by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen nadeau. Brunner routledge is the edition, 2002.

hope this helps ! :-)

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