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| Thread : Husband divorcing me due to ADD and Bipolar II issues | |
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| hopeakers |
Join Date:
Fri 4th Jan 2008
Threads: 2 Posts: 2 |
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Husband divorcing me due to ADD and Bipolar II issues
First, the background: I've been married for 12 years, but my husband recently asked for a divorce. We have no children. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II seven years ago. With medication and therapy, I've been stable for more than five years. I was diagnosed with ADD about two years ago. I started taking medication consistently about six months ago. All my friends have seen, validated and applauded my progress and improved functionality. Most people would never know I have Bipolar if I didn't tell them. The ADD is a bit more obvious. My husband had led me to believe (even in couple's therapy) that he accepted these were medical issues, not character flaws or laziness. We made plans to move to a new city so I could redirect my career to something more suitable, and he was to go to college. However, two months after I moved (he was staying behind until our house sold), he said he was unhappy, "couldn't do it anymore" and wanted out. He said he'd been staying with me out of obligation for the past two years. Since this announcement three months ago, we've had a few more conversations in which he has finally explained how he honestly thinks and feels regarding both the Bipolar and ADD. I've been stunned. He said he didn't see me as any more stable mentally from before I was diagnosed and treated with meds and therapy for bipolar. And he thinks ADD is simply an excuse to be unreliable and not clean the house (not that he expected me to do it all, just clean up after myself). Did I see this coming? Yes and no. Yes, because I sensed his frustration with my behavior and felt he didn't respect me. He's very passive, however, so it was hard to point to anything in particular to back up my claims. I tried repeatedly to talk to him abou tthe state of our marriage and he kept brushing off my concerns, leaving me feeling nuerotic and overly needy, like the "bad spouse" who was trying his long-suffering patience. Now that he's opened up, I see that my gut was right all along. That doesn't mean I saw this coming. He would talk with me about shared goals, etc. We'd spent the past year reviewing our careers, friendships, family relationships, etc. and were deciding how/if we wanted to reshape where we were headed. This was all completely a joint process from my perspective. Our mutual friends had that impression as well. My current challenge: I've never lived alone. Never dated anyone else, as we were childhood sweethearts from middle school. Aside from being a kid who was assigned chores by my parents, my only experience running and caring for a household/life is as a partner. I'm good at long-term projects, but the daily grind stuff may as well be rocket science. Taking out the trash a specific day each week and remembering to pick up the mail daily is just not happening. Those were tasks he handled, the routine stuff. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed with the task of organizing my life. We'd packed all of our belongings and moved them over. As I'm gradually finishing the unpacking, I have to deal with sorting out his stuff from mine (with no help from him). I'm in a new town with budding friendships but no strong support system. I'm adjusting to a different job situation (more positive, but a drastic change nonetheless). I'm still looking for a good fit for a new doctor and therapist. Remembering to refill my monthly medication on time is a challenge. So is keeping up with basic cleaning, dealing with mail/paperwork/records, sorting "stuff" and organizing the new home, remembering when to take the car in for an oil change, etc. I suppose everyone goes through this stuff when they divorce. It just seems to be mounting and now I can't imagine where to start. And when I do manage to accomplish something, I stand back and groan when I see what's still left to be done. I can't afford a housekeeper or ADD coach to help me. And my new friends here don't know me very well yet. I'm irritated to find that I'm still embarassed, though I intellectually think I have no reason to be, about how bipolar and ADD affect me. The divorce has seriously unsettled me in that area. My husband's lack of acceptance has me extra shy about reaching out strangers. I thought I'd come farther on accepting myself as different, not flawed. Maybe this is just a slip due to circumstances. Overall I'm so exhausted that I've stopped exercising and spend a lot of time reading and thinking about who I am and what the heck I'm supposed to do with myself now. I don't know what I even want to do. And while I'm pondering all that, I hear the garbage truck go by and realize I forgot to take the can out to the street ... again. |
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| Amy Alison |
Join Date:
Thu 10th Jan 2008
Threads: 3 Posts: 19 |
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gaslighting info
Torey, I'm so sorry to hear of your husband issues. I read this article the other day http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/109220/what_is_gaslighting_.html and I can relate to a lot of it. Take a look at this, please, and see if you recognize these things in your husband. If so, recognizing it will help you know how to handle him. |
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