I wish I had the time to tell you just how good you're going to feel in a year. These next few months are going to suck pretty hard though. You will get through it though and you will be a much better person without the ex dragging you down.

You should not be in a hurry to, but I also promise that you will find someone who will love you for who you are and it is the most wonderful feeling on the planet. You will be able to experience emotions that others only dream of.

Best of luck, stay strong, you will survive!

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I got divorced because I thought something like this was happening to me. I didn't know at the time that I was mildly bipolar and had ADD; I just knew something was wrong and I was getting blamed for everything.

One thing that helped me was learning about how people in AlAnon and AA deal with this sort of issue; it's very similar. In Alanon people learn that the "good" person in a relationship really isn't "good" at all,; they have their own selfish reasons for being in the relationship. And in AA people learn that they have to deal with their problems themselves.

When people change their behavior, it always upsets the people around them. So your husband would behave badly, apparently, whether he was with you or not. Even though it will be scary, you'll be fine and better off than living with a big bag of sanctimonious disapproval. People find it easy to blame other people for situations when they don't want to face that they themselves are getting something out of a relationship, or they wouldn't be there. I have to be careful not to do the same thing myself. Why would I sign up for being criticized and not appreciated? That's something I have to think about.

I expect your husband will be like mine and many others; he'll discover the ickyness he has contributed to your situation all along and what his real issues are. Or maybe he'll keep feeling sorry for himself and find another "troubled" person to blame his life on... who knows?

At least you will be free from being unfairly blamed 24/7. What a relief that will be. You have NO idea. It is 10000x better than being scared of having a real life. You'll be much clearer-headed and your problems will become manageable.

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Just one thing about organization. I have two white boards on my fridge. One is a calendar so I can list all of my appointments and obligations for the month and the other is blank, just for jotting down spare of the moment notes. It may help.

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You are going thru a tough time and I really sympathize. My husband and I nearly divorced several years ago. I had lived on my own; I wasn't married till I was 30. I didn't have the concerns you have but still it was the hardest time in my life - even worse than my parents' deaths. I had entered treatment for post-partum depression a few months before my husband said he wanted out. I had already started improving (I had really been a cranky bch since my kids were born!) but I don't think he believed the change was permanent.

With regard to the nitty gritties of life, first keep things in perspective; the world will not end and you won't die if you forget to take out the garbage. What helps me is using alarms on a computer calendar like Outlook and alarms on my cellphone to keep track of recurrent tasks. For example, you could set an alarm to go off the night before garbage day each week, just as you are arriving home from work. I also put sticky notes in my car if I have to remember to do something when I get home. You could also designate a day of the week to do your laundry, gas up your car, get cash from the ATM etc. In other words, gas up your car and go to the ATM every Saturday, even if gas or cash isn't critically low. That saves me from getting in the car on Tuesday morning with only fumes to power my car or having to count the change in my car to have enough to buy lunch!

Also, you should realize you are an excellent writer, you have great communication skills and are very witty. Think about that when you are down.

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Just wanted to send some support your way and also some big

(((((((((((((((HUGS!)))))))))))))))))))

I feel for you with the troubles you are facing now...I can see why you'd be feeling overwhelmed--that's a huge change!!! A new city, new job, no close friends nearby, no doctor/therapist yet, new single status, etc. It's no wonder you are feeling so out of sorts. All those things must be scary to deal with even one at a time, let alone all at once! Hang in there with all this adjustment, and little by little it will get more comfortable for you as you put down new roots and get used to all these drastic changes. All of this would be difficult for anyone even WITHOUT ADD/Bipolar, keep in mind; go easy on yourself and give yourself time to adjust. After you see that you are starting to be sucessful with these new things, I bet you'll get more and more confidence in your abilities and find that you are happier!

I'd imagine you are feeling pretty hurt that your husband would treat you the way he did. Being unaccepting of you as the person you are, telling you that your real struggles are just evidence of being "lazy," and being so dishonest about his feelings for so long, not being willing to communicate with you...these are such hurtful things, and it sounds like he is acting very self-centered and unloving. He may actually be emotionally abusive--it might help you to look into that possiblility, as it sounds like some of the effects you are experiencing (leading you to believe that you are neurotic and needy, etc) may be indicative of living with emotional abuse. It can lead a woman to totally doubt herself, think she's going "crazy" and be confused about mixed signals--it may help you to explore that possiblility; there's a lot of info out there that can bring clarity and healing if you find that's the case. Keep in mind that a person who is/was emotionally abusive (whether intentionally or unintentionally) will almost always DENY it, so trust yourself and your judgement--believe me, it's difficult to do, if you've been falsely led to think that the problems are your fault.

About the organization...do you have one single calendar, that you write all your appointments/regular activities on? That's what I do, and it really helps. I have a dear (non-ADD) friend who has a few calanders throughout her house and she writes plans on ALL of the calanders...to me, that seems like an organizational disaster waiting to happen, lol! Everything in ONE PLACE helps me a LOT. I keep a hook by the front door for with keys, wallet, phone, etc. (Actually, I have a keychain/wallet combo I got at WalMart, which makes it impossible to drive anywhere without my lisense and credit cards!)

On the calandar perhaps marking each week's garbage day--maybe for the whole year at once, if desired--would be a reliable way of reminding yourself to do it. Things like that might help you keep track of all that mundane, routine stuff. Paying bills, Oil changes, etc, could be marked ahead of time as well. Getting the mail, hmmmmm....perhaps leaving yourself a note somewhere where you KNOW you will see it, like maybe the TV, would be effective. If you go turn on the TV each evening, you'd HAVE to move the note to see the TV, so that could remind you. Use your creativity to find cute and clever ways to remind yourself of these things. :)

I've never done this, but I think it might be really helpful to have a professional "organizer" come to your place and give you some ideas to improve your organization. Even just a few relevant pointers may go a long way in getting you heading in the right direction. Might be worth considering.

Please know you've got lots of us on here you can come to for support, encouragement, and reassurance. We're rooting for ya! (And I'll pray for you as well--for wisdom and comfort! :)

Amy

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Your ex sounds a lot like mine. The passive-aggressive behavior made it so difficult to pin-point exactly what it was that made me feel like a pile of garbage. And to any outsider, he was a perfect angel and I was the one ruining the marriage...especially after he got through over-amplifying all my faults and making up total lies to make me look bad and himself look like the poor put-upon long-suffering husband.

It has been a long and difficult divorce because we did have a child together, and he tried to make everything as laborious and difficult as he possibly could. (I was the one who wanted a divorce from him, and of course he has no idea why I hate him so much.) You can at least make a clean break with him without having to put up with all the constant "joint custody" BS that he puts me through daily.

The others are right. Give it some time. It will take some time, but you will soon enjoy doing things "your way" without having someone breathing down your neck, then pointing out that you did it wrong every time you take a step. Even if you do make mistakes, you can shake your head and move on without that sense of guilt he probably enjoyed holding over your head.

It is very hard (for me anyway) to keep up with bills, and oil changes, and dirty dishes and laundry and all the everyday chores, but I am getting to a place where I know what I CAN do and what I CAN'T do and what I may need just a little help with. If you can afford to "borrow" someone's housekeeper maybe once a month it is such a load off your mind. She can take away some of that "overwhelming" feeling when you walk in and it looks like a tornado hit. If somebody can just come in and take it down a notch, then it can clear your mind so you can see what you can do yourself without feeling like you should just abandon the house and start over from scratch! Also, try to get a program like Quicken or Quick Books to keep up with your bank statements. All you have to do is click "download" and it will download all your transactions off the internet if you set your bank accounts up online. That is a huge help for me. Another thing I have trouble with is mail mail mail! I hate going through mail. But if I try to throw away all the junk mail and flyers BEFORE I ever bring it into the house, then I don't get so overwhelmed when I do have to go through the stack. I'm also thinking about getting an inexpensive calendar program for my computer at work that will pop up with reminders like "Get the oil changed!" and "Don't forget your Dr. appointment."

Even with all the extra responsibilities, I am SOOOOOOO much happier and at peace with my life and my ADD now that I'm divorced. You will be amazed at how your self-esteem will sky rocket. Even with all the mistakes I've made and the extra things I've had to think about, it makes such a huge difference when you cut out the "judgement" factor and just live your life on your own terms... no guilt. Just live.

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Many times when one partner is planning on divorcing, they will use the excuse that is most convenient--one they feel you can't argue against. It usually is not the real reason. He claims he was lying before (when he said nothing was wrong) but now he's telling the truth. If he hasn't been consistently honest, you can't trust anything he says. He sounds like he will say whatever is convenient for him at that particular moment.

You have a lot of courage and strength. You are able to confront your issues and work on them. That is much more than most individuals are willing to do. Many prefer to live in denial and blame others for their problems. And living with ADD and Bipolar disorder is not an easy thing. But you have been doing it and working through your weaknesses. I find that very admirable. don't let your husband's lies convince you otherwise. Sounds like he's the one with the real issues. I believe you will come out of this much stronger and better. I'd rather be someone who forgets to take out the trash than someone who abandons their spouse because they can't handle the "stress" of a spouse with ADD. Poor guy, what a tough life he has! You're the one who has had to battle ADD and Bipolar for your entire life. And you are being proactive, not passive. I would be proud to know you and count you as a friend! ((((Hugs))))

I'll keep you in my prayers, Elaine

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Hi Thread,

I too have a "supportive" husband. He isn't divorcing me....yet anyway, no he is content with staying instead & making my life a living hell every single day. I have been on over load the last 5 years taking care of my elderly parents & Uncle (85 yrs. old with Alzheimers). My Mother is 82 also with Alzheimers, Dad died last year after a 3 long years of cancer. I took care of everthing & everybody. Did I mention, I also have twin daughters, now 18. but one of my girls is also ADHD. She has been into drugs, rehabs, steals my stuff, lies, expelled from one high school.... etc. you get the picture... all of this with me always there for her no matter what. It doesn't matter what I do for her, she does what she wants when she wants with no reguard to anyone else. Of course this too is my fault according to my husband. I am burning the candle at both ends every single day. My uncle just died a few weeks ago & I too planned & handled his entire memorial. Now my Mother is alone except for her 24/5 live in caregiver & me driving & managing her finances etc.... She is always depressed and very rude & hurtfull to me, I try to not let her get to me, I know she is sick. But...... Then I come home to John, my husband, who is very very verbally abusive to me. He looks at me like I'm worthless he gives me no support at all only criticism about the clutter in our house, I cant win no matter how hard I try. He wont even try to understand my ADD or read about it. I'm just making an excuse. There is to much to write, but it hurts so so very much. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so unorganized & without help or support. I am all my mother has, I have to take care of so many people, It's getting harder & harder to the point of insainity. I cry to sleep (if I sleep at all) everynight... I'm so sorry about your husband. You are amazing & better off without him. hang in there at least soon you will be freeeeeeee!!!! Us ADD'ERS have it rough but we will be okay! Love,Tears from Torey xxoo

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Torey, I'm so sorry to hear of your husband issues. I read this article the other day http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/109220/what_is_gaslighting_.html and I can relate to a lot of it. Take a look at this, please, and see if you recognize these things in your husband. If so, recognizing it will help you know how to handle him.

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Thanks so much for the support. I've been so caught up in stuff that I haven't taken time to respond. I can say that I'm doing much better on the divorce front. I think we've got a basic agreement on the settlement. Just ironing out final details. As for coming to terms with it emotionally, I'm actually relieved that I'm getting out of the marriage -- mostly because of thoughts/opinions he's confessed to over the past several weeks. The truth hurts, but it's also freeing. And I also find that without him around (I'm living alone) to put me down all the time, I'm feeling better about myself. I'm doing better than I expected on handling the routine details he used to do. Still, it's tough. But in the scheme of things, if I forget to take the trash can out to the road for pickup every other week, I don't think that's the end of the world.

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